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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Can my Fiancés ex stop him leaving the kids with me?

171 replies

HC2020 · 01/11/2020 14:05

Hi,

My fiancés ex walked out on him and took the kids and let him know by text.

Since we have been together and recently engaged the ex has made a safeguarding accusation because I bathed the kids sd age 6, ss age 3. I only washed sd hair as I feel she is old enough to do the rest herself.

Admittedly I have seizures, mostly at night and once in a blue moon I have 1 during the day. Because of this the ex is now dating I am not allowed to be left with the children. I've only ever been left with the sc once whilst my oh went to get gf bread.

Can she do this? What are your opinions?

Thanks xx

OP posts:
Pebbledashery · 10/11/2020 21:33

I'm pleased for you OP x
Is there no way you can have 50/50 with her.. She's still their mother.

Chickenwing · 10/11/2020 21:43

Not relevant at all to your problem but why did you feel the need to specify the bread was gluten free?

Original poster
HC2020 · 10/11/2020 22:31

@Chickenwing I specified gluten free as someone read my previous abbreviation gf as girlfriend. I said OH left to get gf bread purely as we normally have regular bread but SD told us she was now gluten free and we weren't told in advance.

@Pebbledashery because mum plans to move hours away and we believe it's in best interests of children to have them settled in schools where we are instead of moving them in a few months plus time. We can't have joint as they live an hour away. We, along with health visitors and social services, are doing whats best for the children. Not for Mum, not for Dad; the children. They know our house and the area, they have their own rooms and a play room we want them to have stability and the best start in life which at 3 and 6 will not be too much of a disruption right now than if mum takes them and we fight to get them back using the court order which would mean 2 school changes, two house moves and a lot of unnecessary stress x

OP posts:
Original poster
HC2020 · 10/11/2020 22:35

@Pebbledashery we wouldn't ever stop mum seeing the kids and would even invite her here to stay for a week if she wanted when things become more civilised on her part. Children need both parents and deserve both parents. If we could do joint custody we would but it just cannot work, we've looked into it Sad

OP posts:
Pebbledashery · 10/11/2020 22:36

@HC2020 you know you are genuinely lovely person. Just by the way you post and his dignified you've been in this thread.. I can tell that you really care about these children and I can only go by what you post.. But are you sure removing them from their mother is in their best interests and not damaging to their welfare? Has anyone asked them what they want? .. I could be wrong here.. She sounds toxic towards you but I don't know what she's like with her children. Also, I don't mean this in an offensive way.. But this is your partners fight. Not yours. You can only support him x

Pebbledashery · 10/11/2020 22:39

@HC2020 I'm only going by my experience of the Courts system.. But you're going to have a hard time convincing a judge to remove children from the primary care of a mother.. Unless she poses real safeguarding risks.. A judge would almost never transfer care unless there huge safeguarding risks. Its too disruptive to the children. The mother has been a constant in their lives.. Irrespective of your feelings towards each other.

Original poster
HC2020 · 10/11/2020 22:48

@Pebbledashery I rise above her feelings for me tbh, she doesn't have to like me, that's her right.

Removing them from mum wasn't first on our list, OH just wanted access back without interference. Mum then said that even though a prohibited steps order was in place, preventing her from moving the kids 8 hour round trip away which would also take away 5 nights a month from OH time with them, that she would still move and probably take them with her.

With that in mind. Scenario A. Mum moves kids to be with new partner against court order. It means the kids have to move schools, move house, completely uproot from family including Daddy. We then have to involve police to get them back and it's another school change, another move and emotional toll.

Scenario B. We just move them now to somewhere they know, feel safe and happy and Mum can have access EOW.

It's her choice now that she's choosing her new bf (of 3 months ish) over the court ruling. We have to look out for the children.

My OH is the one arranging everything, I am in full support of him and will say if I think he's being unfair on Mum. I am just telling my side of the situation x

OP posts:
Pebbledashery · 10/11/2020 22:55

@HC2020 I wish you luck OP.. But in my experience I don't think a judge will remove children from the primary care of their mother and transfer to their father as I mentioned unless there are safeguarding risks and its severely detrimental to their welfare. Children move houses and schools all the time.. I'm not sure the court will see your logic. I'm not trying to be cynical but take it from someone who is going through the Court process now with an extremely violent ex who abused our daughter horrifically and nearly broke my nose.. I'm still told to expect him to get contact.. I wouldn't expect the family court system to go your way. They will promote contact with both parents in a way that doesn't detriment the children. You and your OH cannot alienate her as a mother and she cannot be intractable towards you and OH regarding contact.. Families who live an hour apart still manage 50/50.. You'd just have to make it work.

Original poster
HC2020 · 10/11/2020 23:08

@Pebbledashery mum is talking about breaking the court order (in writing) which bans her from moving the children 4 hours away. If she wants to move, she can, but she is court ordered not to take the children. Had mum not sent that message immediately after the outcome OH wouldn't be going for primary care. We don't want to have the children brought back with police involvement in any way shape or form. OH is taking from legal advisors in this field based on child welfare. DSD when evaluated told the assessor that "mummy says we'll have a new Daddy soon". My OH believes she'll up and run away with no notice sadly.

Shit, I'm so sorry to hear about your situation. Surely he should only have supervised access?

Mums new bf has a daughter whose mother has supervised visits but has turned up to the house drugged up causing a scene. Rightly OH has concerns about that regarding safeguarding.

We will go with the courts decision 100% x

OP posts:
Original poster
HC2020 · 10/11/2020 23:15

I was fostered as a child, passed from pillar to post then finally I was very lucky to be adopted into an extremely loving family. That's why I fostered children and am still affiliated.

My circumstances were obviously very different but being a suitcase kid isn't fun and I don't wish that on any child. Every child deserves love from both parents (where safe) and I firmly believe two loving homes working together is better than two households at war (i know everyones situation is different). I think because I worked on a child protection panel i learned to be unbiased and always have the child's best interests at heart. That's the only way I've ever looked at this predicament in our lives. I sincerely appreciate everyones comments and suggestions and have shared them all with OH.

With Love, H xx

OP posts:
Pebbledashery · 10/11/2020 23:17

Can you not just suggest you, your partner and her just sit down as reasonable adults and talk about what is best for the kids.. Is she really that bad.

VanGoghsDog · 11/11/2020 00:00

@Pebbledashery

Can you not just suggest you, your partner and her just sit down as reasonable adults and talk about what is best for the kids.. Is she really that bad.
Did you even read the OP's posts??
Original poster
HC2020 · 11/11/2020 03:35

@Pebbledashery unfortunately 2 mediators judged that it couldn't be sat down and worked out which is why it went to court in the first place. I'll suggest the mediation route again, thats a good idea but mum doesn't do talking. Which is why everything is in writing sadly

OP posts:
Original poster
HC2020 · 11/11/2020 03:40

Hi @VanGoghsDog

@Pebbledashery has been assisting throughout since I first wrote the post making suggestions which have been helpful, as have others. I think PD was referring to the matter of the primary care after the court order today. Sorry if that's what you're referring to x

OP posts:
Pebbledashery · 11/11/2020 08:19

@VanGoghsDog and do you read updates?
@HC2020 she sounds difficult OP.. I'm sure whatever happens will be the best for the children. I wish she all the best xx

Original poster
HC2020 · 11/11/2020 08:53

@pebbledashery

It's a difficult situation, yes. Thank you. I wish you all the best also. DM me anytime if you wish to let off steam xx

OP posts:
VanGoghsDog · 11/11/2020 23:38

[quote Pebbledashery]@VanGoghsDog and do you read updates?
@HC2020 she sounds difficult OP.. I'm sure whatever happens will be the best for the children. I wish she all the best xx[/quote]
Yes, I've read the whole thread.

The OP was very clear about why they felt the needed to add the claim for resident parent, due to the ex stating she would disobey any PSO.

CircleofWillis · 12/11/2020 07:42

HC2020, in 9 days your situation has gone from worrying about your fiancé's ex-wife preventing you from being left alone with the children to applying for full custody. I really think you need to slow down.

Your OH is obviously communicating informally with his ex-wife as you know she is planning on moving, has a new boyfriend of 3 months, has been back and forth to boyfriend's house and that he has a medical condition and full custody of his daughter. (Although I know lots of six year olds and three year olds and have no idea how they kept all this quiet for so long!).

I would definitely suggest to your OH that he have a proper discussion with his ex, letting her know that he will consider seeking for full custody if she is planning on making a move.

Doesn't your experience as a foster child yourself make you even more reluctant to separate a child from their adequate primary carer without extensive mediation and solution focused intervention?

VanGoghsDog · 12/11/2020 11:21

(Although I know lots of six year olds and three year olds and have no idea how they kept all this quiet for so long!).

They haven't seen the kids for seven weeks and there have been times when the children have refused to face time their dad.

Jroseforever · 12/11/2020 11:35

HC2020, in 9 days your situation has gone from worrying about your fiancé's ex-wife preventing you from being left alone with the children to applying for full custody. I really think you need to slow down.

It’s the world of mumsnet

CircleofWillis · 12/11/2020 19:16

@VanGoghsDog

(Although I know lots of six year olds and three year olds and have no idea how they kept all this quiet for so long!).

They haven't seen the kids for seven weeks and there have been times when the children have refused to face time their dad.

Ahh I see! That would explain it.
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