DSD lying about me

[SpongebobNoPants]

I’ve posted here before with regards to the situation with my DSDs and their DM. But for those who haven’t read my previous threads I will give you a quick summary of my situation so you’ve got some background.

I have 2 DCs and my DP has 2 DCs also. We’ve been together 5 years, live together, are engaged to be married and have no plans to have any children together.

My SDs nearly 12 & nearly 16. For the most part I we get along fine and I have (or thought I had) a particularly close relationship with the oldest.

Their DM is extremely money orientated and will only contact DP when she is demanding money. I say demand because that is literally what she does. He pays CMS, for mobile phone contracts, bus passes, uniforms, school bus passes, school dinners, haircuts - this list goes on.., yet his ex constantly asks for more.

Recently it’s ramped up a notch and it’s getting silly, such as “I bought DD a Halloween costume for £7 so you need to give me £3.50”. It’s incredibly draining and I try to stay out of it and have as little contact with his Ex as possible.

However, now my SCs seem to be lying and trying to manipulate DP to get him to spend more money.

Last weekend we had an awful situation where his youngest completely fabricated a conversation between me and her and she told DP “Bob doesn’t make me feel welcome. She told me I had to leave the house and that it’s not my home, it’s only her children’s home”

Firstly I would NEVER EVER say anything like that! I love my SCs and show them so much love and care whilst they are with us. Also when I’m alleged to have said these things my DP was with us in our kitchen and I was not even alone with her at any point.

DP called out her lie but we were also at first very sympathetic. I was heartbroken and worrying if I’d inadvertently done something to make her feel unwelcome or upset in our home.

So DP and I had a long discussion and he reassured me that he thinks I am wonderful with his children and he has no concerns from that perspective but we still needed to get to the bottom of why she’s saying these things.

He calls her and tries to reassure her she’s always welcome here, it’s her home top etc etc.

Throughout the whole conversation she wasn’t really interested in talking about it and he could hear her whispering back and forth with her DM but couldn’t work out exactly what they were saying.

DP was about to finish up the conversation and said “Well if there’s anything we can do to make you feel happier or more comfortable then let us know” to which SD replied “I want this coat from Zara. It’s only £50 and mum said you will have to buy it because she bought me some trainers last week that were £50 so it’s only fair”.

DP replied that she already had a coat but SD said apparently she doesn’t have a school coat. DP gave his Ex £250 towards uniform for his DDs in August as he said he’d split the cost with her but she hasn’t bought nearly enough items e.g. 1 jumper, 1 skirt for the youngest and eldest only needed some new shirts.

He said to SD that no, mum can buy it as he’s already given her the money to purchase these items and he can’t afford to keep giving out money endlessly.

SD then started with the manipulation “But dad, do you want me to be cold in the winter? Would you really let your little girl freeze? What if it snows?”

Again DP said “I’ve already given your mum the money to buy these things, you’re going to have to ask her”. So SD starts repeating that DP said if there’s anything he can do to make her happy she should tell him, so she is. She said she’s so upset I “told her to leave and didn’t make her welcome” and a new coat would make her forgive him and me.

I’m astounded. The worst part is that eldest SD also then joined in the conversation and said she thinks it’s disgusting that DP has set a limit of £200 for Christmas because “you can’t get anything decent for that amount, and I know it’s her that’s set it. This isn’t you, you’re letting her be the boss. She acts like she owns the place”.

I’m devastated.

True we’re set a lower limit this year but it’s been a hard year financially for us as a family. I was furloughed for 4 months, we’ve also bought a bigger house so finances are a bit tighter than normal. DP explained this to them but they’ve continued to vilify me.

I’m hurt and confused. I’m just the easy target to blame because they’re not getting things their own way.

Eldest SD knows she’s fucked up and has hurt my feelings because although she hasn’t apologised she’s been texting me nicely and offered me a lipstick she got as part of a set which is a colour she knows I like.

Youngest is being indignant and outright rude to DP and truthfully I’m dreading her coming here tonight. I will be as normal with her but I also don’t want to let her lies about me slide or for their to be no consequences. She’s in secondary school, not a very young child and I think she needs to know it’s not ok and she’s hurt my feelings.

How would you approach this? My DCs are at their dad’s house tonight and I almost feel like going to stay at my mum’s house so I don’t have to be here. I’m very hurt by the lies but also quite angry too.

@SandyY2K

Does his Ex have a job?

I'm sorry that some posters are making up nonsense or to suit their narrative.

I wasn’t going to bring this up because I’ll get accused of being judgemental... but no, she doesn’t work. She did have a part time job around 3 years ago but they wanted to make the position full time and she decided working 9-5 was too much for her so she quit and hadn’t worked since. From my understanding she has never worked, even before she became a mum.

@SpongebobNoPants I've read some of your other threads on this situation. I feel awful for you, there are clearly some very difficult dynamics. It all sounds exhausting.

I have to take back my comment that I see this my side - my daughter would never behave this way - I wouldn't allow it. Fine she has issues with her Dad / Step Mum and never adjusted to the blending of their families (which is sad imo) and did used to deliberately bait her SM at times in the past but nothing like what are describing. FWIW she created that drama all by herself with no encouragement from me (in fact, it was me who addressed the issue). It's a reaction to her objecting to the whole thing, but regardless of whether she finds it hard that doesn't justify poor behavior. Your situation is very different.

You say you normally get on really well with your DSDs and all is well but honestly, reading some of your post threads - there is a theme.. Some of the things you describe are really concerning behaviors! Making up lies about you seems to be the most thing in a long series of things. Your not unreasonable to be upset, by this but I do feel this is part of a much bigger issue which isn't being dealt with which has nothing to do with you (i.e. between your DP / his ex / their kids). You' seem to be the 'pawn' in this latest saga, and I don't under-estimate how hurtful it is.

May I ask were the children like this pre-divorce?? i.e manipulative?, playing parents off each other?

Where appropriate maintenance is paid, the mother’s income would usually have no bearing on discussions in the NRP’s house.

Unless....she is lying about where money for the children is going (the bus, the school uniform, the coat) asking for more cash all the time and encouraging her children to do the same.

Your DH is heroic if he never points out to his daughters that their mother could increase her own income and buy them Zara coats. And she is setting an interesting example to them. No need to work, just ask a man every time you want something.

I wasn’t going to bring this up because I’ll get accused of being judgemental... but no, she doesn’t work. She did have a part time job around 3 years ago but they wanted to make the position full time and she decided working 9-5 was too much for her so she quit and hadn’t worked since.

So 3 years ago both her children were in school, yet working full time was too much.

I'm perplexed by women who want to go through life depending on others to financially support them.

This is what daughters see and often grow up doing the same thing...depending on men to financially support them...and the cycle repeats.

I don't have sons and it's always been important for me that my DDs see that I work...I jointly contribute financially to their upbringing and to our household.

@LouiseTrees

You can’t afford 50 quid. Well then you really are in dire straits then! Hopefully someone will give you some advice. Did you buy the bigger house just pre Covid?

What the fuck?

Yanbu. He has been more than reasonable.
I'd be really hurt too by DSD I hope it was worth it you'll be forever wary never comfortable again.
He needs to stick with no she needs a job too.

What about he pays expenses directly. Ie with the uniform he would spend £250 then tell Ex I got abc, girls still need xyz so that can come out of your half. Or give his half of excursion costs directly to the school.

Time for DP to put his foot down. Use the CMS calculator on the website and just pay that. That is his obligation, not a penny more. If he gets anything extra for his girls then he buys it for them directly, no more handing cash to Ex who spends it on herself. That's just outright stupid.
And you're right in detaching. Go to your mums for the weekend whilst DP has a firm talking to girls. Lying and manipulating is unacceptable in your house and for that they are made to do X chores and apologise to you. Manipulative behaviours like saying to DP how he can let his little girl freeze in winter and a coat makes up being treated like not part of the family needs nipping in the bud now or they will be horrible humans. You can't control the Ex or who the girls take after but you can certainly control how much you're involved and what DP and you teach them

I'm flabbergasted reading this. So many similar stories, too. You all must have known the score before marrying & living with these men.

Perhaps you imagined your marriage/moving in together would make a difference but really, betting on potential and assumed outcome is not wise. As you see. The only one that can change dynamics is the man. Likely he won't want to upset his DCs though and has some guilt at no longer living with them. So if he's always been a 'walking wallet' then that's their usual dynamic.

Whilst it's good to go over it on MN, ultimately I doubt there'll be any change because change relies on someone else ie Dad/Husband - not you.

Must be hard to live with though. The DDs have been learned from both sides that materialism and 'things' are the be all and end all.