DSD lying about me

[SpongebobNoPants]

I’ve posted here before with regards to the situation with my DSDs and their DM. But for those who haven’t read my previous threads I will give you a quick summary of my situation so you’ve got some background.

I have 2 DCs and my DP has 2 DCs also. We’ve been together 5 years, live together, are engaged to be married and have no plans to have any children together.

My SDs nearly 12 & nearly 16. For the most part I we get along fine and I have (or thought I had) a particularly close relationship with the oldest.

Their DM is extremely money orientated and will only contact DP when she is demanding money. I say demand because that is literally what she does. He pays CMS, for mobile phone contracts, bus passes, uniforms, school bus passes, school dinners, haircuts - this list goes on.., yet his ex constantly asks for more.

Recently it’s ramped up a notch and it’s getting silly, such as “I bought DD a Halloween costume for £7 so you need to give me £3.50”. It’s incredibly draining and I try to stay out of it and have as little contact with his Ex as possible.

However, now my SCs seem to be lying and trying to manipulate DP to get him to spend more money.

Last weekend we had an awful situation where his youngest completely fabricated a conversation between me and her and she told DP “Bob doesn’t make me feel welcome. She told me I had to leave the house and that it’s not my home, it’s only her children’s home”

Firstly I would NEVER EVER say anything like that! I love my SCs and show them so much love and care whilst they are with us. Also when I’m alleged to have said these things my DP was with us in our kitchen and I was not even alone with her at any point.

DP called out her lie but we were also at first very sympathetic. I was heartbroken and worrying if I’d inadvertently done something to make her feel unwelcome or upset in our home.

So DP and I had a long discussion and he reassured me that he thinks I am wonderful with his children and he has no concerns from that perspective but we still needed to get to the bottom of why she’s saying these things.

He calls her and tries to reassure her she’s always welcome here, it’s her home top etc etc.

Throughout the whole conversation she wasn’t really interested in talking about it and he could hear her whispering back and forth with her DM but couldn’t work out exactly what they were saying.

DP was about to finish up the conversation and said “Well if there’s anything we can do to make you feel happier or more comfortable then let us know” to which SD replied “I want this coat from Zara. It’s only £50 and mum said you will have to buy it because she bought me some trainers last week that were £50 so it’s only fair”.

DP replied that she already had a coat but SD said apparently she doesn’t have a school coat. DP gave his Ex £250 towards uniform for his DDs in August as he said he’d split the cost with her but she hasn’t bought nearly enough items e.g. 1 jumper, 1 skirt for the youngest and eldest only needed some new shirts.

He said to SD that no, mum can buy it as he’s already given her the money to purchase these items and he can’t afford to keep giving out money endlessly.

SD then started with the manipulation “But dad, do you want me to be cold in the winter? Would you really let your little girl freeze? What if it snows?”

Again DP said “I’ve already given your mum the money to buy these things, you’re going to have to ask her”. So SD starts repeating that DP said if there’s anything he can do to make her happy she should tell him, so she is. She said she’s so upset I “told her to leave and didn’t make her welcome” and a new coat would make her forgive him and me.

I’m astounded. The worst part is that eldest SD also then joined in the conversation and said she thinks it’s disgusting that DP has set a limit of £200 for Christmas because “you can’t get anything decent for that amount, and I know it’s her that’s set it. This isn’t you, you’re letting her be the boss. She acts like she owns the place”.

I’m devastated.

True we’re set a lower limit this year but it’s been a hard year financially for us as a family. I was furloughed for 4 months, we’ve also bought a bigger house so finances are a bit tighter than normal. DP explained this to them but they’ve continued to vilify me.

I’m hurt and confused. I’m just the easy target to blame because they’re not getting things their own way.

Eldest SD knows she’s fucked up and has hurt my feelings because although she hasn’t apologised she’s been texting me nicely and offered me a lipstick she got as part of a set which is a colour she knows I like.

Youngest is being indignant and outright rude to DP and truthfully I’m dreading her coming here tonight. I will be as normal with her but I also don’t want to let her lies about me slide or for their to be no consequences. She’s in secondary school, not a very young child and I think she needs to know it’s not ok and she’s hurt my feelings.

How would you approach this? My DCs are at their dad’s house tonight and I almost feel like going to stay at my mum’s house so I don’t have to be here. I’m very hurt by the lies but also quite angry too.

At 16 most teens have a job. I appreciate that’s tough in Covid times.

Your DH would be better just buying the uniform himself.

She obviously isn't contributing her share. At least the dc will get everything they need.

It sounds like the dc are being manipulated by the mum. It would be a horrible position to be in and the dc probably feel guilty for being friendly towards you.

Unfortunately they are also learning her behaviour.

@Tiredoftattler

To: Asofanearyou: This situation is not about a coat , and the lying is not about a coat. It has everything to do with the father- daughter relationship and what they each feel comfortable saying to each other. The issue of money became central because the OP raised : CS/CM , the mom's money management skills, and her 4 month furlough as justification for the dad not buying the coat. It has to be difficult for a child to be in a situation where they are expected to temper their age normal request around so many adult issues over which they have no control and little need to be involved in those matters. If the adults in their lives have such animosity, it is little wonder that the kids do not have more issues than telling an occasional but certainly unacceptable lie. Why would the children be more mature than their adult role models?

Is there ever a situation in which a minor child should be made to feel uncomfortable asking a parent for anything? The parent may or may not provide that which is requested.

So why can't she ask her mum?

The op has said they can't afford it. Why do you doubt that in times like these?

@1234whatsfortea

I don't agree I think £440 is actually not a lot for two teenage kids. It will cover their food and accommodation costs. £250 for two teens school uniforms which include shoes or trainers etc will just about cover it. £125 each take away shoes or trainers at probably around £50-60 pound then the rest and you might struggle to get a winter jacket with that. If he has brought them up wearing certain brands etc then that's how it should continue. He should half any extras as they are HIS children. It's no wonder the kids feel a certain way when you have just bought a bigger house but suddenly grudge every penny given to them. Fathers should be able to give gifts of clothing, treats etc without the 'He pays enough maintenance' argument. Put yourself in the mums position. How the children treat you is another matter however given how you seem obsessed with money being spent on them I think it's reasonable they will pick up on this and treat you accordingly.

Presumably you think the new house has a money tree? I’ve not doubt you’d be equally outraged if the SC had to share rooms. £200 is not a pittance, neither is £250. These girls have two parents. They are of an age where they don’t need constant supervision, Mum needs a job not more cash from OP’s DP.

@Tiredoftattler I never used my furlough as an excuse to not buy the coat at all, I mentioned that we’ve set a budget of £200 per child for Christmas due to this year being financially more different due to my furlough and house purchase among otter things.
To be clear I have not and did not tell DP what to spend on his children and did not have any part in his decision to not purchase the coat. DP said he is unwilling to purchase it because 1.) she already has a coat, 2.) He has already contributed more than his fair share towards the uniform costs and so he feels it’s down to his ex to purchase any additional items that his contribution did not cover.

The cost is not an essential item anyway, she has a coat. It is a luxury item she wants and DP is not unreasonable to say no.

You can only afford what you can afford OP. DSD has two parents, the coat isn’t the issue, that will pass and move to something else. The DSD’s sound spoilt and entitled. Sounds like your OH has been trampled on and not set any boundaries.

He needs to learn to say no, stop giving all the extras.

If I were you I wouldn’t share finances with OH. It sounds like you’re bankrolling this by way of the house. Your efforts are wasted.

@SpongebobNoPants

To put it into perspective DP has given in excess of £2.5k to his ex between maintenance and extra items in the last 3 months. Let alone all of the continual costs he bears such as phones, school dinners etc as well. We cannot afford to simply be an endless pot of money.

Well love hes an idiot then

He doesn’t need to engage with his ex at all. She gets the amount agreed, pays what’s agreed and no more

Don’t answer calls, block texts, leave it to email only and don’t reply to anything unless he wants to. If it’s asking for money, ignore.

If the kids start, they are both old enough to be told No. and Tough, still No.

Stop engaging in this bs.

I know it’s hard, my oh has had it with his lot, they’re raised to treat him like a walking wallet and the excuses get worse and worse

Dadddddyyyyyyy!

All falls on deaf ears now. It been a long training exercise but it’s working

Things like Halloween costumes are their mother’s choice, he’s under no legal obligation to match fund, and the child maintenance pays for that kind of thing.

This is solvable, remove most of the putting you on the spot ways they can communicate and get him to wait and discuss it at home before responding

It’ll really help him with the much needed boundaries

And absolutely go out so you’re not there, if you don’t want to be, don’t be there

@LyingDogsLie1

You can only afford what you can afford OP. DSD has two parents, the coat isn’t the issue, that will pass and move to something else. The DSD’s sound spoilt and entitled. Sounds like your OH has been trampled on and not set any boundaries.

He needs to learn to say no, stop giving all the extras.

If I were you I wouldn’t share finances with OH. It sounds like you’re bankrolling this by way of the house. Your efforts are wasted.

DP has learnt to say no. For the first time in his life he is debt free and financially stable and he’s really keen to stay that way. However his kids and ex obviously don’t see that, all they see is DP learning to budget and being more sensible with his outgoings and it appears they’ve decided I’m to blame? SDs haven’t gone without anything and DP is happy to split all their costs, but he is being firm about stopping them taking advantage of him.

We partly combine finances... we have a joint account we put money into but we still have our own personal accounts too.

The way we have split it is because I have used my savings to buy the house then DP contributes more to the joint account than me and will do until his contribution has matched mine. If we were to split before this point then I keep the house and he will get a proportionate amount of the increase in equity since the purchase to the amount he use contributed. So I’m not being taken for a ride in that sense at all, I’m been sensible!

Excuse the typos... I’m on a conference call 🤦🏼‍♀️

@MzHz thank you

I mean you’re being taken for a ride in that you are enabling this to some degree - by bearing a larger burden of the houses expense. DH would likely have larger living costs if not for that.

You are just an easy target for your DSD’s, probably repeating poison being dripped from the DM. I would take no notice and let DH address it. But at the same time, any privileges or nice treatment from you should stop. You’re still a person and deserve respect, especially in your own home.

Thank you @LyingDogsLie1 I really don’t feel like going out of my way for them anymore.
What my SD said wasn’t even a misunderstanding of what I had said, it was a complete fabrication of a conversation which did not in any way take place.
It’s made me worried if I were to be left alone with her and she decided to lie again, then it would be my word against hers. And the general narrative is that kids should always be believed, stepmums can be cruel etc and I’m worried I wouldn’t be believed.

I’m going to avoid being alone with her for a while that’s for certain

I don’t think it would be unreasonable at all to let them know how much they have hurt you and they will need to work to repair the damage done. This doesn’t need to be done in an emotionally manipulative way (they are kids after all, who are often compulsive and hurtful).
It is possible you will fester and spiral if you don’t somehow lay your cards on the table and let them know how what they said has effected you. I do not believe for one minute that this gives them any power. But it does let them know that there is a line and it has been crossed. How they deal with this will be the interesting part (esp bearing in mind that teenage girls can be quite unrepentant at the best of times!) you all need to move forward from this ‘high’ point.
The money is the dads issue, as is the coat, as is the limits he has/wants to spend on them.

It’s not the coat, or how much you’re spending at Christmas - what it is that when asked how to make things better dsd demanded an expensive bribe. I too would be hurt op. They are both old enough to know that these are unique times, you are all lucky to be healthy, have food in the table and three adults who love and can provide for them. I hope the 16 yr old has a word with her little sister and tells her how unreasonable she is being. Meantime, polite and never alone. Good luck.

To : Spongebobnopants:
I think that the girl asked for something trendy that many teenage girls would want. I am not sure that I would see a second winter coat as a luxury , but dad has every right to say no. You mentioned all of that financial data as justification for his particular financial straits.

My thoughts remain the same. You might feel less agitated if you gave less thoughts to how his ex handles money and recognize that neither of you know with any certainty what are the circumstances in her home . Absent some concern about child abuse, your focus should be on your household rather than her household.

If the 2 of you are finding life to be financially challenging trying to support a household of 6 , maybe nature is providing a wakeup call about the wisdom of trying to blend this particular configuration.

You have every right to be angry about the lie that was told, but it seems that was a one off. Children should be taught to be truthful always. However, I think that he should make any decisions concerning finances, Xmas ,etc as relate to his children and you should do the same as related to your children. Clearly, the way that you are doing things now is not bringing any harmony into your household.

As relates to the house purchase, that was not done for any reason other than to accommodate 6 people rather than 3 people. His children were not the intended beneficiaries any more than your children. You wanted a house to comfortably accommodate a family of 6. Assumedly, he was providing comfortable surroundings for the 3 of them prior to that time.

I think maybe that the stressors in your relationship are not caused by his daughter's typical and age appropriate request but more from the fact that available finances do not seem consistent with an easy merging of the 2 households.

If you have or had a prior positive relationship with the 14 year old, you can simply say that you were hurt by the lie and let it go. Anything else should be her father's to handle.
Children should be comfortable making any requests of their parents and whose to say that she had not already asked her mom.

If there are issues with the mom and your partner , that is for them to resolve. There is no real reason for you to be involved in that situation. Once again, if you are not comfortable with the way that he handles things with his ex, that might be yet another indicator that this would not be a good time to marry or blend.

Loving someone does not always mean that living together is a great idea. Living apart would in no way diminish what you feel for each other ,but it would limit what you need to experience related to his relationship with his ex or his children. It does not seem that the larger home has brought any of you closer together.

Also I would like to point out that mum isn’t single and struggling either. She has partner who lives with her.

SDs are lucky they have 4 adults loving and providing for them.

@Tiredoftattler

To : Spongebobnopants: I think that the girl asked for something trendy that many teenage girls would want. I am not sure that I would see a second winter coat as a luxury , but dad has every right to say no. You mentioned all of that financial data as justification for his particular financial straits.

My thoughts remain the same. You might feel less agitated if you gave less thoughts to how his ex handles money and recognize that neither of you know with any certainty what are the circumstances in her home . Absent some concern about child abuse, your focus should be on your household rather than her household.

If the 2 of you are finding life to be financially challenging trying to support a household of 6 , maybe nature is providing a wakeup call about the wisdom of trying to blend this particular configuration.

You have every right to be angry about the lie that was told, but it seems that was a one off. Children should be taught to be truthful always. However, I think that he should make any decisions concerning finances, Xmas ,etc as relate to his children and you should do the same as related to your children. Clearly, the way that you are doing things now is not bringing any harmony into your household.

As relates to the house purchase, that was not done for any reason other than to accommodate 6 people rather than 3 people. His children were not the intended beneficiaries any more than your children. You wanted a house to comfortably accommodate a family of 6. Assumedly, he was providing comfortable surroundings for the 3 of them prior to that time.

I think maybe that the stressors in your relationship are not caused by his daughter's typical and age appropriate request but more from the fact that available finances do not seem consistent with an easy merging of the 2 households.

If you have or had a prior positive relationship with the 14 year old, you can simply say that you were hurt by the lie and let it go. Anything else should be her father's to handle.
Children should be comfortable making any requests of their parents and whose to say that she had not already asked her mom.

If there are issues with the mom and your partner , that is for them to resolve. There is no real reason for you to be involved in that situation. Once again, if you are not comfortable with the way that he handles things with his ex, that might be yet another indicator that this would not be a good time to marry or blend.

Loving someone does not always mean that living together is a great idea. Living apart would in no way diminish what you feel for each other ,but it would limit what you need to experience related to his relationship with his ex or his children. It does not seem that the larger home has brought any of you closer together.

Omg put down the armchair psychology manual

Have you got everything house wise in writing just in case they ramp it up

What vile spoilt and rude girls!! They are going to grow up to be right charmers!!! Dont let them in your house until they properly apologise! And as for the money I would never dream of spending £200 on each at Xmas and £50 for a coat is rediculous!!!

I'd be polite but very distant this weekend OP, and I wouldn't do anything/cook/clean for them. They are old enough to realise that their actions have consequences and to know that they have hurt you.

Why not change things so that your partner buys half of what they need rather than handing cash to his ex, that isn't being spent on them? Or give an allowance for clothes etc directly to them.

@Tiredoftattler you seem to reading what you want to fit your narrative.

Our finances are fine, £200 per child for Christmas does not make us poor, unable to provide for them or financially unstable. We have just decided due to the big expenses incurred this year and the effect of Covid that we will set a reasonable limit.

We have more than enough to cover our bills but due to buying the bigger home and subsequent decorating we do not have a tonne of expendable cash for luxuries. We do not need to split up or live separately because we think buying SD an extra coat that she wants (note - does not need) is a luxury
She is 11, she does not need 2 winter coats.
My other SD is 15 nearly 16, there are no 14 year olds in our household.

It was the 11yo who lied, the 15yo said she was annoyed we set a £200 limit for Christmas.

His children were not the intended beneficiaries any more than your children. You wanted a house to comfortably accommodate a family of 6. Assumedly, he was providing comfortable surroundings for the 3 of them prior to that time

Well of course all of the children were the intended beneficiaries, we wanted them to have enough space and a nice home. DP’s previous home was a run down rental property in a bad area of the city, his children have benefitted the most from this home as picked it due to being on their school bus route and close to their mums house

If there are issues with the mom and your partner , that is for them to resolve. There is no real reason for you to be involved in that situation. Once again, if you are not comfortable with the way that he handles things with his ex, that might be yet another indicator that this would not be a good time to marry or blend

Again it appears you have not read my posts at all. I have said several times throughout this thread that I do not get involved with how he organises or deals with things with his ex. I do not have anything to do with what goes on. I posted the background of what he has been dealing with and how the children have now dragged me into the dispute.
They seem to blame me for him setting boundaries or saying no. But these are his decisions, not mine. I can only support him in what he decides.

My post wasn’t about finances as such, as I’ve said several times that’s up to him to sort out. My concern is 11yo SD making up lies about me and how do I tackle that.

@Tiredoftattler

This situation is not about a coat , and the lying is not about a coat. It has everything to do with the father- daughter relationship and what they each feel comfortable saying to each other.

She told the lie and when he asked if there was anything he could do to make her feel better, she said buy that coat. I'm sorry but the coat was not nothing to do with the lie. She didn't just "make an age typical request", she did so in the context of suggesting he should do so to make up for what she falsely claimed OP said. It should not be excused as such as just teenagers asking for stuff, it was more than that.

Now of course I sympathise if she was being told to say it by her mum but whether it came from mum or daughter, it was still inappropriate and should be shut down so as not to teach the children that lying about someone doing something to upset you to manipulate an apology gift is not something that will be rewarded.
It is perfectly reasonable to object to buying something for a child due to the behaviour around it, not just whether or not you can afford it. This lie, and moaning about the amount spent at Christmas are both examples of bad behaviour and I would respond to both by spending nothing or less (for the Christmas example).

And while it is a normal thing for a teenager to ask for, it is also a perfectly normal thing for a parent to say no to. I would not have been bought more than one coat as a teenager unless I had grown out of the last one. They have no genuine cause for complaint when it comes to their father spending money on them, from what OP described. They are simply behaving badly or being manipulated into behaving badly by their mother.

There are lots of very good reasons not to indulge the children materially, but I really don't see why there's any justification for pretending their attitude towards money isn't rude and, following this lie, very bad behaviour, even if we do consider it unsurprising due to their mother's influence. It is bad behaviour that should not be indulged nonetheless.

His children were not the intended beneficiaries any more than your children.

Except OP already had an adequate home for her children?

@LyingDogsLie1 exactly