Sick and tired of feeling like we are never allowed to enjoy time without SC

[CrankyFrankyHoot]

Am I being unreasonable?

I feel like my husband refuses to do anything fun unless my SC are here with us.

I get big things like holidays but we can't even take our child out for the day without him feeling guilty or suggesting we do it another time when SC are here.

For example, we went out to a little town for a walk around when it wasn't our day and there were some boats you can ride down the river. I suggested we do it and he was all 'we'll come back when we have SC and do it then hey?' (I argued against this and said we are allowed to have fun when they aren't here but still, it annoys me that he's always doing this).

Surely our child is allowed to enjoy time with us when their siblings aren't here?

We do plenty all together but I do think it's important for us to do some things as well on our own so we aren't just sitting around waiting for the next contact day all the time before we can go anywhere.

Honestly some of these posts, my sd does not even remember her mum and my dh together. Her mum has been settled with her stepdad for many years.

Sd has 4 holidays a year, is an only child, does not want for anything and she happily comes back and tells her siblings how much she has/gets (not that she shouldn't be able to share her experiences)

But our joint children should sit in a box and not enjoy anything until sd is with us, what a load of tosh.

Why shouldn't OP want memories of her children and husband.

@funinthesun19 completely agree!!

We have no pedestals in our house and if my husband wanted one for his daughter he would have to find a different home in my opinion because I wouldn't put my kids through that

Honestly some of these posts, my sd does not even remember her mum and my dh together. Her mum has been settled with her stepdad for many years.

Sd has 4 holidays a year, is an only child, does not want for anything and she happily comes back and tells her siblings how much she has/gets (not that she shouldn't be able to share her experiences)

Yes but her parents aren’t together, so her life must be so empty and sad.

I was with you until you said "I want memories of doing things together with their dad involved" the thing is that the sc are also his kids so he doesn't want to be making memories of just your joint kids, the dsc are equal in his mind but not yours

I have never in my life heard a father of more than one child who all come from the same mother say that they "do not want" memories of any of their children individually. I have many memories with my dad growing up that it was really neither here nor there whether my sister was there for, and the same is true for her. We are certainly equal in his eyes, but it would be frankly insulting if he was completely uninterested in making memories with either of us if the other wasn't there.

It is completely appropriate for OPs partner to enjoy making memories with all his kids equally, and to especially cherish times when they are all together, but it is not at all appropriate for him to be uninterested in making memories with his youngest in their own right. Someone that feels that way has no business having more children if they are uninterested in doing anything with them unless their siblings who are not there a majority of the time, are also there.

This is also a logic that is certainly NOT applied to the 1 on 1 time it is frequently suggested on here that a NRP should be spending with the step children.

Is there anything going on where he might feel that he doesn't see his other children enough?

Going by the logic of some people, I shouldn’t do anything with my youngest while my older children are at school.

Funnily enough, I was thinking of taking my youngest to the zoo on her own. I know my older children would love to go to the zoo too, but it would be nice to be able to take her on her own without the older noisy children and while it’s quieter.

But I suppose that because I’m a mum I’m actually allowed to do that. It’s just if you’re a non resident father you’re not allowed to do anything with your youngest and form memories with them in their own right.

@IceCreamAndCandyfloss

I agree with your DH. He has more than one child and wants them all included not just one of them. It’s a good example to set to his children.

What they do with mum is irrelevant as your child is not part of her family.

Setting a good example?? Of what? Teaching the little one that they don't matter?

@Gardengoddess thankyou 😁 It does always seem to be the same group of voices speaking up on these threads!

You cannot let your husband tell your child not to share what he's been doing. That's awful! It needs to be normalised that they spend some time together and some time not. Catching up with each other is normal. Your DH is carrying some serious guilt around. Maybe some therapy for him?

my older sister have 4 kids with four different fathers, in their eyes they don’t see each other as half siblings, they see each other siblings. So that your child’s sibling, not just your husband’s child. But I do agree everyone deserves an alone time with their parents and fun things shouldn’t be on hold unless it is going to be a big family affair

Of course you should be able to enjoy thing spontaneously with your DH, but it’s understandable that he feels guilty and misses his other children on those occasions. It doesn’t make him an arsehole, it shows that he loves his children, I’m sure all of us would miss our own children in similar circumstances. He does just have to deal with it because it’s the consequence of having a separation and then blended family, but there’s no need to be too harsh on him.

I am not one who counts time because I can usually make and find time for all of the activities that I plan with our kids in whatever configuration.
I can see though that a man or woman who had multiple children with whom they spent a limited amount of time wanting to find ways to maximize the time and perhaps money spent with all of their kids.

The OP in fact has a family of 3 with her spouse. The husband in fact has a family of 5 (assuming he has 2 children that are not the OPs).

I do think that family configuration matters in how individual parents think about parity and fairness. The husband is not denying any of his children a fun experience if he opts not to do it on Tuesday when only 1 child is available but to instead wait to do it on Saturday when all of his children are available to do it. No harm or foul to any of the kids because they all get to have the same experience together as siblings and with their father.
This does not stop the father from having other one on one experiences with each child. The children individual interest and activities will create these moments and opportunities.

It is not the same as saying you can never do anything if your sister or brother is not present to do the same thing. This was an event that all of his children could experience simply by changing the day on which they all could take part.

People are quick to say that someone parents out of guilt. Guilt and shame are not always negatives, and sometimes guilt and or shame should be felt and can serve to make us more responsible and insightful in informing our actions going forward.

*blueberrypie0112

Giespeace
I was with you until you said "I want memories of doing things together with their dad involved" the thing is that the sc are equally his kids so he doesn't want to be making memories of just your joint kids, the dsc are equal in his mind but not in yours.

Why shouldn’t OPs child have nice memories of doing things with dad? The statement in no way indicates that the SC isn’t as much his child?
It rubbed me the wrong way too. I am sure his other child would love to spend time with his biological mom and biological dad together too but you know, his parents are not together anymore and they have own little family that he may or may not be included .*

SC gets to benefit from getting everything x2.
DC gets to benefit from doing things with parents x2.

Both massive generalisations of course, but my point is that the kids are living different lives in different homes with different mothers in different circumstances. Therefore the benefits their respective sets of parents are able to provide will be different. Why should either child not benefits because the other can’t?
Why can’t SC enjoy two full sets of birthday presents and two bedrooms just because DC only has one home and one go at those things?
Why shouldn’t DC enjoy quality time with both parents just because SCs parents have split up?

This does not prevent the father from having other one and one experiences with each child. The children individual interest and activities will create these moments and opportunities

This implies the only things the father should do with an individual child are their organised, individual hobbies. OP did not say that his other children had a specific interest in boating, so the only reason to delay this is because they generically might enjoy it because it's fun. So by applying your logic if this is the response every time his youngest has the opportunity to do something that might be fun for the older kids, you still end up at the same conclusion. He cannot ever do anything fun with his youngest, because the older kids would probably enjoy anything fun.

I do thing with our daughter that doesn’t include my son. He is in college of course.

About two birthdays, I am not exactly sure people really do have “two birthdays” On my kid’s birthday, his grandparents would take him out or maybe his aunt when they get a chance to see them .sometimes their birthday get celebrated all week.

“Why shouldn’t OPs child have nice memories of doing things with dad“

I never said he shouldn’t. He should spend all his kids one in one (although I never had a dad who did this nor he did anything with us, it is just our mom and our dad stayed home)

If she want her child on that boat, she can take her child herself, he is not stopping her. He will do what he considered is fun.

And I agreed that just because his other child isn’t there , doesn’t mean they can’t do anything fun together. I just think he is right if he feel it in his gut that his other child would enjoy it too.

As I said, massive generalisations.
But my DH does buy full sets of birthday and Christmas gifts for DSD, regardless of what her mother does or doesn’t do. And why wouldn’t he want to celebrate and mark his child’s birthday and also do Christmas with her, go on holiday with her, days out etc.? Her mum does all these things and more.
I wouldn’t be impressed if he said it was ok to have everything twice because that made them “equal” but God forbid my DS went on a spontaneous boat trip without her present

@dontdisturbmenow I am no longer a sm but my three children have younger half siblings on their dad's side.
My kids struggled with their dad 'moving on' but once again I'll say what I always say on this site - if the adults act like adults then the kids don't have to suffer & by kids I mean all the kids.
It honestly flabbergasts me how little communication there seems to be in these scenarios. It would be so easy for nrdads to avoid soooo many of the conflicts/issues that arise around 'first' children if they would just talk to them & explain things to them.
My kids have certainly never suffered from "we took your siblings to the beach. We didn't contact you as we were respecting your time with your mum. If the weather is good we'll do it again next weekend when you're here & then I'll take you guys to a movie".
This is how it's been for my kids for the last 5 years & in the early days if my dd (the youngest) moaned about the unfairness of it I would point out that it wasn't unfair; that her dad has 5 kids of varying ages & needs to spend time with all of them & that her sm & siblings can't just sit and wait for her & her brothers to be available for everything. Five years of both parents consistently talking to and reassuring my kids means they are all pretty happy people with no major hang ups & who appreciate time with both dad & mum.
It just seems to me that the majority of nrdads just don't do the hard conversations; the kind of conversations that need to be had if family units are to move from point A to point B, as opposed to just getting stuck where no one is happy but where the boat isn't being rocked by dad taking the situation in hand and actually dealing with it!
'First' children feeling left out is (generally) not the fault of their siblings or sms but rather the fault of their dad who sticks his head in the sand, & often their mum who is shit stirring away in a corner.
Adults not behaving like adults.

And if the step kids genuinely got NONE of those fun experiences at their mum's, given that we are talking about very basic moments of child centric fun, then it would be grounds to file for full custody
You must be joking! Sadly many family genuinely cannot afford any fun. Should all those kids referred to SS?

What happens if the children all like the same sort of things? That is essentially still saying they aren't allowed to have fun
Of course they are, every other weekend. Are you saying that chidren should have fun days out every single weekend? Most kids are lucky to do so once a month.

So I stand to the occasional weekend fun without the SCs, absurdly fine especially if something they wouldn't care much about. A balance of fun days during both weekends, fine, if these can indeed be afforded.

Trips planned on weekends when the SCs are not there, even though they would love the activity, more than once or twice a year, that's not great.

Of course, there is also the option in the mix of the SM occasionally doing something with her child without her partner involved.

When you mix all the options, it's not really hard to get the right balance so that all the children get to feel unused and gave special times doing fun activities with their parents.

@dontdisturbmenow I don't know how you took from my comment that I was talking about expensive days out, I made it pretty clear I was talking about more minor things than that, and the principle of a dad resisting any moment he sees as "too fun" with his youngest because the others aren't there, and the impact this will have on the younge5 siblings. I'm not talking about planned day trips.

For the record, we don't really go on very many big planned days out, as it's not within our budget. But all the sorts of things we do while SS is here, we would also do without hesitation when he isn't. These are things like going out for a meal, the park, soft play, to visit grandparents, drive to the beach if it happens to be a rare sunny day. If my partner consistently said no to doing anything like that with just my daughter because they are "too fun" and his son might like them, thus expecting her to only do anything fun for 20% of her time, then I do not think we would be together anymore.

@Magda72, as always, there are all kind of scenarios in real life.

In your case,of course it wasn't an issue because your ex also did plenty with your children and if the kids are brought to be appreciative, there is no reason to be jealous.

The problem, which sadly is common, arises when the can't has a limited budget for fun activities and it becomes a choice. If you have one resident child, it is going to be a lot cheaper to take them alone to a fun park then to also take 3 SCs. The mum is understandly keen to give her child as many fun experiences as a family. This can rest in most fun activities planned when the SCs are not there with the very occasional one with them for good conscience.

My ex never did anything with our kids but only 1 year after meeting his new partner, he went away for 10 days to Turkey with her and her two kids. At first he lied to our kids about it, then he promised that he would take them somewhere special the following summer. That end up being a long weekend only 100 miles away. It gave him a good conscience. At the time, I didn't think my kids were bothered especially as I was lucky to be able to take them away regularly, so I was surprised when my DD brought it up this summer (I was telling her about my weekend there) and she brought up how deceitful her dad has been at the time (14 years ago). She had certainly picked up on the fact that he'd only taken them out of guilt for going away somewhere fun and exotic with children he hardly knew then. He never took them anywhere again after that.

I think we agree that a good balance of all options is what works.

@dontdisturbmenow yes I think your ex was entirely in the wrong in his behaviour.
My ex doesn't actually do anything particularly expensive with my kids - he can't afford it - but what he has gotten better at doing (& it did take a while) is talking to/explaining things to them & it has made a world of difference.
I actually think the best thing any nrp can do with the kids they don't live with ft is communicate with them & be honest with them.
Exh was a great one for gaming/movies on the weekends the kids were with them (classic avoidance & you see it on here all the time) but they began to push him into talking (with a good deal of spurring on from me) & listening & taking notice, & their relationships are so much better for it.
I think a lot of nrdads go on to have more kids without actually thinking how that will play out for everyone involved & then they can't handle the logistics of it all.

@dontdisturbmenow
The difference with OP is her child is also her husbands child, not a child he hardly knows and their joint child should not have to sit around for sc waiting to do something fun whether planned or not

[quote Magda72]@dontdisturbmenow I am no longer a sm but my three children have younger half siblings on their dad's side.
My kids struggled with their dad 'moving on' but once again I'll say what I always say on this site - if the adults act like adults then the kids don't have to suffer & by kids I mean all the kids.
It honestly flabbergasts me how little communication there seems to be in these scenarios. It would be so easy for nrdads to avoid soooo many of the conflicts/issues that arise around 'first' children if they would just talk to them & explain things to them.
My kids have certainly never suffered from "we took your siblings to the beach. We didn't contact you as we were respecting your time with your mum. If the weather is good we'll do it again next weekend when you're here & then I'll take you guys to a movie".
This is how it's been for my kids for the last 5 years & in the early days if my dd (the youngest) moaned about the unfairness of it I would point out that it wasn't unfair; that her dad has 5 kids of varying ages & needs to spend time with all of them & that her sm & siblings can't just sit and wait for her & her brothers to be available for everything. Five years of both parents consistently talking to and reassuring my kids means they are all pretty happy people with no major hang ups & who appreciate time with both dad & mum.
It just seems to me that the majority of nrdads just don't do the hard conversations; the kind of conversations that need to be had if family units are to move from point A to point B, as opposed to just getting stuck where no one is happy but where the boat isn't being rocked by dad taking the situation in hand and actually dealing with it!
'First' children feeling left out is (generally) not the fault of their siblings or sms but rather the fault of their dad who sticks his head in the sand, & often their mum who is shit stirring away in a corner.
Adults not behaving like adults.[/quote]
You have put this so much better than I could have! My DD has half siblings from her DF. When she was younger she used to say sometimes it wasn't fair that they did something without her, I had the exact same conversation with her. As she is 16 and they are much younger she recommends places her DSM could take the kids (usually places she really enjoyed at that age), her DSM asks quite often for DD to tag along (she is no longer with her DF), there are no hard feelings, and are all happy.