Can my Fiancés ex stop him leaving the kids with me?

[HC2020]

Hi,

My fiancés ex walked out on him and took the kids and let him know by text.

Since we have been together and recently engaged the ex has made a safeguarding accusation because I bathed the kids sd age 6, ss age 3. I only washed sd hair as I feel she is old enough to do the rest herself.

Admittedly I have seizures, mostly at night and once in a blue moon I have 1 during the day. Because of this the ex is now dating I am not allowed to be left with the children. I've only ever been left with the sc once whilst my oh went to get gf bread.

Can she do this? What are your opinions?

Thanks xx

[quote Pebbledashery]@HC2020 but you're still not a step mum. You're the father's partner. You are overstepping a bit with washing the children.. That's the father's job.. And actually he should want to do that himself during contact time.
Nobody is questioning your intentions or your ability to care for the children but personally you're coming across like a mother figure and that's not your job to do. They already have a mother.. You need to respect that she the mother needs to respect you are a part of the children's lives whether she likes it or not.[/quote]
@Pebbledashery how am I not their stepmum, just because the wedding got delayed?

SS is 3 so I wash him (mother is happy for me to change nappies so what's the difference?). SD is 6 so I only wash her hair. This is only done on a Monday morning when we are up against the clock to get them to school (OH does food as mentioned). OH bathes them every other night they are here.

I don't understand how I'm overstepping the mark by doing what OH asks me to do tbh

Thank you for your opinions

@HC2020 do you actually want to mother these children? What do they call you. Do they call you by your name or do they call you step mum? By the way, your original point.. Personally no I don't think having seizures that are carefully managed with the safeguarding plan you have are an issue.. You've been open and clear about it. I just think you need to step back a bit.. Maybe it's just me but regardless if I got on with my exes partner or not.. I wouldn't feel comfortable if they bathed my kids during their fathers contact time. Your OH might be happy for you to.. But it's your job. I'm not attacking you in any way. I'm just giving you a perspective because I'm a mother who may at some point in the future have my exes partner in my daughters life.

*it's his job

I'd be more bothered about you bathing my.young dc tbh I'd feel thats down to the parent to do personal care. My dh never bathed ds when he was little it was all me.

So now you know the real reason for her cutting contact OP.

I hope you're dh takes her to court to block this move, she has no right to take the kids from their father on what appears to be a whim.

Don't mind the step-mother bashing. This place is a joke at times.
And I am not a step-mother, I'm an ex-wife who has the OW as step-mother.

You don't need to defend the lenght of your relationship, most if not all are very serious by two years, so the previous poster who said that's short is talking through their arse.

[quote Pebbledashery]@HC2020 do you actually want to mother these children? What do they call you. Do they call you by your name or do they call you step mum? By the way, your original point.. Personally no I don't think having seizures that are carefully managed with the safeguarding plan you have are an issue.. You've been open and clear about it. I just think you need to step back a bit.. Maybe it's just me but regardless if I got on with my exes partner or not.. I wouldn't feel comfortable if they bathed my kids during their fathers contact time. Your OH might be happy for you to.. But it's your job. I'm not attacking you in any way. I'm just giving you a perspective because I'm a mother who may at some point in the future have my exes partner in my daughters life.[/quote]
@Pebbledashery no they don't call me mummy, or step mum; they have a mother and I don't want to replace her. If SC accidentally call me mummy I say "poppet I'm 'name', you'll see Mummy Monday after school".

They're young, in my life, my home and my OHs kids and I love them dearly. I'll care for them, look out for them so if that's mothering then that's your opinion. They come to me and ask me for things and if OH says to then I'll do it but all decisions of course lay with my OH. He bathes them 3 out of the 4 times everyother weekend.

Mother let SCs facetime her boyfriend of a few months from the bath (disagree with that 100% but not my place to say it IRL) and they're bathed by him at his - we found that out yesterday along with the whole next new boyfriend bombshell

I'm completely civil with their mother; she may be a t*at at times but that's life, I'll take the high road as I'm a decade older than her.

I do value your opinion and appreciate you helping try and understand where I'm crossing the line IYO.

The OP explained that the step daughter asked her to wash her hair instead of her father.
Would people read the threads ffs.

I think the issue from your original post is the seizures. I personally wouldn't have an issue with that if the children are safe and it was being managed. That's all that matters at the end of the day. You seem like you want to respect boundaries which is good.. At the end of the day, the mother should just appreciate that the children like you and get on with you and you want to care for the children.. I draw the line at the bathing thing because that's my personal opinion.. Whether you're asked to or not I personally wouldn't feel comfortable with my exes partner bathing my child or my indeed my partner bathing my child.. But from your posts all I can see is that you just have the children's best interests at heart and that's all anyone can ask.. The mother sounds a bit bitter and whatever you do she's never going to be happy so unfortunately to stop her control and games it has to go down the court route which you have initiated.

"I wouldn't be happy with my ex partners girlfriend bathing or washing my child's hair. "

Disability or not, me either, I didn't drop my kids off for someone else to care for them when I could do it myself. I dropped them off so they can spend time with their dad.

But if you are in a serious long term relationship with the father and you are about to be married, then I am being petty for making a big deal :)

@Pebbledashery @Blueberries0112 @starskey80

Thank you all for your opinions. I am taking everyone's advice on board; I have my OH and SC best interests at heart whilst under this roof but it's seeming to be a tricky line to toe tbh. I respect that they aren't my children and I brought up my nephew when my sister left him as a baby so I try to look at things from both sides. Its good to get unbiased opinions and am grateful for them.

Stay safe everyone x

You seem like a good person OP x

@starskey80

So now you know the real reason for her cutting contact OP.

I hope you're dh takes her to court to block this move, she has no right to take the kids from their father on what appears to be a whim.

Don't mind the step-mother bashing. This place is a joke at times.
And I am not a step-mother, I'm an ex-wife who has the OW as step-mother.

You don't need to defend the lenght of your relationship, most if not all are very serious by two years, so the previous poster who said that's short is talking through their arse.

@starskey80 can we block the move through a preventative steps order? We have another legal session Friday but was wondering if you knew anything about this?

As the mother of the DC, do you get along with the OW?

The first fathers day I left it purely to SCs mother and she did nothing so I rush ordered something and got a moonpig card for the kids to draw in for the next time they say him and sneaked it into their overnight bags for him to find. This year however I was pregnant with the twins so collaborated with their mother to get him a driving experience which I paid for (totally didn't care about the money) but sent her a copy of the gift certificate so the SCs could draw on it and SD could write on it. Sadly I had a placental abruption a couple of weeks before fathers day but I saw it as my children and hers would have the same father and it would be nice for him to have something from all of them and to be inclusive as we'd have a blended family; something my OH said to me from the start he wants as he feels best for kids and it means we could have joint celebrations etc....

Would you consider that as overstepping? IYO obviously..... The father's day bit

TIA

@Pebbledashery

You seem like a good person OP x

@pebbledashery Thank you, I just try my best and think if it were my children going to another person's house to see dad how would I want them to be treated and looked after.

BTW, just found out what OP stands for lol..... penny has dropped!!

Again, thank you for your perspective. I've talked with OH and we are rearranging the routine when we get them back so he does all the baths but he's asked me to go in to wash SD hair. Its below her waist and she screams when he brushes it but I use kids conditioner and comb it through while she and SS are playing in the tub. I'm going to teach him how to comb through so he can do it better. As social services have cleared me a fit to look after children we should hopefully see them soon!! 🙏

Stay safe

Please for you OP.. I think you're so caring and it's lovely you feel this way about the kids.. I think step mums can never do any right in most cases.. Personally for me if I step mum came into my daughters life I wouldn't feel threatened because I know I'm her mum and i would be grateful for someone who just wanted to care. Her mum should make the effort to get to know you x

Sorry OP but I’m with the mum here. You needlessly put her children in potential danger and she has every right to be worried, even if she did dump their father by text.

Sorry OP but I’m with the mum here. You needlessly put her children in potential danger and she has every right to be worried, even if she did dump their father by text

How did she put the children in potential danger?

Should she never be left alone with children or vulnerable adults because she has seizures at night?

Do we remove children from all epiletics, diabetics and anyone else with a similar illness?

@Angelina82

Sorry OP but I’m with the mum here. You needlessly put her children in potential danger and she has every right to be worried, even if she did dump their father by text.

@angelina82 how were they in danger IYO?

Sorry if covered
But you say he left you once

Once to get gf bread
And then in another post
once to do his card

Which was it?

I’m so confused by this thread

She walked out on them

But now they are back with her?

For those struggling to read:
OP has been with her OH nearly 2 years, they are engaged, and would have been married by now but for COVID

SD ASKED OP to wash her hair, and Dad was in the house. On other occasions the Dad does the bathing.

OP was alone for 10 minutes on one occasion (NOT when bathing the children) when OH went to get some bread.

OP - it sounds as if the ex is gearing up to move away. I expect as SD gets older, given she has known you from such a young age, there may be times she asks you for help or advice. I don't see anything wrong with that - she may feel more comfortable asking a woman for advice on aspects of self-care (not that Dad's can't provide such advice for their daughters - but there is no reason why a girl shouldn't choose another adult they know).

I have helped friends' children to have a bath at times. I have no problem with others helping DD as necessary with self-care - and have talked with DD about what might make someone 'safe' to ask for help, that she can refuse help if she is uncomfortable etc. I have encouraged her to turn to others - her older sister, godparents, teachers etc if there are things she would find difficult to ask me, and I would be happy that there are people she can turn to. Obviously I hope she could always confide in me, but the most important thing is that she has someone safe she can turn to. That doesn't mean they are taking over my role as her mother, just that the more adults who care about a child the better for the child.

And, in answer to your original question, during your OH's contact time it is up to him to decide who is around and what they do (SERIOUS safeguarding concerns aside). If he isn't putting the children at risk, and popping out for 10 minutes for bread is minimal risk, then it is nothing to do with his ex.

@Jroseforever

Sorry if covered But you say he left you once

Once to get gf bread
And then in another post
once to do his card

Which was it?

@Jroseforever he left me for ten minutes to get gluten free bread. The other time he went upstairs so I could do birthdays cards with the kids.

She walked out on him and took the kids.

@angelina82 how were they in danger IYO?
Potential danger due to the risk of you fitting. Why didn’t you let their dad bathe them, or at least wait until he was in the house with you?

@Allington

And, in answer to your original question, during your OH's contact time it is up to him to decide who is around and what they do (SERIOUS safeguarding concerns aside). If he isn't putting the children at risk, and popping out for 10 minutes for bread is minimal risk, then it is nothing to do with his ex.

@Allington thank you for your perspective. I am taking all opinions on board and discussing with OH so we can make changes where and if appropriate; is great to get suggestions and unbiased views

Yes she walked out on him and kids

But now the kids are back with her?