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Step-parenting

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Original poster

BM expectations?

264 replies

Songbird232018 · 02/11/2020 22:44

So BM or some she knows has been on MN as in a text row yesterday she called my partner a useless Disney dad... I got really defensive as in my eyes he's the furthest from it and I'm not blind to his faults by any means!

So decent dad points if you will

• pays CSA every month religiously for 2 kids granted he was paying more and its took a drop this year because he's had less work. Gone from 360 to around 300 last month
• has 3 kids (2 bio one step) EOW, twice for tea, half holidays if not more and more random nights when possible ie Inset days
• pays 1 child's phone bill mum does the other
• all 3 kids get £15 pocket money a month
• when we can we treat the kids to new trainers/Coats etc and we always get the expensive Christmas / bday gift such as PlayStation, laptop, phone etc as they are always told to ask dad and we like treating them.
• always attends parents evening/ sports days/ open days etc
• pulls the kids up on bad behaviour and has no issues being hard when needed (rare!)

• Family life here is harmonious with my and our bio son 3
• we allow sleepovers and parties as we have a bigger house and space for them

Points where I can see issues maybe

• he doesn't really get involved in or enforce homework when they are with us which I've pulled him up on

• he does refuse to half school trips now as we paid for one at £120 only to find out the child didn't go and we didn't get that money back so he has refused to out towards any others ( we always give spending money) the kids would never miss out if they really wanted to go somewhere to be honest As we would sort it if we could.

• similar issue with uniforms he was buying shoes / bags etc but nothing was ever right and she wanted cash rather than him buy the items ( she took everything back ) so he stopped this and only only pays CSA to cover uniforms this is a area he won't budge on at all now and I do agree she gets enough to cover this for 2 children.

I guess I just want others opinions as a lot of my friends have Exs who do nothing and pay nothing yet we always get the worst words from from BMs mouth!

BM is married again with 3 other children with new husband just for info

OP posts:
Bollss · 04/11/2020 12:21

@Veterinari

How do you know she's scraping together funds for daily living costs?

Why would you expect me to bother to answer when you're clearly being a GF who's unwilling to answer any questions themselves?

You're clearly just here for an argument. It's tedious, especially as you aren't actually very good at it.

I wouldn't expect you to answer, because there is absolutely 0 evidence of her having to scrape together funds is there? it's just something you've completely made up!

Why am i a GF? i mean you might think i am "not very good at an argument" which is fine because i am not arguing with you, just pointing out the fact you're making up a load of shit to make your point. Weird.

dontdisturbmenow · 04/11/2020 13:52

are they struggling a bit?
Why would he reduce the maintenance if they are not?

LyingDogsLie1 · 04/11/2020 13:59

@TheFormerPorpentinaScamander

“their Mum” or “the Mum” doesn’t work aswell as an acronym as BM.

Bollss · 04/11/2020 14:04

@dontdisturbmenow

are they struggling a bit? Why would he reduce the maintenance if they are not?
because he's had less work therefore less income but i wouldn't necessarily say that they were struggling as op has not said that?
Veterinari · 04/11/2020 14:15

because he's had less work therefore less income but i wouldn't necessarily say that they were struggling as op has not said that?

And can afford to buy a larger house a block of driving lessons an numerous luxury goods.
But still chose to reduce the maintenance they paid. Nice

Bollss · 04/11/2020 14:16

@Veterinari

because he's had less work therefore less income but i wouldn't necessarily say that they were struggling as op has not said that?

And can afford to buy a larger house a block of driving lessons an numerous luxury goods.
But still chose to reduce the maintenance they paid. Nice

oh my god they are probably just paying what the CMS tell them to pay - what is wrong with that?

if they'd not bought extras on top of that you'd be moaning about that n'all - what is your problem?

Veterinari · 04/11/2020 14:21

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Frankola · 04/11/2020 14:39

The hypocrisy with CMS payments is the typical "£300 doesn't cover much for mum".

But that isn't all dad provides is it? Dad also pays his own bills so that the child/ren can come to his house and have their own rooms, toys, clothes etc there with him.

So in effect Dad pays £600 a month for the kids if you estimated he'd be paying the same in bills etc.

Just because mum doesn't get it all doesn't mean the child's costs aren't covered.

Bollss · 04/11/2020 14:42

@Veterinari

I wouldn't expect you to answer, because there is absolutely 0 evidence of her having to scrape together funds is there? it's just something you've completely made up!

No which is why I didn't say that - you did. You're so desperate for interaction you're actually arguing with yourselfGrin

you said this

"I'm not surprised the DC mum calls your DH a Disney dad. He's clearly prioritising the big splashy gifts to make himself popular and leaving her to scrape together funds for daily living costs"

at 1 minute past 8 this morning.

LyingDogsLie1 · 04/11/2020 15:07

It always strikes me on this post when other posters jump in and say whatever the Dad pays isn’t much. Whatever the figure, they seem to assume it should cover ALL the children’s expenses, without also factoring in that the Mum has a financial obligation?

What is this? Why do mothers never have an assumed financial contribution? The other bills like housing, utilities are all duplicated. But the children’s expenses aren’t.

TheFormerPorpentinaScamander · 04/11/2020 16:01

[quote LyingDogsLie1]@TheFormerPorpentinaScamander

“their Mum” or “the Mum” doesn’t work aswell as an acronym as BM.[/quote]
Yes it does. Or the generally accepted MN acronym DM. Its worked for years as most people accept that BM is offensive.
The only way BM works "better" is if your aim is to piss off and upset mums.

Bollss · 04/11/2020 16:15

I don't get this argument about BM being massively offensive.

Its just a fact - she is a biological parent. I couldn't be arsed getting upset about calling me BM to my son, because that's exactly what i am.

I don't think people deserve the kicking they get for it either, because its widely accepted elsewhere and people dont realise that people are so vile about it on MN.

I actually think MN should lay out some rules on this board - it would be nice to have a supportive step parenting board rather than a place you go to get absolutely roasted by people who simply go there to let off some steam and be nasty.

Veterinari · 04/11/2020 18:11

@LyingDogsLie1

It always strikes me on this post when other posters jump in and say whatever the Dad pays isn’t much. Whatever the figure, they seem to assume it should cover ALL the children’s expenses, without also factoring in that the Mum has a financial obligation?

What is this? Why do mothers never have an assumed financial contribution? The other bills like housing, utilities are all duplicated. But the children’s expenses aren’t.

I factored in the costs the mum provides in an earlier post. My view is based on the assumption it costs more than £10 quid a day to house feed/clothe and raise a child for 26 days a month. Happy to be corrected if not though
Veterinari · 04/11/2020 18:14

@TrustTheGeneGenie
Then I refer you to the post you quoted at 12.21

Bollss · 04/11/2020 18:21

[quote Veterinari]@TrustTheGeneGenie
Then I refer you to the post you quoted at 12.21

[/quote]
Yeah the one where you say you can't answer it? To which I replied essentially yes I know you can't because it's a load of old made up shite?

Enoughnowstop · 04/11/2020 18:25

I don't think people deserve the kicking they get for it either, because its widely accepted elsewhere and people dont realise that people are so vile about it on MN

Vile? It is widely accepted as an acronym that works in the context of fostering and adoption where a parent has either made a decision to give up their child to or the legal situation is such that they are no longer able to care for their child. That is (rarely) the case when it comes to step parenting. It is frequently used as a put down. If it was just a statement of fact, the ‘b’ would be added when referring to the relationship between dad and step children but it it never is. It is loaded although I accept not everyone uses it with any intended malice.

Bollss · 04/11/2020 18:27

@Enoughnowstop

I don't think people deserve the kicking they get for it either, because its widely accepted elsewhere and people dont realise that people are so vile about it on MN

Vile? It is widely accepted as an acronym that works in the context of fostering and adoption where a parent has either made a decision to give up their child to or the legal situation is such that they are no longer able to care for their child. That is (rarely) the case when it comes to step parenting. It is frequently used as a put down. If it was just a statement of fact, the ‘b’ would be added when referring to the relationship between dad and step children but it it never is. It is loaded although I accept not everyone uses it with any intended malice.

Yes, vile. It's widely accepted in step parenting situations elsewhere though isn't it? Op has not used it as a put down, fair enough pulling someone up on it when they're being deliberately offensive but she wasn't. She referred to her own son as get bio son ffs.

She didn't deserve the kicking she got, posters rarely do.

TheFormerPorpentinaScamander · 04/11/2020 18:27

@Enoughnowstop

I don't think people deserve the kicking they get for it either, because its widely accepted elsewhere and people dont realise that people are so vile about it on MN

Vile? It is widely accepted as an acronym that works in the context of fostering and adoption where a parent has either made a decision to give up their child to or the legal situation is such that they are no longer able to care for their child. That is (rarely) the case when it comes to step parenting. It is frequently used as a put down. If it was just a statement of fact, the ‘b’ would be added when referring to the relationship between dad and step children but it it never is. It is loaded although I accept not everyone uses it with any intended malice.

Exactly this. And surely, if you use it because its accepted on other forums, then come here and get told its not, then you apologise and don't use it again.
Bollss · 04/11/2020 18:28

Why would you apologise to people who have been awful to you?

Bollss · 04/11/2020 18:30

And who says it's not acceptable here? Mnhq never have and I don't personally think it should be up to the ex wives club to decide what can and can't be said on the step parenting board.

GroundAlmonds · 04/11/2020 18:37

He sounds miserly and controlling.

BTW “treating DC to” coats and shoes isn’t a thing. You sound like the stereotypical evil stepmother trying to make out essentials are treats. When you buy shoes for your own DC do you call it a treat?

Tiredoftattler · 04/11/2020 18:57

Parental obligations to children are not tied to the parents' marital status. Moms and dads should be meeting the same obligations that they expected to meet when they decided to have children.
Meeting or even exceeding governmental standards is meeting minimum standards. Parents should be actively involved in all aspecs of their minor children's lives. The should both monitor home work, teach and instill values, attend and participate in activities, discuss future plans, there is no aspect of parenting that should be viewed as the responsibility of one parent vs the other.
Too many parents pat themselves on the back for being good parents as though that is some exceptional feat. Children have a right to expect parents to do all of the things that good parents have an obligation to do.

There are no prizes to be awarded for good parenting but failing to do so causes so much damage.

Frankola · 04/11/2020 19:13

@trustthegenegenie Exactly! I don't know why the first wives club spend so much time on the step parenting thread. A thread aimed to support step parents!

Well, I do know why they do. Its to do this - bashing step parents.

LyingDogsLie1 · 04/11/2020 20:05

I wouldn’t say my DC costs £10 extra a day. I have to heat my house for myself, I have to pay water and utilities for myself. My bills haven’t gone up significantly because of my DC. Confused

LyingDogsLie1 · 04/11/2020 20:06

*Exactly! I don't know why the first wives club spend so much time on the step parenting thread. A thread aimed to support step parents!

Well, I do know why they do. Its to do this - bashing step parents.*

They’ve not moved on. Which means unfortunately they come here to project rather than be constructive.

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