BM expectations?

[Songbird232018]

So BM or some she knows has been on MN as in a text row yesterday she called my partner a useless Disney dad... I got really defensive as in my eyes he's the furthest from it and I'm not blind to his faults by any means!

So decent dad points if you will

• pays CSA every month religiously for 2 kids granted he was paying more and its took a drop this year because he's had less work. Gone from 360 to around 300 last month
• has 3 kids (2 bio one step) EOW, twice for tea, half holidays if not more and more random nights when possible ie Inset days
• pays 1 child's phone bill mum does the other
• all 3 kids get £15 pocket money a month
• when we can we treat the kids to new trainers/Coats etc and we always get the expensive Christmas / bday gift such as PlayStation, laptop, phone etc as they are always told to ask dad and we like treating them.
• always attends parents evening/ sports days/ open days etc
• pulls the kids up on bad behaviour and has no issues being hard when needed (rare!)

• Family life here is harmonious with my and our bio son 3
• we allow sleepovers and parties as we have a bigger house and space for them

Points where I can see issues maybe

• he doesn't really get involved in or enforce homework when they are with us which I've pulled him up on

• he does refuse to half school trips now as we paid for one at £120 only to find out the child didn't go and we didn't get that money back so he has refused to out towards any others ( we always give spending money) the kids would never miss out if they really wanted to go somewhere to be honest As we would sort it if we could.

• similar issue with uniforms he was buying shoes / bags etc but nothing was ever right and she wanted cash rather than him buy the items ( she took everything back ) so he stopped this and only only pays CSA to cover uniforms this is a area he won't budge on at all now and I do agree she gets enough to cover this for 2 children.

I guess I just want others opinions as a lot of my friends have Exs who do nothing and pay nothing yet we always get the worst words from from BMs mouth!

BM is married again with 3 other children with new husband just for info

@LyingDogsLie1

I wouldn’t say my DC costs £10 extra a day. I have to heat my house for myself, I have to pay water and utilities for myself. My bills haven’t gone up significantly because of my DC.

Fair enough - I'd assume you'd have childcare costs, activities, transport, clothing, food, pocket money, toys etc. Perhaps you don't but I'd think most parents do

What for a 17 year old? You have to be joking.

OP has referenced driving lessons. Her DSS is old enough to buy his own toys. She was asking for advice on her particular situations not general advice based on your own assumptions.

He's not paying maintenance for the 17yo. He's not his kid.

I don't spend £10 a day on my 4yo.

When he was at nursery I did but I'd I was a single parent I would have got UC to top that up quite a bit so...

I'm not buying clothes every month, we don't do expensive hobbies, toys aren't an every week thing either in our house. Transport doesn't cost me any more because of ds either. Extra food yes but doesn't come close to £10 a day.

Thanks All, to answer a few questions we bought the larger house so that there was generally more living space having 3 teen , 2 adult and a toddler

These are not small children.

@TrustTheGeneGenie we always have done, due to various health issues she has had over the years, mainly due to poor mental
health, her income hasn’t been as steady.

For the past couple of years she has given him a weekly allowance from it of £30 a week. This is for bus fayre, school (now college) food etc. So really it does go directly to him so we’ve never had any objections with it.

Collectively between DH and I we’ve been the higher earns over the years, her now husband actually earns a considerable amount more than us together but we sense that he’s not hugely generous / willing to spend when it comes to DSS.

Admittedly I spend a far whack on childcare. But my son is a toddler. He’ll soon have his free hours. If I was single I’d be getting child tax credit of £300 pcm, then any CMS. I would still live pretty comfortably. Then when our free hours kicked in I’d be absolutely fine. Kids aren’t as expensive as first wives will have you believe.

@LyingDogsLie1

What for a 17 year old? You have to be joking.

17 year old isn't his. I was listing costs in general for child raising as I don't know how old these children are. But regardless of age I'd still expect clothes, shoes, food, activities and transport to be a cost. Teens can certainly eat a LOT. For teens I'd expect, phones, music subscriptions, etc, also. That's In addition to the the very basic utilities you mention. And housing costs still have to be considered.

Perhaps children aren't that expensive, In which case contributing £150 quid a month might be reasonable,
But the rest of his behaviour is still crap

Why is the rest of his behaviour crap??

For teens I'd expect, phones, music subscriptions, etc, also.

If teens want things like that they have to start contributing themselves.

@TrustTheGeneGenie

Why is the rest of his behaviour crap??

Again difference in opinion but spending only 4 days and 4 dinners a month with your kids isn't great, refusing to contribute to uniforms, buying big show off lavish gifts but reducing his CMS payments.

I'm pretty bored of repeating myself now, you can read the thread. Clearly many posts think that's totally acceptable parenting.
I think it's a bit shit.

@LyingDogsLie1

For teens I'd expect, phones, music subscriptions, etc, also.

If teens want things like that they have to start contributing themselves.

How do 13-16 year olds earn money for those things?

The problem is non resident parents (ok, I mean dads) paying maintenance and for kids after separation/divorce is viewed as a luxury. No, it should be a given. So disregarding maintenance and money towards his child's essentials, what does he do that is so wonderful? Or is he a bit shit other than the money?

My dad always paid maintenance. He stuck to the court contact schedule. He bought me birthday and Christmas presents and contributed to some of my costs. He also speaks to both me & my mum (not the BM! Just my mum!) like we are pieces of shit he trod in and has never been there for me beyond what was mandated. He was a Disney Dad before I had ever heard of it! He even took me to Disney (for the boasting and photo opportunities in an era way before social media)

Again difference in opinion but spending only 4 days and 4 dinners a month with your kids isn't great
Fairly standard tbh and we have no idea whether this is what he wants or what his ex wife wants do we? No.

refusing to contribute to uniform

But we know why that happened don't we?

buying big show off lavish gifts

Yeah I mean what kind of an arsehole buys PRESENTS FOR HIS KIDS.

but reducing his CMS payments

Yes because he earnt less? Presumably mum spends less on her kids after having 3 more - is that ok?

I'm pretty bored of repeating myself now, you can read the thread. Clearly many posts think that's totally acceptable parenting
I think it's a bit shit

I think you're just having a go tbh

@Veterinari sorry I didn't answer your questions I can't find them now, I'm happy to do so what were they?

@LyingDogsLie1 thank you for showing understanding of the whole situation

The coats and shoes were never said as treats... I we've bought basic ones and higher end ones.

Also their mum is not struggling as far as I am aware of. Yes they have 6 children so money I'm off course tighter there but that isn't our problem or job to subside. I don't know all their finances, mum works 2 mornings a week and her husband is full time.

The 17 year old is my partners step son his own bio dad pays the bare non CSA for him court ordered but nothing else and there has been no contact for 8 years or so, so he is treated the same as the others in terms of contact no we do not pay monthly for him as that's already done albeit not much.

I cannot remember who said this but whoever referred to me as 'one of those evil step mothers' I would love to see a great one if mine is awful. 😂 get a grip!

@TrustTheGeneGenie thanks you for the common sense!

@Songbird232018
They were relating to what he does in terms of parenting - does he cook the dinners they eat, do their laundry when they stay etc? Or is that left to you and their mum (on their return).

I was asking because I think it gives helpful context for things like the homework issue. Is he contributing to their daily care in other ways?

@TrustTheGeneGenie

Again difference in opinion but spending only 4 days and 4 dinners a month with your kids isn't great Fairly standard tbh and we have no idea whether this is what he wants or what his ex wife wants do we? No.

refusing to contribute to uniform

But we know why that happened don't we?

buying big show off lavish gifts

Yeah I mean what kind of an arsehole buys PRESENTS FOR HIS KIDS.

but reducing his CMS payments

Yes because he earnt less? Presumably mum spends less on her kids after having 3 more - is that ok?

I'm pretty bored of repeating myself now, you can read the thread. Clearly many posts think that's totally acceptable parenting
I think it's a bit shit

I think you're just having a go tbh

It's like Groundhog Day in this thread 😁

It is! You keep making ridiculous points that you can't back up.

Fairly standard tbh and we have no idea whether this is what he wants or what his ex wife wants do we? No.

Well apart from where OP clearly said it's because he's works...

@Veterinari

Fairly standard tbh and we have no idea whether this is what he wants or what his ex wife wants do we? No.

Well apart from where OP clearly said it's because he's works...

And if he worked less he'd pay less maintenance wouldn't he? Can't win!

You see him as a good dad because he is there everyday with you and your children, his other children he is seeing at best less than half a year, his working schedule don't bother you because it works for you, mum is always accommodating to this. - What if mum started off a career and said it's going to be different times we'll have them each month, on my terms because it's my work pattern and you didn't have a choice in that?
Also paying CSA isn't some decent dad points either he's their dad, mum doesn't get to spend a set amount on the children each month knowing how much she'll be left with.
If the uniform wasn't right and she took everything back and kept the money she would've still spent it to buy the right ones then?!
Why does co-parenting need to mean I'll buy this so you'll have to get this, the parenting itself isn't 50/50 or it wouldn't be only having them when he can.

If your household income reduces you have no option but to spend less.

NRP aren’t some sort of ATM - if there’s nothing to give they can’t give it.

BM’s use them as an overdraft facility.