Sick and tired of feeling like we are never allowed to enjoy time without SC

[CrankyFrankyHoot]

Am I being unreasonable?

I feel like my husband refuses to do anything fun unless my SC are here with us.

I get big things like holidays but we can't even take our child out for the day without him feeling guilty or suggesting we do it another time when SC are here.

For example, we went out to a little town for a walk around when it wasn't our day and there were some boats you can ride down the river. I suggested we do it and he was all 'we'll come back when we have SC and do it then hey?' (I argued against this and said we are allowed to have fun when they aren't here but still, it annoys me that he's always doing this).

Surely our child is allowed to enjoy time with us when their siblings aren't here?

We do plenty all together but I do think it's important for us to do some things as well on our own so we aren't just sitting around waiting for the next contact day all the time before we can go anywhere.

You can maybe make a case that he is a somewhat scrappy husband, but in that scenario nothing suggests that he is a crappy father. The relationship that might need work is the husband - wife relationship not so much the father child relationship
I'd agree with that. Indeed, the focus here is in the wrong place. I asked OP why he felt so strongly about it but she hasn't responded.

If itsguilt, why? If indeed it was totally spontaneous rather than OP having secretly planning it and her OP guessing so, if they already do a lot of activities with the SCs that they have asked to do and normally enjoy, if this boat trip is not something they have never mentioned and not something they'd care to miss out on (but he might think differently), or something OP would be happy to do twice in 2 weeks, then why is he making such an issue with it?

Maybe he does relieve that it is an activity that they would care for much more than his youngest child and doesn't think OP would care to come to do it again or happy for the 3 if them to go and leave her and youngest behind.

Who knows, that's why they should be discussing it in all honesty.

@dontdisturbmenow

You can maybe make a case that he is a somewhat scrappy husband, but in that scenario nothing suggests that he is a crappy father. The relationship that might need work is the husband - wife relationship not so much the father child relationship I'd agree with that. Indeed, the focus here is in the wrong place. I asked OP why he felt so strongly about it but she hasn't responded.

If itsguilt, why? If indeed it was totally spontaneous rather than OP having secretly planning it and her OP guessing so, if they already do a lot of activities with the SCs that they have asked to do and normally enjoy, if this boat trip is not something they have never mentioned and not something they'd care to miss out on (but he might think differently), or something OP would be happy to do twice in 2 weeks, then why is he making such an issue with it?

Maybe he does relieve that it is an activity that they would care for much more than his youngest child and doesn't think OP would care to come to do it again or happy for the 3 if them to go and leave her and youngest behind.

Who knows, that's why they should be discussing it in all honesty.

Because obviously a stepmother could only have dubious motives in suggesting a boat trip with her child. It must be a secret conspiracy to exclude the DSC. 🙄

A guilt-ridden father who won’t do anything with his youngest child unless his older kids are there is much less likely than a textbook evil stepmother. He’s got to be on his guard.

Even if the DSC had a boat obsession, it’s still ok for their father to take his youngest child on a boat when they aren’t even there. There’s nothing stopping him bringing his other kids back there another time if he thinks they’d like it.

*A child will feel like they aren’t entitled to fun with dad if it’s only ever allowed when the DSC are there. They’ll almost certainly get the message that they don’t matter and any fun they might experience with dad is just an accidental by product of fun planned for the DSC. What a way to build healthy self esteem.

This will especially be the case when the resident DC (as they so often do) seem to disappear into the background the second the golden DSC step through the door. After all, they’re not there all the time, so they need to be the main focus of their dad’s time and attention. So you get a child who is completely disadvantaged by living with their father: they barely exist when their (half) siblings are there but they can’t be allowed to do nice things when they’re not either.

It would be better and easier for those kids to live with mum, who can do fun things with them (easier without a husband making her feel guilty for not waiting for his other children) and they can spend EOW with a father where they can also be treated like a golden child who matters. Eventually most kids will figure this out.*

Spot on. The double standards are very stark on this thread. We are told again and again on mumsnet that kids pick up on everything so if there is a whiff of a step parent having any negative feelings about them they WILL pick up on them and they WILL know, and yet people are outwardly dismissive of any notion that a child would pick up on any of this and be affected by it.