BM expectations?

[Songbird232018]

So BM or some she knows has been on MN as in a text row yesterday she called my partner a useless Disney dad... I got really defensive as in my eyes he's the furthest from it and I'm not blind to his faults by any means!

So decent dad points if you will

• pays CSA every month religiously for 2 kids granted he was paying more and its took a drop this year because he's had less work. Gone from 360 to around 300 last month
• has 3 kids (2 bio one step) EOW, twice for tea, half holidays if not more and more random nights when possible ie Inset days
• pays 1 child's phone bill mum does the other
• all 3 kids get £15 pocket money a month
• when we can we treat the kids to new trainers/Coats etc and we always get the expensive Christmas / bday gift such as PlayStation, laptop, phone etc as they are always told to ask dad and we like treating them.
• always attends parents evening/ sports days/ open days etc
• pulls the kids up on bad behaviour and has no issues being hard when needed (rare!)

• Family life here is harmonious with my and our bio son 3
• we allow sleepovers and parties as we have a bigger house and space for them

Points where I can see issues maybe

• he doesn't really get involved in or enforce homework when they are with us which I've pulled him up on

• he does refuse to half school trips now as we paid for one at £120 only to find out the child didn't go and we didn't get that money back so he has refused to out towards any others ( we always give spending money) the kids would never miss out if they really wanted to go somewhere to be honest As we would sort it if we could.

• similar issue with uniforms he was buying shoes / bags etc but nothing was ever right and she wanted cash rather than him buy the items ( she took everything back ) so he stopped this and only only pays CSA to cover uniforms this is a area he won't budge on at all now and I do agree she gets enough to cover this for 2 children.

I guess I just want others opinions as a lot of my friends have Exs who do nothing and pay nothing yet we always get the worst words from from BMs mouth!

BM is married again with 3 other children with new husband just for info

@Veterinari

Right and what information do you have which makes you think he is using loopholes?

I haven't suggested that he is. My point is that your 'logic' for using CMS as an affordability calculator is deeply flawed. But then it's the same logic that says he can't afford more than a fiver a day to sustain his children but he can afford luxury goods worth hundreds. So to be expected I guess. 🤷‍♀️

Yes if you interpret one thing I say completely wrong you'll do it with everything I suppose.

Yes if you interpret one thing I say completely wrong you'll do it with everything I suppose.

And yet you still can't explain exactly how I misinterpreted you...

You also seem to think posting the same thing multiple times enhances your point.

Maybe if you typed slower and louder I'd understand....

He could do more if he wanted too....

EOW is nothing, 4 nights in a month?! Buying the expensive presents, not contributing to home work etc.

My DSS is practically an adult though now but consistently for the last 12 years my DH has had 50/50 split, 4 nights one week 3 the other week (due to DSS mums health conditions and various points over the years this has been full time at ours).

Maintenance of £200 a month paid still even tho 50/50, half of everything paid for irrespective of which parent buys it.

Phone contract paid for.

Support given as any parent would and is expected as a role of a parent for homework , college , school applications etc.

This is to name a few...

@Changedmynameagain1

He could do more if he wanted too....

EOW is nothing, 4 nights in a month?! Buying the expensive presents, not contributing to home work etc.

My DSS is practically an adult though now but consistently for the last 12 years my DH has had 50/50 split, 4 nights one week 3 the other week (due to DSS mums health conditions and various points over the years this has been full time at ours).

Maintenance of £200 a month paid still even tho 50/50, half of everything paid for irrespective of which parent buys it.

Phone contract paid for.

Support given as any parent would and is expected as a role of a parent for homework , college , school applications etc.

This is to name a few...

Exactly @Changedmynameagain1 That aligns with my experiences of separated friends.

I just find it weird that so many people think minimal parenting is something to be defended

@Veterinari

Yes if you interpret one thing I say completely wrong you'll do it with everything I suppose.

And yet you still can't explain exactly how I misinterpreted you...

You also seem to think posting the same thing multiple times enhances your point.

Maybe if you typed slower and louder I'd understand....

I can't be arsed explaining because you already know. You're willfully doing it, it's not just pure ignorance.

Maintenance of £200 a month paid still even tho 50/50, half of everything paid for irrespective of which parent buys it

Why is he subsidising his ex?

@TrustTheGeneGenie
I can't be arsed explaining because you already know. You're willfully doing it, it's not just pure ignorance.

I genuinely don't. You've ignored all of my questions and explained nothing. I'm not psychic.

@TrustTheGeneGenie

Maintenance of £200 a month paid still even tho 50/50, half of everything paid for irrespective of which parent buys it

Why is he subsidising his ex?

@TrustTheGeneGenie

Why shouldn't he? Perhaps it is important to him that his ex wife (the mother of his child) not suffer duress. Perhaps he feels it is the 'right' thing to do? Perhaps, he does not see it as ''subsidizing''.

Why is he subsidising his ex?

Probably because he earns considerably more? If I posted that my partner wanted to make a contribution to our joint outgoings on a 50/50 basis, but that he earned 3 times my salary, there would be cries of LTB and cocklodger. Yet you think when a couple separates, where there is a discrepancy in incomes, both parents should make the exact same contribution toward ps their children?

Unfair and unreasonable.

Tbf if he didn't religiously pay the child maintenance it'd eventually go to court with a potential direct deduction via his employer/payroll, (which I'd imagine is a pretty embarrassing event 🙄). In respect of 'having to pay double to provide an extra bedroom (in your house)', as its not 50:50 contact so long as an actual bed is provided, then it should fit the needs (even a sofa bed at 4nights a month?). Yes it's great he's supplying pocket money (parents generally like to do this if they can afford it?). I think it sounds like he's doing what's expected? (legally), but then again he is their dad, sooo? I personally don't think the benchmark for 'what you're required to provide' (by law), always equals what you are 'willing to do' (by our own personal benchmarks).

Doesn't sound like dad of the year.... throwing money at kids and turning up, holding events etc isn't special.... every day routine,homework, school run etc...is

I'll also add I personally don't believe attending parents evenings/sports days is quite up there in Nobel Prize territory 😒. They're 1x yearly events and whilst admittedly not always events parents can attend. It's not like the school has an expectation for the parent to instead find a cure for cancer, or shove a rocket up their bum and shuttle to the moon and back. It's just bog standard school event's the school hope parents are willing to invest in to support their children.

Thanks All, to answer a few questions we bought the larger house so that there was generally more living space having 3 teen , 2 adult and a toddler.
They do stay different amounts of times each month and holidays because one has a temp job now so things aren't as routine as when they were younger but the amount staying is over the lowest CSA bracket from what we've looked at.

As for the big extravagant gift giving its more that surely everyone can see that trend wants things things as they get older.. as mum has 6 kids to think of it's just a straight no and they save there pocket money for Christmas/birthday money up for things like this.
We buy then when we can (which isn't every year) because it means the kids can use their money on other things and it takes pressure off mum too right?

The eldest son started driving when Lockdown was lifted and asked if me and my OH would buy him a lesson a month and his mum and step dad would then he's buy one himself. Sounds a good plan but we surprised him with a block of lessons (that we couldn't really afford that month) but he's a good kid with his head screwed on.

I don't really know what I was looking for posting here certainly not rounds of applause for OH 😂just some idea what other dads do to see if he was on the right track as a nrp in the eyes of other mothers.

@Enoughnowstop

Why is he subsidising his ex?

Probably because he earns considerably more? If I posted that my partner wanted to make a contribution to our joint outgoings on a 50/50 basis, but that he earned 3 times my salary, there would be cries of LTB and cocklodger. Yet you think when a couple separates, where there is a discrepancy in incomes, both parents should make the exact same contribution toward ps their children?

Unfair and unreasonable.

The main difference there is that you're living together surely?

Yes I think 50/50 if it truly is that, is fair.

OP, I’m sorry you’re getting a bashing on here. MN freaks out at the term BM. I understand you were using it for context.

Your OH is doing just fine. BM most likely wants to be bank rolled.

As for the big extravagant gift giving its more that surely everyone can see that trend wants things things as they get older.. as mum has 6 kids to think of it's just a straight no and they save there pocket money for Christmas/birthday money up for things like this.
We buy then when we can (which isn't every year) because it means the kids can use their money on other things and it takes pressure off mum too right?

Oh so you buy a block of driving lessons (that no one asked for) because you're trying to alleviate pressure on the kid's mum. But refuse to increase maintenance or buy essentials in order to do so. Oh yeah you're clearly thinking of her 

@Songbird232018 I'm not surprised the DC mum calls your DH a Disney dad. He's clearly prioritising the big splashy gifts to make himself popular and leaving her to scrape together funds for daily living costs. That's a shitty way to treat the mother of your DC. At least be honest about your motivations - don't pretend you splashed out on driving lessons to help their mother out, that's patently bollocks.

I assume as you've also refused to answer any of my previous questions that he does bugger all in terms of their daily care - so it's not just being unsupportive of homework, it's also not doing laundry, cooking, cleaning or any of the daily care isn't it?

He sees them as little as possible, doesn't support their education, doesn't support their mother with their living costs above the absolute minimum, and focuses on buying their affection with gifts.

No he does not sound like a good father.

@Veterinari

As for the big extravagant gift giving its more that surely everyone can see that trend wants things things as they get older.. as mum has 6 kids to think of it's just a straight no and they save there pocket money for Christmas/birthday money up for things like this. We buy then when we can (which isn't every year) because it means the kids can use their money on other things and it takes pressure off mum too right?

Oh so you buy a block of driving lessons (that no one asked for) because you're trying to alleviate pressure on the kid's mum. But refuse to increase maintenance or buy essentials in order to do so. Oh yeah you're clearly thinking of her 

@Songbird232018 I'm not surprised the DC mum calls your DH a Disney dad. He's clearly prioritising the big splashy gifts to make himself popular and leaving her to scrape together funds for daily living costs. That's a shitty way to treat the mother of your DC. At least be honest about your motivations - don't pretend you splashed out on driving lessons to help their mother out, that's patently bollocks.

I assume as you've also refused to answer any of my previous questions that he does bugger all in terms of their daily care - so it's not just being unsupportive of homework, it's also not doing laundry, cooking, cleaning or any of the daily care isn't it?

He sees them as little as possible, doesn't support their education, doesn't support their mother with their living costs above the absolute minimum, and focuses on buying their affection with gifts.

No he does not sound like a good father.

How do you know she's scraping together funds for daily living costs?

So your OH eldest is at least 17, surely that means the kid who isn't his is over 18! Seeing him doesn't really make him such a hero then!

Of course your OH is pathetic for reducing maintenance but then managing to find money to buy driving lessons. Their mum would have worked her budget in what she was getting so of course reducing this will affect her.

So he cried that he couldn't afford to continue to pay what was really already a minimal amount for two teens, yet went and bought a large house justifying that the kids needed each a room, kids who are close to an age of moving on to their adult life, and then too poor to continue to pay what he was but not too poor to pay for extra driving lessons.

Yep, proper Disney dad he is trying to buy their love. He needs to be prepared for this to backfire, because they will have worked out his I tentions and will use it in their favour, constantly knocking on your door for extra money, deposit for their home, a new car, a holiday, but it's with mum they will spend Xmas, who will get to bind with their kids, who they will help when poorly.

Disney dads of kids are expected to remain Disney dad for many years into adulthood.

@dontdisturbmenow

So your OH eldest is at least 17, surely that means the kid who isn't his is over 18! Seeing him doesn't really make him such a hero then!

Of course your OH is pathetic for reducing maintenance but then managing to find money to buy driving lessons. Their mum would have worked her budget in what she was getting so of course reducing this will affect her.

So he cried that he couldn't afford to continue to pay what was really already a minimal amount for two teens, yet went and bought a large house justifying that the kids needed each a room, kids who are close to an age of moving on to their adult life, and then too poor to continue to pay what he was but not too poor to pay for extra driving lessons.

Yep, proper Disney dad he is trying to buy their love. He needs to be prepared for this to backfire, because they will have worked out his I tentions and will use it in their favour, constantly knocking on your door for extra money, deposit for their home, a new car, a holiday, but it's with mum they will spend Xmas, who will get to bind with their kids, who they will help when poorly.

Disney dads of kids are expected to remain Disney dad for many years into adulthood.

You're complaining that they've bought a house big enough for the step kids? Usually you're complaining that they haven't. Can't win.

What would you suggest mum does if he loses his job entirely then? You cannot rely on maintenance. What If he died?

You're complaining that they've bought a house big enough for the step kids? Usually you're complaining that they haven't. Can't win
8 think you're confusing me for someone else. I've never made a comment about nrp home being too small. Unless of course they go on to have multiple kids when the step kids are still youngish.

In this instance it sounds like the eldest is soon to be an adult if not already, it's hard to believe the decision was made delay for their benefits. Most people, especially those who struggle a bit tend to downgrade at this stage, not upgrade.

@LyingDogsLie1

OP, I’m sorry you’re getting a bashing on here. MN freaks out at the term BM. I understand you were using it for context.

Your OH is doing just fine. BM most likely wants to be bank rolled.

Is an unnecessary term. The children have a Mum and a step-mum. Thats the distinction. No context needed.
"I have 2 SDC. Their mum..." Easy to know which is which.

OP unless your OH was living in a tent giving everything to his ex and waiting in her hand and foot in his spare time some people on here wouldn't be happy and not even then in some cases. Your OH is doing fine

I have a child and I think if he's paying £150 per month per child (up until last month) and their mother is also putting in £150 a month does it really cost £300 per child to raise and keep every month?
@Songbird232018 I can't really comment as to the right/wrong of this amount as I'm in Ireland but I would say yes it does ime.
In Ireland the district court minimum maintenance amount is €50 per week per child. This is what I receive from my exh. I work therefore I receive the minimum amount & am expected to contribute equally to the day to day running of our kids. We go halves on all extras.
This money is set in stone & does not get adjusted if I set up home with someone else or if I or exh have more children.
If exh lost his job & couldn't give me this he would have to go back to court to see if he could reduce it & if allowed he would still be ordered to pay me a portion of his unemployment benefit as determined by the judge.
I'm not a dad basher at all but I think the UK's cms calculations seem very low.

@dontdisturbmenow

You're complaining that they've bought a house big enough for the step kids? Usually you're complaining that they haven't. Can't win 8 think you're confusing me for someone else. I've never made a comment about nrp home being too small. Unless of course they go on to have multiple kids when the step kids are still youngish.

In this instance it sounds like the eldest is soon to be an adult if not already, it's hard to believe the decision was made delay for their benefits. Most people, especially those who struggle a bit tend to downgrade at this stage, not upgrade.

are they struggling a bit?