Am I being unreasonable??

[WishingMatilda]

Will keep it brief as I can. Please, any guidance or outside opinion would be great.

4 DSC'S age 6-14. Great relationship with them all and we have a lot of fun. We have them 40/60 with DH's ex.

At the beginning of the hear, DH's ex told us she was going to Disney Florida this month for two and a half weeks and we would have the kids in that time. All good.

Obviously now with lockdown that won't be happening, and she can't even go on a UK break now.

I am 6 weeks pregnant and on Monday have been in hospital for 2 days with hyperemesis gravidarum, on a drip as severely dehydrated and malnourished. I'm still feeling very ill and vomiting and nausea, will probably need to go back in soon as not keeping anything down.

DH's ex has never worked, we both work full time (obviously at the moment I am signed off)

DH says they would be looking forward to.it and it would just be from 3 as they are in school. Now I love the kids but the youngest two particularly are very clingy to me.

To be clear, I am not saying for.our regular pattern of child contact to be stopped,.

But am ai being awful to not be very happy with her having a 2/3 week break for absolutely no reason when I am so ill and need rest, on doctors orders?

DH seems to be scared of her sometimes.

Please be kind to me, I'm feeling very sensitive, guilty and sick!

I think people are being a bit harsh here.
Yes, you agreed to this before you got pregnant. But you didn't know you were going to be so very poorly then, nor did you know that we would be locked down again, meaning DH can't even take them out to give you breaks.
Yes, if you had other kids who lived with you, you'd have to cope somehow. But you don't. And if there's a solution that means you don't have to struggle (i.e. the kids stay with their mum) then why wouldn't you take that option?! It's absolutely ridiculous to say 'well you'd have to cope if you were in x situation' because you're not. We could all say that about loads of things in our lives. It's pointless.

I can only think that the people saying these things have never felt as poorly as you during pregnancy. You simply can't look after children effectively with no energy, while constantly needing to throw up - and to be honest, it might be stressful for the kids to see you like that, anyway.

I would chat to their mother about it (well, get DH to do it anyway) and say you're very unwell at the moment, you've been in hospital, and would she mind keeping them. Perhaps they can see you at the weekend, but not for such a long, solid period.

I hope you feel better soon x

Quick update - DH has told her the situation in the hope she would understand.

Instead, she has told DH she will go to CMS to have extra payments for that week, because we are not having them now.
She seems to think that's how it works.

Again a long history of her doing this. We pay the CMS calculator amount and pay for all trips/uniform.etc. She tried to get my income taken into account because she said it wasn't fair we have two incomes.

I'm going back to hospital so will try and update when I can

Does you not having them change the number of nights on CMS? Unless it does, she’s wasting her time.

If I was you I’d step right back and let your DH deal with it

I can't imagine choosing just not to see your kids for 2 weeks and knowing you're putting an unwell pregnant woman into looking after them while you do bugger all.

I agree. I know there is the whole “Yes your DH agreed to have them over that time so it’s his responsibility”, but really, common sense needs to be used here.

Also, If the dad takes time off work then he might lose out on money. I’m assuming the ex will still want the same level of maintenance? With everything that is going on, there are restrictions with merging households, so he can’t exactly find childcare elsewhere. He can’t ask granny for help for example. The op isn’t available, but the mum IS. So the children should be with mum.

I don't understand why it wasn't automatically rethought when it became clear she wouldn't be going anymore?

YANBU, unless your DH plans on taking ALL the pressure off you while they're there. You're the only person who could do without it right now so it doesn't make sense not to change the plan.

@kcar Not of you include all the times we've had them extra, such as in lockdown, extra nights all the time. We're already only 2 nights away from being exactly 50/50 anyway, which she knows.

I'm letting DH deal with it. I wish he hadn't told me to be honest.

Quick update - DH has told her the situation in the hope she would understand.
Instead, she has told DH she will go to CMS to have extra payments for that week, because we are not having them now.
She seems to think that's how it works.

She clearly doesn’t understand then. Talk about spitting her dummy out.
She’s very self absorbed and looking for a way to punish you.

I don't understand why it wasn't automatically rethought when it became clear she wouldn't be going anymore?

Because DH is pathetic and would never want to get his head out the sand.

I'm at A and E now waiting for gynae doctor.

@WishingMatilda

Quick update - DH has told her the situation in the hope she would understand. Instead, she has told DH she will go to CMS to have extra payments for that week, because we are not having them now. She seems to think that's how it works.

Again a long history of her doing this. We pay the CMS calculator amount and pay for all trips/uniform.etc. She tried to get my income taken into account because she said it wasn't fair we have two incomes.

As though CMS is some kind of rent-a-child service?

£X/hour?

Jesus wept. I'm sorry, OP - this is not the time for you to have to fight your own corner.

@ladybee28 Thank you. Yes that's exactly how she views it.

I just wish she didn't figure so heavily in our marriage. He has allowed her to call way too many shots for way too long. I am so so sick, will probably be admitted again shortly, yet all I can think about is how I am going to deal with this and how unfair and unjust it is.

What am I supposed to do? I feel pathetic. I just need some practical advice. I'm so lost.

I don't think you're being unreasonable. When you agreed to it you weren't pregnant and now she's not going. Both your DH and the ex are being unfair on you, plans change.
At the end of the day you really need to rest and think of YOUR baby. If DH insists his children come stay then you need to make it clear you will be stayingn your room and he has to step up and look after all 3 kids and you. Once he realises he'll have to do all the parenting alone I have a feeling he won't be as keen. Good luck xx

Also, stop worrying about it. It's not really your problem, it's his to sort out. Focus on yourself xx

Sorry I'll stop posting soon but what kind of mother goes to Disneyland without her 4 kids who are perfect ages for it. She sounds awful, no wonder her kids cling to you!

If you’ve NC and posted when you broke your back I remember the dynamic and how he’d “forgotten” to book time off work to look after them. I really feel for you. Hope the hospital are taking very good care of you. Please keep posting.

Thanks @Trixie18 that's helpful and I know you're right.
He has messaged and said he has sorted it with her but now it appears she has kicked off again as he has mentioned he is on the phone to CMS.

I'm just so sick of it. 4 step children I've taken on and honestly I really, really don't ask for much.

@AnneLovesGilbert yep, that was me. It was a nightmare, I didn't have any respite from them at all, nothing was done. And here we are again.

If the kids are there for 2 weeks then he needs to take care of them. Let you rest and puke in peace.

If you were in hospital for those 2 weeks how would he cope with the kids?

Tell him to pretend you are not there.

I'm sorry you are feeling so poorly.
I agree that dad should look after the children. I assume that mum doesn't want to miss her break even though she can't go away. If she is such a stickler for the 40/60 split could it be rearranged to a better time?

He does not see what he's done wrong. He says he is prioritising me and the step kids.

I've told him I want a divorce.

OP ... take some time to breathe and relax for a bit... this stress is not good for you or the baby .... 🌺

Blimey OP. What did he say to that? Normally I’d say you’re in the eye of the storm so I wouldn’t rush any major life decisions. However, this is the last in a pattern of him putting his ex first. Life will be yet more complicated adding a baby of your own to the blended picture.

Have you got someone to stay with for a few days if you feel you need to once you’re out of hospital? I’m sure last time you mentioned your mum’s? You need a lot of cherishing right now and I hope you can get it somewhere. Take care of yourself.

@WishingMatilda
Please don’t put yourself under additional strain when you are already so upset. Is there anywhere you can move out to for now to leave him to it while you get back on an even keel?
I’m so angry for you. The stupid man is so used to dealing with a mother who doesn’t put her children first that he can’t see what he’s about to lose or why.

Thank you all so much.

I'm home from hospital. In our room on my own. Kids are here. He is disney dadding to them massively and just ignoring me.
I've told them to basically just think of me as bot being here this weekend.

She goes to Disney EVERY YEAR without her kids?! Wow. What a b#@££ !

If you had kids of your own or the SDs living with you full time you wouldn't be able to not have them. However, you absolutely need some rest so in this case your DH needs to leave you in bed as much as possible and step up to the mark.