Sick and tired of feeling like we are never allowed to enjoy time without SC

[CrankyFrankyHoot]

Am I being unreasonable?

I feel like my husband refuses to do anything fun unless my SC are here with us.

I get big things like holidays but we can't even take our child out for the day without him feeling guilty or suggesting we do it another time when SC are here.

For example, we went out to a little town for a walk around when it wasn't our day and there were some boats you can ride down the river. I suggested we do it and he was all 'we'll come back when we have SC and do it then hey?' (I argued against this and said we are allowed to have fun when they aren't here but still, it annoys me that he's always doing this).

Surely our child is allowed to enjoy time with us when their siblings aren't here?

We do plenty all together but I do think it's important for us to do some things as well on our own so we aren't just sitting around waiting for the next contact day all the time before we can go anywhere.

If you distill the OP's experience down to its essence, it comes down to a couple out enjoying a sunny day and encountering a nice boat ride situation. The 1 child that is with them does not.ask to go for a boat ride. The wife says let's take Suzy for a boat ride. Dad says let's not do it today instead let' s come back on Saturday when Suzy, Sally ,and John can all go for the boat ride.

By waiting until Saturday , Suzy gets to have the same experience as do Sally and John. As far as we know, none of the children have expressed an interest or desire to have a boat ride. So, none of them are feeling cheated or denied.
The husband, however has been maligned and vilified for simply saying let's wait a day or 2 and bring all of the children. No.child has been denied anything in which they expressed an interest and all will have the opportunity to go for the boat ride .

In what possible world does this make the husband a bad or indifferent father? A man with 3 children is providing all of them with an experience in which none of them have expressed an interest. He is maximizing a situation in which he has a limited amount of time and trying to use that time to provide what may or may not be a fun experience for all.

The. OP is parent to only one of the children. The husband is father to 3, and has to think in terms of the best way to utilize his time as relates to his 3 children and his restricted access. In this particular instance, it seems that he decided on the best usage of his limited time for fun with all of his kids.

Again, all of the kids will get a boat ride , and doing it on Saturday vs Tuesday is not harming any of the kids.
Feelings may have been hurt, but it was not the feelings of any of the kids. A lot of people are co-opting anger or denial that none of the children are feeling.

I would be among the first to condemn real neglect or marginalization of any child, but that is not the case in this particular situation. I see a father simply trying to make the best use of time.

Kids suffer so much unnecessary angst, nothing good comes from creating problems where they do not exist.

@Tiredoftattler

His time with his resident child isn’t limited the same way though. What you are saying is that his fun experiences should be restricted to the lowest amount of time spent with any of his children (ie. contact time with NRC).
Why? He’s Dad 100% of the time, not just EOW or whenever be has his eldest child.

Why should OP have to limit these things as if she were a separated mother who only had her child EOW too? Or do these things alone instead of as a family (yes they are still a family even without SC present).
Why isn’t his youngest child deemed worthy of his time on their own?
That’s why people are upset.

His time with his resident child isn’t limited the same way though. What you are saying is that his fun experiences should be restricted to the lowest amount of time spent with any of his children (ie. contact time with NRC)
For a start, it's not like they've stayed home. They went out and the child got to enjoy looking around with both his parents and can be assumed a nice meal,maybe an ice-cream so it's not like he was denied of fun.

In this instance though, they were there, the weather was nice, it would have made sense to make the best of it. They could come back in the Spring.

Saying that it's I during because OP said it was spontaneous but then said it was booked.

@Tiredoftattler "you cannot do anything fun without the step children there" is a rhetoric that comes up often on MN and it's a stick used to beat step parents and their children with, on the basis that they should count themselves lucky their parents are together. It is totally incompatible with the reality of "living" with a SC EOW.

You are talking as though this is an isolated incident, and it wouldn't be a big deal if it was. But OP made it clear that the "that's too fun let's wait for SC" response is a common one from her husband, and there have been comments on this thread saying that he SHOULD only ever do fun things with all his children, and even that it's normal for him to be disinterested in experiences with his youngest if his eldest aren't there. That last part is enough to make anyone angry. It would be one thing if this was a one off event, which it wasn't, but if the youngest has to grow up with their lasting impression of their dad being him consistently saying no to anything fun with just them, or watching from the sidelines checking it's not "too" fun, it will affect how they see him and themselves. They may never say anything because it will be normalised to them, but it could have disastrous effects on their self esteem.

When I was with a man with a child from a previous relationship, I was always doing things alone with the children as my ex couldn’t be bothered and he was always losing his jobs because he couldn’t be arsed going to work, so I went out with my parents with the children instead.
Too right I planned these bigger trips out for when dsc wasn’t with us for many reasons
Obviously the reference to taking kids to take fun things when the SCs are not around so cheaper applied to d'amies where money is joint and the father is contributing which the very vast majority of families. Your situation was different, and of course, in that case, it was legitimate to spend your money on your child as a priority.

In any case, such threads tend to be pointless because there are so many scenarios.

SCs never having fun whilst with mum Vs SCs out wow and holidays to some fun places.

Children in the family being joint SM and dad vs children of SM only.

SCs much older or similar ages to those in the family.

Family finances allow for fun every weekends vs finances restricted and outings to be restricted.

SM working and contributing vs dad supporting the whole family (children over 5).

SCs wishing to do certain activities vs SCs who couldn't care less etc...

Saying that it's I during because OP said it was spontaneous but then said it was booked

Where?

Tiredoftattler

Why couldn’t the child who was there at the time enjoy a spontaneous boat ride and live in the moment, and then they all go back again another day with the stepchildren as a planned trip out if the dad thought all of them would enjoy it? What a way to dampen a day out for the child he was actually with at the time.

The child living with the dad full time gets to sit down to dinner with dad every day or at a minimum most days. The child living with dad gets to be tucked in every night by dad. The child living with dad experiences the feeling of safety and surety that comes each night knowing that mom and dad are in the house and your world is complete. This child can and will be able to come home from school and recount her day and see the joy and her dad's eyes as she tells him about the good grade, prize , or home run that she scored today. She won't have to phone it in or save it for her weekend when all of her excitement is lost .

Children in split parent situations are denied the most and are the ones that never get to live in the moment with mom and dad

Fun happens in most peoples lives on a daily basis. Going for a walk with dad can be both fun and special. My dad was a great story teller and we would look forward to the stories that he told us. Sometimes it was all of us at other times it might be just 1 or 2 of us. I doubt my mom thought of those as fun times but my siblings and I still talk about the stories and games that dad told or played with us far more than we ever talk about the trips or vacations that we took.

@Tiredoftattler

The child living with the dad full time gets to sit down to dinner with dad every day or at a minimum most days. The child living with dad gets to be tucked in every night by dad. The child living with dad experiences the feeling of safety and surety that comes each night knowing that mom and dad are in the house and your world is complete. This child can and will be able to come home from school and recount her day and see the joy and her dad's eyes as she tells him about the good grade, prize , or home run that she scored today. She won't have to phone it in or save it for her weekend when all of her excitement is lost .

Children in split parent situations are denied the most and are the ones that never get to live in the moment with mom and dad

Fun happens in most peoples lives on a daily basis. Going for a walk with dad can be both fun and special. My dad was a great story teller and we would look forward to the stories that he told us. Sometimes it was all of us at other times it might be just 1 or 2 of us. I doubt my mom thought of those as fun times but my siblings and I still talk about the stories and games that dad told or played with us far more than we ever talk about the trips or vacations that we took.

wow i have never heard so much shit in my life.

The child gets to sit down with dad every day? do they? how do you know that? what if dad works evenings or nights? The child gets tucked in every night by dad? again? really?

the security of knowing your mum and dad are in the house and your world is complete? well i never had that and yet i grew up a damn sight less dramatic than you!

Children in split parent situations are denied the most and are the ones that never get to live in the moment with mom and dad

are you trying to say that a child from a split household cant be happy? because frankly as someone who was that child i find it FUCKING OFFENSIVE. It's different, sure, but its not inherently bad and it is MUCH BETTER than living with 2 parents who dislike each other.

It sounds to me like your parents were together so why are you commenting on something you know nothing about?

@Tiredoftattler

All true and lovely points.
So is this only a problem if there’s money being spent? So say the boat trip was £10 per head, £5 for the child. The older child isn’t then getting £5 spent on them by their dad at that particular moment in time because they are with their mother, who may or may not be spending money on them there. The children are not getting the same from their father so therefore the little one cannot have their £5 treat and must wait until a time that sibling is present, hope the weathers ok, hope lockdown doesn’t bugger it up, weekend clubs for older sibling don’t dominate the day etc etc etc.
Would the SC really be so distraught to find out that their sibling has a whole life too, not just on the days they see them?
Can’t stress enough, nobody is talking about leaving them out of a trip to Disneyland

It seems as though he wanted to limit the child fun component to a day when all of his children would be present. That does not seem unreasonable so unless the child's siblings are present, the child mustn't have fun with their parents? What happens when they're older and don't want to hang out as often? What happens if they go back to the boat purposely and the older kids say they don't want to go? Is op then permitted to take the child a separate time to go on the ride??

did you go on the boat?

Where?
Here:
To clarify, the boat wasn't planned. We walked past it when out, it was completely spontaneous. My step children hadn't expressed a desire to go on a boat and so I booked a boat trip whilst they weren't there.

are you trying to say that a child from a split household cant be happy? because frankly as someone who was that child i find it FUCKING OFFENSIVE
I don't think Tired was saying the child could never be happy but that they will never get an important element of childhood that kids with parents together get to appreciate. As a child whose parents divorced when I was 2, so don't have any memories of being with both if them at the sane time, I can totally relate. It doesn't mean I was unhappy but I did feel that something was missing. I would have loved not to experience the feeling of emptiness missing my dad and k owing there was nothing that could be done about it but wait for 2 weeks.

@dontdisturbmenow that clearly says she didn't book a boat trip when they weren't there to be spiteful and make them miss out, ie she never planned or booked anything it was a spur of the moment thing. The whole post is very clear that the boat trip wasn't booked - that would be completely different and have had different responses

don't think Tired was saying the child could never be happy but that they will never get an important element of childhood that kids with parents together get to appreciate. As a child whose parents divorced when I was 2, so don't have any memories of being with both if them at the sane time, I can totally relate. It doesn't mean I was unhappy but I did feel that something was missing. I would have loved not to experience the feeling of emptiness missing my dad and k owing there was nothing that could be done about it but wait for 2 weeks

There are pros and cons to having seperated parents, i personally never felt like anything was missing. I hate this thing that its the be all and end all that your parents are together, and if they are you dont need anything else because you're all lucky and warm and complete.

If your parents are split you need more attention, more trips "quality time" with one parent, alone, and copious amounts of money thrown at you according to MN.

I dont know about your kids, but my chidl has his parents together but he doesnt often get to spend "quality time" with just one of us, even less so when his brother lived with us! Whereas dss has quality time with dp whether he lives with us or not, due to sports etc which ds is too young for, and there are only so many hours in the day and days in the week.

Do i think DS is going to be emotionally scarred? no, i doubt it, but i do i think he needs less of everything else because mummy and daddy still live together? fuck no!

@dontdisturbmenow

Where? Here: To clarify, the boat wasn't planned. We walked past it when out, it was completely spontaneous. My step children hadn't expressed a desire to go on a boat and so I booked a boat trip whilst they weren't there.

are you trying to say that a child from a split household cant be happy? because frankly as someone who was that child i find it FUCKING OFFENSIVE
I don't think Tired was saying the child could never be happy but that they will never get an important element of childhood that kids with parents together get to appreciate. As a child whose parents divorced when I was 2, so don't have any memories of being with both if them at the sane time, I can totally relate. It doesn't mean I was unhappy but I did feel that something was missing. I would have loved not to experience the feeling of emptiness missing my dad and k owing there was nothing that could be done about it but wait for 2 weeks.

You've read it completely wrong.

What I meant was its not like my step kids expressed a desire to go on a boat and so I went and booked one for when they weren't here. I wouldn't do that.

The boat was not booked. It was a spontaneous, queue up and go on a boat thing as we were walking past.

I don't like the notion that children should just shut up and be grateful their parents are together. They are children, they don't think that way, especially when young.

I think it depends on the person too. I grew up with separated parents. My parents hated each other, I remember being relieved when they split. I lived with my dad as the RP but if I missed my mum outside of usually contact, I told him and I saw her.

We've had many times where their mum has messaged to say X is missing you can he come over and the answer is always yes. He never turns them away. We have 50:50 contact too, sometimes more if they ask for it (which they do some weeks), so they are here a lot and included in a lot. They don't just see him EOW.

What I meant by my child having some memories with their dad there was that I didn't want them thinking daddy never did anything fun with them alone and only remembering me being there whilst DH looked on disapprovingly. I remember having days with my dad. We called them daddy daughter days I have fond memories of just getting to be with him without siblings sometimes.

I don't see why time can't be appreciated with all the children individually in terms of a spontaneous outing. I'm not talking trips to Disney land or big days out.

My step children do have time with their Dad and I'd never discourage that. They like the arcade for example so he takes them there sometimes.

As I've already said as well, if my step children were bothered by the boat trip, we would go back and do it again with them some time.

We are actually going to the zoo in a couple of weekends with all of us so it isn't a case of them never having an outing with us.

@TrustTheGeneGenie excellent post!
I'm the youngest of 6 (parents were together until death) & boy did we all have to fight for our parents attention. Our father worked away from home much of our childhoods & our mother refused to move us around with him as she wanted to keep us in the one school & didn't want to disrupt us. So - he was away & she was permanently exhausted. I have 2 older siblings who even in their 60's still have issues with our parents for not 'being there enough'. I've worked through my own issues with my dm who was menopausal when I was a teenager & honestly my dad (who was now working where we lived) reared me during those years.
My point is that whether together or separated NO parents gets it right & most kids end up with some issue with their parents especially seeing as how we all perceive things differently. I have three siblings who think our dad got off lightly because he worked away & two siblings (& myself) who remember our mother being really hard work at times & giving our very hard working dad a rotten time at various intervals.
Most parents, including divorced ones are just doing their best but this notion that separated/divorced parents are supposed to bend themselves out of shape to always be 'on'; to NEVER put a foot wrong regarding their 'first' children is ridiculous, unsustainable & frankly very damaging for both children & adults alike.
At some point we all have to get over ourselves & stop blaming our parents for every damn thing we didn't like about our childhood/teenage-hood.
And before people say it's alright for me as my parents were together I say bullshit as there were times they may as well have not been.
The majority of kids nowadays have no concept of what actual neglect is (thankfully). Missing out on a spontaneous boating trip just because you happen to be living with your mum & not your dad that day is NOT neglect & only becomes so if the adults around you are telling you it is. Just as not having the biggest bedroom in your nrp's house is NOT neglect when you don't live there because you actually live with your other parent ft!

The child living with the dad full time gets to sit down to dinner with dad every day or at a minimum most days. The child living with dad gets to be tucked in every night by dad. The child living with dad experiences the feeling of safety and surety that comes each night knowing that mom and dad are in the house and your world is complete. This child can and will be able to come home from school and recount her day and see the joy and her dad's eyes as she tells him about the good grade, prize , or home run that she scored today. She won't have to phone it in or save it for her weekend when all of her excitement is lost .
@Tiredoftattler** see my last post - my parents were together & I certainly did not have this experience with my father. You're describing a warm & fuzzy movie experience that is not how daily life pans out for many families - even those where parents are together. Work, extended family commitments & both parents actually deserving to have a life/hobbies outside of their kids often 'interfere' with this glowing view of family life!

Thank you for speaking so much sense in your latest post, OP. Stick to your guns on this. It’s entirely possible to have happy SCs and resident children, despite doing things separately.

The child living with the dad full time gets to sit down to dinner with dad every day or at a minimum most days. The child living with dad gets to be tucked in every night by dad. The child living with dad experiences the feeling of safety and surety that comes each night knowing that mom and dad are in the house and your world is complete. This child can and will be able to come home from school and recount her day and see the joy and her dad's eyes as she tells him about the good grade, prize , or home run that she scored today. She won't have to phone it in or save it for her weekend when all of her excitement is lost .

What a load of sentimental bullshit

Clearly you’re so painfully narrow minded.

This type of emotional blackmail rubbish that we see time and time again on here is both frustrating and tedious. You do realise that second children don’t always have all that you have mentioned and that life gets in the way? And what if they have a father who makes no effort with them when he walks through the door? Yeah let’s begrudge them a day out because they clearly have it all.

We really shouldn’t make this a competition of who had it worst and it is true, adults make thinks more complicated than it actually is. Yes even the dad who says let’s wait, and the mom who get mad at the dad. Relax. Figure out what works for both of you.

@funinthesun19

The child living with the dad full time gets to sit down to dinner with dad every day or at a minimum most days. The child living with dad gets to be tucked in every night by dad. The child living with dad experiences the feeling of safety and surety that comes each night knowing that mom and dad are in the house and your world is complete. This child can and will be able to come home from school and recount her day and see the joy and her dad's eyes as she tells him about the good grade, prize , or home run that she scored today. She won't have to phone it in or save it for her weekend when all of her excitement is lost .

What a load of sentimental bullshit

Clearly you’re so painfully narrow minded.

This type of emotional blackmail rubbish that we see time and time again on here is both frustrating and tedious. You do realise that second children don’t always have all that you have mentioned and that life gets in the way? And what if they have a father who makes no effort with them when he walks through the door? Yeah let’s begrudge them a day out because they clearly have it all.

My dad is one of those fathers who make no effort, comes in the door and watch tv. And my parents stay married for many years. I rather have a “let wait until other join” father than “I can’t be bothered” father. My mom took us everywhere fun without my father.

As a child who lost a father to a second family, I don't understand why the first family are treated as unreasonable because they don't go along with the change in circumstances. Nobody grows up in a family expecting to be shuffed aside for another one. I think it's great that a new 'parent' wants to include everybody, but you can't assume that everyone, even children, will go along with that.