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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Sick and tired of feeling like we are never allowed to enjoy time without SC

153 replies

CrankyFrankyHoot · 13/10/2020 16:22

Am I being unreasonable?

I feel like my husband refuses to do anything fun unless my SC are here with us.

I get big things like holidays but we can't even take our child out for the day without him feeling guilty or suggesting we do it another time when SC are here.

For example, we went out to a little town for a walk around when it wasn't our day and there were some boats you can ride down the river. I suggested we do it and he was all 'we'll come back when we have SC and do it then hey?' (I argued against this and said we are allowed to have fun when they aren't here but still, it annoys me that he's always doing this).

Surely our child is allowed to enjoy time with us when their siblings aren't here?

We do plenty all together but I do think it's important for us to do some things as well on our own so we aren't just sitting around waiting for the next contact day all the time before we can go anywhere.

OP posts:
Magda72 · 14/10/2020 12:07

@dontdisturbmenow I'm not trying to minimise your experience but what about all the days out you got with your dm? Maybe your sister also felt off knowing you had another life with another set of treats/days out.

Gardengoddess · 14/10/2020 14:19

Some of the comments on here are absolutely crazy. I feel so sorry for resident children with these attitudes

dontdisturbmenow · 14/10/2020 15:24

The way you describe it as a spontaneous thing, your OH is indeed being unreasonable.

Is it okay for my SC to come round and tell us all about the theme park they went to with mum?
That's not the same though. The analogy would be your OH taking his eldest kids to a place your youngest would have enjoyed and the eldest going on about it in front of him. That wouldn't be very nice, wouldn't it?

I'm not trying to minimise your experience but what about all the days out you got with your dm
It's only SMs that seem to 'count' and base fairness on numbers. Most kids don't see it like that. They care much more about quality than quantity. I would have given up half the things I did with my mum to do some more with my dad.

And no, my sister understood how lucky she was to be able to share special times with both her parents, ie. the two most important people in her life at the same time.

What some SMs totally fail to co.oregrnd is how much kids miss their dad when they only see them eow. They would much much more prefer to spend more time with them than multiplying days out.

However, I do agree that there is a limit and in the way OP described it, it did sound over the top to refuse to go on that boat trip because the SC were not there if indeed it wasn't pre-booked.

aSofaNearYou · 14/10/2020 15:40

@dontdisturbmenow I've never seen any SMs basing fairness on numbers. People point out that the step children also do things with their other parent to highlight the fact that it's not fair or reasonable to expect ANY of the children to only do fun things while they are all together. Children deserve those things all the time, whoever they are with. My daughter is "lucky" to get to do things with both of her parents, but she certainly wouldn't be if she was never allowed to do anything fun besides the EOW my SS is there. She is worth so much more than that.

It is sad and needs to be handled delicately that the step children struggle with splitting their time between two houses and not being able to be with both of their parents all the time. But expecting their younger siblings to pay the price by never doing anything enjoyable while they aren't there, isn't the answer.

itsovernowthen · 14/10/2020 15:42

You are not being unreasonable.

My DH tries this all the time; we were ordering a pizza the other night and he tried to say we had to wait until DSS was here in a weeks time to order.

My response was that he could wait if he liked, but as there was a limited selection of food in the house, the rest of us would be having pizza that night. Needless to say, he ate with us.

I also have to remind DH that DSS regularly eats takeaways and goes for outings at his DM's that DC with us don't get to have, so DSS has just as much, if not more, fun as he gets to enjoy things at both houses.

I've come to realise that you can't force him to get involved if he only wants to do fun things when DSS is there, and you need to be prepared to do things with your DC on your own. A guilt-ridden DH is one of the potential hazards of being part of a blended family, unfortunately.

Gardengoddess · 14/10/2020 17:26

Everyone has their own way but I for one will never stop my dc from having fun at any given opportunity for the sake of sc

dontdisturbmenow · 14/10/2020 18:03

People point out that the step children also do things with their other parent to highlight the fact that it's not fair or reasonable to expect ANY of the children to only do fun things while they are all together
What about the kids who don't get to do anything with their mum? Do step children then not entitled to do anything during the other weekends because otherwise it wouldn't be fair they get to have fun during the weekends the SCs are not around when the SCs get nothing?

What happens with the other family is irrelevant. Kids should be enjoyed to have some fun during some weekends without the SCs, as long as it isnt an activity the SCs would love to do themselves, or these fun outings happen much more often during these the SC free weekends, which happens mainly because it's a lot cheaper.

Halliehallie9828 · 14/10/2020 18:09

@Gardengoddess

Everyone has their own way but I for one will never stop my dc from having fun at any given opportunity for the sake of sc
Same.

My kids will never miss out.

blueberrypie0112 · 14/10/2020 18:13

Every child deserves an alone time with their parents/parent.

And every child deserves to feel they are part of the family too. And not left out.

aSofaNearYou · 14/10/2020 18:51

What about the kids who don't get to do anything with their mum? Do step children then not entitled to do anything during the other weekends because otherwise it wouldn't be fair they get to have fun during the weekends the SCs are not around when the SCs get nothing?

No, because as I said before, it's not about keeping count. The comparison to the step child's other household is just to point out that they are generally not expected to do nothing fun for 11/14 days so it is unfair to expect their sibling to just because one of their parents has another child. And if the step kids genuinely got NONE of those fun experiences at their mum's, given that we are talking about very basic moments of child centric fun, then it would be grounds to file for full custody. All children should be experiencing happy fun, moments like this regularly.

What happens with the other family is irrelevant. Kids should be enjoyed to have some fun during some weekends without the SCs, as long as it isnt an activity the SCs would love to do themselves, or these fun outings happen much more often during these the SC free weekends, which happens mainly because it's a lot cheaper.

I can see that you agree that OP is not being unreasonable in this instance so I don't flatly disagree with you, but I still think it is wrong to go so far as to say you cannot do fun things the SCs would enjoy when they are not there. What happens if the children all like the same sort of things? That is essentially still saying they aren't allowed to have fun. My SS is still young enough that pretty much anything we could do with DD while he isn't there he would theoretically enjoy, such as going to the park, takeaways, popping in to see grandparents etc. All the sorts of things mentioned on this thread. I might not book a trip to Disneyland while my SS wasn't around knowing he would love to go but I certainly will not entertain preventing my daughter from having perfectly normal, every day moments of fun in the 80% of time SS isn't there.

As you said earlier, kids don't always see things the same way adults do and I think it is an incredibly damaging thing for a child to grow up hearing from one parent that they do not want to do anything that could be considered fun for children with them, because their older siblings aren't there. What do people honestly think they would make of that?

Gardengoddess · 14/10/2020 18:57

@asofanearyou always a voice of reason, I certainly wish I could articulate myself as well as you do

funinthesun19 · 14/10/2020 19:03

And no, my sister understood how lucky she was to be able to share special times with both her parents, ie. the two most important people in her life at the same time.

I hate it when people say children are “lucky” to have their parents still together. It makes me cringe so much because it’s like saying they should be grateful. It’s often used as a way to minimise the feelings of the stepmum and her children because her children obviously have it all if mum and dad both live under the same roof.

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 14/10/2020 19:04

I agree with your DH. He has more than one child and wants them all included not just one of them. It’s a good example to set to his children.

What they do with mum is irrelevant as your child is not part of her family.

burglarbettybaby · 14/10/2020 19:08

I would say to him.. don't be so ridiculous. Every single time. Then get on with things.

funinthesun19 · 14/10/2020 19:09

I agree with your DH. He has more than one child and wants them all included not just one of them. It’s a good example to set to his children.

So what you’re saying then is that the op’s child shouldn’t be able to do anything like go on those boats while the dsc is elsewhere?

Giespeace · 14/10/2020 19:15

He has more than one child and wants them all included not just one of them. It’s a good example to set to his children

Yes, and both his children deserve to have complete lives, not sitting around waiting for the other to be present more than half the time to before they can have fun.

It’s a terrible example to set for the children.

“DC1, it’s all about you and our lives stop when you aren’t there - I hereby challenge you not to grow into an entitle PITA”

“DC2, you’re not that special, so no, we won’t be going to the beach this sunny day, we have to wait two weeks for the important child to be here and hope the weathers as good that day - I hereby challenge you not to grow up feeling second born and second best”

movingonup20 · 14/10/2020 19:15

I was with you until you said "I want memories of doing things together with their dad involved" the thing is that the sc are equally his kids so he doesn't want to be making memories of just your joint kids, the dsc are equal in his mind but not in yours.

You need to step thinking of any demarcation between the kids because in his mind there's none. It's really tough but he misses having his kids with him all the time.

movingonup20 · 14/10/2020 19:19

Ps it's fine for you to do things with your dc, their mum does things with her dc and their joint dad does stuff with them all!

Giespeace · 14/10/2020 19:22

I was with you until you said "I want memories of doing things together with their dad involved" the thing is that the sc are equally his kids so he doesn't want to be making memories of just your joint kids, the dsc are equal in his mind but not in yours.

Why shouldn’t OPs child have nice memories of doing things with dad? The statement in no way indicates that the SC isn’t as much his child?

GreggsSausageRollandaBrew · 14/10/2020 19:26

@movingonup20

Ps it's fine for you to do things with your dc, their mum does things with her dc and their joint dad does stuff with them all!
There is nothing wrong with Dad doing some things with 'just your joint kid' sometimes FFS.

So basically every time the SC are at their mums, Dad sits at home and doesn't join in anything? Joint DC aren't allowed to enjoy time with both their parents ever? Way to make them feel like Dad doesn't care as much about them.

People are rightly concerned about SC feeling less important but in their (OTT imo) attempts to prevent this, they inadvertently treat resident children the very same.

funinthesun19 · 14/10/2020 19:32

To put it in to perspective, how many mums would have their second children sit there doing nothing and never live in the moment with them while their first children are with their dad? NONE.

But yet they’d expect their ex’s second children to have a have a half life.

TitianaTitsling · 14/10/2020 19:34

@IceCreamAndCandyfloss

I agree with your DH. He has more than one child and wants them all included not just one of them. It’s a good example to set to his children.

What they do with mum is irrelevant as your child is not part of her family.

So OPs child has some sort of 'fun halflife' no family fun at all with out full complement of kids? what about visits to Santa, school fetes and fairs, anything really, that could centre on this child-all forbidden?
GreggsSausageRollandaBrew · 14/10/2020 19:35

Funny thing is, no one would say anything about dad having one on one time with SC. It would be encouraged.

blueberrypie0112 · 14/10/2020 19:38

@Giespeace

I was with you until you said "I want memories of doing things together with their dad involved" the thing is that the sc are equally his kids so he doesn't want to be making memories of just your joint kids, the dsc are equal in his mind but not in yours.

Why shouldn’t OPs child have nice memories of doing things with dad? The statement in no way indicates that the SC isn’t as much his child?

It rubbed me the wrong way too. I am sure his other child would love to spend time with his biological mom and biological dad together too but you know, his parents are not together anymore and they have own little family that he may or may not be included .
funinthesun19 · 14/10/2020 19:44

Funny thing is, no one would say anything about dad having one on one time with SC. It would be encouraged.

Its like the second child doesn’t deserve any quality time with their dad because their parents are still together. Usual everyday weekday stuff isn’t really quality time is it? So the argument that they get to see their dad everyday really is such a weak one in my opinion.
But with the first child that quality time is automatically owed to them.
With second children it’s just begrudged.