DSD lying about me

[SpongebobNoPants]

I’ve posted here before with regards to the situation with my DSDs and their DM. But for those who haven’t read my previous threads I will give you a quick summary of my situation so you’ve got some background.

I have 2 DCs and my DP has 2 DCs also. We’ve been together 5 years, live together, are engaged to be married and have no plans to have any children together.

My SDs nearly 12 & nearly 16. For the most part I we get along fine and I have (or thought I had) a particularly close relationship with the oldest.

Their DM is extremely money orientated and will only contact DP when she is demanding money. I say demand because that is literally what she does. He pays CMS, for mobile phone contracts, bus passes, uniforms, school bus passes, school dinners, haircuts - this list goes on.., yet his ex constantly asks for more.

Recently it’s ramped up a notch and it’s getting silly, such as “I bought DD a Halloween costume for £7 so you need to give me £3.50”. It’s incredibly draining and I try to stay out of it and have as little contact with his Ex as possible.

However, now my SCs seem to be lying and trying to manipulate DP to get him to spend more money.

Last weekend we had an awful situation where his youngest completely fabricated a conversation between me and her and she told DP “Bob doesn’t make me feel welcome. She told me I had to leave the house and that it’s not my home, it’s only her children’s home”

Firstly I would NEVER EVER say anything like that! I love my SCs and show them so much love and care whilst they are with us. Also when I’m alleged to have said these things my DP was with us in our kitchen and I was not even alone with her at any point.

DP called out her lie but we were also at first very sympathetic. I was heartbroken and worrying if I’d inadvertently done something to make her feel unwelcome or upset in our home.

So DP and I had a long discussion and he reassured me that he thinks I am wonderful with his children and he has no concerns from that perspective but we still needed to get to the bottom of why she’s saying these things.

He calls her and tries to reassure her she’s always welcome here, it’s her home top etc etc.

Throughout the whole conversation she wasn’t really interested in talking about it and he could hear her whispering back and forth with her DM but couldn’t work out exactly what they were saying.

DP was about to finish up the conversation and said “Well if there’s anything we can do to make you feel happier or more comfortable then let us know” to which SD replied “I want this coat from Zara. It’s only £50 and mum said you will have to buy it because she bought me some trainers last week that were £50 so it’s only fair”.

DP replied that she already had a coat but SD said apparently she doesn’t have a school coat. DP gave his Ex £250 towards uniform for his DDs in August as he said he’d split the cost with her but she hasn’t bought nearly enough items e.g. 1 jumper, 1 skirt for the youngest and eldest only needed some new shirts.

He said to SD that no, mum can buy it as he’s already given her the money to purchase these items and he can’t afford to keep giving out money endlessly.

SD then started with the manipulation “But dad, do you want me to be cold in the winter? Would you really let your little girl freeze? What if it snows?”

Again DP said “I’ve already given your mum the money to buy these things, you’re going to have to ask her”. So SD starts repeating that DP said if there’s anything he can do to make her happy she should tell him, so she is. She said she’s so upset I “told her to leave and didn’t make her welcome” and a new coat would make her forgive him and me.



I’m astounded. The worst part is that eldest SD also then joined in the conversation and said she thinks it’s disgusting that DP has set a limit of £200 for Christmas because “you can’t get anything decent for that amount, and I know it’s her that’s set it. This isn’t you, you’re letting her be the boss. She acts like she owns the place”.

I’m devastated.

True we’re set a lower limit this year but it’s been a hard year financially for us as a family. I was furloughed for 4 months, we’ve also bought a bigger house so finances are a bit tighter than normal. DP explained this to them but they’ve continued to vilify me.

I’m hurt and confused. I’m just the easy target to blame because they’re not getting things their own way.

Eldest SD knows she’s fucked up and has hurt my feelings because although she hasn’t apologised she’s been texting me nicely and offered me a lipstick she got as part of a set which is a colour she knows I like.

Youngest is being indignant and outright rude to DP and truthfully I’m dreading her coming here tonight. I will be as normal with her but I also don’t want to let her lies about me slide or for their to be no consequences. She’s in secondary school, not a very young child and I think she needs to know it’s not ok and she’s hurt my feelings.

How would you approach this? My DCs are at their dad’s house tonight and I almost feel like going to stay at my mum’s house so I don’t have to be here. I’m very hurt by the lies but also quite angry too.

[Flowerpot345]

Your dp needs to nip this in the bud here especially when it comes to the lies about you there needs to be consequences when making up lies like that villifying you, you must not be alone with them at all now.

This money situation needs sorting out also. This is where the kids need teaching about real life, sometimes you come up to hard times and money isnt everything if you can only afford 200 limit for christmas then thats that and I say 'only' lightly as alot of other kids wont get that much anyway.
They sound extremely spoilt and this needs to be dealt with by your DP.

[GrumpyHoonMain]

How much is the maintenance? I would be reducing down to that and then giving the girls a set allowance each month for extras. No going halves for anything their mum buys - each family has completely seperate christmas / birthday allowances.

[LastGoldenDaysOfSummer]

Time to just pay the basic maintenance to the DM.

Anything extra that you choose to buy is up to you but she has to get off the gravy train.

[SpongebobNoPants]

To answer a few questions maintenance is £440 a month. But as I’ve said DP pays for half everything extra on top of that so his Ex and DCs are not hard done by.
I can’t imagine the kids think he is putting his money towards me and my children as they’re aware I actually purchased the house and most of the things in it.
The reason we needed a bigger home was to accommodate my SCs so they could have their own room.

[aSofaNearYou]

Absolutely do not buy them anything after that display!

Tbh they sound horrendous. Yes, they've obviously been raised this way by their mum but at their age, I would want very little to do with either of them, this is becoming their nature.

You both need to be firmer and stop justifying everything to them as though their demands are reasonable. Don't act apologetic about "only" having £200 to spend for Christmas, tell them off for being so incredibly rude about it, and tell them you won't spend that either if they don't check their attitude. Don't apologise for "making them feel unwelcome", it is very obvious she is lying and it is very bad behaviour. Set consequences. I would have a much less tolerant attitude towards this behaviour than you and your DP are showing.

Could he consider changing the way he contributes, so it is less adhoc and doesn't leave room for her to try and manipulate? He could perhaps send a certain amount every month/two months for clothes for example, factoring in the bigger spends like uniform for the new term? I would find a way of putting an end to the system where he sends her money as and when she asks for it, given her attitude towards it.

[1234whatsfortea]

I don't agree I think £440 is actually not a lot for two teenage kids. It will cover their food and accommodation costs. £250 for two teens school uniforms which include shoes or trainers etc will just about cover it. £125 each take away shoes or trainers at probably around £50-60 pound then the rest and you might struggle to get a winter jacket with that. If he has brought them up wearing certain brands etc then that's how it should continue. He should half any extras as they are HIS children. It's no wonder the kids feel a certain way when you have just bought a bigger house but suddenly grudge every penny given to them. Fathers should be able to give gifts of clothing, treats etc without the 'He pays enough maintenance' argument. Put yourself in the mums position. How the children treat you is another matter however given how you seem obsessed with money being spent on them I think it's reasonable they will pick up on this and treat you accordingly.

[Haffdonga]

Look at the last year of costs of 'half of everything on top'. Calculate the average per month. Divide amount in 2.

Explain the maths to dsd and ask her if she'd prefer to have her share paid directly to her as an allowance or given to her mum.

Soon she'll be adult. Will you still be arguing over who pays for her socks?

[aSofaNearYou]

@1234whatsfortea Are you one of OPs SDs? 😂

[1234whatsfortea]

Haha no just someone with my own opinion. It's really sad when families break up and children are reduced to parents and step parents fighting over who buys their clothes!

[mangoandraspberries]

I think you need to sort the money situation out, so the mother isn’t asking you for half for every little thing she buys. Can you work our the total amount your DP gives her in a typical year, divide it by 12 and give her that amount at the beginning of each month, and that has to cover absolutely everything she wants to buy?

On the lying, I would have no patience for it and make it very clear that it isn’t acceptable (your DP needs to say this to them, not you). They may try to guilt trip you (kids aren’t stupid, they know your DP may give in), but hold firm and hopefully they’ll respect you more for it in the long run.

[MsSquiz]

@1234whatsfortea have you even read the OP's posts?!
He pays £440 per month as well has half of everything, and you don't think that's enough?

As OP pointed out, £250 for half school uniform would mean their mum had £500 for uniform. How would that not include a school coat?
And, this coat was only dropped in the conversation when the dad asked if there was anything else he could do. She asked for the coat because her mum bought trainers, not because she doesn't have a coat or that she's freezing!

Also, they bought a bigger house to accommodate his daughters!

Are you the mum?!

[LRHRN]

It's a hard one as everyone has their own opinion and different experiences with it.
My ex pays £200 a month for 2 children (13 and 9) and doesn't contribute for anything else.
I would never ask for any more and I use this money for dinner money, phones, after school clubs and school bus fare. I don't think it's his responsibility to pay to feed them or house them while they are living with me. When he has them every other weekend and in the holidays it's his responsibility to feed them, take them out etc, That's just how I see it.

I think she's out of order asking for more money and is very manipulative getting the girls to ask and almost guilt trip him.
He's paying maintenance and paying for a lot of extras and it's very unfair that more pressure keeps being added on you, say no!

I'd be very inclined to stop giving her extra money if it's not being used for the children and buy the items yourself.
Good Luck

[1234whatsfortea]

Yes I have read the posts but take them with a pinch of salt as there is always two sides to every story! MsSquiz are you a step mum having her budget restricted due to a selfish, unreasonable, money grabbing ex who just demands money night and day lol? Honestly calm down

[Tiredoftattler]

OP, your leaving the house this weekend would give him time to have a discussion with them without anyone having to feel a need to constrain their feelings or thoughts.

He should have the opportunity to tell them exactly what he is willing to do financially without you being a party to that conversation. He should also address his expectations of honest representation of anything that happens in your home. In essence he should make clear his intentions as to providing for them and his expectations of truthful and polite behavior in the house.
CS or CM is an amount determined by a court, it is not meant to be all or the only funds that a parent provides. There is little to be gained by bringing up CS/CM other than to remind the kids that their parents were themselves incapable of deciding together how to adequately support their children.

Is your partner truly adverse to buying a second coat for his daughter? Fair or not , many teenage girls want and often have more than 1 coat.

I never question what my husband's kids ask him to buy, and he never questions what my kids ask me to get. I would be very angry with him if he were to ever suggest to them that they cannot have whatever because of my financial circumstances. Nor would I ever suggest to my kids that they cannot have some token or trinket because of his financial needs. We each say yes or no to our own kids without ever bringing in the other and neither of us feels the need to discuss how money is handled in the other parents home. We have enough to do in managing our own household without second guessing what is happening in the other households.

OP , you are better served by letting him handle this with no input from you. If you choose not to leave the house, I would suggest to him that he take the girls out to have his discussion with them.

Even a spouse, should have some aspects of their life that they manage on their own, and the relationship with their children easily falls into that category.

[LRHRN]

With regards to the lying, don't be alone with them because you cannot guarantee what she's going to say next

[ThePerfectRose]

At that age I think it’s better to just work out an allowance for the children (to go directly to them if necessary) and stick to it.

At 16 I wouldn’t have had to ask my parents for money. I had money paid into my account which I would use and also money from a part time job. Get them bank accounts if they don’t already have them.

So I would up to maintenance if necessary and then pay money directly to the girls. It will give them some responsibility as it sounds like they need to learn the value of money.

This way just sounds way too complicated.

[SBTLove]

@1234whatsfortea
Are you a grabby first wife?
There’s plenty ppl on here who can attest to the irrational behaviour by first wives towards their ex and his new DW/DP.
The OP started despite giving £250 for uniforms only one skirt, one jumper and some shirts were bought. Their dad gives plenty by the looks of it, where does it end?

[1234whatsfortea]

Sorry to disappoint not a ex wife but I hear there is a club

[SpongebobNoPants]

@1234whatsfortea

I don't agree I think £440 is actually not a lot for two teenage kids. It will cover their food and accommodation costs. £250 for two teens school uniforms which include shoes or trainers etc will just about cover it. £125 each take away shoes or trainers at probably around £50-60 pound then the rest and you might struggle to get a winter jacket with that. If he has brought them up wearing certain brands etc then that's how it should continue. He should half any extras as they are HIS children. It's no wonder the kids feel a certain way when you have just bought a bigger house but suddenly grudge every penny given to them. Fathers should be able to give gifts of clothing, treats etc without the 'He pays enough maintenance' argument. Put yourself in the mums position. How the children treat you is another matter however given how you seem obsessed with money being spent on them I think it's reasonable they will pick up on this and treat you accordingly.

To address this post.
£440 is the CMS which is DP’s contribution towards their food, household bills etc when they’re with their mum.
Literally every other extra cost that is to be expected with having teenage DCs such as electronics, phones, bus passes, hairdressing costs etc is paid by DP solely.
He also then pays at least half for everything else like school trips, clothes, etc. His ex in this respect is contributing very little to these expenses.

So actually it’s probably closer to £700pcm when you take into account all the extras. Which is totally fine, there’s no grumbling about that whatsoever from either of us.
What is an issue is the expectation that DP should pay for everything, whilst their DM contributes very little financially.

His DC have never had designer labels and my DP I’d probably the least materialistic person you could ever meet. Most of the items in his wardrobe are 5+ years old, so their want for expensive items hasn’t come from him and is likely just a product of societal expectation and being part of the Instagram generation.

I am not stopping him from paying anything or providing gifts to his DC, he said he isn’t willing to constantly hand over more and more cash. Especially when he has provided money for those items already.

He should half any extras as they are HIS children
I absolutely agree, this is what he’s trying to enforce as he’s currently paying for 90% of it.

I would also like to add that I can see it from his ex’s perspective and would like to point out that I am also a single parent to my own 2 DCs. I get that it can be tough financially but I also wouldn’t encourage my DCs to demand money or expect my ex to pay more than his fair share.

I am not obsessed with money being spent on my SCs, I simply explained the problem my DP is having and how they have lied about me to try and get what they want.

I don’t get involved, I’ve just come here for advice.

[SpongebobNoPants]

Is your partner truly adverse to buying a second coat for his daughter? Fair or not , many teenage girls want and often have more than 1 coat
She already has a winter coat, a rain mac and several jackets.
It’s not that he’s adverse to buying her one, he has already provided money for one doesn’t have the spare cash to give another £50 on a whim

[aSofaNearYou]

It's very clear from your OP that you are not the one obsessed with money being spent on these children. The youngest literally made up a terrible lie about you and then asked for a £50 gift in compensation.

You and DPs only mistake was ever implying you needed to do something to make it up to her, rather than the other way around.

[1234whatsfortea]

I think tiredoftatler post is exactly the correct way to deal with these situations instead of the hysterical don't give her another penny posts when really they don't have the full background. Tiredoftatler is also experienced and seems to have boundaries in place that protect herself, her partner, the step partners and the children. You came across to me as sounding spiteful about the kids and the ex but again that is my opinion on reading your posts. Do yourself a favour and read the above posters advice and run with that as it is the most reasoned advice you will get!

[SpongebobNoPants]

@1234whatsfortea £250 was meant to cover half of the costs of uniform, so she should have had a budget of £500.
Eldest has only had new shirts and tights, nothing else was bought. Youngest has shoes from new look circa £20 and bag from primark, only 1 school jumper and 1 skirt. There’s no way that she’d have gone over £250 and if she did it certainly wasn’t £500. The coat if not bought with the money DP has already given should therefore come out of ex’s half she’s supposed to have contributed. That’s where wrangling DP.

[TweeBree]

This is where your DH has be strict about boundaries:

"I don't discuss finances with you kids. It's none of your business. If your mother has any issues, tell her to contact me directly."

"You already have a coat. I'm not discussing it further."

Repeat as necessary.

[SpongebobNoPants]

You came across to me as sounding spiteful about the kids and the ex but again that is my opinion on reading your posts. Do yourself a favour and read the above posters advice and run with that as it is the most reasoned advice you will get!

I’m sorry you read it that way, I came here for advice about how to deal with the lies. I’ve also stated I think DP is extremely fair with finances and contributes more than his fair share financially.
I’m genuinely upset that his DCs have made their relationship with us about money. We love them, care for them and I personally do so much for them.
I’m hurt by their behaviour.