BM expectations?

[Songbird232018]

So BM or some she knows has been on MN as in a text row yesterday she called my partner a useless Disney dad... I got really defensive as in my eyes he's the furthest from it and I'm not blind to his faults by any means!

So decent dad points if you will

• pays CSA every month religiously for 2 kids granted he was paying more and its took a drop this year because he's had less work. Gone from 360 to around 300 last month
• has 3 kids (2 bio one step) EOW, twice for tea, half holidays if not more and more random nights when possible ie Inset days
• pays 1 child's phone bill mum does the other
• all 3 kids get £15 pocket money a month
• when we can we treat the kids to new trainers/Coats etc and we always get the expensive Christmas / bday gift such as PlayStation, laptop, phone etc as they are always told to ask dad and we like treating them.
• always attends parents evening/ sports days/ open days etc
• pulls the kids up on bad behaviour and has no issues being hard when needed (rare!)

• Family life here is harmonious with my and our bio son 3
• we allow sleepovers and parties as we have a bigger house and space for them

Points where I can see issues maybe

• he doesn't really get involved in or enforce homework when they are with us which I've pulled him up on

• he does refuse to half school trips now as we paid for one at £120 only to find out the child didn't go and we didn't get that money back so he has refused to out towards any others ( we always give spending money) the kids would never miss out if they really wanted to go somewhere to be honest As we would sort it if we could.

• similar issue with uniforms he was buying shoes / bags etc but nothing was ever right and she wanted cash rather than him buy the items ( she took everything back ) so he stopped this and only only pays CSA to cover uniforms this is a area he won't budge on at all now and I do agree she gets enough to cover this for 2 children.

I guess I just want others opinions as a lot of my friends have Exs who do nothing and pay nothing yet we always get the worst words from from BMs mouth!

BM is married again with 3 other children with new husband just for info

I see this awkward split of expectations from DSDs mum.
“You’re shit, you don’t see her enough” in one breath then the next thing “no you can’t see her during the week, she has gymnastics/tutor/beauty appointment (she’s 8 btw)
Then it’s “when do you want DSD at Christmas?”
Then “no you can’t have her Christmas Day -EVER” and “you can’t have her the 21st, 22nd, 23rd either... no, not the 24th... we have plans on Boxing Day then going away for a week... so when do you want her, you’re such a shit dad”
(She actually wanted us to keep all our decs up until mid January so we could “do Christmas” with DSD then )
Then “holiday club costs me a fortune blah blah blah” followed by “no you can’t have her more during the holidays, she’s MY daughter”, crowned by “I never get a break, my life is on hold while DD is growing up”.
What does the woman actually want from DH??

If anyone had bothered to ready without bitterness creeping in you would see he pays CSA actually higher than he 'technically' should because we have then a higher bracket amount again 'Technically' but we know kids are expensive so the higher amount is paid
I think most appreciated that fact, but you seemed to refuse to accept that what he pays is really not much for two older kids or three if she acts like a dad to the eldest.

So although he might be doing his best, it would be going if he/you appreciated that it must not be easy for the mum to meet all their needs financially.

@Songbird232018

If anyone had bothered to ready without bitterness creeping in you would see he pays CSA actually higher than he 'technically' should because we have then a higher bracket amount again 'Technically' but we know kids are expensive so the higher amount is paid. If he's working less this year then why would he not adjust payments as this is what's expected if he works more?

Practical stuff is bought... shoes and coats seem pretty practical to me to be honest.

50/50 can't happen as he works nights full time also

I'm not divorced and don't have to deal with co-parenting so tell me what it is I have to be bitter about 🤷‍♀️ I stand by my previous post

And yes I do think in general it costs more than £10/day to raise a child (assuming their mum funds at least as much as you do) considering utilities, food, activities, clothing, transport, childcare, pocket money etc. At the moment he's providing £5 quid per day per child it's not a huge amount but if it was all you could afford that's fair enough.

I think the bigger issue is refusing to pay for basic costs like uniform but splashing out on big gifts so he can win the parenting popularity contest.
His priorities are all crap. He's focussed on fun and popularity, not day-to-day care and education.

I'd be interested in your answers to my previous questions?

It might be better to take her to court for 50:50 access if you both can cover childcare. Would be more straight forward - I the kids’ mum is going to save a lot more than £300/mth. Then when they’re older they can decide when / if / how that arrangement should change.

Decent dad points? More like not even doing the bare minimum bio dad points. Can’t be be arsed to enforce homework? yeah leave all the boring crap to mum, she can fight with them about it.

My DH pays £300 for one child but importantly he also pays the money to have a big enough house for DSD to have her own room here which comes with higher bills so he’s paying double as he’s paying for DSD at her mums and at ours. Mums also get child benefit. We’d have more money if DSD lived with us as then we wouldn’t be paying twice and that’s not even taking into account any child maintenance

Wow. Mum’s don’t always get child benefit, or any other benefit. You talk of paying twice and yet quite clear,y would expect maintenance of the child loved with you, even though her mother would then have all the costs you have and you would have the child benefit. Talk about double standards.

50/50 can't happen as he works nights full time also

So he can work as suits him and his ex has no choice but to provide the care? You can’t see an issue with that?!

I have a child and I think if he's paying £150 per month per child (up until last month) and their mother is also putting in £150 a month does it really cost £300 per child to raise and keep every month?

Well, let’s see. Child care costs of £900 a month anyone? I am sure that’s not just me.

We also have to provide a large 3 soon to be 4 bed house for them mortgage wise etc, we also have to provide meals and all the transport for pick up and drop off constantly

If they’re the same sex, all you have to provide is a 2 bed house. And if you’re not picking about providing meals for step children I think you really need to give your head a wobble. Perhaps mum can send them with a packed lunch? That way, you k ow the maintenance is being put to go use, eh? Transport is a fact of divorce and separation. If it’s a problem, buy your essential 4 bed house a bit closer to her, perhaps?

Oh god, op. I feel for you. Here was not the place to ask. Fwiw sounds like he's doing fine. He's got no obligation to his step child either and yet he's still seeing them.

they stay EOW and some holidays but not half maybe 1/4.

You said that in mid September on your thread about bedrooms.

Now they stay more than half.

Which is it? And what else isn't accurate?

@TrustTheGeneGenie

Oh god, op. I feel for you. Here was not the place to ask. Fwiw sounds like he's doing fine. He's got no obligation to his step child either and yet he's still seeing them.

Genuinely - why not? like I said I have no vested interest in this either way but to me spending a fiver a day on raising your kids, seeing them about 8 days a month, and choosing to buy them fun gifts whilst refusing to provide school uniform, do homework or any of the other basics of parenting, isn't fine.

paying maintenance and seeing the children, contributing to school uniforms etc isn’t having “decent dad points” it’s called being a father.

One of the issues with maintenance is that A, fathers pay that and the minimum isn’t necessarily sufficient but it is based on earnings, but you will put people’s backs up by saying “he pays maintenance, because of course he should pay maintenance, it’s not something he should be admired for, it’s something which should be a given. Just because other shit parents don’t pay maintenance doesn’t make him dad of the year because he does.

How has the DC’s mum explained her belief that he’s a disney dad? I don’t actually see the above as disney parenting. In my book disney parenting is a parent who has the kids round for treats only and is never there for them the rest of the time, but the kids want to go back because he makes it exciting for them, has no rules and gives them what they want. Is this what he does?

I do think that continuing to have the stepchild even every other weekend is commendable, plenty of SM’s on a different thread said they would never see their DSC again if they split from their partners, so in that regard he is in the minority.

Genuinely - why not? like I said I have no vested interest in this either way but to me spending a fiver a day on raising your kids, seeing them about 8 days a month, and choosing to buy them fun gifts whilst refusing to provide school uniform, do homework or any of the other basics of parenting, isn't fine

Why not what?

Maintenance is a contribution based on a wage, if that's what he can afford that's what he can afford. What more would you ideally have him pay?!

Eow is standard and no it wouldn't be my ideal but there is a myriad of reasons why this might be the ideal for both parents involved. I can't judge without knowing the full scenario.

Buying them fun gifts? Fine. Why shouldn't he?

He's refused to buy uniform due to their mothers behaviour and I can see why. Maintenance is technically supposed to cover this anyway. (Again I don't entirely agree there but I can see both sides)

Op has pulled him up on homework. What other basics is he not doing?

Why is this not the place to ask? @TrustTheGeneGenie

I've already said if that's all he can afford that's all he can afford - I'm just surprised that OP also says they can afford fancy Christmas gifts gadgets and trips. That implies to me that it's not all they can afford, it that they choose not to pay the basics in order to prioritise the 'fun' gifts. In which case I can understand why their mum used the term disney dad. I think that also answers your point about the gifts - nothing wrong with buying gifts, but it clearly shows that they can afford more than basic maintenance, so which is it?

My point is that the Op is on here bitching about the kid's mum and asking for opinions on their dad's behaviour - a man that chooses to see his kids infrequently, pays the absolute minimum and who she has to instruct to contribute to contribute to uniform and do homework (cos an adult man is incapable of parenting his own children?)
Yeah he sounds brilliant 

And you've insinuated that she shouldn't be asking here - why is that ?

@Veterinari

Why is this not the place to ask? *@TrustTheGeneGenie*

I've already said if that's all he can afford that's all he can afford - I'm just surprised that OP also says they can afford fancy Christmas gifts gadgets and trips. That implies to me that it's not all they can afford, it that they choose not to pay the basics in order to prioritise the 'fun' gifts. In which case I can understand why their mum used the term disney dad. I think that also answers your point about the gifts - nothing wrong with buying gifts, but it clearly shows that they can afford more than basic maintenance, so which is it?

My point is that the Op is on here bitching about the kid's mum and asking for opinions on their dad's behaviour - a man that chooses to see his kids infrequently, pays the absolute minimum and who she has to instruct to contribute to contribute to uniform and do homework (cos an adult man is incapable of parenting his own children?)
Yeah he sounds brilliant 

And you've insinuated that she shouldn't be asking here - why is that ?

She shouldnt be asking here because the same few posters frequent this board and are just vile no matter what the question or subject. You don't tend to get balanced advice on this board.

Ah right so you think he should pay more maintenance but then not be able to afford presents? Ever considered op might contribute to presents?

How do you know he chooses to see his kids infrequently? You're forgetting her behaviour over the uniform here as well.

Very one sided your opinion.

He's refused to buy uniform due to their mothers behaviour and I can see why.

Ever thought that maybe she's asking for thins the DC actually want to wear?

Interesting that you don't want to judge his lack of contact without more info but you're happy to judge her...

@Veterinari

He's refused to buy uniform due to their mothers behaviour and I can see why.

Ever thought that maybe she's asking for thins the DC actually want to wear?

Interesting that you don't want to judge his lack of contact without more info but you're happy to judge her...

I'm not judging her, she might be right to do that but I can see why he has stopped is all I said.

She shouldnt be asking here because the same few posters frequent this board and are just vile no matter what the question or subject. You don't tend to get balanced advice on this board.

And I'm apparently also one-side yet you're the one assuming nefarious motives for the DM asking for specific uniform items?

Also as I've said I don't have a co-parenting relationship myself - my baseline is just based on how male friends/ex-partners have parented their DC. Compared to them, this guy seems a bit shit

Ah right so you think he should pay more maintenance but then not be able to afford presents?

No, and I clearly didn't say that. But if you need to twist my words to extremes to fit your narrative crack on. Doesn't make it true!

Well, she’s right isn’t she?

And she’s the mum. Not the birth mum.

@Veterinari

She shouldnt be asking here because the same few posters frequent this board and are just vile no matter what the question or subject. You don't tend to get balanced advice on this board.

And I'm apparently also one-side yet you're the one assuming nefarious motives for the DM asking for specific uniform items?

Also as I've said I don't have a co-parenting relationship myself - my baseline is just based on how male friends/ex-partners have parented their DC. Compared to them, this guy seems a bit shit

Ah right so you think he should pay more maintenance but then not be able to afford presents?

No, and I clearly didn't say that. But if you need to twist my words to extremes to fit your narrative crack on. Doesn't make it true!

Well you did. You said if he can afford presents he can afford more maintenance which isn't necessarily true.

She’s the kids mum.

Sounds like he’s not doing much more than the basics. Not even reinforcing homework is definitely a bit Disney

What happened with the school uniform issue? You said that you bought shoes and bags but that "nothing was ever right".

Did you check the school's uniform policy before you bought them?

Ours is an ordinary state comp but is quite strict about the shoes that they will allow. Even bags have to be above a certain size.

YABU and your DH is BU.

Well you did. You said if he can afford presents he can afford more maintenance which isn't necessarily true.

Depends if you think expensive Xmas gifts, PlayStation etc are more important than living costs. I don't. You clearly do

@Veterinari

Well you did. You said if he can afford presents he can afford more maintenance which isn't necessarily true.

Depends if you think expensive Xmas gifts, PlayStation etc are more important than living costs. I don't. You clearly do

No, I don't. But I think he's paying what he can afford, and they also have a mother. I think if he didn't give them any presents because he was paying more maintenance and couldn't afford it that you'd complain about that too.

Ok so you do think maintenance is more important than playstations, but you also still think he probably can't afford more maintenance because he has to buy expensive gifts...

Nothing to do with him choosing not to.

Wow that's some tangled logic you have there.

. I think if he didn't give them any presents because he was paying more maintenance and couldn't afford it that you'd complain about that too.

Ah another absurd assumption to make your point. You're clearly no fan of a middle ground!