BM expectations?

[Songbird232018]

So BM or some she knows has been on MN as in a text row yesterday she called my partner a useless Disney dad... I got really defensive as in my eyes he's the furthest from it and I'm not blind to his faults by any means!

So decent dad points if you will

• pays CSA every month religiously for 2 kids granted he was paying more and its took a drop this year because he's had less work. Gone from 360 to around 300 last month
• has 3 kids (2 bio one step) EOW, twice for tea, half holidays if not more and more random nights when possible ie Inset days
• pays 1 child's phone bill mum does the other
• all 3 kids get £15 pocket money a month
• when we can we treat the kids to new trainers/Coats etc and we always get the expensive Christmas / bday gift such as PlayStation, laptop, phone etc as they are always told to ask dad and we like treating them.
• always attends parents evening/ sports days/ open days etc
• pulls the kids up on bad behaviour and has no issues being hard when needed (rare!)

• Family life here is harmonious with my and our bio son 3
• we allow sleepovers and parties as we have a bigger house and space for them

Points where I can see issues maybe

• he doesn't really get involved in or enforce homework when they are with us which I've pulled him up on

• he does refuse to half school trips now as we paid for one at £120 only to find out the child didn't go and we didn't get that money back so he has refused to out towards any others ( we always give spending money) the kids would never miss out if they really wanted to go somewhere to be honest As we would sort it if we could.

• similar issue with uniforms he was buying shoes / bags etc but nothing was ever right and she wanted cash rather than him buy the items ( she took everything back ) so he stopped this and only only pays CSA to cover uniforms this is a area he won't budge on at all now and I do agree she gets enough to cover this for 2 children.

I guess I just want others opinions as a lot of my friends have Exs who do nothing and pay nothing yet we always get the worst words from from BMs mouth!

BM is married again with 3 other children with new husband just for info

@Nancydowns

Op, whether your partner is a good dad or not has nothing to do with buying driving lessons or coats or how much he seems them. He's not in competition with the children's mum or any other dad's.

What matters is, are the children happy and well cares for. Are they well adjusted. Do they like spending time with their dad and respect him and his home.

Thats all that matters. Stop feeling like he needs to live up to some sort of expectation and score points. If the kids are happy then keep doing what you're doing.

The only dad points he can earn is having happy, supported kids.

This is really sensible and refreshing to read.

So you really honestly truly believe she hasn't?
How could we know without knowing the income of her new husband?

Just as we don't know how much OP really earns from his job. As a contractor working FT at night for the NHS, so as self employed, his income based on what maintenance he has to pay is unusually low for typical NHS contractors, so maybe his ex is questioning what he declares, especially when he can afford to upgrade his house and treat the kids regularly whilst reducing maintenance.

@dontdisturbmenow

So you really honestly truly believe she hasn't? How could we know without knowing the income of her new husband?

Just as we don't know how much OP really earns from his job. As a contractor working FT at night for the NHS, so as self employed, his income based on what maintenance he has to pay is unusually low for typical NHS contractors, so maybe his ex is questioning what he declares, especially when he can afford to upgrade his house and treat the kids regularly whilst reducing maintenance.

Her husband's income is irrelevant. We are talking about her personally. You have no idea what his job is so you saying his pay is unusually low is absolutely fucking ridiculous.

Raise your expectations of fathers. He seems like a disney dad to me.

CSA is bare minimum. So that ridiculous that you see that as a positive.

4 nights a month?..

And she does all the daily grind and pays the vast majority.

Yep disney dad right there.

I feel your pain....

Apparently according to my OH’s EW:

‘He’s a ‘f@cking shit dad’ (she drove last weekend an hour and was was on our doorstep screaming this in front of the children and had to be removed by the police).

And according to her ‘the term father is used loosely in their house’.

Oh and she’s also written to my OH saying the children ‘are pay per view’.

My my OH’s case:

• Pays CM and had never missed a payment or been late in 8 years. He pays £800 a month for 2 children (way over the CSA amount) - apparently it’s a ‘pathetic contribution’ according to her. She works 16 hours PW.

• Has the kids EOW & half holidays - has asked for more but she won’t allow it. He’s spent thousands taking her to court to be allowed to see his own children.

• Bought both kids a mobile and pays both phone bills (so he could speak to the kids as she wouldn’t allow phone calls). They are 12 & 15 YO and she controls contact & calls.

• He buys coats, trainers etc - everything goes home and it’s never seen again so the cycle repeats.

• Attends parents evenings (the last time she told him ‘f@ck off you piece of shit’ in front of his youngest and the teacher.

TBH it sounds like you have it easy compared to the nut job my OH deals with. Sorry, I don’t mean to belittle, I know how difficult it is to deal with a toxic ex.

My advice would be ignore. These women love the drama and feed off. Ignore, ignore, ignore.......

@Willyoujustbequiet he has EOW Twice for tea a well and half all holidays. Plus lots more with e-learning as I'm home in the day and have agreed to being around etc He works nights full time therefore cannot have them when they are normally in school midweek as he's not here to be with them....

What contact is he supposed to do when workout full nights is his job?

@NorthernSpirit yeah it's crap when you know they a good dad my anyone's standards and I also bring a lot of food to their life! And to be ran down all true time I feel like I just want to scream he could sod off like your oldest a sons dad and pay F all, I could be a nightmare and resent them in every aspect and you would really see how terrible and awful life can be (and is) for some poor mums out there.

Again it's not about wanting gratitude and yeah this is he basic job to raise the kids he made (and one he didn't) but the abuse I can't stand.

Its still just 2 weekends a month most months. Even if you count half the holidays thats still approx less than a third of the time compared to her over 2 thirds annually. So she pays the lion's share and does most of the work too. She has to work her schedule round it but he doesn't.

Whichever way you slice it he's got the better/easier end of the deal either by accident or design. I can imagine many resident parents would feel this is unfair.

I love the child maintenance is a bare minimum statement. See it on here quite often.

Its the calculated amount. Why would he pay more to an ex partner that can't be trusted.

Because if a parent loves their children and wants the best for them and can afford it why on earth would they pay the least amount they can get away with?

We pay “the minimum” we do not pay for anything else, to be fair we used to but uniform was from Tesco not next and wasn’t good enough, that type of thing, very petty, so I stopped. We actually got legal advice when things got complicated and were advised NOT to pay for extras outside of the CM agreement as it is a fair criteria not a bare minimum. I’m not sure where people have gotten that impression from, odd. If any parent can pay more and it’s fair on everybody i.e all children and it’s not causing problems with relationships between BM and BD then knock yourselves out. Our personal experience is it doesn’t work as BM always committed to paying for things we couldn’t afford to pay half of.

@Willyoujustbequiet

Because if a parent loves their children and wants the best for them and can afford it why on earth would they pay the least amount they can get away with?

Child maintenance is a set amount calculated on certain criteria.

Whether extra is paid to the ex will depend on various things . When the ex can't be trusted its better to spend thay money on kids in a way that you know is actually being spent on kids.

We'll see if you think he's such a brilliant dad once you guys split up. See how far your £150 a month will go.

*Child maintenance is a set amount calculated on certain criteria.

Whether extra is paid to the ex will depend on various things . When the ex can't be trusted its better to spend thay money on kids in a way that you know is actually being spent on kids.*

Precisely why DP pays CMS calculation and no more to exW. As someone who doesn't work (through choice), with a history of blowing joint savings on luxuries for herself and also committing fraud, funnily enough we don't trust her with our hard earned cash. So the rest we spend directly on the kids when we have them.