BM expectations?

[Songbird232018]

So BM or some she knows has been on MN as in a text row yesterday she called my partner a useless Disney dad... I got really defensive as in my eyes he's the furthest from it and I'm not blind to his faults by any means!

So decent dad points if you will

• pays CSA every month religiously for 2 kids granted he was paying more and its took a drop this year because he's had less work. Gone from 360 to around 300 last month
• has 3 kids (2 bio one step) EOW, twice for tea, half holidays if not more and more random nights when possible ie Inset days
• pays 1 child's phone bill mum does the other
• all 3 kids get £15 pocket money a month
• when we can we treat the kids to new trainers/Coats etc and we always get the expensive Christmas / bday gift such as PlayStation, laptop, phone etc as they are always told to ask dad and we like treating them.
• always attends parents evening/ sports days/ open days etc
• pulls the kids up on bad behaviour and has no issues being hard when needed (rare!)

• Family life here is harmonious with my and our bio son 3
• we allow sleepovers and parties as we have a bigger house and space for them

Points where I can see issues maybe

• he doesn't really get involved in or enforce homework when they are with us which I've pulled him up on

• he does refuse to half school trips now as we paid for one at £120 only to find out the child didn't go and we didn't get that money back so he has refused to out towards any others ( we always give spending money) the kids would never miss out if they really wanted to go somewhere to be honest As we would sort it if we could.

• similar issue with uniforms he was buying shoes / bags etc but nothing was ever right and she wanted cash rather than him buy the items ( she took everything back ) so he stopped this and only only pays CSA to cover uniforms this is a area he won't budge on at all now and I do agree she gets enough to cover this for 2 children.

I guess I just want others opinions as a lot of my friends have Exs who do nothing and pay nothing yet we always get the worst words from from BMs mouth!

BM is married again with 3 other children with new husband just for info

Mum. You just need to write mum. Or DM.

Both as bad as each other. She wants to control now money is spent so he exerts control by refusing to give it.

Your opinion as to whether the CMS calaculation is ‘enough’ is really neither here nor there. It is pretty standard practise to go halves on the big stuff like uniform and school trips.

Why do you care what their mother thinks? If you both think parenting on your time is solid and he is making a financial contribution within legal limits, there is sod so else she can do. The rest is your partner’s conscience.

1 she's their mum not bm
2 csa is the bare minimum and he's not paying that if he's just unilaterally cut £60 per month
3 he should be paying 1/2 of all school trips and uniform
4 if the child was ill or unable to attend the school trip then there would be no refund
5 he spends the minimum time with them
6 doesn't do homework
7 never does daily grind stuff
8 buys big presents but nothing practical
Yes sounds like a Disney dad and whether his ex is remarried or not and has more dc is irrelevant

Oh and before you say I'm a bitter exw I'm not but am a step mum

Disney dad isn't a mumsnet thing so her using that expression doesn't mean she's been on here talking about him.

She’s the mum.

He pays bare minimum, just the child maintenance and no uniform or trips. He sees them the bare minimum but buys them big gifts. Sounds like a Disney Dad to me.

You seem to think he's father of the year because he pays what he's required to by csa, which is buttons and bothers to see them.
That's the bare minimum.

@BilboBercow

You seem to think he's father of the year because he pays what he's required to by csa, which is buttons and bothers to see them. That's the bare minimum.

And he's even reduced that.

Its ok though cos other women get less/nothing so she should just shut up and put up and be grateful for anything.

I guess I just want others opinions as a lot of my friends have Exs who do nothing and pay nothing yet we always get the worst words from from BMs mouth!

Comparison to friends' exes are meaningless. The real comparison should be with the children's mother. So she is currently:

• Paying for all except £300 of the day-to-day expenses
• Paying for all school uniform and trips
• Has the children for every other day of the year that your DP doesn't.
• Deals with day-to-day behaviour.
• Paying for the other half of the mobile bills.
• Presumably enforcing homework because your DP doesn't.

-Possibly also attending parents evenings etc?

Does he still seem wonderful in comparison?

@Songbird232018

So BM or some she knows has been on MN as in a text row yesterday she called my partner a useless Disney dad... I got really defensive as in my eyes he's the furthest from it and I'm not blind to his faults by any means!

So decent dad points if you will

• pays CSA every month religiously for 2 kids granted he was paying more and its took a drop this year because he's had less work. Gone from 360 to around 300 last month
• has 3 kids (2 bio one step) EOW, twice for tea, half holidays if not more and more random nights when possible ie Inset days
• pays 1 child's phone bill mum does the other
• all 3 kids get £15 pocket money a month
• when we can we treat the kids to new trainers/Coats etc and we always get the expensive Christmas / bday gift such as PlayStation, laptop, phone etc as they are always told to ask dad and we like treating them.
• always attends parents evening/ sports days/ open days etc
• pulls the kids up on bad behaviour and has no issues being hard when needed (rare!)

• Family life here is harmonious with my and our bio son 3
• we allow sleepovers and parties as we have a bigger house and space for them

Points where I can see issues maybe

• he doesn't really get involved in or enforce homework when they are with us which I've pulled him up on

• he does refuse to half school trips now as we paid for one at £120 only to find out the child didn't go and we didn't get that money back so he has refused to out towards any others ( we always give spending money) the kids would never miss out if they really wanted to go somewhere to be honest As we would sort it if we could.

• similar issue with uniforms he was buying shoes / bags etc but nothing was ever right and she wanted cash rather than him buy the items ( she took everything back ) so he stopped this and only only pays CSA to cover uniforms this is a area he won't budge on at all now and I do agree she gets enough to cover this for 2 children.

I guess I just want others opinions as a lot of my friends have Exs who do nothing and pay nothing yet we always get the worst words from from BMs mouth!

BM is married again with 3 other children with new husband just for info

Hi Op I can see you're getting a flaming here.

Speaking as a non resident parent to three of my four kids (all same Mom) I can see a lot of parallels. Especially money not being spent correctly and then asking for some form of proof going forward, whether buying clothes or asking for receipts being met with massive resistance.

Child maintenance bare minimum. Blah blah blah. There's usually a lot more to it. When a relationship breaks down the Mother often remains in the family home so the Dad potentially has to rehouse, input into the old family unit and shock horror look to move forward with his own life instead.

The phrase Disney Dad is particularly vindicitive. An equivalent term for Mothers would be seen as misogynistic. There is no point rising to it. Behind many Disney Dads is an Expectant Mother.....

Mum. She's their mum.

Oh OP here was not the place to ask, mumsnet is not supportive of step parents and freaks out if you use the term BM despite it being used on numerous other forums

He pays what he has to. Is he self employed though and possibly reports less than what he is really getting?

Assuming that the £300 reflects his genuine income, than this might be all he can really pay, but his and your attitude that this is plenty is very narrow-minded.

This really is peanuts and he should have some decency to acknowledge it.

He also seems to accept a SC as his, probably because he took a father figure for that child, is happy to see him regularly as the other two but legally gets away from having to pay for them.

I wouldn't say he is a Disney dad as he seems very involved and providing some discipline, but his attitude towards the ex and money is quite poor.

Oh OP here was not the place to ask, mumsnet is not supportive of step parents and freaks out if you use the term BM despite it being used on numerous other forums
I never get this outrage. Who cares when we know it is only used to differentiate with SMs. A waste of posts going on about it.

Funny how birth mum is allowed but the sad isn't referred to as bio dad

If you split up, would you be happy to have your ex treating you/the D.C. like he treats his ex and D.C.?

@Mallemo

She’s the mum.

He pays bare minimum, just the child maintenance and no uniform or trips. He sees them the bare minimum but buys them big gifts. Sounds like a Disney Dad to me.

This!

So he pays less than £40/child/week and expects this to cover food, heating, bills, uniform, childcare, uniform, toys and activities?
But he can afford big splashy day trips and Christmas gifts which give him the chance to 'buy' his kids affection/gratitude?

He has minimal contact with his DC and when he does have them he doesn't support their education?

Does he do their laundry, daily care when they're with him? Do they have all the resources and facilities they need at your house? Or does he send dirty clothes home in a bag and expect their mum to do laundry, provide toiletries and do all of the drudge work of parenting? And expect you to do the cooking/cleaning/toothbrushing/whatever?

You think that because he's better than absent he's good. You have very low expectations.

I think the fact that he has his ex step child is commendable, as he has no obligation to do so.

There's an ongoing thread about not seeing your stepchildren on you spilt up and the vast majority of women on the thread wouldn't. The kids are something they tolerate in order to be with their dad.

In reference to the school trip, I don't think refusing to contribute at all is good based on o e incident.

What he should do is have contact with the school regarding trips and pay directly, so that if the trip is cancelled, he would receive the refund directly.

To refuse to pay half for the rest of their school life is not the best idea. Although I can't imagine school trips will be an issue for the foreseeable future anyway.

I don’t think there’s anything wrong with what he’s doing; I have a real issue with people slagging off the amount dads pay for child maintenance and suggesting it is for bills. My DH pays £300 for one child but importantly he also pays the money to have a big enough house for DSD to have her own room here which comes with higher bills so he’s paying double as he’s paying for DSD at her mums and at ours. Mums also get child benefit. We’d have more money if DSD lived with us as then we wouldn’t be paying twice and that’s not even taking into account any child maintenance.
So yes he pays less than £40 a week per child but then if you assume mum pays the same that is £600 a month plus £134 for child benefit so that’s now £734 to care for two children and that doesn’t include bills and rent because dad is paying that on top of the £300 too

Funny how birth mum is allowed but the sad isn't referred to as bio dad

To be fair the OP does refer to her/their own child as bio son so it would appear she's simply using the abbreviations common on many other forums rather than having a dig at the mum.

OP my counsellor pointed out that just because someone says something it doesn't mean it's true. People may praise or criticise you but in the end only you know the truth so as long as your own conscience is at peace then other people's reactions are their problem to own.

@user1493413286

I don’t think there’s anything wrong with what he’s doing; I have a real issue with people slagging off the amount dads pay for child maintenance and suggesting it is for bills. My DH pays £300 for one child but importantly he also pays the money to have a big enough house for DSD to have her own room here which comes with higher bills so he’s paying double as he’s paying for DSD at her mums and at ours. Mums also get child benefit. We’d have more money if DSD lived with us as then we wouldn’t be paying twice and that’s not even taking into account any child maintenance. So yes he pays less than £40 a week per child but then if you assume mum pays the same that is £600 a month plus £134 for child benefit so that’s now £734 to care for two children and that doesn’t include bills and rent because dad is paying that on top of the £300 too

Surely that depends how much time the child spends at NRPs though. My children are lucky to see their Dad for 6 hours per week. He can't really claim increased costs in that case. They get toddler sized portions of lunch and dinner then come home and I feed them again.

*not saying this is always the case either. But I certainly know more families where dc spend limited time with their DFs than where the DFs genuinely have the same costs as the DMs

has 3 kids (2 bio one step) EOW, twice for tea, half holidays if not more and more random nights when possible ie Inset days

Oh and what's all this crap some posters are spouting about him seeing them the bare minimum? You can bet your bottom dollar if he had them 50/50 it'd be the usual bleating of "poor children being dragged between two homes, he just doesn't want to pay maintenance blah fucking blah". The hypocrisy on these types of threads is absolutely ridiculous.

@TheFormerPorpentinaScamander yep I’d agree you’re right; that’s why these things can be so difficult as there are some dads doing their best and some dads that are absolutely crap although in the OPs account he does have them as much as is probably possible

If anyone had bothered to ready without bitterness creeping in you would see he pays CSA actually higher than he 'technically' should because we have then a higher bracket amount again 'Technically' but we know kids are expensive so the higher amount is paid. If he's working less this year then why would he not adjust payments as this is what's expected if he works more?

Practical stuff is bought... shoes and coats seem pretty practical to me to be honest.

50/50 can't happen as he works nights full time also

@Stantons thank you I figured this out quickly!

He really does have them when he can. The reason I'm asking is because I do genuinely wonder what's expected of dads (I'm ok board with the homework cop out by the way)
He isn't self employed he's NHS but contacted so technically work never the same amount each month.

I have a child and I think if he's paying £150 per month per child (up until last month) and their mother is also putting in £150 a month does it really cost £300 per child to raise and keep every month?

We also have to provide a large 3 soon to be 4 bed house for them mortgage wise etc, we also have to provide meals and all the transport for pick up and drop off constantly.

Ok yes I know school uniforms are expensive and to be honest I think we'll speak about that and he can get one lot and she get three other as it's one else a year.

That trip the daughter wasn't ill she was never signed up to go however we were told she was but the school confirmed otherwise.

And all we get it slagged off for doing nothing yes it annoys me.