Can my Fiancés ex stop him leaving the kids with me?

[HC2020]

Hi,

My fiancés ex walked out on him and took the kids and let him know by text.

Since we have been together and recently engaged the ex has made a safeguarding accusation because I bathed the kids sd age 6, ss age 3. I only washed sd hair as I feel she is old enough to do the rest herself.

Admittedly I have seizures, mostly at night and once in a blue moon I have 1 during the day. Because of this the ex is now dating I am not allowed to be left with the children. I've only ever been left with the sc once whilst my oh went to get gf bread.

Can she do this? What are your opinions?

Thanks xx

@1stV45

I don't know what the rights and wrongs of it are and I don't think she can insist but I can understand why she'd be worried.

What precautions/action plan do you have in place for if you did have a seizure whilst in silence charge of the children. Would the older child know what to do?

@1stV45 I have night seizures. I do have careline, SD has seen her mothers best friend have seizures but has never seen me have one.

We have a multitude of precautions and action plans in place to the point that social services were astounded to the lengths we have gone through and have declared me fit to look after children. I'm also associated with fostering agencies so would have had that affiliation taken away if I wasn't.

Yes, SD has access to facetime for mum and dad but I've only been left alone for 10 mins whilst dad brought gluten free bread. Its OH time with kids so he never plans to go out when they're here

Christ op its painful reading these replies. But on mn you will always be wrong if you are a stepmother, and you even have someone saying you arent a stepmother and are a new girlfriend! Nuts.

She needs a court order and to prove you and their dad are unfit to care for them. Which as someone with a nice sounding home with a playroom and bedrooms for them, and you as someone involved in foster care, doesnt work in her favour.

Them poor kids having a mother like that. I also dont understand what peoples issue is with step mothers doing stuff with their kids. My dp has a dd and he always tells me when i meet her i must treat her like my own. Surely thats what a step parent does when you get involved with someone with children. You sound lovely op. So sorry to hear about your twins x

Op, you sound like a genuinely decent person and I really do respect your dignity throughout this thread. The real crux of it is if you're a safeguarding risk and you're clearly not.. Deemed by the authorities. As I said, if that was presented to me.. I wouldn't have an issue with you looking after my children if I was his ex. Its quite clear his ex is vindictive and will use the children as weapons at all costs. Keep doing what you're doing in that you're presenting yourself as child focused and not point scoring x

I wonder how many of these ''but the seizures won't somebody think of the children!!'' posters would give up their kids if they had one and were diagnosed with epilepsy.
Obviously all of them would immediately hand over their children and never spend any time alone with them. Because "oh the humanity".

SIL was diagnosed in adulthood after her first seizure, she's had a daughter (by c section as it turns out plenty of mum's have epilepsy and the rest of the world is able to work around it) she had no idea that she had it until that first seizure. It's not a crime. But evidently social services would be overrun with mum's giving up their children as soon as they discover a medical problem.

You have the patience of a saint.

You also seem completely focused on offering these children stability.
I don't have any legal advice for you but I really can't see there any court would deny these children the relationship with you, because the relationship with you is clearly in their best interests.

Regardless of how much Mumsnet hates women who come into children's lives at a later date.

@lilmishap

I wonder how many of these ''but the seizures won't somebody think of the children!!'' posters would give up their kids if they had one and were diagnosed with epilepsy. Obviously all of them would immediately hand over their children and never spend any time alone with them. Because "oh the humanity".

SIL was diagnosed in adulthood after her first seizure, she's had a daughter (by c section as it turns out plenty of mum's have epilepsy and the rest of the world is able to work around it) she had no idea that she had it until that first seizure. It's not a crime. But evidently social services would be overrun with mum's giving up their children as soon as they discover a medical problem.

You have the patience of a saint.

@lilmishap I was diagnosed after my 1st seizure at 30; many people don't know that most people have 4 seizures in their lifetime, it's just whether they're awake when they have them that they know.

My nephew I brought up was 12 at the time and the foster girls remained with me after a 2 week respite to establish cause (girls aged 13, 14 and 16). 8 years I've had to get routines in place and safety measures. I'm even allowed my driving license back but won't just in case. Having health used against me as a weapon hurts and having the kids used against OH because of my health is despicable behaviour. I can understand if they weren't controlled and affected the children but they don't and if I had an inclination they would, or started to get worse, then I wouldn't have them alone even for that ten minutes.

How does your SIL manage? We want to try again but next year and when things with SC are more settled

Thank you for your opinions

@Shaniac @Pebbledashery

Thank you for your support and advice

My sympathies on the epilepsy, it’s shite having seizures. Are the nocturnal and occasional day seizures the tonic clonic variety? Do you get petit mals, Jacksonian seizures or absences during the day too?

I have the above. I detest seizures, they hurt like stink and I’m out of it for a while afterwards too. Strong Jacksonian seizures during the day can trigger a panic attack because they’re always a pre cursor to the tonic clonic ones. Thankfully it’s been many years since I’ve had a tonic clonic seizure due to meds. I get the others at times when I’m not careful but I know my triggers and what to do to calm it all down. I should say I’m also a lone parent.

Even so, I would be concerned if I heard that my exHs partner had epilepsy and was looking after my young DCs. Partly because I wouldn’t know how well you are and how well controlled your epilepsy is, and also I wouldn’t know if exH was leaving you alone to look after the DCs. It’s the protective instinct combined with lack of control.

The mum likely knows a lot more about her friends situation and is comfortable that it is in hand. You and her don’t have a relationship so she doesn’t know. Perhaps the Dad could try to reassure the mum and explain the situation? It may be that better communication between them will help clear things up. You really do sound like you’re being careful which is good.

I like some of the suggestions for instructions of what to do if you have a seizure. I explained about 999 to my DCs but the cards and wording is much better. I hope you get your situation and seizures under control soon.

I wonder how many of these ''but the seizures won't somebody think of the children!!'' posters would give up their kids if they had one and were diagnosed with epilepsy.
Obviously all of them would immediately hand over their children and never spend any time alone with them. Because "oh the humanity".

Stupid post. Of course no mother’s should or would give up THEIR child. Equally, given the choice, most would not want their small children being left in the care of someone who has fits though. Would you hire an epileptic nanny? Honestly?

Would you hire an epileptic nanny? Honestly?

Honestly, yes. Especially if that nanny was an approved foster carer, and they had a driving licence.

Obviously I’d have to understand about their particular affects and manage the risk.

But same as a diabetic nanny, if their illness was controlled and managed, if they were the best candidate then yes I would.

Obviously I’d have to understand about their particular affects and manage the risk.

Something which I’ll bet the mother in this case hasn’t been given the chance to do.

In Britain you have to have been seizure free for 10 years to have a driving licence. It would be illegal for you to drive if you have regular seizures. There is no such thing as night time epilepsy. I'm not sure you are being entirely truthful.

@Harpingon no you don't. It's a year.

If you have had more than one seizure it is 10 years. gov.co.uk she is saying she has regular seizures. My friend is the same, regular seizures, mostly at night but also during the day, she has had to relinquish her driving licence and has been told she has to have 10 years of controlled epilepsy with no seizures to be able to apply again.

@Harpingon Perhaps you should inform the DVLA that they've got the law wrong as they've given me my licence back after only one year seizure free.

And yes, there is such a thing as nocturnal epilepsy - I haven't looked recently but the DVLA used to have a separate section on it.

@Angelina82

Obviously I’d have to understand about their particular affects and manage the risk.

Something which I’ll bet the mother in this case hasn’t been given the chance to do.

@Angelina82 the mother has had access to my neurological report. Why wouldn't I want her mind put at ease?

@Harpingon

In Britain you have to have been seizure free for 10 years to have a driving licence. It would be illegal for you to drive if you have regular seizures. There is no such thing as night time epilepsy. I'm not sure you are being entirely truthful.

@Harpingon you're talking without knowledge I'm afraid. You can have nocturnal seizures and retain your driving license or be seizure free for a year and get it back

@Harpingon

www.gov.uk/epilepsy-and-driving

@harpington

There is no such thing as night time epilepsy. I'm not sure you are being entirely truthful

You ignoramus; I suggest you do your research. My mother told me if you have nothing nice to say don't say anything at all. I'm not a liar and have nothing to hide about my seizures.

@Harrington

Nocturnal seizuresareseizuresthat happen while a person is asleep. They can cause unusualnighttimebehavior, such as waking for no reason or urinating while sleeping, as well as jerking and shaking of the body

[quote HC2020]@Harrington

Nocturnal seizuresareseizuresthat happen while a person is asleep. They can cause unusualnighttimebehavior, such as waking for no reason or urinating while sleeping, as well as jerking and shaking of the body[/quote]
@Harpingon this is for you

There is a lot of nit picking at this thread...

Bathing a chilsd you have been involeved with for over 2 years.. in what world is that a probelm.. The fact you do have seizure does nned to be looked at., but sounds like you have done that.

Ultimately no ex has no say.

After reading your first reply I did think is there anything that could reassure ex.. However considering her friend who has epilepsy babysits.. I doubt it would make any difference.

Also depite you repeating they are nocturnal seizures.. 1% aren't... So long as the 6 year old knows what to do. not an issue, . the type of sizure is massive , what is needed for you will be different depending on the type of siezure. She should be sorted.. I would have more concerns about the 3 year old and how he would manage.

That said it sounds like this isn't the issue.

My last and only point unless I read this wrong. Are you bathing them on Monday morning? I would bath them Sinday night and let them sleep in a little bit longer.

I wish you luck.

Honestly I get so confused with this site! One step parent post i read it will be all 'you got with him knowing he had kids' and 'they should be treated the same as your own' the next post will be 'you are merely a step parent you should not be bathing, cooking, doing homework etc' and in this case you're not even a step parent! I am damn sure if you can qualify to be a Foster carer and raise your nephew with epilepsy then you can damn sure bathe a child with his father up and down stairs sorting things out! Sounds like you have a great system in place, and it must be so difficult to arrange never to be alone with the children, but you are managing wonderfully!

I'd be throwing fireworks if my step kids' mom didn't let them stay with me by myself because it's the father's responsibility to look after them. LOL

The judge has ruled!! Mother doesn't get to rule on what happens in our house, the kids can't be moved away and we are on the road for primary custody

So happy that my dearest OH gets his kids this weekend!! #justice

Thank you all for your help 🙏 xx