Am I being unreasonable??

[WishingMatilda]

Will keep it brief as I can. Please, any guidance or outside opinion would be great.

4 DSC'S age 6-14. Great relationship with them all and we have a lot of fun. We have them 40/60 with DH's ex.

At the beginning of the hear, DH's ex told us she was going to Disney Florida this month for two and a half weeks and we would have the kids in that time. All good.

Obviously now with lockdown that won't be happening, and she can't even go on a UK break now.

I am 6 weeks pregnant and on Monday have been in hospital for 2 days with hyperemesis gravidarum, on a drip as severely dehydrated and malnourished. I'm still feeling very ill and vomiting and nausea, will probably need to go back in soon as not keeping anything down.

DH's ex has never worked, we both work full time (obviously at the moment I am signed off)

DH says they would be looking forward to.it and it would just be from 3 as they are in school. Now I love the kids but the youngest two particularly are very clingy to me.

To be clear, I am not saying for.our regular pattern of child contact to be stopped,.

But am ai being awful to not be very happy with her having a 2/3 week break for absolutely no reason when I am so ill and need rest, on doctors orders?

DH seems to be scared of her sometimes.

Please be kind to me, I'm feeling very sensitive, guilty and sick!

Only coming to this now & honestly lockdown or no lockdown if I was going on holidays for 2.5 weeks & my kids sm ended up really sick I would try to switch my holiday dates, & if that wasn't workable & if exh couldn't take a full 2.5 weeks off work to mind them then I would offer to get my family to help out or to pay for some home help while I was away.
There is no way I would expect a sick, pregnant woman to cope with my kids without any assistance.
I also fully promote child free holidays but 2.5 weeks in Disneyland is an eye roll for me. Who does that?

I stand by what I said. There is no way I would go to Disneyland without my school aged children. I say the same as well for fathers. If it meant I didn’t go then so be it.
I put my children first and I think that hits a raw nerve with some people.
Going to Disneyland is not the same as going to say Berlin for a hen weekend.
Luckily my dc are older now and invite me to places they know I will like. I think that’s due to how they were brought up.

If the op is unwell then it’s upto their mother and father to look after them, which is what I said in my first post.

@Enoughnowstop

Want a break from them for genuine reasons? YOU ARE A FAMILY! IF THEY WERE YOURS YOU WOULDN'T HAVE A CHOICE

But your DH doesn’t have a choice, does he? They’re his children and he agreed to look after them at this time. Why can his ex not rely on him doing that? I get that the waters are muddied somewhat with the current situation, the fact she doesn’t work etc but is it really unreasonable he does something he said he would? I say that with the caveat that the children need to be his responsibility 100% which should always have been the case, regardless of what you are currently going through.

I cannot t get past the fact the mother swans odd to a Disney Land every year without her kids either

Every single summer this forum is flooded with threads about holidays. The SM consensus is that it is perfectly reasonable for a father to go on holiday and leave the step children behind. Why should it be any different for the mum? Why is dad having a holiday with his partner and family perfect,y reasonable but mum going away with her family ‘swanning off’?,

Absolutely this. What the ex does with her 3 weeks child free time was HER BUSINESS. I wonder how many times op and oh have holidayed without his children...

but is it really unreasonable he does something he said he would?
No it's not. But the reality of life for most nrp's is that they work full time & they need assistance with childcare. My exh works full time & there is no way he would ever be in a position to take 2.5 weeks holidays in order to facilitate me wanting a holiday at a time that didn't coincide with him taking normal holidays - ie summer, Christmas etc.
I work for myself so I can be flexible & any time I have taken holidays at a non standard time I have discussed this with exh & his dw & ensured there is enough assistance in place so that his dw isn't overburdened with childcare, & any time she has done the majority childcare I've made sure I've brought her back a damn nice gift.
The fact that this man's dw is unwell is a factor as she would most likely have to assist in childcare over a 2.5 week period.
The fact that the mum in question here doesn't work outside the home is also a factor - I'm sorry it just is. How anyone could expect to sit at home for 2.5 weeks while their kids are part dependent on a sick person is beyond me.
Very few parents be they together or separated have the luxury of a 2.5 week child free holiday. As a parent you have to take on board that your holiday freedoms are going to be somewhat restricted; that if separated you are going to have to work with your ex's schedule & that childcare for long periods of holiday time is going to be problematic.

The kids have been to Disney many times. The mum goes extra without them. Not a big deal in my eyes.

Let’s face it the op is getting stick here because she is a step mother. Simple as that. Mothers can do no wrong neither can fathers who go on to remarry according to MN.
I don’t know what threads people read but the ones that stick in my mind are all the ones moaning about spending 2 nights on a best friends hen do in the Lake District in a log cabin. All the pile on saying don’t go op, do something with your children and partner instead. Spend the money on a new Hoover, toys for your kids, garden ornament, rug , farrow n ball paint etc.
Yet here we have posters saying it’s absolutely fine to go to Disneyland for 3 weeks every year , not for any special occasion, and leave your kids with a working parent and Sick step mother.
MN is bonkers.

What the ex does with her 3 weeks child free time was HER BUSINESS.

To be honest in my opinion, the 3 weeks child free should have been cancelled when the holiday was cancelled. Even more so now there is nobody available to look after them apart from her. The op certainly doesn’t owe her that.

I wonder how many times op and oh have holidayed without his children...

I’m guessing that’s not ok?...

What the ex does with her 3 weeks child free time was HER BUSINESS.

To be honest in my opinion, the 3 weeks child free should have been cancelled when the holiday was cancelled. Even more so now there is nobody available to look after them apart from her. The op certainly doesn’t owe her that.

I wonder how many times op and oh have holidayed without his children...

I’m guessing that’s not ok?...

There isn’t very much she can do at the moment either. We’re in lockdown. She’s probably laughing her socks off as she doesn’t have to spend lockdown with her kids. Knowing full well the op will be doing it for her instead.
I would be ashamed of myself if I was the mum.

OP have you tried explaining to DH in non-confrontational terms how the way he puts his ex first makes you feel? You’re pregnant, I’m guessing you really don’t want to divorce him, you just feel so utterly uncared for in your hour of need. Some men are just blind to this.

When I’ve been upset by something DH has done, I’ll be crying and he doesn’t bat an eyelid. I’ve then felt he doesn’t care about me. When we spoke about it after I was ok again, he said he is so defensive if he’s the reason I’m crying that he can’t comfort me. He just feelings like I’m blaming him and shuts down. Maybe if you talk to your DH and explain how it makes you feel when he doesn’t put you first. Swap it round so he puts himself in your shoes and ask him to describe how he’d feel. That usually works for my DH. He’s not great at empathy unless I swap it round to be him in that situation.

In a ‘together’ family you would obviously have all the children with you, if one parent is hospitalised, although no one would judge you for farming out your own children to friends and relatives for a few days. This is deemed quite acceptable when it’s your own kids.

But we’re not talking about a together family here, and given these medical and unforeseen circumstances, would it really be the end of the world for the OP to have a bit of a break from her step children?

It seems fine to send your bio children off to your mum for a few days, but god forbid you request some time off from step children. It’s a real double standard.

i don’t think the children should be there if he’s not going to be there. The father is working, the op is unwell and the mum is available. There is nobody else to ask because it’s against the law at the moment.

Totally agree - access by proxy is ridiculous even when everyone is healthy.

'If they were your own children you would have to do X, Y, Z' is such an infuriating and unreasonable comment to make. Can we just apply that principle to anything?

If your 6 month old child was 14 they could get themselves a drink, if you were from Canada you would be Canadian, If you were a dog you could communicate only by bloody barking.

By the way OP, your situation is outrageous and I feel very sorry for you. I remember the thread where you had broken your back and thought the same then.

For some posters, the step children's mum could have assassinated everyone's cake baking, sweet little grandma's on a drug fuelled vigilante mission and everything would still be all your fault.

She is irrelevant really though as this whole situation could be resolved by your DH not being a massive prick.

Oh lord another thread where op and dh are evil for expecting a little give and take from mum. Another thread where mum is an arsehole but can do no wrong

Op I feel for you, I'm not surprised you're asking for a divorce. I hope your husband pulls his head out his arse soon I really do. Hope you feel better soon, and continue to ignore the idiots who are having a go.

@SandyY2K

OP, I would go and stay with a family member, or pack some stuff and book a week in a reasonably priced hotel.

I don't blame you for saying you want a divorce. He's not stepping up here.

I agree.

And of course I think ‘why should you? It’s your home too’ but if your DH is being such an arsewipe then your won’t get any peace.

His ex is a disgrace.

Hugs for you.

Good point for the anti-SM brigade... how would you view 50:50 Op and her DH going to Disney for three weeks without the kids. It’s then cancelled and mum gets sick but non-working OP and DH refuse to have children for duration and harass mum and call CMS?

It’s doesn’t bear scrutiny either way you view it.

@MeridianB I notice no one has come back to answer that.....

Basically: what @conduitoffortune said.

how are you OP 🌺

As with all things there is a spectrum of severity with HG - some Mum's be to may be able to function (albeit with difficulty), others not. Only OP knows how bad she is.

As a previous sufferer of severe HG I can understand what Op is describing. Life does not ''go on'' when you're in / out of hospital on a revolving basis. As a Mum who willingly made concessions for her DCs step mum when pregnant, just like I'd have helped out a friend in need.

This isn't about contact or Mum vs Step Mum. It's about basic humanity towards another person in need.

Op's needs trump the Mum's needs in this one.

^This s isn't about contact or Mum vs Step Mum. It's about basic humanity towards another person in need.
Op's needs trump the Mum's needs in this one.^

.................

Totally agree, but because there are step children involved, common sense will go out the window.

Thank you all very much

I'm doing okay. I've only been sick 6 times this morning so far (yay?). We have the kids for this weekend as their normal contact, but they will be going back home to their mums tomorrow.

DH has been very remorseful and says once he was firm with her and explained the she backed down massively.

Time will tell. Thank you all again

OP this is great news.. and no harm to the kids but you do need to focus on you right now... so happy you are able to fully rest

common sense will go out the window

@coffeepot72 apparently so...

@WishingMatilda really glad your DH is trying to be more supportive. Hope things improve HG wise for you.

Just a tip in case it helps you: Oat biscuits - nibble on them if you can. Very bland, and being low GI they help keep blood sugar stable which can help. I used to have one in bed before I went to sleep and one before I even considered moving in the moving