DSD lying about me

[SpongebobNoPants]

I’ve posted here before with regards to the situation with my DSDs and their DM. But for those who haven’t read my previous threads I will give you a quick summary of my situation so you’ve got some background.

I have 2 DCs and my DP has 2 DCs also. We’ve been together 5 years, live together, are engaged to be married and have no plans to have any children together.

My SDs nearly 12 & nearly 16. For the most part I we get along fine and I have (or thought I had) a particularly close relationship with the oldest.

Their DM is extremely money orientated and will only contact DP when she is demanding money. I say demand because that is literally what she does. He pays CMS, for mobile phone contracts, bus passes, uniforms, school bus passes, school dinners, haircuts - this list goes on.., yet his ex constantly asks for more.

Recently it’s ramped up a notch and it’s getting silly, such as “I bought DD a Halloween costume for £7 so you need to give me £3.50”. It’s incredibly draining and I try to stay out of it and have as little contact with his Ex as possible.

However, now my SCs seem to be lying and trying to manipulate DP to get him to spend more money.

Last weekend we had an awful situation where his youngest completely fabricated a conversation between me and her and she told DP “Bob doesn’t make me feel welcome. She told me I had to leave the house and that it’s not my home, it’s only her children’s home”

Firstly I would NEVER EVER say anything like that! I love my SCs and show them so much love and care whilst they are with us. Also when I’m alleged to have said these things my DP was with us in our kitchen and I was not even alone with her at any point.

DP called out her lie but we were also at first very sympathetic. I was heartbroken and worrying if I’d inadvertently done something to make her feel unwelcome or upset in our home.

So DP and I had a long discussion and he reassured me that he thinks I am wonderful with his children and he has no concerns from that perspective but we still needed to get to the bottom of why she’s saying these things.

He calls her and tries to reassure her she’s always welcome here, it’s her home top etc etc.

Throughout the whole conversation she wasn’t really interested in talking about it and he could hear her whispering back and forth with her DM but couldn’t work out exactly what they were saying.

DP was about to finish up the conversation and said “Well if there’s anything we can do to make you feel happier or more comfortable then let us know” to which SD replied “I want this coat from Zara. It’s only £50 and mum said you will have to buy it because she bought me some trainers last week that were £50 so it’s only fair”.

DP replied that she already had a coat but SD said apparently she doesn’t have a school coat. DP gave his Ex £250 towards uniform for his DDs in August as he said he’d split the cost with her but she hasn’t bought nearly enough items e.g. 1 jumper, 1 skirt for the youngest and eldest only needed some new shirts.

He said to SD that no, mum can buy it as he’s already given her the money to purchase these items and he can’t afford to keep giving out money endlessly.

SD then started with the manipulation “But dad, do you want me to be cold in the winter? Would you really let your little girl freeze? What if it snows?”

Again DP said “I’ve already given your mum the money to buy these things, you’re going to have to ask her”. So SD starts repeating that DP said if there’s anything he can do to make her happy she should tell him, so she is. She said she’s so upset I “told her to leave and didn’t make her welcome” and a new coat would make her forgive him and me.

I’m astounded. The worst part is that eldest SD also then joined in the conversation and said she thinks it’s disgusting that DP has set a limit of £200 for Christmas because “you can’t get anything decent for that amount, and I know it’s her that’s set it. This isn’t you, you’re letting her be the boss. She acts like she owns the place”.

I’m devastated.

True we’re set a lower limit this year but it’s been a hard year financially for us as a family. I was furloughed for 4 months, we’ve also bought a bigger house so finances are a bit tighter than normal. DP explained this to them but they’ve continued to vilify me.

I’m hurt and confused. I’m just the easy target to blame because they’re not getting things their own way.

Eldest SD knows she’s fucked up and has hurt my feelings because although she hasn’t apologised she’s been texting me nicely and offered me a lipstick she got as part of a set which is a colour she knows I like.

Youngest is being indignant and outright rude to DP and truthfully I’m dreading her coming here tonight. I will be as normal with her but I also don’t want to let her lies about me slide or for their to be no consequences. She’s in secondary school, not a very young child and I think she needs to know it’s not ok and she’s hurt my feelings.

How would you approach this? My DCs are at their dad’s house tonight and I almost feel like going to stay at my mum’s house so I don’t have to be here. I’m very hurt by the lies but also quite angry too.

I would stick to your guns about not being alone with them.
Maybe a sit down when they get there, all four of you and explain that lying is not acceptable and this behaviour was very hurtful.

Not a step parent but I was a step child and what happened was nasty.

@TikTakTikTak

I would stick to your guns about not being alone with them. Maybe a sit down when they get there, all four of you and explain that lying is not acceptable and this behaviour was very hurtful.

Not a step parent but I was a step child and what happened was nasty.

I mean the lying and bribery was nasty ^

What is very apparent now is that everything else aside the OP is allowing total strangers to call her step daughter's all sorts of names throughout this thread but obviously she is a devoted step mum would she allow people to call her kids spoilt brats and vile! Can a teenage girl not make a mistake (that's if she really did). Really OP you think it's acceptable to encourage people to refer to two children you are supposed to love as vile? Some of the replies on here are vile based on a one sided story.

I bet she won't be telling their dad all the horrible shit people have said about his children.

I think DHs question was too advanced for an 11 year old. At that age they are still very literal, so being asked "what can I do to make you happy" sounds like an offer of a nice treat. She didn't understand the cultural meaning of this phrase, which really means "I am not offering anything, this is just a nice way to end a conversation," that an adult would understand and say, "oh, I don't need anything but thanks for the offer."

To Asofanearyou:
The fact that you were reared to only get a new coat once you had outgrow the old coat does not make that the standard or only acceptable family policy. Perhaps your parents were frugal not all parents are so limited or limiting, and it is not a question of the father not having the right to say "no.' He has done so and I would assume that issue has been resolved.

Children are neither spoiled or selfish for asking for whatever they want. A good parent decides as to their response and moves on.

The OP has added an almost itemized summary of what goes into the ex's household and a good bit of conjecture about how it is spent.

The OP is right to be offended by the lie but beyond that , I fail to see how any of the rest of it really involves her. The resolution of the father - daughter relationship is between father and daughter. The resolution of issues between her fiance and his ex is between the fiance and his ex. The number of winter coats that any child should have is determined in the individual's parents are there are no absolute right or wrong numbers; it is up to every parent to decide what they are willing to provide. No child is better because they have only 1 coat and no child is less than because they may have 5 winter coats.
Children who are taught values and hard work generally grow up to be responsible adults. It is the teaching and not the number of trinkets and toys that make the difference.

What manipulative little madams and I'm not surprised you are hurt.

I think this advice is spot on;

"I don't discuss finances with you kids. It's none of your business. If your mother has any issues, tell her to contact me directly."

"You already have a coat. I'm not discussing it further."

Other than that I think that you're DH really needs to deal with the children directly when they come over tonight. He needs to tell them that he was there the whole time and knows what they said about your wasnt true. He needs to tell them that they were out of order and very hurtful and they need to apologise to you and ensure they follow through with that. He needs to tell them that the request for a coat to prove he loves them was blatant manipulative drama that he will not tolerate and that he will not buy that coat. Point out again that she already has a winter coat and that he gave money to her mother to buy clothing and any requests like a school coat go to her not him. He needs to tell them that if he hears another word of how ungrateful they are about Christmas that they won't get Christmas presents from him on principal because he raised them to be polite mature young women not bratty little girls.

Your job and your only job to do is to be pleasant and polite, accept their apology with grace and to cook an average neither awful nor special meal tonight and make sure that you aren't left alone with them. Maybe even suggest in advance with DH that you discretely use your mobile's recording app if there is a situation that can't be helped and you end up alone with them for a bit e.g. he goes to the loo.

Any bratting from them gets handled only by their father not you and is come down upon like a ton of bricks. Please feel free to send him any helpful posts from this thread and ensure he know what is needed of him in advance of tonight.

He also needs to put ironclad boundaries in place with the ex, no matter how much she whinges and brats - for everybody's sake including for the benefit of the girls who it seems are currently learning how to manipulate people and that material gain is key, from the expert, their mother. No. More.

Thank you @TikTakTikTak.
I was lucky enough to have my parents stay together but my 2 childhood best friends had stepparents and I remember how much their negative behaviour affected my friends. I really do try to be kind and nice to them always.
I would hate for them to dislike me or feel unwelcome.

But I can’t be a doormat either. I’m finding it hard to find the balance. They’re clever kids, they know exactly what they’re doing by saying these things about me

@Tiredoftattler Did you read anything I wrote? Of course there isn't a right or wrong amount of coats. Of course the daughter is not spoilt for asking for a coat, but the older daughter is displaying spoilt/rude behaviour by complaining about not enough being spent on her at Christmas, and the younger daughter is being very badly behaved and hurtful, not to mention manipulative, by lying about OP and using the opportunity to ask for a second coat. The second coat is linked to behaviour by virtue of how she brought it up and should be refused on that basis, not because it is morally too many coats.

You're the only one being so literal as to think OP herself is heavily involved. Everyone else has accepted that she has only mentioned the background to describe what her partner is dealing with, as it is natural and common for partners to discuss and possibly even advise each other on their concerns. I have not tried to imply that OP herself should decide how much is spent on them, I have just suggested how I think the situation should be handled by the appropriate people.

@1234whatsfortea how on earth do I have any control over other posters’ replies
I have not called my SC any names or insulted them. Not once!
I have repeatedly explained that I have usually have a very good relationship with them and I treat them with love and care always. I have never been mean to them or treated them badly, I actually go over and above to make them happy.
I’m incredibly hurt by their actions recently though.

I'm gobsmacked by some replies and I am a stepdaughter who hated my step mum for a few years.
But your SD behaved appallingly. It was deliberately deceitful, deliberately hurtful and mercenary.
I don't see how it's a one off either as she was so shameless about it.

At 14 I wouldn't have been able to look you in the eye after lying about you and would have expected an absolute bollocking for that, no way would I have felt entitled to ask for a new anything at the end of the conversation.

Loving your SCs is one thing but you're understandably hurt and angry by really bad behaviour that I imagine your own kids wouldn't get away with.

I don't see a poor vulnerable child I see a teenager with an attitude problem. Your parents splitting up doesn't give anyone the right to behave like a dishonest, spiteful, brat.
That's not name calling it's an accurate description of her behaviour.

I'd be livid. Absolutely livid.

[quote SpongebobNoPants]@MzHz thank you[/quote]
You’re welcome love :)

WWIII would kick off he asked for receipts

LET war break out! It needs to break out actually so you can (you being you and do) finally put this terrorist in her place.

The whole reason these situations continue is because good people don’t want a fuss. It’s not seemly or the done thing

My oh exes are all lah-di-dah (or have cultivated themselves to be) and the stories they’ve pumped out over the years to extort money are absolutely ridiculous. The worst thing is when they manipulate the kids to get at him. Latest ex is totally blocked on phone, office knows not to connect calls, blocked on text, and if she emails he reads but ignores

It has resulted in her backing off completely and she doesn’t try anything at all. Her DD has started now, but that’s being dealt with sensibly too now.

He shuts them all down now, they never get all of what they ask for, and anything above and beyond what he had to provide as part of court order now they’re older and all education degrees etc paid for is No, it’s your mother’s turn.

Went down like a bag of spanners, but this stuff literally turns nice kids into awful adults.

Don’t stand for this in your own home. You bought this house with them in in mind and a bit of tough love is needed to put his ex in her place and frankly explain to the girls that they are welcome, they always were, but you won’t have stories made up, you’re not finding their every whim and if that’s offensive to them, so be it.

Thank you @lilmishap

I am guessing your SDs are trying their luck. Most kids try manipulative behaviour and many will lie at some point in their life to get what they want. This is very normal and given they have parents who do not have an easy relationship they have more of an opportunity than most.

It is completely understandable that you are hurt but I would not be too hard on them. Personally I would not engage in a debate about what happened (never enter into a he-said-she-said type argument with teenagers!) just make it clear you were very hurt about the untruths that were told and it is never ok to lie to get what you want, but you still love them very much and hope that you can all move on from this. Be the bigger person and hopefully they will learn a clear message from this episode without being punished/vilified. Leave any money discussion to their dad.

I would also be careful not to be alone with them for a while....

All teens are capable of lying.
But this really does fall outside of that.

Why wasn't she embarrassed about being confronted about a conversation she made up? I got caught lying a few times and sometimes I tried to get out of it by lying more. Teens do that.

But I always knew I'd been caught because you can feel the heat in your face and you're wincing. Its an awful feeling of shame, so I wouldn't have had the balls to ask for anything. It's odd that she did. It's a worrying lack of remorse.

@lilmishap I’ve posted many times on here over the years about my concerns with younger SDs lack of empathy or remorse. It’s something that deeply troubles me.
Look up my current username and you’ll be able to see a few threads I’m sure

@SpongebobNoPants

To put it into perspective DP has given in excess of £2.5k to his ex between maintenance and extra items in the last 3 months. Let alone all of the continual costs he bears such as phones, school dinners etc as well. We cannot afford to simply be an endless pot of money.

I wouldn't say that 2.5k is as outrageous as you think as it works out circa £100 per child and for teens that probably isn't a huge amount given that everything clothes wise etc is more costly, foods, social activities and clubs costs etc.

@SoloMummy you don’t think £5k is excessive to be spent on the children over 3 months? Because that’s what it equates to if their mother is contributing equally, and that is only for the time they are with her and her home. We also provide a home and have bills etc related to their care such as food, housing costs etc on top of the £5k.

£2.5 grand over three months, not 12.

I have 2 DCs also and I think that’s an astronomical amount

Jesus Christ. Kicking a 5 yr old in the face, innapropriate dressing, bullying and the language she's using is really disturbing.

Something needs to change and no it is absolutely not because her parents split up. Have social services ever been involved? She's really not being parented properly at home and it is worrying that she's now lying about you.

I'm so sorry for you all. No advice but jesus.

RE the other threads the police won't scare her, she'll lie or say the right thing and then wear it as a badge of honour.

She's gorgeous, funny, smart, popular and also violent, dishonest and manipulative. Does she steal?
Alcohol?
Smoking?
Boys/men?
If not I think you already that's where she's heading.

It really comes across that you do care about this girl, it's so sad that she can't be trusted not to accuse of you and other family members of terrible things. But she can't be trusted not to, so you have to go all in with parenting or be very cautious and watch it escalating while keeping everyone else out of any trouble she brings.

Neither option is attractive or easy. But you're absolutely right to be troubled.

Does she steal?
Yes, a lot of little stuff. Or deliberately will take things that are meaningless / useless on their own but will render the larger item it came from unusable so we can only assume she takes these things deliberately to stop other people using them.
For example we have lots of craft sets and she has taken things like the little pestle & mortar and pipette from a make-your-own perfume set.
Or the laces out of my DD’s favourite pair of trainers.

Luckily she’s only 11 at the moment so we’ve not encounters problems with substances or smoking / alcohol.
She’s very boy orientated already though, but her older sister at nearly 16 isn’t interested in boys really yet... which is relief because she’s also drop dead beautiful and old enough to start dating 😅

Oh gosh I remember those threads now! So this is in keeping with her patterns of behaviour. Crikey, no advice just empathy.