DSD lying about me

[SpongebobNoPants]

I’ve posted here before with regards to the situation with my DSDs and their DM. But for those who haven’t read my previous threads I will give you a quick summary of my situation so you’ve got some background.

I have 2 DCs and my DP has 2 DCs also. We’ve been together 5 years, live together, are engaged to be married and have no plans to have any children together.

My SDs nearly 12 & nearly 16. For the most part I we get along fine and I have (or thought I had) a particularly close relationship with the oldest.

Their DM is extremely money orientated and will only contact DP when she is demanding money. I say demand because that is literally what she does. He pays CMS, for mobile phone contracts, bus passes, uniforms, school bus passes, school dinners, haircuts - this list goes on.., yet his ex constantly asks for more.

Recently it’s ramped up a notch and it’s getting silly, such as “I bought DD a Halloween costume for £7 so you need to give me £3.50”. It’s incredibly draining and I try to stay out of it and have as little contact with his Ex as possible.

However, now my SCs seem to be lying and trying to manipulate DP to get him to spend more money.

Last weekend we had an awful situation where his youngest completely fabricated a conversation between me and her and she told DP “Bob doesn’t make me feel welcome. She told me I had to leave the house and that it’s not my home, it’s only her children’s home”

Firstly I would NEVER EVER say anything like that! I love my SCs and show them so much love and care whilst they are with us. Also when I’m alleged to have said these things my DP was with us in our kitchen and I was not even alone with her at any point.

DP called out her lie but we were also at first very sympathetic. I was heartbroken and worrying if I’d inadvertently done something to make her feel unwelcome or upset in our home.

So DP and I had a long discussion and he reassured me that he thinks I am wonderful with his children and he has no concerns from that perspective but we still needed to get to the bottom of why she’s saying these things.

He calls her and tries to reassure her she’s always welcome here, it’s her home top etc etc.

Throughout the whole conversation she wasn’t really interested in talking about it and he could hear her whispering back and forth with her DM but couldn’t work out exactly what they were saying.

DP was about to finish up the conversation and said “Well if there’s anything we can do to make you feel happier or more comfortable then let us know” to which SD replied “I want this coat from Zara. It’s only £50 and mum said you will have to buy it because she bought me some trainers last week that were £50 so it’s only fair”.

DP replied that she already had a coat but SD said apparently she doesn’t have a school coat. DP gave his Ex £250 towards uniform for his DDs in August as he said he’d split the cost with her but she hasn’t bought nearly enough items e.g. 1 jumper, 1 skirt for the youngest and eldest only needed some new shirts.

He said to SD that no, mum can buy it as he’s already given her the money to purchase these items and he can’t afford to keep giving out money endlessly.

SD then started with the manipulation “But dad, do you want me to be cold in the winter? Would you really let your little girl freeze? What if it snows?”

Again DP said “I’ve already given your mum the money to buy these things, you’re going to have to ask her”. So SD starts repeating that DP said if there’s anything he can do to make her happy she should tell him, so she is. She said she’s so upset I “told her to leave and didn’t make her welcome” and a new coat would make her forgive him and me.

I’m astounded. The worst part is that eldest SD also then joined in the conversation and said she thinks it’s disgusting that DP has set a limit of £200 for Christmas because “you can’t get anything decent for that amount, and I know it’s her that’s set it. This isn’t you, you’re letting her be the boss. She acts like she owns the place”.

I’m devastated.

True we’re set a lower limit this year but it’s been a hard year financially for us as a family. I was furloughed for 4 months, we’ve also bought a bigger house so finances are a bit tighter than normal. DP explained this to them but they’ve continued to vilify me.

I’m hurt and confused. I’m just the easy target to blame because they’re not getting things their own way.

Eldest SD knows she’s fucked up and has hurt my feelings because although she hasn’t apologised she’s been texting me nicely and offered me a lipstick she got as part of a set which is a colour she knows I like.

Youngest is being indignant and outright rude to DP and truthfully I’m dreading her coming here tonight. I will be as normal with her but I also don’t want to let her lies about me slide or for their to be no consequences. She’s in secondary school, not a very young child and I think she needs to know it’s not ok and she’s hurt my feelings.

How would you approach this? My DCs are at their dad’s house tonight and I almost feel like going to stay at my mum’s house so I don’t have to be here. I’m very hurt by the lies but also quite angry too.

From other posts her sister is on the right path.
Younger SD is following a pattern I saw in kids homes, they were there because of their behaviour but usually had mums who were shit, drugs, drink, crap boyfriends or a stream of men. Blunt but true. (my mum had drug problems I was in and out of care until she died when I was 10 and went to my dad)

I would expect her to become sexually active before 14. I've known girls be shagging by 11. They do not see themselves as victims of abuse.
A certain sort of 'man' will be seen as useful if he gives money, booze etc. She'll think she's in control, you know better. I would also expect shoplifting.

The appearance thing you mentioned on the other threads is a real worry. It shows she's already valuing appearance which will become manipulating men (in her eyes) as soon as she realises she's able to make them do what she wants.

I know it sounds like I'm being over the top but please trust me I'm not. You've noticed a lack of empathy, appearance should not be that important, She's manipulating other children to do things they wouldn't usually do, she's fighting, she's made it clear she believes she has a right to abuse adults as well, even strangers she doesn't know, shes stealing. It's not the value of what's she stealing it's the fact that she's doing it.

Has her mum ever said anything about her behaviour? It is not normal. If social services get wind of it they will be interested.

I'm so sorry. They are really lucky to have you though, it really comes across on all of your threads how much you care about her. But it is looking really grim right now.

She may well accuse you of hitting her if she thinks it'll get her something.

How does she get on with her mum's boyfriend or any others that mum's had?

To: Spongebobnopants
If this child is doing all of these very concerning things , why are not both of her biological parents not getting help for her. As the story evolves (and I have not read your prior posts as far as I know,) it appears that there are far more significant issues than a coat or a lie.

Who loves this child enough to get her whatever help that she might need? Neither parent is worth a thinkers damn If they get all bent out of shape about money and yet are so laissez faire about this child's well being. How can you possibly respect either of them?
You feel comfortable criticizing the mom but the father is equally responsible for his child.

The more I read the more it seems that this child is being failed by the adults in her life. Her biological parents want in equality and accountability in money matters and yet no one in stepping up to give or get the help that she appears to need.
Why have children when you are willing to take a financial stand and yet not do the far more important things.

Your fiance may be there for your children but where is he for his own daughter? He could tolerate his ex well enough to create two lives with her, but he cannot tolerate her long enough to do what is best for his child? It seems that his tolerance level served his libido but not so much his daughters. The mother if your accounting is accurate is also less than a prize.

Exactly what are you getting out of involvement with either of them?

Hey OP, to get to the point of things (the lies) this is what I would advise.

I understand it’s been hurtful to you, but sadly this is sometimes the price of being a step parent. I mean this in so much as step children can really like you, enjoy spending time with you, and you can buy them things, do things with them and all the rest. All that being said, when it comes to the crux of it, they will throw you under the bus to get what they want from dad. As I think you are aware the lie wasn’t really aimed at hurting you, it was ammunition to guilt dad into buying her what she wanted. So what do you do, well for starters I would remain much as were, continue to be the adult and rise above. I would however quietly let the stepdaughter know that your are hurt and upset by what she said. Acting like it was nothing will do you no favours, because if you act like you don’t care, they will assume that indeed you don’t care. There is no point in freezing her out or giving the cold shoulder, all this will do is serve to escalate things and increase the tension, and teens are stubborn so don’t give her any extra reason to dig her heels in.

They are pre teen and teen, and their dad’s life has changed significantly since he met you. A lot of that change will be for the better, and they have indeed benefited from these changes too. Now that their Das has tried to become a little stricter with the money he gives it’s yet another change for them. Given meeting and being with you has been reason for many of the other changes, it’s not far fetched for them to come to the conclusion you are the reason for this change also. This is not for you to deal with, Dad needs to sit down and have a conversation with them to very very clearly explain that his is their parent, not you, and he is the only person other than their Mother who decides what money the do and don’t get, what things they get do or don’t get bought etc and that have no involvement in his parenting decisions financial or otherwise! He also needs to make it clear to them that lies about you are not acceptable, that you are hurt by it, and that they should be ashamed of themselves for doing it, and that he is disappointed in them doing it also. He needs to be clear that whilst he loves them very much, lies and poor behaviour will never be rewarded with material things from him.

As for the wider financial issues I agree, stay out of it, that’s for your DP and his ex to sort out between themselves. The less you are involved in this aspect the better.

@Tiredoftattler please feel free to search my previous posts.

We have tried to get her counselling but her mum kicked up a stink and threatened to withhold contact. It’s a constant battle.

On a happier note both girls have come home to us and have been huggy, loving towards me and very much “you’re my best friend”.

Have you or DP said anything about the phone call OP?

@Lillygolightly thank you so much for your advice. It’s very much appreciated.
And @lilmishap thank you for taking the time to understand my situation

[quote SpongebobNoPants]@Tiredoftattler please feel free to search my previous posts.

We have tried to get her counselling but her mum kicked up a stink and threatened to withhold contact. It’s a constant battle.

On a happier note both girls have come home to us and have been huggy, loving towards me and very much “you’re my best friend”.[/quote]
I’m surprised you let the youngest hug you after what she said. You are a good woman. I’d have turned on the tears and been like “ but you all hate me”. On the flip side could the dog you mentioned upthread be a new contention issue. I’m thinking right now she’ll be like “ but you don’t need to have got a dog and be buying that pet food” . I hope not. I think you sound very patient so stick with that but don’t go out of your way. Cordial behaviour, not best behaviour.

To Spongebobnopants:
I have no more thoughts on the situation other than to hope that this works out well for all involved.
I would not wish to be a young child today. Children are expected to deal with so many issues that are largely due to the actions and inaction of the adults in their lives.

I often pray that my children are strong enough to survive the selfish and self serving decisions that their father and I made. We try to make things work well for them and try to create as little disruption as possible in their lives. He and I were fortunate enough to have parents who stayed together and provided us with good lives. We both very much regret not being able to do the same for our children.

Even though we try to co-parent in a harmonious manner, we both think that the life that we are providing is second rate compared to the life that our parents were able to provide for us.

Sending good thoughts to and for all of you.

I could have written this post 4 years ago. Be careful OP, the lying and manipulation is a slippery slope. I've had a slow creep of being vilified over the past number of years, like a lobster in a pot with the temperature slowly increasing. I didn't truly realize the extent of it until more recently. It's like another poster said, the SM is an easy and safer target for SDs to lash out against. It's tiresome and unfair.

In hindsight I gave the benefit of the doubt too much, I wish I had trusted my instincts more and set better boundaries. I was a bit of a slave to it all, making multiple meal options each dinner time, having a perfect house, family holidays etc etc. I was basically the cheerleader for our blended family. When my SD (backed up by my in-laws) announced last year that I was "unwelcoming" (in response to some pretty unpleasant stuff she and her sister had done) I was floored, derailed and so hurt. The actual evidence backing up the accusation was so weak but this didnt matter to the feelings of rejection. It was like this moment where I realised that I was giving everyone else the benefit of the doubt whilst myself being held to a different and impossible standard. Total head melt.

I love my DP to bits but it seemed like he was almost relieved for someone else to be taking the heat for once. I know that it's hard for him to be the middle of it but it's also v difficult to be more on the periphery with minimal control/influence over the narrative.
Now I'm civil but very guarded. It's very difficult.

I don't have any real advice apart from trusting your instincts, ensuring you and DP are laser aligned on anything that arises and making sure you have time for you.

Christ on a bike this thread really shows how some posters will read only what they want, ignore the rest and make up everything else just so they can spew a load on nonsense, vilify the OP and spout their armchair psychology which is, in fact, a complete crock of shit.

As others have said, and I believe I said it on a previous post too, if you can, get your DP to start physically buying stuff himself. Or buy half where possible. School shoes from you guys and the mum has to buy the trainers. Coat, PE kit and underwear from you guys, school shirts, jumpers and skirts from mummy. Or pay for the stuff, keep receipts and take the mother's contribution from the maintenance. And keep the kids informed. At 11 and 16 they are old enough to grasp the concept of halving costs.
They've been convinced that because dad isn't buying X, Y and Z, that he's not providing adequately yet haven't seen that their mum hasn't paid for anything at all. Shes used all the money given to her for them and spent a fraction, keeping the rest. She's pushed the focus away from herself.

They have two parents and two parents must provide for their children. Remind the kids of that.

And yes, NEVER be alone in a room with them. The 11 year old could escalate the lie into something worse.

@Tiredoftattler

I'm a first wife and I find your posts incredibly wise advice. You clearly understand the dynamics incredibly well. I completely agree with your read of this. I've seen it time and time again with my DD / her Dad & step Mum.

That’s £10K per year on disposable income (on top of maintenance) so assuming you’ve realised that the girls Mum also has a financial responsibility to them - that’s £20k? You really think £20k is reasonable??

The average salary in the uk is £29k? There’s kids growing up without food ffs.

@Dreading2020sSeasonFinale

Christ on a bike this thread really shows how some posters will read only what they want, ignore the rest and make up everything else just so they can spew a load on nonsense, vilify the OP and spout their armchair psychology which is, in fact, a complete crock of shit.

As others have said, and I believe I said it on a previous post too, if you can, get your DP to start physically buying stuff himself. Or buy half where possible. School shoes from you guys and the mum has to buy the trainers. Coat, PE kit and underwear from you guys, school shirts, jumpers and skirts from mummy. Or pay for the stuff, keep receipts and take the mother's contribution from the maintenance. And keep the kids informed. At 11 and 16 they are old enough to grasp the concept of halving costs.
They've been convinced that because dad isn't buying X, Y and Z, that he's not providing adequately yet haven't seen that their mum hasn't paid for anything at all. Shes used all the money given to her for them and spent a fraction, keeping the rest. She's pushed the focus away from herself.

They have two parents and two parents must provide for their children. Remind the kids of that.

Just RTFT and remember your previous ones @SpongebobNoPants.

I totally agree with @Dreading2020sSeasonFinale - I am stunned at some of the nasty, twisted contributors on here.

Please feel supported by the others, who have offered kind and constructive advice.

I think DP needs a serious talk with them about the seriousness of lying and ensure an apology to you.

He should also have a talk about money to explain that he gives it to their mother, pays for a tons of stuff on top and why the only £200 for Christmas?!’ is disgusting,

Most importantly, I totally agree with the advice in dreading’s post about broader arrangements for money. DP should absolutely stop giving the mother extra. Buy his part of the school uniform and refer his children to their mother for the rest.

Hang in there. Hope this weekend is lovely for you all.

[quote Pinkyxx]@Tiredoftattler

I'm a first wife and I find your posts incredibly wise advice. You clearly understand the dynamics incredibly well. I completely agree with your read of this. I've seen it time and time again with my DD / her Dad & step Mum.[/quote]
Stop projecting.

@Pinkyxx I’m also a first wife, I have 2 DCs of my own (not my DP’s). I can assure you that @Tiredoftattler hasn’t taken the time to read my posts properly and has cherry picked parts to suit her own narrative, I’ve had to reply to her and correct her on her inaccurate assumptions and quotes on this thread several times.
Please feel free to read all of my posts to gain a better understanding of the situation and read how many times I have stated that I love these children and my only concern is them fabricating stories about me.

If the child is 16 can't the maintenance be paid to her and not the mum..

@bluerad she’s only 15, she’s 16 next month.
But no I don’t think you can do that and I don’t it’s right to pay the children directly either as their mum will have bills to pay in relation to DCs living with her.
As I’ve stated several times in my posts, there is no issue whatsoever with paying the CMS and for all the extras the kids needs. It is the morally right thing to do!
But DP’s problem lies with the fact that his continually asked to pay twice and their mum isn’t contributing her fair share towards these costs and expects DP to cover it all. This expectation has spilled into his relationship with his children who are now blaming me for him saying no or setting boundaries.

It’s upsetting that I’m being blamed. It’s quite literally nothing to do with me

It sounds like your stepchildren are partly playing this game in order to please, or not displease, their mother. And partly taking advantage of their mother's demanding manipulations to get something, the coat, that can be seen as a 'win'.

They then come round to yours and behave normally towards you, which is probably a demonstration of their real feelings.

Sometimes dcs can feel like they are not free to have, or at least be seen to have, a decent relationship with a step-mother because they get a sense from their own mother that this is somehow a betrayal of loyalties.

In your position this weekend I'd speak to your dsds with your dh present, and say we are both very sad that you have told lies about @SpongebobNoPants and we don't understand why. But if you do it again we are going to fall out.

Your DH could also take the opportunity to explain and clarify his thoughts about the coat, and how asking for a new Zara coat was not what he meant when he asked if there was anything to make them feel more welcome! He could talk to them about love and money not being related etc. And he could also point out that telling hurtful lies about someone we all love is not a good way to try to get material things for yourself.
Hope the weekend goes ok

£200 per child for Christmas does not make us poor, unable to provide for them or financially unstable

This is a more than generous budget. In fact it's a high amount IMO.

When you said you only had a £200 budget...I was thinking what's the problem.

The maintenance he pays is adequate...it's not small as some have suggested.

But DP’s problem lies with the fact that his continually asked to pay twice and their mum isn’t contributing her fair share towards these costs and expects DP to cover it all.

Then it stops. It all stops. Outside of the agreement there is nothing UNLESS he wants to offer it.

If they ask, it’s no

If she asks he literally just needs to ignore.

It’s the only thing that works when the situation has got to this stage

It’s upsetting that I’m being blamed. It’s quite literally nothing to do with me

And if this isn’t being roundly dealt with by your DP, then you really have got a DP problem.

Explain to him that you’re not the bad guy, never was, but if he’s going to allow it in anyway, then you’re voting with your feet, or rather he’d better look for accommodation elsewhere

1234whatsfortea

Can a teenage girl not make a mistake

You mean can a teenage girl not make a false accusation? Because what she did is not a mistake. Nobody makes up a lie like that by mistake. It was deliberate and to think otherwise is ridiculous.

The child knows she lied...and asking if there was anything to make her more comfortable... was not a pass to ask for whatever. She is old enough to understand that. I'm not buying the argument that she's not old enough to understand the question....unless she has learning difficulties.

I've got a 7 year old niece who would absolutely know what that meant, but she wouldn't tell such a lie in the first place.

I know kids can lie to get themselves out of trouble...as do adults... but this was a lie intended to show OP in a bad way and is unfair. Such lies do not deserve a reward.

I don't understand why some people want to justify and excuse this kind of behaviour in children. It's no wonder you have so many entitled and ungrateful children.

I post objectively here and have no bias towards stepmums or first wives.

Does his Ex have a job?

I'm sorry that some posters are making up nonsense or to suit their narrative.

@1234whatsfortea I don't think op sounds spiteful at all.