Can my Fiancés ex stop him leaving the kids with me?

[HC2020]

Hi,

My fiancés ex walked out on him and took the kids and let him know by text.

Since we have been together and recently engaged the ex has made a safeguarding accusation because I bathed the kids sd age 6, ss age 3. I only washed sd hair as I feel she is old enough to do the rest herself.

Admittedly I have seizures, mostly at night and once in a blue moon I have 1 during the day. Because of this the ex is now dating I am not allowed to be left with the children. I've only ever been left with the sc once whilst my oh went to get gf bread.

Can she do this? What are your opinions?

Thanks xx

[quote Angelina82]**@angelina82 how were they in danger IYO?
Potential danger due to the risk of you fitting. Why didn’t you let their dad bathe them, or at least wait until he was in the house with you?[/quote]
@Angelina82 please read the thread. Dad was in the house; I never said he wasn't. I have night seizures. I only bath them before school as SD prefers and asks me to wash her hair and we are time limited as there school is an hour away and OH does their breakfasts and lunches due to food allergies with both SC. The other 3 days they're here Dad baths them. It's just our routine, which if you had read the thread, I've said we have discussed and are going to change slightly.

How are they in danger?

@HC2020

Hi,

My fiancés ex walked out on him and took the kids and let him know by text.

Since we have been together and recently engaged the ex has made a safeguarding accusation because I bathed the kids sd age 6, ss age 3. I only washed sd hair as I feel she is old enough to do the rest herself.

Admittedly I have seizures, mostly at night and once in a blue moon I have 1 during the day. Because of this the ex is now dating I am not allowed to be left with the children. I've only ever been left with the sc once whilst my oh went to get gf bread.

Can she do this? What are your opinions?

Thanks xx

@Jroseforever My fiancés ex walked out on him and took the kids and let him know by text

I think you've missed the point pp that OP has informed SS of her seizures and they have deemed that she is not a safeguarding risk, she also have a safeguarding plan in place in the event of fit...as a parent if I was informed of that, that would be good enough for me.
We all have our opinions on the bathing situation which she's now rectifying after discussing with her partner.. in all seriousness I think she's getting a bit of a hard time regarding the seizures.. many parents have epilepsy and other conditions that bring on seizures, are you telling us they can't look after their children perfectly well? we also don't know the severity of the seizures or whether they are focal or generalized seizures... it's no different from another parent having another type of disability - as long as the children are safe and are cared for, it doesn't affect their parenting ability if it managed and controlled correctly.

@angelina82
Potential danger due to the risk of you fitting. Why didn’t you let their dad bathe them, or at least wait until he was in the house with you?

So in your opinion no one with a seizure disorder should be alone with children for any amount of time? If someone with epilepsy has children they should be taken into care unless someone is with her 24/7?

What about diabetics at risk of a hypo/hyper? Should their children be taken into care?

Don’t be ridiculous. People with these illnesses know their risks. O/p has passed assessment for foster carers which is ridiculously tough, do you really think ss would have approved someone who is any kind of potential danger?

@Angelina82 o/p wasn’t alone in the house when the kids were in the bath. Her dh was downstairs.

Her being alone was a separate incident, the kids were not in the bath at that time.

Op I am just trying to understand why she walked out on them

But they are now back with her?

No she TOOK the kids with her.

What's the issue on MN with the hair washing? If SD asked for op to wash her hair? How the hell is that overstepping a boundary?

She didn't walk out on the kids. She walked out the ex and took the kids with her.

@Angelina82 o/p wasn’t alone in the house when the kids were in the bath. Her dh was downstairs.

Her being alone was a separate incident, the kids were not in the bath at that time.

My apologies in that case then. I read the original post wrong.

Sorry I think the ex is not unreasonable to say you shouldn't be left alone with her children while they are so young. A 3 yo is too vulnerable in these circumstances. They are her children and she has the right to be protective of them. When they are older it should not be an issue.

Got it!!

@Jroseforever

Got it!!

@jroseforever

@goldenharvest

Sorry I think the ex is not unreasonable to say you shouldn't be left alone with her children while they are so young. A 3 yo is too vulnerable in these circumstances. They are her children and she has the right to be protective of them. When they are older it should not be an issue.

@goldenharvest even considering I have night seizures, we have safeguarding plans in place as discussed during thread, and it'd literally be for 10 mins whilst OH popped to the shop? Plus social services don't consider me a safeguarding concern and I'm associated with fostering agencies? We aren't talking about OH planning on going out as he cherishes his time with his children. They are also OHs children so did his judgement not count?

I'm just trying to understand your point of view; as I have everyones. It's hard to feel like my health isn't being used against me; it's only been an issue for the last few months, not the other year and a half and the children have never seen me have a seizure as they are night seizures.

Thank you for your opinion

OP, you have shown a lot of patience to the posters on this thread. Just wanted to give you a message of support.

There is different types of epilepsy the fact you are a fosterer means you are not a risk. Even if you wasnt what do feel people think happens when epileptics (or diabetics or the other 100s of health issues) have DC??? Your DPs ex cant control what happens in your house, I'm glad you have taken steps to get a court order as that should remove some of the control the ex has. Some parents are just not very nice and cannot see the damage they are causing their DC by actions like this. Good luck and hopefully having the court order will prevent the ex making accusations, but more importantly removes the control of her stopping contact (although normally it stops when you take her back to court for not meeting the order as she will know you are not messing around).

If the SD wants Op to wash her hair, surely her dad could still be in the room if he chose to be/thought it necessary?

Where does his say in what happens to his kids "on his time" occur in all of this?

How many times are women told on here that it's shit that the ex & OW (please note Op, I'm am not implying at all that that was you) are playing "happy families" together but what he does/who he sees in his time is up to him?

Yet that doesn't seem to apply here?

Sorry OP, I don't know too much details on court stuff, just that my brother's ex put him through hell with his child ( he did eventually get full custody )
Unfortunately I don't have a good relationship with the ex's partner.
She turned out to be a total odd ball who hurt my youngest. Nothing major but bad enough that I had to ask that she never be left alone with her again.
My ex, to his credit, has always respected this. So my kids have had nothing to do with her since then, and that was around two years ago.

She did try to out 'mammy' me, at one stage, which was laughable.

I'd have been delighted if my ex had met someone as caring as you are, I don't think you are over stepping at all. If I'd a child in my care and they asked me to wash their hair I wouldn't see the issue.

I think it's laughable that so many posters on this thread are not even mentioning the fact that the poor man is not seeing his kids, like that's perfectly ok.

OMG HC2020 how on earth have you kept your cool on this thread, with all the seriously 'hard of thinking 'replies from so many people lacking even the remotest ability to comprehend fairly straightforward information. !

To answer your question - no this is not something that is your fiancé's ex to call unless she is the only one with parental responsibility for the children. I am assuming he is on their birth certificates?

If so, then he is an equal parent and has the right to care for his children in a way he feels fit, when they are in his care. If that is allowing you to help wash his daughters hair - then that is his call to make and no one else's unless ordered not to by the court. He has to use his judgement .. and as he knows you and your medical condition probably better than any - then he has made that choice with facts to hand..

Your next steps should be completing the c100 and arranging mediation. She will probably refuse to attend in which case you can go straight to court. You also need a prohibitive steps order related to the intended move.

I have done both for my DH when we had similar issues with his children ex trying to dictate how we spent our time with his dc when they were with us. Judge told her not to interfere and we had the right to a family life without jarrasment during his contact time.

She also tried to move away to thwart contact. The PSO was granted on the grounds that the travel required would prohibit the father (DH) to have an effective relationship with his children. The judge offered a solution that the children could reside with DH and she could travel to see them EOW... if she really wanted to be with new BF so much. This was not acceptable, so she remained and carried on with EOW and a day in the week as before.

It cost £215 (the court fee) we didn't use a lawyer . Too expensive and self representation is the norm these days.

Go for it OP .. live your lives and be happy.

Btw didn't you know that on MN and established relationship where it's ok for kids to meet dad's girlfriend.. is roughly around the time the kids turn 25 .. 🤣...

People's reading comprehension on here is really quite startling sometimes...

I think the ex is shit stirring to justify no contact, so she can more easily move the DC away from an obviously loving father.

My exH's girlfriend regularly washes, dries and styles my DDs hair. It pisses me off that he can't be arsed to learn to do it himself (not painfully/badly anyway), but I'm very greatful she stops DD looking unkempt when with him (DD is also 6). It sounds like your safeguarding is grand.

Personally, I think it sounds like you are a loving figure in the children's life and they in yours; you're not over stepping as someone about yo marry their father. I think a prohibitive steps order can indeed be used to stop one parent moving a long distance with the children, I'd look in to getting one in place asap. Malicious safeguarding complaints sounds a decent reason to by pass mediation.

@Pascal2908

OMG HC2020 how on earth have you kept your cool on this thread, with all the seriously 'hard of thinking 'replies from so many people lacking even the remotest ability to comprehend fairly straightforward information. !

To answer your question - no this is not something that is your fiancé's ex to call unless she is the only one with parental responsibility for the children. I am assuming he is on their birth certificates?

If so, then he is an equal parent and has the right to care for his children in a way he feels fit, when they are in his care. If that is allowing you to help wash his daughters hair - then that is his call to make and no one else's unless ordered not to by the court. He has to use his judgement .. and as he knows you and your medical condition probably better than any - then he has made that choice with facts to hand..

Your next steps should be completing the c100 and arranging mediation. She will probably refuse to attend in which case you can go straight to court. You also need a prohibitive steps order related to the intended move.

I have done both for my DH when we had similar issues with his children ex trying to dictate how we spent our time with his dc when they were with us. Judge told her not to interfere and we had the right to a family life without jarrasment during his contact time.

She also tried to move away to thwart contact. The PSO was granted on the grounds that the travel required would prohibit the father (DH) to have an effective relationship with his children. The judge offered a solution that the children could reside with DH and she could travel to see them EOW... if she really wanted to be with new BF so much. This was not acceptable, so she remained and carried on with EOW and a day in the week as before.

It cost £215 (the court fee) we didn't use a lawyer . Too expensive and self representation is the norm these days.

Go for it OP .. live your lives and be happy.

Btw didn't you know that on MN and established relationship where it's ok for kids to meet dad's girlfriend.. is roughly around the time the kids turn 25 .. 🤣...

@Pascal2908 you made me chuckle! I've had plenty of practice keeping my cool since being with OH. Plus fostering 3 hard to place teen girls have me patience!

We have the signed c100 and application has been made to court; did you represent yourself? Yeah SCs are supposed to come EOW and one night during the other week. We were due to complete on a 500k house in June and it fell through, feels like a blessing now!!

Mother has called this evening so SD could speak to OH (1st time she's met him since mid September) and she wouldn't speak to him and the mother just said "well she's not like this with my new bf" which devastated OH. I keep having to say to OH, mums new bf is a shiny new toy atm, like i was at the beginning and novelty soon wares off and reality kicks in.

We need to alter our C100 as at the time we didn't know about the 5 hour move. Mum as implied they may go to bfs house for lockdown so we are trying to figure out a way to block that now SS have quashed her allegations of me being unfit to look after the children.

With a 6yo with hair to the waist that doesn't get cut or brushed properly during the week is hard enough for me to manage let alone OH and as you said it's about then being cared for. My OH had tried and tried with plaits and even had practised on me (lots) and it's like he's replacing a head gasket; so heavy handed lol. I don't blame SD for coming too me for her hair!!

Thank you for seeing things and your opinion from both sides of the fence

@Herja

People's reading comprehension on here is really quite startling sometimes...

I think the ex is shit stirring to justify no contact, so she can more easily move the DC away from an obviously loving father.

My exH's girlfriend regularly washes, dries and styles my DDs hair. It pisses me off that he can't be arsed to learn to do it himself (not painfully/badly anyway), but I'm very greatful she stops DD looking unkempt when with him (DD is also 6). It sounds like your safeguarding is grand.

Personally, I think it sounds like you are a loving figure in the children's life and they in yours; you're not over stepping as someone about yo marry their father. I think a prohibitive steps order can indeed be used to stop one parent moving a long distance with the children, I'd look in to getting one in place asap. Malicious safeguarding complaints sounds a decent reason to by pass mediation.

@Herja thank you for your opinion on the hair situation; my OH does practise on me and he's very heavy handed and plaits look like dreadlocks lol. When I first watched him do her hair he used a hoover attachment.... (a separate hoover brought just for hair).... I had to walk away before I spat out my tea.....

Oh she's definitely being malicious; social services have cleared me of any wrong doing so we SHOULD have them on 13th if she doesn't take them to new bf for lockdown...... then god knows when they'll be here.

OH it's taking about keeping the kids till court is sorted but I've pointed out that that's a major change to the kids and includes changing schools etc. Atm they and mum live with her parents all in one room and her parents aren't in good health so it's very messy and complicated. They have their own room here and a massive playroom so I can see where he's coming from but the impact on SC will be massive. He's angry and upset and get that but OH need to do things the right way. BTW the mediator gave us a signed C100 without talking to mum

Sorry, rant over. Thinking out loud......

If living with mom truly is in bad shape , I hope he does take action

I don't know what the rights and wrongs of it are and I don't think she can insist but I can understand why she'd be worried.

What precautions/action plan do you have in place for if you did have a seizure whilst in silence charge of the children. Would the older child know what to do?

I (your ex) would apply for an urgent ex parte hearing (where the judge hears your complaint urgently without the need for notifying the ex ) - if she is thinking about going to his for lockdown ... that needs to be stopped. He hasn't seen them since September and plans a month away - no way !! For a three year old that's a life time...

Children of separated parents are exempt from the lockdown rules ... he needs to get a fight on. Stop assuming he is the 'lesser parent' and fight for his children's RIGHT to a relationship with him..

@pascal2908 thank you for that info; I'll get OH in that straight away. We have a call with lawyers Friday. Yeah 7 weeks since we've seen them which is so hard watching OH hurting hence why I've reached out on here and we are getting legal advice x

@Blueberries0112

If living with mom truly is in bad shape , I hope he does take action

@Blueberries0112 it's not the best especially with new bf situation. It's a case of putting the children first and doing what's best for them at this point despite how we feel about her living situation. It's keeping the children safe and providing stability that is our priority