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Original poster

Can my Fiancés ex stop him leaving the kids with me?

171 replies

HC2020 · 01/11/2020 14:05

Hi,

My fiancés ex walked out on him and took the kids and let him know by text.

Since we have been together and recently engaged the ex has made a safeguarding accusation because I bathed the kids sd age 6, ss age 3. I only washed sd hair as I feel she is old enough to do the rest herself.

Admittedly I have seizures, mostly at night and once in a blue moon I have 1 during the day. Because of this the ex is now dating I am not allowed to be left with the children. I've only ever been left with the sc once whilst my oh went to get gf bread.

Can she do this? What are your opinions?

Thanks xx

OP posts:
Original poster
HC2020 · 01/11/2020 18:09

@Enoughnowstop I didn't realise I was being defensive. I apologise. Thank you for your condolences.

The video idea is a good idea tbh; I'll suggest that to OH. I don't need medical intervention after the rare daytime seizure. I'm sorry that your experience of seizures was so extreme Sad. I hope the person was okay.

If we did that and was left alone SD gets questioned so intrinsically about what happens when she's with us she'd remove contact again immediately. SD has asked me before if she should keep secrets and if they were bad; I told her that secrets about surprise presents are okay but if other than that she should never keep secrets from mummy or daddy so they can protect her as it's their job. Thank you for your opinion

OP posts:
cabbageking · 01/11/2020 18:10

I would worry if you had a seizure whilst bathing a child, cooking a meal, taking a walk, doing anything that left my child at risk. She needs to go via the court.

Original poster
HC2020 · 01/11/2020 18:17

@Woui

No she can't stop that unless via a court.

I have epilepsy too, I never shower or bath without someone else being in the house .. so personally if I was ex u wouldn't be happy with your being in the house alone during the kids bathtime (not saying you was).

You also kind of imply she has a safeguarding issue outside of epilepsy - like abuse ? (You state you only washes the kids hair ?).

Which one is the issue ?

@Woui

They are both emailed to OH as safeguarding. As mine are night seizures I can shower and go about my day as normal.

I only washed SD hair (she says I don't hurt like when daddy does it) but she washes her own body and SS is 3 so I wash him but OH it's up and down the stairs getting things ready as they live an hour away so we start our Monday at 0630 to get to school for 0900. OH baths them when SD hair doesn't need washing. Her actual words were "HC demanded stepdaughter alone to bath her and the OH out of the bathroom" That never happened. Plus if you thought someone did that to your daughter you're going to report it to social services surely? No, she didn't. I reported it as an accusation against myself to cover my own backside.

OP posts:
Daydrambeliever · 01/11/2020 18:18

No she has absolutely no say in who your partner leaves his children with when they are his responsibility.

She is welcome to attempt to do this through the courts but she and your partner may be required to attend a Miam first. If she has stopped all contact your partner should seek legal advice as soon as possible.

ArnoldBee · 01/11/2020 18:20

You can't tell her that you'll never be left alone with the kids as its just not realistic. Its about educating everyone on what steps need to be taken and mitigating any risks.

Daydrambeliever · 01/11/2020 18:20

Courts also tend not to take to much heed in he said/she said stuff where other organisations have not been involved. As a parent if I had serious concerns about someone abusing my child I would have called the police.

Original poster
HC2020 · 01/11/2020 18:21

@cabbageking

I would worry if you had a seizure whilst bathing a child, cooking a meal, taking a walk, doing anything that left my child at risk. She needs to go via the court.
@cabbageking but I have night seizures. Plus her friend has day seizures and babysits.

Me and OH use our own judgment. Isn't that important? His ex doesn't know or understand epilepsy and won't even look into it. Not everyone has the same seizures in the same way

OP posts:
Original poster
HC2020 · 01/11/2020 18:23

@Daydrambeliever

Courts also tend not to take to much heed in he said/she said stuff where other organisations have not been involved. As a parent if I had serious concerns about someone abusing my child I would have called the police.
@Daydrambeliever I totally agree!! She didn't though. I reported the accusation to social services as she just revoked contact and didn't report it at all.
OP posts:
elephantontheroofeatingcake · 01/11/2020 18:37

If she has stopped all contact then your partner needs to put an emergency application into the family courts and get some legal advice. Your explanation is a bit difficult to follow. She can't dictate what the kids dad does on his terms. It sounds as though leaving you alone with the kids for a short period is a complete non issue. Also you bathing the kids is not an issue by itself. She might not like it but it's not up to her what happens.

SylvanianFrenemies · 01/11/2020 18:57

@HC2020 I'm so sorry for your loss.

My seizures flared up a bit in my first pregnancy, but settled after medication was adjusted. They seem to be controlled now 🤞

I'm not surprised if you are a wee bit defensive... Too many people have strong opinions without a strong knowledge base to work from.

Original poster
HC2020 · 01/11/2020 19:10

@elephantontheroofeatingcake

If she has stopped all contact then your partner needs to put an emergency application into the family courts and get some legal advice. Your explanation is a bit difficult to follow. She can't dictate what the kids dad does on his terms. It sounds as though leaving you alone with the kids for a short period is a complete non issue. Also you bathing the kids is not an issue by itself. She might not like it but it's not up to her what happens.
@elephantontheroofeatingcake sorry this is my first time on here so trying to explain best I can. Thank you for your opinion; I'm trying to thank everyone for their response good or bad
OP posts:
Original poster
HC2020 · 01/11/2020 19:13

@SylvanianFrenemies I'm really happy for you. Touch wood they start that way x

OP posts:
longcoffee · 01/11/2020 19:16

I have epilepsy, mainly nocturnal but occasional awake, and I don't get any warning - I understand how scary it can be to watch. I have no idea it's happening, so am not much use to anyone around me! It's tricky managing it with young children.

When my DH and I got together, DSDs were 3 and 7. Eldest was very sensible, but that's a very young age to understand the complexities of a seizure.

We did a book, photo box I think, explaining what she should do if I was ever to have one with them. Ex-w approved it before we made it, and DH went through it with her and the girls on drop off, so she knew what it contained. Scenarios included if I had a fit in bed and DH had to call an ambulance (try to stay calm and let daddy help me), if I was awake and we were in the house as a group or alone, if we were out etc.

Included numbers of DH, my mum, local best friend, obviously 999 - and a 'script' she could read if she ever had to.

Touch wood, she's never needed it and she's 15 now, but we still have it, and the (now) 9yo has gone through it too.

Huge condolences for your loss of your twins. I lost my daughter at 21wks in September. It's horrendous. Look after yourself x

myhobbyisouting · 02/11/2020 00:44

"I never said how long I'd been with their father...... your hobby should be learning to read."

You've quoted me twice hours apart. But you didn't need to say how long you've been with him after you gave the ages of the children. I can read AND comprehend Wink

The youngest is just 3 so you haven't been together very long, especially where children are involved.

HC2020 · 02/11/2020 06:27

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Lobsterquadrille2 · 02/11/2020 07:24

She seems to have latched on to your epilepsy as a "convenient" obstacle even though her experience of it with her friend should have educated her more. It's patience (on your part) that's required. Her resentment may fade in time if you accept that for the time being, you agree to not being alone with the children - it sounds as if the occasions you have been are very rare. In time she may accept that you are there to stay .... and I'm so sorry for your loss.

Original poster
HC2020 · 02/11/2020 08:18

@Lobsterquadrille2

She seems to have latched on to your epilepsy as a "convenient" obstacle even though her experience of it with her friend should have educated her more. It's patience (on your part) that's required. Her resentment may fade in time if you accept that for the time being, you agree to not being alone with the children - it sounds as if the occasions you have been are very rare. In time she may accept that you are there to stay .... and I'm so sorry for your loss.
@Lobsterquadrille2 I'm happy to abide by it but my OH sees it as controlling; she already moved them an hour away from him and we bend to her every will to see the kids but she seems to want total control. As I've mentioned, we never plan for OH to be out of the house, it's happened once.

I've told my OH to stop being stubborn and agree to it for the sake of the kids.

Thank you for your opinion x

OP posts:
YouJustDoYou · 02/11/2020 08:22

Well, she's right - it is a safety issue - If two young children are left in water whilst the only guardian in the house is having a seizure, that's a safe guarding issue. That's nothing to do with your personality, or you - as a nursery worker, we would not be permitted to leave children with a carer who suffered seizures.

bluebluezoo · 02/11/2020 08:32

Well, she's right - it is a safety issue - If two young children are left in water whilst the only guardian in the house is having a seizure, that's a safe guarding issue

O/p doesn’t bath them when her dp isn’t there? That was mentioned as a separate issue that the ex thinks is inappropriate.

There are plenty of single parents with epilepsy out there. If o/p had a child and then split with or something happened to her partner and she was left as a lone parent, would the child be removed? I very much doubt it.

canigooutyet · 02/11/2020 08:34

If she blocks contact, then he goes through mediation/court to reestablish contact.

She can also do the same and go to court and get restrictions put in place if the court agrees.

nomdeplume2019 · 02/11/2020 08:39

What happens to anyone who parents that has seizures? surely they can't all be "banned"
I would not bath a child solo in case with someone else around but I would be explaining to the children that you have seizures and what to do and happens so it is not scary and apart of your life.
Many parents have health issues.
What happens in your time with the children as told by a lawyer is your business not her's but maybe worth finding out for sure.
Is it that your a threat or a genuine concern!
Ignore any responses to your over involved or shouldn't be doing...pathetic we have basic human rights

bluebluezoo · 02/11/2020 08:56

What happens to anyone who parents that has seizures? surely they can't all be "banned"

What about a diabetic single parent that has a hypo?
A deaf parent who can’t hear their kid’s cries?
Someone who faints?
Someone who is at risk or anaphalaxis?

There’d be a lot more children in care.

In fact anyone of us could suddenly drop while alone with our kids. It’s probably safer if you have a known issue like seizures as you can plan for it and teach your kids what to do.

Original poster
HC2020 · 02/11/2020 09:38

@YouJustDoYou

Well, she's right - it is a safety issue - If two young children are left in water whilst the only guardian in the house is having a seizure, that's a safe guarding issue. That's nothing to do with your personality, or you - as a nursery worker, we would not be permitted to leave children with a carer who suffered seizures.
@YouJustDoYou My OH was in the house and I have night time seizures. I've had 1 day seizure this year. I'm well aware of safeguarding as I've been a Foster carer. My question was can I be left alone for 10 mins if my partner needs to go to a local shop. I'm not going to be left all day with them as it's OH time with the kids so in my opinion your comment about looking after a nursery school room of children. But as you raised it, I am permitted to be a teaching assistance as an epileptic and they're occasionally left alone with 25 children.

Also, her best friend has seizures and babysits so what's the difference?

Thanks for your opinion

OP posts:
starskey80 · 02/11/2020 10:41

For FFS, how many times does the OP have to explain her seizures are nightime only !!!!

You sound lovely OP, and no, of course she can't just stop him from seeing his kids.
Has he contacted the court, or a solicitor ?

Sorry for your loss xx

DeeCeeCherry · 02/11/2020 11:15

I hope the child's father is putting in as much effort as his new-ish girlfriend to get this resolved.

It's best to see what the Court says, he can pursue that. All information will be taken into account, people here can only speculate.