DSD lying about me

[SpongebobNoPants]

I’ve posted here before with regards to the situation with my DSDs and their DM. But for those who haven’t read my previous threads I will give you a quick summary of my situation so you’ve got some background.

I have 2 DCs and my DP has 2 DCs also. We’ve been together 5 years, live together, are engaged to be married and have no plans to have any children together.

My SDs nearly 12 & nearly 16. For the most part I we get along fine and I have (or thought I had) a particularly close relationship with the oldest.

Their DM is extremely money orientated and will only contact DP when she is demanding money. I say demand because that is literally what she does. He pays CMS, for mobile phone contracts, bus passes, uniforms, school bus passes, school dinners, haircuts - this list goes on.., yet his ex constantly asks for more.

Recently it’s ramped up a notch and it’s getting silly, such as “I bought DD a Halloween costume for £7 so you need to give me £3.50”. It’s incredibly draining and I try to stay out of it and have as little contact with his Ex as possible.

However, now my SCs seem to be lying and trying to manipulate DP to get him to spend more money.

Last weekend we had an awful situation where his youngest completely fabricated a conversation between me and her and she told DP “Bob doesn’t make me feel welcome. She told me I had to leave the house and that it’s not my home, it’s only her children’s home”

Firstly I would NEVER EVER say anything like that! I love my SCs and show them so much love and care whilst they are with us. Also when I’m alleged to have said these things my DP was with us in our kitchen and I was not even alone with her at any point.

DP called out her lie but we were also at first very sympathetic. I was heartbroken and worrying if I’d inadvertently done something to make her feel unwelcome or upset in our home.

So DP and I had a long discussion and he reassured me that he thinks I am wonderful with his children and he has no concerns from that perspective but we still needed to get to the bottom of why she’s saying these things.

He calls her and tries to reassure her she’s always welcome here, it’s her home top etc etc.

Throughout the whole conversation she wasn’t really interested in talking about it and he could hear her whispering back and forth with her DM but couldn’t work out exactly what they were saying.

DP was about to finish up the conversation and said “Well if there’s anything we can do to make you feel happier or more comfortable then let us know” to which SD replied “I want this coat from Zara. It’s only £50 and mum said you will have to buy it because she bought me some trainers last week that were £50 so it’s only fair”.

DP replied that she already had a coat but SD said apparently she doesn’t have a school coat. DP gave his Ex £250 towards uniform for his DDs in August as he said he’d split the cost with her but she hasn’t bought nearly enough items e.g. 1 jumper, 1 skirt for the youngest and eldest only needed some new shirts.

He said to SD that no, mum can buy it as he’s already given her the money to purchase these items and he can’t afford to keep giving out money endlessly.

SD then started with the manipulation “But dad, do you want me to be cold in the winter? Would you really let your little girl freeze? What if it snows?”

Again DP said “I’ve already given your mum the money to buy these things, you’re going to have to ask her”. So SD starts repeating that DP said if there’s anything he can do to make her happy she should tell him, so she is. She said she’s so upset I “told her to leave and didn’t make her welcome” and a new coat would make her forgive him and me.

I’m astounded. The worst part is that eldest SD also then joined in the conversation and said she thinks it’s disgusting that DP has set a limit of £200 for Christmas because “you can’t get anything decent for that amount, and I know it’s her that’s set it. This isn’t you, you’re letting her be the boss. She acts like she owns the place”.

I’m devastated.

True we’re set a lower limit this year but it’s been a hard year financially for us as a family. I was furloughed for 4 months, we’ve also bought a bigger house so finances are a bit tighter than normal. DP explained this to them but they’ve continued to vilify me.

I’m hurt and confused. I’m just the easy target to blame because they’re not getting things their own way.

Eldest SD knows she’s fucked up and has hurt my feelings because although she hasn’t apologised she’s been texting me nicely and offered me a lipstick she got as part of a set which is a colour she knows I like.

Youngest is being indignant and outright rude to DP and truthfully I’m dreading her coming here tonight. I will be as normal with her but I also don’t want to let her lies about me slide or for their to be no consequences. She’s in secondary school, not a very young child and I think she needs to know it’s not ok and she’s hurt my feelings.

How would you approach this? My DCs are at their dad’s house tonight and I almost feel like going to stay at my mum’s house so I don’t have to be here. I’m very hurt by the lies but also quite angry too.

Oh, OP, how horrible for you. Tonight, be civil etc. Tomorrow, can you go out for the day/meet a friend/see a film etc? Come home in time for dinner and Strictly.

@mangoandraspberries thank you, that’s how I feel.

@HelloDulling I’ve got my children back tomorrow afternoon and I’m also going to collect our new family pet... a lovely rescue dog! So I’ll plenty to keep me occupied.
It’s just tonight I’m worried about. I’m feeling so anxious about it all I actually feel physically sick.

Is your partner truly adverse to buying a second coat for his daughter? Fair or not , many teenage girls want and often have more than 1 coat

Did many teenage girls get many coats as a reward for lying?.
If she wanted a coat from Zara she should have behaved appropriately, she didn't so no she doesn't get a Zara coat unless her mum pays for it because her dad has boundaries and expectations of behaviour that don't involve lying to get stuff. As any parent should

[quote SpongebobNoPants]@mangoandraspberries thank you, that’s how I feel.

@HelloDulling I’ve got my children back tomorrow afternoon and I’m also going to collect our new family pet... a lovely rescue dog! So I’ll plenty to keep me occupied.
It’s just tonight I’m worried about. I’m feeling so anxious about it all I actually feel physically sick.[/quote]
Ah, I see. Hmm. It’s hard to know what to do for the best. I suppose you need to be the bigger person. But sometimes I hate that.

Honestly if you're genuinely coming from a place of concern and love for the kids then I accept that. These threads sadden me when posters start the whole tell her this and that and stop giving this. Their is children at the heart of these threads who for whatever reason feel resentful and hurt and whether it is justified or not, it is still how they are feeling and sometimes a sit down with the parent and reminder that they are still a priority and are loved is more important than a jacket. I also don't think it's fair to write them off as manipulative and all about money. They are obviously feeling a certain way about their position in your household and their father should address this and you should give them the space and privacy to do so. I'm at an advantage of not being in your position and appreciate to is all complex and difficult. Please also remember some people are giving you terrible advice based on their own spiteful feelings towards maybe their partners ex and it shows as they never think of the underlying issue which is what is causing the children to act up etc.

Did many teenage girls get many coats as a reward for lying?.
If she wanted a coat from Zara she should have behaved appropriately, she didn't so no she doesn't get a Zara coat unless her mum pays for it because her dad has boundaries and expectations of behaviour that don't involve lying to get stuff. As any parent should

Exactly. How anyone could take from that behaviour that OP is obsessed with money being spent on them and why not just buy her the coat, is beyond me.

DP actually said he’ll buy it for Christmas but not “just because” as she’s already got a coat and he’s already given money to mum for a school coat.

Anyway this post wasn’t supposed to be about the money, I was simply trying to explain a bit of background info so people had a clear idea of the contributions DP makes towards them and their overall attitude to expenditure. But they’re DP’s issues to deal with, not mine.

My problem is with her lying about me, pretending I’ve said things I haven’t and insinuating I’m mean to her All of which is untrue.

The day I’m supposed to have said those things she turned up at our house unexpectedly with her friends, I made them snacks and gave them drinks to take back to the park with them etc. They popped in 3 or 4 times throughout the day to use our toilet and get drinks which I was happy to help with, chatted with them about what they were up to and gave them some money to get sweets from the shop. I can’t see how any of that is unwelcoming?

@LouiseTrees

You can’t afford 50 quid. Well then you really are in dire straits then! Hopefully someone will give you some advice. Did you buy the bigger house just pre Covid?

I expect a large amount of people can't just magic up £50

You are very rude

OP have you written about this before? I ask only because the Halloween costume rang a bell...

If so I thought your DP was going to start paying for things directly rather than just handing over money to his eXW. What happened to him doing that?

TBH your DP needs to take some responsibility here. He is a parent, and that means he needs to parent his children to the extent that they are left in no doubt as to the fact that lying is unacceptable and won’t be tolerated, and that demanding money on a constant is not acceptable either,and that he is not financially obliged towards them other than for necessities, and everything extra is at his discretion but can easily be curtailed if their behaviour warrants it.

He then needs to take more control of the money and take them out shopping for the things they need rather than just handing over the money to his ex. If that means he takes them school uniform shopping then so be it.

That way the children will get what they need, the ex will get her maintanence, and hopefully the children will have a lesson in how not to behave.

i would also tell them in no uncertain terms that their behaviour will take them into their future lives, and that others most definitely will not be as tolerant of it as he and their mum are, so they might want to think on the impression they want to make, especially the sixteen year old as she’s now entering adulthood.

And FWIW I am a first wife, and I wouldn’t tolerate my child speaking to anyone like that, and certainly not behaving like a spoiled brat as these two are.

They’re old enough to learn right from wrong, and to have consequences for doing wrong...

They are obviously feeling a certain way about their position in your household and their father should address this and you should give them the space and privacy to do so
Honestly, I don’t believe they actually do feel this way though. They usually jump at the chance to come over here and in particular, to spend time with me. I put as much time and effort into my relationship with them when they are here as I do my own DCs.
I can’t even pop to the shops or go for a walk around the block without one or both of my SCs wanting to come with me.
But they are extremely money orientated and I strongly suspect (due to the request for this new coat) that it was a manipulative ploy.
They know if they make their dad feel guilty about something then he’s more likely to give in to their requests.

But I am so so hurt that they’re dragged me into their dispute as I’m just a bystander really. I go out of my way to make them welcome, to my own detriment sometimes.

I just don’t feel like being overly nice or cooking etc for them right now.

@AlternativePerspective thank you

@AlternativePerspective yes I have, I posted before about DP’s Ex misappropriating money DP has given for specific items and pocketing the cash. It happens regularly

@1234whatsfortea the people posting from the POV of a step mum are not any more spiteful than the people on the other side of the fence, you are coming across as very biased by saying that again and again.

Nobody is saying don't pay her anything, they are saying this isn't working and he should look at a more concrete arrangement. It's very easy to dismiss people as "squabbling" over money until you're in that position and it is actually affecting you financially. Then it becomes far less practical to just always say yes to any request for money purely because you care about the children, no matter how excessive it is and how little you can afford it. And actually, despite all that the main reason he shouldn't buy her the coat isn't actually anything to do with his finances or his ex. It is because she specifically asked for it as a reward for lying, and it would be bad parenting to say yes.

I think your DP should tell the ex straight:
"I want receipts to show the £500 spent on school clothes" then when it comes up short, she can buy the coat.

If SD continues to insist or, by some miracle, the ex can show the £500 then he can say "I'll buy you the coat but it comes out of your £200 for Christmas" (I notice he's already said he will do this, which is fair enough, make sure she knows it)

Going forward, I would suggest your DP ask for receipts for everything from ex before giving money, make her prove she has spent this on the kids. And then, if she gets arsey, start to get him to take off things: "okay, that's £100 so it's £50 each. However the phone bills for the girls come up to £40 which I paid, so taking off the £20 you owe me, here is £30" and just make her start paying her half too.

@User43210

I think your DP should tell the ex straight: "I want receipts to show the £500 spent on school clothes" then when it comes up short, she can buy the coat.

If SD continues to insist or, by some miracle, the ex can show the £500 then he can say "I'll buy you the coat but it comes out of your £200 for Christmas" (I notice he's already said he will do this, which is fair enough, make sure she knows it)

Going forward, I would suggest your DP ask for receipts for everything from ex before giving money, make her prove she has spent this on the kids. And then, if she gets arsey, start to get him to take off things: "okay, that's £100 so it's £50 each. However the phone bills for the girls come up to £40 which I paid, so taking off the £20 you owe me, here is £30" and just make her start paying her half too.

WWIII would kick off he asked for receipts, she’s not the most reasonable woman to deal with unfortunately. Once he asked her to forward the results of his DDs Covid test and she went ballistic and began sending threatening messages about me. This is what I’m dealing with on that front. I don’t ever get involved, I don’t need the drama.

But the lies have really stung. I know I need to be the grown up here but I really don’t want to do anything nice for them this weekend or put myself out for them because they don’t seem to care.

It's my opinion. I haven't demanded she does anything unlike some on here who have given terrible advice that will only inflame the situation. If she regularly posts about this then it's about time she took all your terrible advice and act on it otherwise what's the point of you getting annoyed with me about it?
I have given her a different viewpoint. What do you all want to hear. The ex is a manipulative, money grabber and so are the kids! The step mum is completely innocent victim here blah blah

@1234whatsfortea

It's my opinion. I haven't demanded she does anything unlike some on here who have given terrible advice that will only inflame the situation. If she regularly posts about this then it's about time she took all your terrible advice and act on it otherwise what's the point of you getting annoyed with me about it? I have given her a different viewpoint. What do you all want to hear. The ex is a manipulative, money grabber and so are the kids! The step mum is completely innocent victim here blah blah

Why do you think she's not innocent? What has op said that gives you that impression?

Op I think you're doing the right thing taking a step back. Dps ex is like this and the only thing he's been able to do is be firm and remain consistent. And unfortunately that does include saying no to DSS!

I'd sit down with them
Show that mum gets maintenance
Show that mum gets extra for x and y

That you can only share what you have and that you're both really upset with these guilt trips and love and money.

Don't talk about how much you earn, etc that's non of their business. But be clear the government asks dad to pay x and we give x ontop for all these extras. But tbh I'd put stop

I remember your last thread. Your husband knows that money given to her isn't going to be spent on the children so she is now manipulating them to find another way to money out of him.

The children are probably being put in a horrible position buy their mum. The things they said aren't on and you shouldn't be spoken to that way. I wouldn't go away unless it's something you want to do anyway.

Your partner needs to pay the minimum maintenance and then shop with his children for whatever they need. He could take them out once a month, or order bits online. He needs to be proactive in this and be more than a cash machine. Let them see him putting the effort in, they probably have no clue how much he hands over.

Did they ever get their bus pass he paid for?

The one thing I really disagree with, you didn't buy a house big enough for your step children. You bought somewhere suitable for a family of 6. Nobody in that family is an add-on and shouldn't be made to feel that way.

This isn't my thread please go back to giving unbiased bad advice to the OP on her problems. Please all have a lovely weekend with your step children

@SpongebobNoPants if you posted about that covid test at the time, I may remember (vaguely) reading it.

Do DP needs to say, firmly and calmly, "receipts or I do not pay" no money beforehand (unless urgent) and no money until he has the receipt and can see it is what has been purchased for DSD.

She can kick off as much as she wants, but her wallet will take the battering until she does this.

And I'm pretty certain she cares about the money more, if she has nothing to hide and spends the money as she states, then she should have no problem.

To: Asofanearyou:
This situation is not about a coat , and the lying is not about a coat. It has everything to do with the father- daughter relationship and what they each feel comfortable saying to each other.
The issue of money became central because the OP raised : CS/CM , the mom's money management skills, and her 4 month furlough as justification for the dad not buying the coat. It has to be difficult for a child to be in a situation where they are expected to temper their age normal request around so many adult issues over which they have no control and little need to be involved in those matters. If the adults in their lives have such animosity, it is little wonder that the kids do not have more issues than telling an occasional but certainly unacceptable lie.
Why would the children be more mature than their adult role models?

Is there ever a situation in which a minor child should be made to feel uncomfortable asking a parent for anything? The parent may or may not provide that which is requested.

*Did they ever get their bus pass he paid for?

The one thing I really disagree with, you didn't buy a house big enough for your step children. You bought somewhere suitable for a family of 6.
Nobody in that family is an add-on and shouldn't be made to feel that way*

Yes we got the bus pass sorted and got the extol to bill mum for it directly as we’d already given her the money.

Sorry @lunar1 I think you’ve misunderstood. I owned a house previously, DP did not - he rented a very small house. My previous home was adequate for me and my children. I then sold my home and bought a larger home specifically so DP’s kids could have their own room and we could all live together. That’s what I mean by I bought a bigger house for his children. His kids are aware of this and know I paid the entire deposit for our home.
They are not “add-ons” at all.

Your DP needs to stop giving cash to the Mum. If he’s going to contribute, ask for receipts and spilt it. Or otherwise he should just buy stuff directly.

Why does your SD differentiate between a “school coat” and other coats? Is she Kim K?