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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Sick and tired of feeling like we are never allowed to enjoy time without SC

153 replies

CrankyFrankyHoot · 13/10/2020 16:22

Am I being unreasonable?

I feel like my husband refuses to do anything fun unless my SC are here with us.

I get big things like holidays but we can't even take our child out for the day without him feeling guilty or suggesting we do it another time when SC are here.

For example, we went out to a little town for a walk around when it wasn't our day and there were some boats you can ride down the river. I suggested we do it and he was all 'we'll come back when we have SC and do it then hey?' (I argued against this and said we are allowed to have fun when they aren't here but still, it annoys me that he's always doing this).

Surely our child is allowed to enjoy time with us when their siblings aren't here?

We do plenty all together but I do think it's important for us to do some things as well on our own so we aren't just sitting around waiting for the next contact day all the time before we can go anywhere.

OP posts:

Szyz2020 · 13/10/2020 16:26

You’re absolutely not being unreasonable. Next time take your child in the boat or whatever yourself and leave your husband standing on his own. Your step kids presumably don’t sit round doing nothing when they’re at their mum’s house?

Szyz2020 · 13/10/2020 16:27

And even if they did do nothing at their mum’s that’s not your problem.

Original poster

CrankyFrankyHoot · 13/10/2020 16:28

@Szyz2020

This is the thing, I could take them on my own but I want DH to be involved. I want them to have some memories at least of us doing things together with their dad involved.

OP posts:

RatherBeRiding · 13/10/2020 16:29

Agree 100% with szyz - ask your DH if he thinks his child doesn't do fun activities with his mum but rather waits until he's at yours?

Ridiculous - you still have to live your lives day to day when SC isn't with you and in the meantime your other child is missing out.

RatherBeRiding · 13/10/2020 16:30

What does he say when you challenge him? It's good that he wants to have family fun with all the children but the thing is that they don't all live together all the time, so inevitably there will be events that SC miss, and your DC miss with their SC!

Pumpertrumper · 13/10/2020 16:33

This would really irritate me.

SC’s lives don’t stop when they aren’t with you so why should yours? I’d also firmly take it to mean that DH doesn’t feel like you and DC aren’t ‘enough’. As a parent I understand that DH constantly feels his other children are missing but from your point of view it must feel like you’re a bit of a let down on your own.

It’s the main reason I’d never have a child with someone who already had kids

Pumpertrumper · 13/10/2020 16:33

*are

drspouse · 13/10/2020 17:08

We have two DCs and often take one of them out to do something when they'd enjoy it more/it would be more practical just to take one/one of them needs some one-to-one time. Your DH is being very U.

Songbird232018 · 13/10/2020 17:11

I fee your pain here not from my OH but my MIL And SIL are both very judgey when my OH and I do things with our son and the other kids aren't here. We get lots of comments and remarks or when we buy my little boy Stuff it's very quickly followed by 'what about the other 3?'

We have had some really arguments over it. I imagine it's even worse being your partner, I would just do things yourself with your child or get family friends to come with you. He will soon feel bad he's missing out. If he wants to sit in a dark room till his kids are back then let him! Hugs though xx

ithinkiveseenthisfilmbefore · 13/10/2020 17:18

You need to talk to him about this calmly but firmly when you're both at home and relatively calm. This is not on. Your DC is not meant to be sat on a shelf having minimal fun until and unless his DCs are there.

Your DC has 2 parents and is entitled to make memories with those parents, with or without your DH's other children. This would be true if they lived with you fulltime as well.

Does he honestly think his children don't do things with their mother?

Gardengoddess · 13/10/2020 17:27

How awful for you and your dc, I agree with the poster above, a firm conversation would be happening.

Some people are always banging on about everything having to be equal when step children are involved even when it's to the detriment of resident dc.. it really gets my goat

LiveFromHome · 13/10/2020 17:30

Surely even in non-blended families with multiple siblings, there are occasions when the parents will go and do something fun with only 1 or 2 of the children rather than all of them?

He needs to get a grip.

Magda72 · 13/10/2020 17:51

Surely even in non-blended families with multiple siblings, there are occasions when the parents will go and do something fun with only 1 or 2 of the children rather than all of them?
Precisely!
Posts like this really make my blood boil (for op & her dc). Where does it say that all family members (blended or otherwise) have to move about together in a herd - all the time??? Ffs!
I have 3 dc & I have done days out/concerts/city breaks with two or one of them (as well as all 3) depending on age/activity etc.
This notion that life has to stop when the sdc are in their other home is ridiculous & damaging to the resident dc.
As a pp said - he needs to get a grip & stop being influenced by nrdad guilt.

MeridianB · 13/10/2020 19:03

Totally agree with all the comments saying this is unfair and YANBU.

So many good points made here - put them to you DH and hopefully he will see sense.

Tiredoftattler · 13/10/2020 23:17

I do girls day out with both girls. I do mother daughter outings with just my daughter. He does guys day out with both boys. I do mother son outings with just my son and he does dad son day with just his son. We do many activities with everyone. There are enough days in a year and enough available outing options so that all configurations can be worked out.
I think it works best if no one is counting or keeping a tab. The kids enjoy the activities and no one feels left out. We also all travel together but we also travel with only our own bios.

I am very comfortable taking all of the kids without him and he will also take all of the kids without me. If we call it a family event or outing , we plan around time when all of the kids are available. If it is spur of the moment, it may be only those available at the time or one of the configurations described above.
No one counts outings in our house and no one is slighted

Clearly, the OP's husband was fine with their little out of town walk about. It seems as though he wanted to limit the child fun component to a day when all of his children would be present. That does not seem unreasonable. He saw something that all of the children would enjoy and said let's wait to do that particular thing to a time when all of the children are available to do it.

A boat ride seems to be something that the older kids would enjoy more than a younger child.

If OP wants the experience to be a solo experience for her child, why not make it a mommy and me outing? That way, the experience does not have to be deferred or delayed.

ShinyGreenElephant · 13/10/2020 23:26

This would really annoy me too. My DH sometimes isn't keen on doing days out with me, my DD and our joint DD if DSD isn't there but I think that's a bit more understandable - our older DDs are the same age and his gets very very jealous of mine living with her dad and is hyper vigilant for any sign that he loves my DD more (he definitely does not). Fair enough and I happily have days out with my two with friends or family or just us 3. We do however do things just me, DH and toddler DD, and I wouldnt be at all impressed if he said we had to wait around for the SC every time.

Giespeace · 14/10/2020 06:08

If OP wants the experience to be a solo experience for her child, why not make it a mommy and me outing?

I don’t think she does at all. She just doesn’t want her child’s “fun component” stopped until the blessed golden DSC are present. Which also doesn’t seem unreasonable.

Straven123 · 14/10/2020 06:21

If it is guilt induced could DH have some counselling to get a more balanced attitude?

aSofaNearYou · 14/10/2020 10:47

YANBU. Imagine growing up with one of your parents constantly trying to prevent anything fun from happening when it's only you there. What is that going to do to your joint child?

dontdisturbmenow · 14/10/2020 10:51

I have 3 dc & I have done days out/concerts/city breaks with two or one of them (as well as all 3) depending on age/activity etc.
It is different though if the reason why the other doesn't join is because they wouldn't enjoy it.

A better comparaison would be if one of your child was at a sleep over and you picked that day to do something they'd really enjoy too but then tell them they were at the sleep over and the other kids are allowed to have fun when they're not there.

What upset me as a kid when my dad and SM did something I would have loved to do to when I wasn't around wasn't them doing it but having to hear all about it when I did visit. My sister would get all excited telling me all about it, then family it friends would ask about the say, my dad and SM recounting it, my sister joining the conversation and I experience a huge sense of not belonging.

I think it's about reasonableness and balance. I can understand his position if you'd previously spoken about going on a river boat with his kids and that it would be something you would do together.

Very different to going there on that day, seeing you could go on the boat at that time, and having never discussed the activity with the kids before or them never hi ting it is something they'd enjoy.

aSofaNearYou · 14/10/2020 10:53

*Clearly, the OP's husband was fine with their little out of town walk about. It seems as though he wanted to limit the child fun component to a day when all of his children would be present. That does not seem unreasonable. He saw something that all of the children would enjoy and said let's wait to do that particular thing to a time when all of the children are available to do it.

A boat ride seems to be something that the older kids would enjoy more than a younger child.

If OP wants the experience to be a solo experience for her child, why not make it a mommy and me outing? That way, the experience does not have to be deferred or delayed.*

You think it doesn't sound unreasonable to "limit" your own child's fun so they can never experience anything remotely exciting happening spontaneously? Or they can only happen with dad looking on disapprovingly from the sidelines because he doesn't think they should be having fun? With respect, if you have that mindset you haven't considered the effect that consistent attitude will have on OPs child and his relationship with his dad.

Original poster

CrankyFrankyHoot · 14/10/2020 11:03

To clarify, the boat wasn't planned. We walked past it when out, it was completely spontaneous. My step children hadn't expressed a desire to go on a boat and so I booked a boat trip whilst they weren't there.

I guess some things just seem different than others.

If my step children expressed a desire to go to X place, or X concert, no I wouldn't then book to take my child when they were at their mums. That's very different though imo to a spontaneous boat trip you just happened to walk past or just a random 'the weather is nice, shall we go to the beach today?' kind of trip.

Yes I'm sure my step children would have liked the boat, or to go to the beach on a hot day but they weren't there so what are you supposed to do? We can go again some other time if they are bothered.

And I don't really think walking round a town classes as my DC getting a fun trip out 😂

Is it okay for my SC to come round and tell us all about the theme park they went to with mum? Or how they went bowling with their mum and step dad etc...? But my DC absolutely must keep their mouth shut about any fun they had when they weren't there.

OP posts:

FizzyGreenWater · 14/10/2020 11:45

And what would he think if you said that you weren't happy about all the experiences your SC had with your DH without your child there, and it's not fair that they had all those years extra, and he needs to be doing two fun activities a day with your LO to make up for it until he's caught up?

And then you furrow your brow and say oh no, hang on, older SC has also had more fun times than younger one so we need to do X number of activities with only yonger SC there too, to even it all up.

See? Ridiculous isn't it.

Yes you need to make sure that your own child has normal memories of everyday fin times that just happen. NOT memories of all the times they are just with their parents being 'We can't have fun'. I can't think of any better way to foster resentment among siblings.

Oh and do remind him that the SC are also not allowed to do anything with their own mother, as your child won't be there so that's also not 'equal'...

BigChocFrenzy · 14/10/2020 11:59

"It seems as though he wanted to limit the child fun component to a day when all of his children would be present. That does not seem unreasonable"

Sounds VERY unreasonable to deliberately deny a child "fun"
whether spontaneous or planned,
just because of siblings living elsewhere - and probably enjoying their own fun

Does he want to put their joint child on a shelf, only to be taken down when the SC are present ?

BigChocFrenzy · 14/10/2020 12:00

He shouldn't be a fun sponge to one of his children

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