Sick and tired of feeling like we are never allowed to enjoy time without SC

[CrankyFrankyHoot]

Am I being unreasonable?

I feel like my husband refuses to do anything fun unless my SC are here with us.

I get big things like holidays but we can't even take our child out for the day without him feeling guilty or suggesting we do it another time when SC are here.

For example, we went out to a little town for a walk around when it wasn't our day and there were some boats you can ride down the river. I suggested we do it and he was all 'we'll come back when we have SC and do it then hey?' (I argued against this and said we are allowed to have fun when they aren't here but still, it annoys me that he's always doing this).

Surely our child is allowed to enjoy time with us when their siblings aren't here?

We do plenty all together but I do think it's important for us to do some things as well on our own so we aren't just sitting around waiting for the next contact day all the time before we can go anywhere.

I'm not talking about planned day trips
Fair enough, that what I thought the discussion was about as these were the circumstances with OP.

The difference with OP is her child is also her husbands child, not a child he hardly knows and their joint child should not have to sit around for sc waiting to do something fun whether planned or not
And if you read, I've said that the way OP described the situstion, I totally agreed with her.

But some posters then expanded it to say that kids should be able to do things without their SCs as a general rule because SCs will also have fun with their mum. That I don't agree as a principle. I agree only when the balance is right.

And just to add that my kids got a brother a few years later and had no issues at all with him doing things without them but the age difference was such that nothing they would have done together is something they'd missed out on. Now my DD is the one who takes him out the most for days out and activities.

@dontdisturbmenow the OP wasn't about a planned day trip, it was about a spontaneous bit of fun on a walk. My comments have been intended to highlight the reality of saying the youngest child should not do anything the step kids would enjoy while they aren't there. As you mentioned, your children's half sibling is a very different age to your DC. When this is not so, as in my case, saying we shouldn't do anything my SC would enjoy with her is the same as saying we shouldn't do anything with her.

When this is not so, as in my case, saying we shouldn't do anything my SC would enjoy with her is the same as saying we shouldn't do anything with her
I never said that children should NEVER do anything the SC would enjoy on SC free weekends, but yes it should be the norm to do these things when the SCs are around mostly. Why wouldn't you when the SCs are with their dad eow? As said, few families can afford to do things (not talking playing board games or a take away at home) every weekend, so it usually ends up being one or the other. Many regularly pick weekends without the SCs because it's cheaper and the SC miss out.

I'm not talking about planned day trips
Fair enough, that what I thought the discussion was about as these were the circumstances with OP.

The op was out on a walk and saw some boats which she thought her child would love to go on. Her “d”p said we should wait until dsc are with us.

I mean, how ridiculous is that though? The op and her child can’t even live in the moment. I, just being bitchy old me, would have told him to fuck off and taken my dc on the boat.

Are nice autumn walks and trips on boats too fun on the fun scale if the dsc find out?

@dontdisturbmenow in my case there are actually many complex reasons why we wouldn't always do everything EOW. Firstly, my partner and I are both freelance and don't work a conventional 5 day week. During busy periods (like now) my partner is usually working all day, past DDs bedtime, so doesn't get to spend any time with her, often for weeks on end. When he has any time off, which could be any random day of the week, we will do something together, and it will be fun. I currently don't drive, so for me and my DD to do anything besides go for a walk (without using public transport which is best avoided currently, we are in a high risk area), my partner needs to come. Not only that, but he wants to come, as he needs to get out of the house. He has his own mental health to consider, and the need to develop a bond with a two year old daughter who is becoming increasingly mummy centric as he is so often holed up working.

As for the blanket question of "why wouldn't" we always do everything on the EOW SS is here. Well, two of the three days involve too much travel to do anything substantial, so that's actually 2 days a month with potential to do a proper activity. But also, my SS behaves absolutely dreadfully on days out (he has ADHD) and there are lots of places we simply would not take him again. My daughter does not need to be, and should not be, punished for that.

None of it is motivated by saving money, we just do not think it is appropriate to save all "fun" for his brief visits. We have a life.

Many regularly pick weekends without the SCs because it's cheaper and the SC miss out.

When I was with a man with a child from a previous relationship, I was always doing things alone with the children as my ex couldn’t be bothered and he was always losing his jobs because he couldn’t be arsed going to work, so I went out with my parents with the children instead.
Too right I planned these bigger trips out for when dsc wasn’t with us for many reasons. But it was fine, because dsc got plenty of lovely trips out with their own mum.

Walks and trips to the park would be different, and I would do these at any time.

@funinthesun19 I agree with you, I plan things for just my children and do spontaneous activities and won't make them wait for sd to be with us.

@funinthesun19 I agree with you, I plan things for just my children and do spontaneous activities and won't make them wait for sd to be with us.

No it would be unfair on them to make them wait. You’re absolutely spot on.

I was once told off for talking about what a lovely half term my children had a couple of years ago. We went to the park a few times, did some treasure hunting activities that the park was running etc, and my eldest had a great time at his football club. Also went to a local play centre, so nothing absolutely spectacular. Just some simple fun activities.

Dsc at the time had just been on a trip with mum to visit some family members and had a great time. Dsc’s mum still came out with some snidey comments about how it’s alright for my children when she found out about them having a nice half term. To this day I’m still baffled by that comment but it did tell me a lot about how she truly felt about them getting on with life when dsc wasn’t here. Dsc has just hit teen years and was quite emotional at the time, so I think dsc was just really sensitive about feeling pushed out.

It was the beginning of the end though, as I thought I cannot cope with treading on eggshells in case my children eating an ice cream at the park upsets dsc and dealing with an mum who indulges it all. My ex just put his head in the sand and didn’t do anything to ease the situation for any of his children. So I thought fuck it, life’s too short to deal with this rubbish.

I can't completely relate, although it's MIL who makes a lot of snidey comments, she always puts dsd on a pedestal and makes comments in front of my children.
We had moved in to a new house and started decorating, 3 bed house so 1 room for my son and girls to share. We were all sat in her living room and she was sat cuddling dsd asking her what she thought of her little brothers room (we had started decorating his first) ,dsd said it's nice, MIL said is it perfect? I think yours is going to be better as your brothers is a practice room... I was absolutely furious! They are all her sons children and I have never understood why she does things like this.

We have many people putting dsd before our other children and I will not do that to them, they are only making a rod for their own backs anyway.

i can completely relate it should have said

Oh my god I would have been furious at that comment too It really makes my blood boil hearing stuff like that. How disrespectful towards her own grandson!

My ex MIL is another one like that so that’s probably why it pisses me off so much. She’s always favoured my children’s older sibling (my former dsc), and that sort of comment is actually the sort of thing she would say. My children have never been invited to sleepovers or trips out with Ex MIL, but she’s had dsc right from being tiny. Her Facebook profile is full of photos of dsc, and the only ones she’s got of my children are the ones she’s pinched! And then she had the cheek to ask why my parents didn’t take dsc out. It was laughable really that she couldn’t see what was wrong with that question.
A few years ago, all of the children needed some new clothes for summer. Dsc included. MIL only mentioned that dsc needs them, and I said all of them need some. And she said, “No, but dsc really needs some.” I replied with my previous comment and she got annoyed at me.
They all fucking needed some equally, why couldn’t she just accept that? It was one of the most bizarre conversations I’ve ever had but it proved that she thought dsc was the only one that mattered.

Just to add, my children really didn’t have anything to wear for summer so I needed to buy for all. But apparently only dsc was desperate for some.

My ex never did anything with our kids but only 1 year after meeting his new partner, he went away for 10 days to Turkey with her and her two kids. At first he lied to our kids about it, then he promised that he would take them somewhere special the following summer

Maybe his partner paid for the trip? Should he have refused a gifted trip because it might offend his kids? As you have said they have lots of trips with you.

I had this last year... my DP came away with me and my kids and my SCs and their mum kicked you a stink.
My SCs go abroad at least once a year with their mum, my DCs hadn’t been away for over 3 years.

I saved up to take my DCs on holiday, they are not siblings to my SCs as DP and I have no kids together. I didn’t want to take my SCs or pay for them to go. I paid for DP to come with us though as he hadn’t had a holiday in years either and we’d never been on holiday together.
I didn’t feel bad or guilty for not paying for my SCs as it wasn’t about them, it was about taking my DCs on holiday and them having a nice holiday with me. DP came along as my partner.

Couldn't your children have just squeezed in to last year's clothes to please her, or for that matter just sweated away in long sleeved tops and jeans whilst gazing up at dsc on an almighty pedestal in new summer gear

They do things like this but we have to treat all children completely equally to the point where ours actually get less thought of.
Not on our watch @funinthesun19

@SpongebobNoPants

My ex never did anything with our kids but only 1 year after meeting his new partner, he went away for 10 days to Turkey with her and her two kids. At first he lied to our kids about it, then he promised that he would take them somewhere special the following summer

Maybe his partner paid for the trip? Should he have refused a gifted trip because it might offend his kids? As you have said they have lots of trips with you.

I had this last year... my DP came away with me and my kids and my SCs and their mum kicked you a stink.
My SCs go abroad at least once a year with their mum, my DCs hadn’t been away for over 3 years.

I saved up to take my DCs on holiday, they are not siblings to my SCs as DP and I have no kids together. I didn’t want to take my SCs or pay for them to go. I paid for DP to come with us though as he hadn’t had a holiday in years either and we’d never been on holiday together.
I didn’t feel bad or guilty for not paying for my SCs as it wasn’t about them, it was about taking my DCs on holiday and them having a nice holiday with me. DP came along as my partner.

Nah, he could do anything with this poster’s kids that doesn’t involve a lot of money, but just too lazy. He had more energy to do something with his new partner and her kids

Sounds like MIL is still bitter about the fact her son got a divorced. It not you personally but Still very horrible thing to say. I wouldn’t talk to her anymore if she is going to play favorites.

He had more energy to do something with his new partner and her kids
I suspect that’s because he’s a shit dad overall. His partners kids probably seem easier to do things with as she’s parenting them and he doesn’t have to do anything so he’s just along for a fun time.
He’d actually have to parent l his own kids. Shocking behaviour

Couldn't your children have just squeezed in to last year's clothes to please her, or for that matter just sweated away in long sleeved tops and jeans whilst gazing up at dsc on an almighty pedestal in new summer gear

Oh yes, I should have just made my own children make do with what they had. Silly me! And then spent the money saved on dsc obviously.

They do things like this but we have to treat all children completely equally to the point where ours actually get less thought of.
Not on our watch @funinthesun19

So true. I grew sick of having to be the bigger person and make everything equal while other people just carried on their own set ways. There’s only so much of being the bigger person you can do before you actually become party to your children being treated like shit/second best and I wasn’t prepared to look back on my children’s childhood knowing that I went along with my children being begrudged everything but their sibling was allowed everything. My ex was useless so he wasn’t going to change anything with his mum.

I just leave them all to it nowadays and I get on with my own life with my children. Still pisses me off looking back though.

DC1, it’s all about you and our lives stop when you aren’t there - I hereby challenge you not to grow into an entitle PITA”

“DC2, you’re not that special, so no, we won’t be going to the beach this sunny day, we have to wait two weeks for the important child to be here and hope the weathers as good that day - I hereby challenge you not to grow up feeling second born and second best”

…………………………………

Absolutely spot on.

@Coffeepot72

DC1, it’s all about you and our lives stop when you aren’t there - I hereby challenge you not to grow into an entitle PITA”

“DC2, you’re not that special, so no, we won’t be going to the beach this sunny day, we have to wait two weeks for the important child to be here and hope the weathers as good that day - I hereby challenge you not to grow up feeling second born and second best”

…………………………………

Absolutely spot on.

How about asking dc2 if he like to wait so his older sibling can join him? My daughter always wanted her brother do things with her. Its not about one person is treating more important than the other.

I am a middle child of five kids myself and I never felt unimportant

How about asking dc2 if he like to wait so his older sibling can join him? My daughter always wanted her brother do things with her.

That would be ok if it isn’t always like that. Dc2 should still be able to live in the moment and enjoy some unplanned things. Like one day they all get up and it’s a beautiful day so they decide to go to the seaside but Dc1 is elsewhere. It would be a waste of a sunny day especially in this country to say oh we’ll just wait until such and such a date and then the day is wasted.

Its not about one person is treating more important than the other.

It would become that though if Dc2 always has to wait for Dc1’s grand arrival before they can do anything fun.

I thinking asking if they'd like to wait is almost a bit guilt inducing. I don't like it.

How about asking dc2 if he like to wait so his older sibling can join him?

Is DC1 supposed to be sitting on their hands the rest of the time, waiting for contact with dad before doing anything fun? Their mother, if she’s worth the title, wouldn’t allow it. They get to live a full life without anyone guilting them to wait all the time in case their sibling feels excluded.

@TrustTheGeneGenie

I thinking asking if they'd like to wait is almost a bit guilt inducing. I don't like it.

Yup, sends the message that fun only counts with others.

No one is talking about holidays or theme parks here. Finances permitting, just carry on with whatever you want to do. Then if it was brilliant, maybe do it again on a contact weekend if you want to.