DSD lying about me

[SpongebobNoPants]

I’ve posted here before with regards to the situation with my DSDs and their DM. But for those who haven’t read my previous threads I will give you a quick summary of my situation so you’ve got some background.

I have 2 DCs and my DP has 2 DCs also. We’ve been together 5 years, live together, are engaged to be married and have no plans to have any children together.

My SDs nearly 12 & nearly 16. For the most part I we get along fine and I have (or thought I had) a particularly close relationship with the oldest.

Their DM is extremely money orientated and will only contact DP when she is demanding money. I say demand because that is literally what she does. He pays CMS, for mobile phone contracts, bus passes, uniforms, school bus passes, school dinners, haircuts - this list goes on.., yet his ex constantly asks for more.

Recently it’s ramped up a notch and it’s getting silly, such as “I bought DD a Halloween costume for £7 so you need to give me £3.50”. It’s incredibly draining and I try to stay out of it and have as little contact with his Ex as possible.

However, now my SCs seem to be lying and trying to manipulate DP to get him to spend more money.

Last weekend we had an awful situation where his youngest completely fabricated a conversation between me and her and she told DP “Bob doesn’t make me feel welcome. She told me I had to leave the house and that it’s not my home, it’s only her children’s home”

Firstly I would NEVER EVER say anything like that! I love my SCs and show them so much love and care whilst they are with us. Also when I’m alleged to have said these things my DP was with us in our kitchen and I was not even alone with her at any point.

DP called out her lie but we were also at first very sympathetic. I was heartbroken and worrying if I’d inadvertently done something to make her feel unwelcome or upset in our home.

So DP and I had a long discussion and he reassured me that he thinks I am wonderful with his children and he has no concerns from that perspective but we still needed to get to the bottom of why she’s saying these things.

He calls her and tries to reassure her she’s always welcome here, it’s her home top etc etc.

Throughout the whole conversation she wasn’t really interested in talking about it and he could hear her whispering back and forth with her DM but couldn’t work out exactly what they were saying.

DP was about to finish up the conversation and said “Well if there’s anything we can do to make you feel happier or more comfortable then let us know” to which SD replied “I want this coat from Zara. It’s only £50 and mum said you will have to buy it because she bought me some trainers last week that were £50 so it’s only fair”.

DP replied that she already had a coat but SD said apparently she doesn’t have a school coat. DP gave his Ex £250 towards uniform for his DDs in August as he said he’d split the cost with her but she hasn’t bought nearly enough items e.g. 1 jumper, 1 skirt for the youngest and eldest only needed some new shirts.

He said to SD that no, mum can buy it as he’s already given her the money to purchase these items and he can’t afford to keep giving out money endlessly.

SD then started with the manipulation “But dad, do you want me to be cold in the winter? Would you really let your little girl freeze? What if it snows?”

Again DP said “I’ve already given your mum the money to buy these things, you’re going to have to ask her”. So SD starts repeating that DP said if there’s anything he can do to make her happy she should tell him, so she is. She said she’s so upset I “told her to leave and didn’t make her welcome” and a new coat would make her forgive him and me.



I’m astounded. The worst part is that eldest SD also then joined in the conversation and said she thinks it’s disgusting that DP has set a limit of £200 for Christmas because “you can’t get anything decent for that amount, and I know it’s her that’s set it. This isn’t you, you’re letting her be the boss. She acts like she owns the place”.

I’m devastated.

True we’re set a lower limit this year but it’s been a hard year financially for us as a family. I was furloughed for 4 months, we’ve also bought a bigger house so finances are a bit tighter than normal. DP explained this to them but they’ve continued to vilify me.

I’m hurt and confused. I’m just the easy target to blame because they’re not getting things their own way.

Eldest SD knows she’s fucked up and has hurt my feelings because although she hasn’t apologised she’s been texting me nicely and offered me a lipstick she got as part of a set which is a colour she knows I like.

Youngest is being indignant and outright rude to DP and truthfully I’m dreading her coming here tonight. I will be as normal with her but I also don’t want to let her lies about me slide or for their to be no consequences. She’s in secondary school, not a very young child and I think she needs to know it’s not ok and she’s hurt my feelings.

How would you approach this? My DCs are at their dad’s house tonight and I almost feel like going to stay at my mum’s house so I don’t have to be here. I’m very hurt by the lies but also quite angry too.

[DeeCeeCherry]

I'm flabbergasted reading this. So many similar stories, too. You all must have known the score before marrying & living with these men.

Perhaps you imagined your marriage/moving in together would make a difference but really, betting on potential and assumed outcome is not wise. As you see. The only one that can change dynamics is the man. Likely he won't want to upset his DCs though and has some guilt at no longer living with them. So if he's always been a 'walking wallet' then that's their usual dynamic.

Whilst it's good to go over it on MN, ultimately I doubt there'll be any change because change relies on someone else ie Dad/Husband - not you.

Must be hard to live with though. The DDs have been learned from both sides that materialism and 'things' are the be all and end all.

[Zuzu5]

Time for DP to put his foot down. Use the CMS calculator on the website and just pay that. That is his obligation, not a penny more. If he gets anything extra for his girls then he buys it for them directly, no more handing cash to Ex who spends it on herself. That's just outright stupid.
And you're right in detaching. Go to your mums for the weekend whilst DP has a firm talking to girls. Lying and manipulating is unacceptable in your house and for that they are made to do X chores and apologise to you. Manipulative behaviours like saying to DP how he can let his little girl freeze in winter and a coat makes up being treated like not part of the family needs nipping in the bud now or they will be horrible humans. You can't control the Ex or who the girls take after but you can certainly control how much you're involved and what DP and you teach them

[AlreadyGone44]

What about he pays expenses directly. Ie with the uniform he would spend £250 then tell Ex I got abc, girls still need xyz so that can come out of your half. Or give his half of excursion costs directly to the school.

[EmeraldShamrock]

Yanbu. He has been more than reasonable.
I'd be really hurt too by DSD I hope it was worth it you'll be forever wary never comfortable again.
He needs to stick with no she needs a job too.

[AliceMcK]

@LouiseTrees

You can’t afford 50 quid. Well then you really are in dire straits then! Hopefully someone will give you some advice. Did you buy the bigger house just pre Covid?

What the fuck?

[SandyY2K]

I wasn’t going to bring this up because I’ll get accused of being judgemental... but no, she doesn’t work. She did have a part time job around 3 years ago but they wanted to make the position full time and she decided working 9-5 was too much for her so she quit and hadn’t worked since.

So 3 years ago both her children were in school, yet working full time was too much.

I'm perplexed by women who want to go through life depending on others to financially support them.

This is what daughters see and often grow up doing the same thing...depending on men to financially support them...and the cycle repeats.

I don't have sons and it's always been important for me that my DDs see that I work...I jointly contribute financially to their upbringing and to our household.

[MeridianB]

Where appropriate maintenance is paid, the mother’s income would usually have no bearing on discussions in the NRP’s house.

Unless....she is lying about where money for the children is going (the bus, the school uniform, the coat) asking for more cash all the time and encouraging her children to do the same.

Your DH is heroic if he never points out to his daughters that their mother could increase her own income and buy them Zara coats. And she is setting an interesting example to them. No need to work, just ask a man every time you want something.

[Pinkyxx]

@SpongebobNoPants I've read some of your other threads on this situation. I feel awful for you, there are clearly some very difficult dynamics. It all sounds exhausting.

I have to take back my comment that I see this my side - my daughter would never behave this way - I wouldn't allow it. Fine she has issues with her Dad / Step Mum and never adjusted to the blending of their families (which is sad imo) and did used to deliberately bait her SM at times in the past but nothing like what are describing. FWIW she created that drama all by herself with no encouragement from me (in fact, it was me who addressed the issue). It's a reaction to her objecting to the whole thing, but regardless of whether she finds it hard that doesn't justify poor behavior. Your situation is very different.

You say you normally get on really well with your DSDs and all is well but honestly, reading some of your post threads - there is a theme.. Some of the things you describe are really concerning behaviors! Making up lies about you seems to be the most thing in a long series of things. Your not unreasonable to be upset, by this but I do feel this is part of a much bigger issue which isn't being dealt with which has nothing to do with you (i.e. between your DP / his ex / their kids). You' seem to be the 'pawn' in this latest saga, and I don't under-estimate how hurtful it is.

May I ask were the children like this pre-divorce?? i.e manipulative?, playing parents off each other?

[SpongebobNoPants]

@SandyY2K

Does his Ex have a job?

I'm sorry that some posters are making up nonsense or to suit their narrative.

I wasn’t going to bring this up because I’ll get accused of being judgemental... but no, she doesn’t work. She did have a part time job around 3 years ago but they wanted to make the position full time and she decided working 9-5 was too much for her so she quit and hadn’t worked since.
From my understanding she has never worked, even before she became a mum.

[MinnieJackson]

@1234whatsfortea I don't think op sounds spiteful at all.

[SandyY2K]

Does his Ex have a job?

I'm sorry that some posters are making up nonsense or to suit their narrative.

[SandyY2K]

1234whatsfortea

Can a teenage girl not make a mistake

You mean can a teenage girl not make a false accusation? Because what she did is not a mistake. Nobody makes up a lie like that by mistake. It was deliberate and to think otherwise is ridiculous.

The child knows she lied...and asking if there was anything to make her more comfortable... was not a pass to ask for whatever. She is old enough to understand that. I'm not buying the argument that she's not old enough to understand the question....unless she has learning difficulties.

I've got a 7 year old niece who would absolutely know what that meant, but she wouldn't tell such a lie in the first place.

I know kids can lie to get themselves out of trouble...as do adults... but this was a lie intended to show OP in a bad way and is unfair. Such lies do not deserve a reward.

I don't understand why some people want to justify and excuse this kind of behaviour in children. It's no wonder you have so many entitled and ungrateful children.

I post objectively here and have no bias towards stepmums or first wives.

[MzHz]

It’s upsetting that I’m being blamed. It’s quite literally nothing to do with me

And if this isn’t being roundly dealt with by your DP, then you really have got a DP problem.

Explain to him that you’re not the bad guy, never was, but if he’s going to allow it in anyway, then you’re voting with your feet, or rather he’d better look for accommodation elsewhere

[MzHz]

But DP’s problem lies with the fact that his continually asked to pay twice and their mum isn’t contributing her fair share towards these costs and expects DP to cover it all.

Then it stops. It all stops. Outside of the agreement there is nothing UNLESS he wants to offer it.

If they ask, it’s no

If she asks he literally just needs to ignore.

It’s the only thing that works when the situation has got to this stage

[SandyY2K]

£200 per child for Christmas does not make us poor, unable to provide for them or financially unstable

This is a more than generous budget. In fact it's a high amount IMO.

When you said you only had a £200 budget...I was thinking what's the problem.

The maintenance he pays is adequate...it's not small as some have suggested.

[FantasticButtocks]

It sounds like your stepchildren are partly playing this game in order to please, or not displease, their mother. And partly taking advantage of their mother's demanding manipulations to get something, the coat, that can be seen as a 'win'.

They then come round to yours and behave normally towards you, which is probably a demonstration of their real feelings.

Sometimes dcs can feel like they are not free to have, or at least be seen to have, a decent relationship with a step-mother because they get a sense from their own mother that this is somehow a betrayal of loyalties.

In your position this weekend I'd speak to your dsds with your dh present, and say we are both very sad that you have told lies about @SpongebobNoPants and we don't understand why. But if you do it again we are going to fall out.

Your DH could also take the opportunity to explain and clarify his thoughts about the coat, and how asking for a new Zara coat was not what he meant when he asked if there was anything to make them feel more welcome! He could talk to them about love and money not being related etc. And he could also point out that telling hurtful lies about someone we all love is not a good way to try to get material things for yourself.
Hope the weekend goes ok

[SpongebobNoPants]

@bluerad she’s only 15, she’s 16 next month.
But no I don’t think you can do that and I don’t it’s right to pay the children directly either as their mum will have bills to pay in relation to DCs living with her.
As I’ve stated several times in my posts, there is no issue whatsoever with paying the CMS and for all the extras the kids needs. It is the morally right thing to do!
But DP’s problem lies with the fact that his continually asked to pay twice and their mum isn’t contributing her fair share towards these costs and expects DP to cover it all. This expectation has spilled into his relationship with his children who are now blaming me for him saying no or setting boundaries.

It’s upsetting that I’m being blamed. It’s quite literally nothing to do with me

[bluerad]

If the child is 16 can't the maintenance be paid to her and not the mum..

[SpongebobNoPants]

@Pinkyxx I’m also a first wife, I have 2 DCs of my own (not my DP’s). I can assure you that @Tiredoftattler hasn’t taken the time to read my posts properly and has cherry picked parts to suit her own narrative, I’ve had to reply to her and correct her on her inaccurate assumptions and quotes on this thread several times.
Please feel free to read all of my posts to gain a better understanding of the situation and read how many times I have stated that I love these children and my only concern is them fabricating stories about me.

[Bollss]

[quote Pinkyxx]@Tiredoftattler

I'm a first wife and I find your posts incredibly wise advice. You clearly understand the dynamics incredibly well. I completely agree with your read of this. I've seen it time and time again with my DD / her Dad & step Mum.[/quote]
Stop projecting.

[MeridianB]

@Dreading2020sSeasonFinale

Christ on a bike this thread really shows how some posters will read only what they want, ignore the rest and make up everything else just so they can spew a load on nonsense, vilify the OP and spout their armchair psychology which is, in fact, a complete crock of shit.

As others have said, and I believe I said it on a previous post too, if you can, get your DP to start physically buying stuff himself. Or buy half where possible. School shoes from you guys and the mum has to buy the trainers. Coat, PE kit and underwear from you guys, school shirts, jumpers and skirts from mummy. Or pay for the stuff, keep receipts and take the mother's contribution from the maintenance. And keep the kids informed. At 11 and 16 they are old enough to grasp the concept of halving costs.
They've been convinced that because dad isn't buying X, Y and Z, that he's not providing adequately yet haven't seen that their mum hasn't paid for anything at all. Shes used all the money given to her for them and spent a fraction, keeping the rest. She's pushed the focus away from herself.

They have two parents and two parents must provide for their children. Remind the kids of that.

Just RTFT and remember your previous ones @SpongebobNoPants.

I totally agree with @Dreading2020sSeasonFinale - I am stunned at some of the nasty, twisted contributors on here.

Please feel supported by the others, who have offered kind and constructive advice.

I think DP needs a serious talk with them about the seriousness of lying and ensure an apology to you.

He should also have a talk about money to explain that he gives it to their mother, pays for a tons of stuff on top and why the only £200 for Christmas?!’ is disgusting,

Most importantly, I totally agree with the advice in dreading’s post about broader arrangements for money. DP should absolutely stop giving the mother extra. Buy his part of the school uniform and refer his children to their mother for the rest.

Hang in there. Hope this weekend is lovely for you all.

[LyingDogsLie1]

That’s £10K per year on disposable income (on top of maintenance) so assuming you’ve realised that the girls Mum also has a financial responsibility to them - that’s £20k? You really think £20k is reasonable??

The average salary in the uk is £29k? There’s kids growing up without food ffs.

[Pinkyxx]

@Tiredoftattler

I'm a first wife and I find your posts incredibly wise advice. You clearly understand the dynamics incredibly well. I completely agree with your read of this. I've seen it time and time again with my DD / her Dad & step Mum.

[Dreading2020sSeasonFinale]

And yes, NEVER be alone in a room with them. The 11 year old could escalate the lie into something worse.

[Dreading2020sSeasonFinale]

Christ on a bike this thread really shows how some posters will read only what they want, ignore the rest and make up everything else just so they can spew a load on nonsense, vilify the OP and spout their armchair psychology which is, in fact, a complete crock of shit.

As others have said, and I believe I said it on a previous post too, if you can, get your DP to start physically buying stuff himself. Or buy half where possible. School shoes from you guys and the mum has to buy the trainers. Coat, PE kit and underwear from you guys, school shirts, jumpers and skirts from mummy. Or pay for the stuff, keep receipts and take the mother's contribution from the maintenance. And keep the kids informed. At 11 and 16 they are old enough to grasp the concept of halving costs.
They've been convinced that because dad isn't buying X, Y and Z, that he's not providing adequately yet haven't seen that their mum hasn't paid for anything at all. Shes used all the money given to her for them and spent a fraction, keeping the rest. She's pushed the focus away from herself.

They have two parents and two parents must provide for their children. Remind the kids of that.