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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Can my Fiancés ex stop him leaving the kids with me?

171 replies

HC2020 · 01/11/2020 14:05

Hi,

My fiancés ex walked out on him and took the kids and let him know by text.

Since we have been together and recently engaged the ex has made a safeguarding accusation because I bathed the kids sd age 6, ss age 3. I only washed sd hair as I feel she is old enough to do the rest herself.

Admittedly I have seizures, mostly at night and once in a blue moon I have 1 during the day. Because of this the ex is now dating I am not allowed to be left with the children. I've only ever been left with the sc once whilst my oh went to get gf bread.

Can she do this? What are your opinions?

Thanks xx

OP posts:
Original poster
HC2020 · 02/11/2020 11:52

@DeeCeeCherry

I hope the child's father is putting in as much effort as his new-ish girlfriend to get this resolved.

It's best to see what the Court says, he can pursue that. All information will be taken into account, people here can only speculate.

@DeeCeeCherry I'm not a new ish girlfriend; I'm his fiancé and we've been together almost two years. We got together six months after she left.

We have a signed c100 and an application has been made to court. He's devastated, as am I. He's also on forums getting advice, speaking to solicitors and getting ducks in a row. I came on here purely for opinions. Thank you for your advice x

OP posts:
Original poster
HC2020 · 02/11/2020 11:58

@starskey80

For FFS, how many times does the OP have to explain her seizures are nightime only !!!!

You sound lovely OP, and no, of course she can't just stop him from seeing his kids.
Has he contacted the court, or a solicitor ?

Sorry for your loss xx

@starskey80 yes we have a signed c100 from a mediator as the allegations made against me are serious. I have reported the allegations to social services as the mother didn't; as someone associated with a fostering agency I know that this needs to be resolved. I hate that my SD will be questioned but I know how well they do it. If it was my child and I had safeguarding issues I would have done that straight away.

Thank you for your opinion x

OP posts:
starskey80 · 02/11/2020 12:12

Sounds like you have both done the right thing OP.

I hope it gets resolved quickly for you all and he gets to see his kids again.
Very cruel to cut him off like this.

myhobbyisouting · 02/11/2020 13:24

"you're just a troll with nothing better to do than make up a fictitious story in your head"

No, you have gone on to say that you have been with him less that 2 years. That makes you a "new-ish girlfriend" as you put it.

2 years is nothing. I'm not a troll. I stated my opinion that you haven't been together very long and you went on the attack. Then confirmed that you haven't been together very long Confused

unmarkedbythat · 02/11/2020 13:44

myhobbyisouting can you not just accept that you misread the op and leave this now?

AmICrazyorWhat2 · 02/11/2020 13:56

I do have careline which picks up seizures which calls OH everytime (it's gone off 1 time this year) and SD has 100% access to facetime all the time.

^^ It sounds as if you and your OH have several measures in place to safeguard the children in the event of a seizure. While I do understand his ex's concern, you're doing everything you can to ensure the children are safe. Cutting off your OH's access to the children is cruel and it's not in the children's best interests. I hope it all works out, OP. Flowers.

myhobbyisouting · 02/11/2020 14:03

@unmarkedbythat sorry, but no.

Telling someone they are warped, a troll and someone who has nothing better to do simply because they said, rightly, that they'd be concerned especially as the op hasn't been with her boyfriend very long isn't something I will leave unchallenged.

Too many children are pulled from pillar to post because their parents insist on rushing into new relationships at high speed and introducing and involving those children way too soon.

The OP of course does not have to agree with me on that. She clearly thinks that nearly 2 years is a long time whereas I disagree. It's no time at all where children are involved in my opinion.

That's fine, but it doesn't make me a warped troll with nothing better to do.

starskey80 · 02/11/2020 14:06

2 years is what I'd consider an established relationship.

I swear, this place is fucking ridiculous sometimes.

HC2020 · 02/11/2020 14:11

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Original poster
HC2020 · 02/11/2020 14:13

next year as in 2nd january @myhobbyisouting

OP posts:
Original poster
HC2020 · 02/11/2020 14:16

@starskey80

2 years is what I'd consider an established relationship.

I swear, this place is fucking ridiculous sometimes.

We waited till the mother said I could be introduced and did it on her terms and even after I moved in I spent the next 6 months after I met them staying at a friend's every other weekend and just seeing them during the day. Did everything by the book and then when OH proposed she did a 180 and make allegations and suddenly my seizures were a problem.
OP posts:
myhobbyisouting · 02/11/2020 14:29

"YOU stated he went to get bread for his gf and I chose that time to bath the children, YOU made that up. Now look up fictitious in the dictionary cockwomble"

No, I asked. I didn't state. I asked as gf is girlfriend usually on this site. That said, it's completely irrelevant to my point.

There is no need to be abusive, and no need to shout.

I'm not the only one on here to have said I'd be concerned but I am the only one you've abused. Must be the new relationship thing that hit a nerve but I stand by it.

Kids need stability and rushing into relationships isn't fair on them in my opinion (which you are able to disagree with without resorting to name calling)

Harpingon · 02/11/2020 14:40

You know, as someone with epilepsy, that you should not be bathing the children alone. Even if your boyfriend is downstairs. It takes seconds for a child to drown (especially the 3yr old) and if you've got experience of safeguarding as you say you have then you will be very aware of this.

Pinkyxx · 02/11/2020 14:56

She can't dictate who your DP leaves the children with during his contact time. That said, I would be worried myself regards the seizures so I don't think it's an unreasonable concern. I may be biased as I have collapsed myself in front of my daughter (out of the blue, no warning and I don't have seizures). Whilst she didn't blink an eye lid when it happened when she was younger, at it happened at age 9 and she thought I was dead. The experience impacted her profoundly and I wouldn't have expected it to.

Separately, it sounds like there is a lot of conflict. Regardless of how the ex might of behaved / what she's done, I wonder if it could help to try and find a middle ground that everyone is ok with? Seems better for the children's sake particularly as they are very young for there to be conflict. You've got a long road ahead...

FelicityPike · 02/11/2020 15:15

@Harpingon

You know, as someone with epilepsy, that you should not be bathing the children alone. Even if your boyfriend is downstairs. It takes seconds for a child to drown (especially the 3yr old) and if you've got experience of safeguarding as you say you have then you will be very aware of this.
So, how do single parents who have epilepsy manage then?
Blueberries0112 · 02/11/2020 15:33

She is the mother. There is nothing you can do about it. I know it hurts and seem unfair. There have been people who don't want me watching their kids because I can't hear the phone.

Buzlightyear1 · 02/11/2020 15:34

Can I just say the people who are saying some who are saying you can’t bath a child alone if you have epilepsy. I’m a single parent with epilepsy the dad is a useless ass. How do you think I bath my child ? Honestly what do you think people do ? I have a safety net with emergency alarms and neighbours next door who would help. At the end of the day my child and myself need to have a life. I think some people really need to think about what they have said and how would that work ?

Blueberries0112 · 02/11/2020 15:38

Yes, people with all sort of disability have children of their own and manage well, they have a system that works for them. People without disability don't under that sometimes.

My MIL had a bad case of migraine that made her blacked out while driving. She had to scream to her little son to take over the steering wheel , since then, she have been very careful about driving.

Harpingon · 02/11/2020 15:47

The epilepsy association suggest you have someone with you or top and tail until you can have someone with you. However, she is not a single parent. The children have two parents and one of them was available to bath the children.

Bla484726828 · 02/11/2020 15:48

I would be really concerned for my DC in this situation too.

I also think the nasty comments you’ve made when another poster questioned/ disagreed with you are completely unreasonable.

LadyPenelope68 · 02/11/2020 15:54

As the children’s parent, yes, she can say you can’t be left alone with them.

Pebbledashery · 02/11/2020 15:55

Op, you sound really lovely and caring and I don't think you should be victimised for having seizures that are controlled and you have sufficient measures in place to safeguard yourself and the children.... But... From a mother's perspective. I wouldn't be happy with my ex partners girlfriend bathing or washing my child's hair. That's her dad's job. I don't mean this in a derogatory way but you aren't a step mum, step parents get such a bad rep on mumsnet and the term is often misused. You're the fathers girlfriend. I hope you and the father get what you want out of court because you seem like a decent person but I think you need to respect boundaries and know you aren't this child's mother.

Original poster
HC2020 · 03/11/2020 13:34

@myhobbyisouting

"YOU stated he went to get bread for his gf and I chose that time to bath the children, YOU made that up. Now look up fictitious in the dictionary cockwomble"

No, I asked. I didn't state. I asked as gf is girlfriend usually on this site. That said, it's completely irrelevant to my point.

There is no need to be abusive, and no need to shout.

I'm not the only one on here to have said I'd be concerned but I am the only one you've abused. Must be the new relationship thing that hit a nerve but I stand by it.

Kids need stability and rushing into relationships isn't fair on them in my opinion (which you are able to disagree with without resorting to name calling)

@myhobbyisouting

I was emphasising not shouting. Nowhere did I say that I bathed the kids while he was out. So yes, I'm afraid, you made an assumption which made the situation look worse than I stated which made your opinion warped as they are based on your fictitious events. Cockwomble is hardly name calling....

Its not a new relationship as documented above. Btw, we find out last night that their mother is in her next relationship and looking to move the kids 4 hours away, has known the guy 3 months and the kids have already started at his house twice. Is that stability? My stable two year relationship isn't looking so shit now ay... Plus this new guy has a daughter and her mum is out of the picture and he had health problems which will not be disclosed to my OH.

Please, with fresh eyes, tell me who is looking out for the kids stability? Also just been on the phone to social services about the allegations made against me and reported by me (not the mother) and they have judged it as a non incident and ruled me fit to be around and look after children after I provided them with my medical records.

I'm doing everything I can to keep my OHs children safe and so is he. Get off my back and admit you overstepped the mark Sad

OP posts:
Original poster
HC2020 · 03/11/2020 13:53

update

For people calling me his girlfriend, I'm not, or wedding was postponed due to covid. I would have been his wife on 28th October - making me their stepmother. They have a mother, I'm not trying to replace her nor do I want to. When my SC call me mummy I correct them with "poppet I'm name you'll see mummy after school Monday". We are a household and if my OH asks me to help with them I do it. I'm very aware of safeguarding issues as a former Foster carer (short term fostering, babies then took on 3 hard to place girls in their teens). I know to have OH on hand if I bath the kids, we live in a 2 bed house and the bathroom is immediately at the top of the stairs and OH it's only at the bottom of the stairs in the kitchen. Both children have food allergies so he makes their lunches and breakfasts, he cannot do everything on his own before school (which is an hour away) so if course I help out as I have night seizures.

Also, we find out last night that their mother is in her next relationship and looking to move the kids 4 hours away, has known the guy 3 months and the kids have already stayed at his house twice. Is that stability? My stable two year relationship isn't looking so bad now... Plus this new guy has a daughter and her mum is out of the picture (drug related and a concern regarding SC) and he has health problems which will not be disclosed to my OH. We at least disclosed my health problems and have emergency procedures in place.

Please, with fresh eyes, tell me who is looking out for the kids stability? Also just been on the phone to social services about the allegations made against me and reported by me (not the mother) and they have judged it as a non incident and ruled me fit to be around and look after children after I provided them with my medical records confirming I have night seizures.

I'm doing everything I can to keep my OHs children safe and so is he.

@Bla484726828 I've made a comment to one person who created an alternative narrative. That's it.

@Pebbledashery I would have been married if not for covid. I'm not his girlfriend.

OP posts:
Pebbledashery · 03/11/2020 14:09

@HC2020 but you're still not a step mum. You're the father's partner. You are overstepping a bit with washing the children.. That's the father's job.. And actually he should want to do that himself during contact time.
Nobody is questioning your intentions or your ability to care for the children but personally you're coming across like a mother figure and that's not your job to do. They already have a mother.. You need to respect that she the mother needs to respect you are a part of the children's lives whether she likes it or not.