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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Am I being unreasonable??

175 replies

WishingMatilda · 06/11/2020 08:06

Will keep it brief as I can. Please, any guidance or outside opinion would be great.

4 DSC'S age 6-14. Great relationship with them all and we have a lot of fun. We have them 40/60 with DH's ex.

At the beginning of the hear, DH's ex told us she was going to Disney Florida this month for two and a half weeks and we would have the kids in that time. All good.

Obviously now with lockdown that won't be happening, and she can't even go on a UK break now.

I am 6 weeks pregnant and on Monday have been in hospital for 2 days with hyperemesis gravidarum, on a drip as severely dehydrated and malnourished. I'm still feeling very ill and vomiting and nausea, will probably need to go back in soon as not keeping anything down.

DH's ex has never worked, we both work full time (obviously at the moment I am signed off)

DH says they would be looking forward to.it and it would just be from 3 as they are in school. Now I love the kids but the youngest two particularly are very clingy to me.

To be clear, I am not saying for.our regular pattern of child contact to be stopped,.

But am ai being awful to not be very happy with her having a 2/3 week break for absolutely no reason when I am so ill and need rest, on doctors orders?

DH seems to be scared of her sometimes.

Please be kind to me, I'm feeling very sensitive, guilty and sick!

OP posts:

Coffeepot72 · 09/11/2020 14:56

If they were your own children you would have to deal with them whilst being ill

But they’re NOT her own children, so that’s a pointless statement. Rather like saying if the OP had 27 goats to feed each day, she’d have to get on with it. Only she doesn’t have any goats.

And as I said in an earlier post, if they were her own children, there would be no shame in despatching them off to sister/friend/grandma while she’s in hospital.

Coffeepot72 · 09/11/2020 14:57

@MyCatHatesEverybody apologies, I just realised that I basically repeated what you'd said in your last post!

Youseethethingis · 09/11/2020 15:00

I’m sure the father has been on holiday without the kids at some stage.
So? He’s be a twat for going to Disney every year without his kids too.

BungleandGeorge · 09/11/2020 15:06

You are really judgemental about their mother, I’d advise you just take a step back. I would think it’s the right thing to do to honour the commitment, you obviously think differently so maybe next time make sure it’s clear when it’s agreed what you are agreeing to. It’s not only about the mum, the children were expecting to spend time with their father. The clear animosity between their two parents families is not a positive thing for them.

MyCatHatesEverybody · 09/11/2020 15:15

@Coffeepot72 if was worth it for the goat analogy... imagine all those kids eh

MyCatHatesEverybody · 09/11/2020 15:16

make sure it’s clear when it’s agreed what you are agreeing to

They agreed to 3 weeks so mum could go away on holiday. She's no longer going away on holiday. What's unclear about that?

funinthesun19 · 09/11/2020 15:17

if they were your own children you would have to deal with them whilst being ill

They’re not her children though.

I went through 4 pregnancies and I coped with morning sickness and everything else because the existing children are my own. That’s the key difference. And the stepchild I had was easy to cope with so contact was ok. But there was no way I would have been having stepchild extra because the mum needed a break or needed me to do xyz for her.

YarToTheNar · 09/11/2020 15:26

maybe next time make sure it’s clear when it’s agreed what you are agreeing to

They agreed to have the children for 3 weeks so mum could go on holiday. She is no longer going on holiday. Seems perfectly clear to me.

Who in their right mind wouldn't expect contact to resume in this instance? I'm so surprised that there are genuinely people out there who would just not see their kids for X amount of time because they were going on holiday which they now aren't.

If my mum agrees to have my kids for a week whilst me and DH go to Spain, if the holiday is then cancelled, I wouldn't expect my mum to still have them even though she'd previously agreed. She'd agreed so I could go away, now I'm not.

funinthesun19 · 09/11/2020 15:27

I would think it’s the right thing to do to honour the commitment

But why? The commitment was so that the mum could go on holiday. Now that she’s not going on holiday, there shouldn’t have to be a commitment. They should have that option to opt out now.

funinthesun19 · 09/11/2020 15:28

That’s a really good way of putting it.

Youseethethingis · 09/11/2020 15:29

the children were expecting to spend time with their father.
... and their mother was expecting to be on holiday and OP was expecting not to be throwing up so much she required hospital treatment....
Good life lesson - things change, and sometimes other people’s needs are important too

YarToTheNar · 09/11/2020 15:31

Do we really have to specify now a list of reasons why we may no longer be able to accommodate something that was previously agreed?

'Yes, I'll have the kids when you go away on holiday for 3 week. Unless your holiday is then cancelled meaning you'll be at home and my wife has hyperemesis gravidarum and is in hospital'

Surely normal human adults are capable of understanding why the circumstances are slightly different now?

LastGoldenDaysOfSummer · 09/11/2020 15:38

I can't believe how bent out f shape some posters are getting while trying to excuse the mother's selfish idiocy. Very silly.

JamieLeeCurtains · 09/11/2020 15:44

I didn't even have HG, 'just' severe pregnancy sickness. I remember throwing up in a hedge walking from the train to work, not being able to eat, losing weight, hideous migraines, etc.

I was in a right state.

I think a lot I people don't understand unless they've had it.

BlueThistles · 09/11/2020 15:47

OP take care of yourself.

blackcat86 · 09/11/2020 15:50

And OP has nailed it with her last post. Sadly OP this won't stop and you need to be setting some cast iron boundaries now because things are unlikely to get easier for you with a newborn. Me and my newborn were fighting for our lives and I was separated from my baby an hour after birth because doctors were worried I was about to have a stroke or a seizure and my baby was unresponsive....still the whole thing became about DSS and his mum and how upset she was I had a baby, how DSS felt neglected etc etc literally the afternoon this was happening. She had been born exactly 1 hour... it took me a lot of therapy to be OK with asking for what I need, for me and my baby being important to, for realising that DHs ex's life is how it is because of her own choices and is not my fault or responsibility, that I don't need to feel ashamed of the things I'm successful at, and that I don't need to feel ashamed for wanting my own child. These things are all OK although some of MN will disagree with me on that. Do what you need to do. Your SDC have 2 parents to love and care for them but right now your unborn baby is solely dependent on you looking after yourself as best you can.

Bookaholic73 · 09/11/2020 15:59

They aren’t your children, therefore they aren’t your responsibility.
If DH wants them with you, then he takes that time off work to look after them.

BungleandGeorge · 09/11/2020 17:13

None of you know what was agreed. If it was agreed between the two parents the step mum might not either. It’s very possible the Dad wanted his children for 3 weeks isn’t it? Maybe didn’t really want to give that up. Apparently when he bothered to speak to her the Mum agreed to have the kids?? Not the same as asking a grandparent, they don’t have parental responsibility unlike parents. Dad looking after kids is just as valid as Mum looking after kids.
I think many people are posting with their own baggage. I’m not sure why people can’t see the animosity and judgement coming from the step mother which is probably fuelling the situation. Couldn’t be bothered with the drama myself, if the other parent had such a problem looking after their kids I’d just do it myself. I’m not sure why it affects step mum so much unless the Dad is expecting her to do childcare in which case it’s a problem with her partner not with the children’s Mum.

BlueThistles · 09/11/2020 17:17

I’m not sure why it affects step mum so much

RTFT

BungleandGeorge · 09/11/2020 17:21

DH says they would be looking forward to.it and it would just be from 3 as they are in school

Your husband wanted to have them, blame him for not sorting something out. Whether Mum works, or goes on holiday, or goes somewhere you don’t approve of, it’s not your concern, don’t go down the route of deflecting criticism to her. It’s your partner who is responsible for ensuring your health and happiness. You’re not wrong to be annoyed if he is seriously expecting you to care for his children.

MyCatHatesEverybody · 09/11/2020 17:46

OP says the youngest two are clingy to her. Regardless of whether dad does 100% of the childcare does anyone seriously think those DC would really enjoy spending a block of three weeks overhearing OP throwing up constantly and being too unwell to interact with them, when they have the alternative of being at home with mum for at least some of those 3 weeks? Some posters are talking like it's OP and her DH who wants a full 3 weeks away from the DC and are forgetting they're still having them for their usual contact time of 40%.

So much of the anti step mum crap on these threads hides behind advocating what's best for the children when in fact it's often nothing more than projection of the person's own negative experiences with step parents or shit exes.

loopyloo12 · 09/11/2020 17:50

I'm confused about the Disney world trip, we go to Disney world I would never go without my daughter

funinthesun19 · 09/11/2020 18:16

Definitely boundaries need putting in place!
It will only get worse from here.

When a stepmum doesn’t yet have children of her own, it’s a lot easier for her to say no to requests and expectations. But when she has her own children, people expect her to bow down and never say no and she’ll get a lot more stick for it if she does.

Take annual leave for example. If a stepmum without children has a week off during the summer holidays, it’s a lot easier for her to say NO to using her annual leave to babysit her stepchildren for the week.
But if she’s taking time off because her own children are off school, it’s a lot harder to say no to looking after the stepchildren too. The mum of the stepchildren can plan it so that she benefits financially from the SM being off work too if the stupid husband opens his gob.

And then take maternity leave for example too. The stepmum has 9 months off work and instantly it becomes all about the stepchild can come over more, stepchild doesn’t need to go to holidays clubs anymore, stepmum is always there for emergencies, stepmum is there for school runs, stepmum can bake cakes and do endless arts and crafts with the stepchildren and get all excited about extra time with them. Suffocating.

So yes. Please learn to say NO!

Youseethethingis · 09/11/2020 18:29

@funinthesun19
We have been in the trenches on a few of those threads together over the years (I rotate usernames) and I know exactly what you mean.
I’ve found it easier to say “no” since I got pregnant with DS though. DSD is her mother’s top priority so it should be a big surprise to precisely no one to find out that my children are my top priority. If it doesn’t suit me then I’m not doing anyone any favours anymore.

funinthesun19 · 09/11/2020 18:52

We have been in the trenches on a few of those threads together over the years (I rotate usernames) and I know exactly what you mean.

Ha yep! I’ve seen many of them. Some threads more vicious than others. Some old threads still annoy me to this day and I’m not even a stepmum anymore. Thank fuck.

I’ve found it easier to say “no” since I got pregnant with DS though. DSD is her mother’s top priority so it should be a big surprise to precisely no one to find out that my children are my top priority. If it doesn’t suit me then I’m not doing anyone any favours anymore.

Exactly right and that’s the best attitude to have. Your stepchildren don’t need you but your own children need you 100%.

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