Can my Fiancés ex stop him leaving the kids with me?

[HC2020]

Hi,

My fiancés ex walked out on him and took the kids and let him know by text.

Since we have been together and recently engaged the ex has made a safeguarding accusation because I bathed the kids sd age 6, ss age 3. I only washed sd hair as I feel she is old enough to do the rest herself.

Admittedly I have seizures, mostly at night and once in a blue moon I have 1 during the day. Because of this the ex is now dating I am not allowed to be left with the children. I've only ever been left with the sc once whilst my oh went to get gf bread.

Can she do this? What are your opinions?

Thanks xx

How does she know about your seizures?!

Generally I’d say what happens when one parent has the children is nothing to do with the other parent, assuming they are being cared for and fed, etc.

How often are you alone with the children and for how long? How do you feel about caring for them? Presumably you and DP have assessed your health risk any impact on the children.

Me and my OH knew each other before we got together and he told her I was having a rough time years ago (when she was civil) with my seizures.

I've known the kids since before we got together and I adore them. If I'm feeling wonky I will take myself away from them and wait till it passes.

I've been left with them once for half an hour whilst we made daddies birthday cards.

I love them dearly and as an ex foster carer and having brought up my 20 year old nephew I can honestly say that I go out of my way to care for them; literally at their beck and call. They ask me for things instead of their dad, they call me in the night.

As it's DP time with the kids we don't make plans where he leaves the house so he makes the most of the time with them. We have assessed and brought a gadget that assess my seizures and says when and what time I have them, they're 99% at night x

I think there is a legitimate concern regarding your seizures so the simple answer is simply for your partner not to leave you alone with the children. The children are young and will not really be able to help you if something happens and may be in danger if you don’t come round reasonably quickly. It might never happen. It might.

Are you intending to have children?

You've been left once while he went to get his girlfriend some bread? And you decided to bath them in that time?

Honestly, you sound way too involved for someone who hasn't been with their dad for very long. I'd have concerns too

My fiancés ex walked out on him and took the kids and let him know by text

Notwithstanding this is irrelevant and based on his side of the story -

Sorry, the concerns are right. If you have a seizure when with the children theyll be scared and so will you, without another adult on hand. His ex is right that you shouldn't be alone with the children. As harsh as that sounds, it's the truth. For your safety as well as theirs and it's also not fair on them either.

So people with Epilepsy cant have kids? Some ridiculous replies here.

OP, sounds like you know your seizures and the risks. I also have nocturnal seizures. 9 years into being a parent and my kids have never witnessed one.

Hope you get things sorted out. Perhaps the kids' mum is just scared? Perhaps you can find some ways to reassure her.

No, he went to get gluten free bread..... they were in the living room playing with lego. How did you come up with the fact I bathed them while he was out?
@myhobbyisouting
Exactly how am I too involved? They live in my home? I'm marrying their father.

Really? So what about all the epileptic single parents out there? Like with most things it's about striking a balance.

@DeeCeeCherry so I have seizures in my sleep and it means I'm not safe to look after children? All year the ex has been fine with me being around the children in my home but it's since we got engaged.

Also this isn't his side of the story. It's MY perspective

@Enoughnowstop I lost twins at 20 weeks in June. What does that matter?

Again. I have night time seizures and if you read the thread OH left me for 30 mins so we could make his birthday cards and he was upstairs. He also left the house for 10 minutes to get gf (gluten free) bread. It's his time with them; he doesn't plan to go out

Simple answer is no she cannot stop you being with the children alone.

She can stop him seeing them which will been court but thats not always a bad thing.

I can understand her concerns but maybe your DP needs to explain your condition to her and try and have some plan in place for tge 6 yo incase it does happen?

I think you need to work out a clear plan of what to do if you feel a seizure coming on, let the ex know and train the kids. I think a 6 year old would be able to phone for help? But cover every scenario, ie the phones not working, out of charge etc.

@SylvanianFrenemies thank you. Someone that understands that epilepsy is different in each person!!

She was fine from January but when we got engaged suddenly I'm a safeguarding issue. Yet her best friend has seizures and is allowed to babysit

How did you find your seizures during pregnancy? Mine literally went away, it was bliss!! Sadly it wasn't to be.

I came on here as I thought I'd get well rounded opinions but your messages get really twisted!!

@ArnoldBee thank you for understanding 🙏

@LastRoloIsMine when OH left for 10 minutes (only time he's been out of the house and left me alone) step daughter had access to my ipad and knows how to facetime - she has access so she can call her mother too.

We have steps in place and she's seen other people have seizures but I will go out of the room if I have the slightest aura.

Thank you

No she can’t stop this happening.

I can understand her concerns about you being alone with the children if no other adult is in the house, many people don’t understand epilepsy. I’m going to suggest you get a camera installed that connects to an app so that if you’re alone with the children and do have a seizure the device will pick it up and notify your dp or other adults. Also sit down with the children and talk about what could happen and how the older child in particular could help.
In the meantime if the ex is adamant you’re not alone with the children you have to accept that.

[quote HC2020]@LastRoloIsMine when OH left for 10 minutes (only time he's been out of the house and left me alone) step daughter had access to my ipad and knows how to facetime - she has access so she can call her mother too.

We have steps in place and she's seen other people have seizures but I will go out of the room if I have the slightest aura.

Thank you[/quote]
@Diverseduvet thank you. As above, we do have stringent plans in place but we are both of the opinion that this is my OHs time with them so he never plans to go out. It was literally 1 time to get gluten free bread.

Also as the safeguarding has been made in writing I've had to refer it to social services due to links with fostering agencies. Literally cannot get my head round it.

Thank you for your opinion

@Soontobe60

Her best friend has seizures and SD has seen them.

I'm fine with it tbh as it's OHs time with the kids so plans aren't made for him to leave the house. My OH feels like we are being controlled. I do have careline which picks up seizures which calls OH everytime (it's gone off 1 time this year) and SD has 100% access to facetime all the time.

She's taken away access completely. I just wanted opinions on these situations as obviously our family will be biased where as a forum won't.

Thank you

@FelicityPike thank you for your post

@myhobbyisouting

You've been left once while he went to get his girlfriend some bread? And you decided to bath them in that time?

Honestly, you sound way too involved for someone who hasn't been with their dad for very long. I'd have concerns too

@myhobbyisouting I never said how long I'd been with their father...... your hobby should be learning to read.

Do you need medical help if you do have a seizure?

Can’t do much about the ex, but it may help to walk the kids through what to do. It always helps to have practiced these things and know what to do. Show them how to move furniture, put your head on something soft, hold your hand until it stops, or call 999, whatever your personal needs are.

I may be a bit left field here but I might be inclined to let them see you have a seizure when your oh is around, so if they are on their own it isn’t unfamiliar. Or get him to video it and himself helping if you feel reality is a bit too much.

If the kids can tell their mum they know what to do and are confident to do so it may leave her with no choice.

...... your hobby should be learning to read

I am very sorry for your loss.

I am sure there are plenty of epileptic parents out there who manage perfectly well. But my experience of epilepsy is minimal (and, unfortunately in this context, horrifying as I witnessed a poor woman fall down a flight of stairs as she went into a fit, seemingly with no warning). So explain and reassure? Why be so defensive? If it will make the problem go away, just tell her you won’t be left alone with them and if you are sure that nothing will,happen in the 30 minutes you are left with them, what’s the problem?

No she can't stop that unless via a court.

I have epilepsy too, I never shower or bath without someone else being in the house .. so personally if I was ex u wouldn't be happy with your being in the house alone during the kids bathtime (not saying you was).

You also kind of imply she has a safeguarding issue outside of epilepsy - like abuse ? (You state you only washes the kids hair ?).

Which one is the issue ?