Wife insists that I watch 10yr old step son while she is at work

[Conradicus]

Hi everyone, just looking for some opinions on what is a sensible course of action.

simple situation: Today is Wednesday, and I scheduled a rehearsal with my band for this Friday. I don't work Wednesday, and the other members are free that day as well. So, because this is the only time we will be able to meet before one of our members has to leave town for a week, and because everyone is free, i confirmed my availability. When my wife came home after work (step son in bed) I told her that I had a rehearsal first thing when I saw her. She immediately became defensive and said that I had to watch her son. She goes to work at 3:30, and the rehearsal starts at noon and won't go for more than 5 hrs. It immediately became a problem where she brought our marriage into question, stating that he needs to be my #1 priority and that all else follows. She said that if I was unable to work something else out, that I would have to cancel. Bear in mind that weekdays, he is home alone for between 4-5 hours because both of us work (he is in online school due to the pandemic).

Now, the difficulty is that she is unwilling to compromise, and that it is MY responsibility to work something out so that I can go to the rehearsal. I proposed 3 things. 1. That I come home at 3:30 when she goes to work. 2 That we have the rehearsal at our house. 3. I ask my sister to watch him. the first two she outright denied as being a possibility even though neither directly effects her, and the 3rd, she says that it's my job to ask my sister to watch her son. This band is one of my top priorities in life, and when she married me, she knew that I aspire to become a professional musician. I just want some help with how to talk with her about this without sending her the false message that her son is not important to me. He is very important to me and I love him and care about his well being and education. What can I do? is two days in advance too short of notice? Is she being uncompromising or is it just me because I want to be able to fully dedicate myself to this band, which she knows is very very important to me.

Thanks, name redacted by MNHQ

So she chooses to leave her own ds alone for 4-5 hours a day and that’s fine

If you went to rehearsal and came back after your 5hours your dss would be alone for 90mins

I dare say he could call you too if there were any problems

I would tell dw that care of her ds is first and foremost her responsibility and that you’ll support her in that but you won’t be held to different rules than she sets for herself.

Your priorities aren’t the same as hers, as is right. Her priorities don’t seem to focus on her dss enough either.

FWIW my ds was ok to be left for a short period of time and actually relished it, but not as much as 5-6 hours! His care is my responsibility.

This is a red flag mate, file it somewhere safe, and keep an eye on this situation. She doesn’t sound a good person to be involved with.

She’s alluded to you placing the relationship at risk because you’re not doing what she’s insisting on... that works both ways. You can counter with “if you’re going to try to force
Me to do more than you yourself are doing for your own child and threatening a split if I don’t, then this perhaps isn’t the marriage I’d hoped for“

Keep your eyes open.

I think if you're married, and yes you do say 'wife' in your OP, you should look after him above your own needs.

If you aren't married, no matter how long you've been together, he isn't your responsibility.

Her child, her responsibility. She sounds selfish and demanding. Leave her to sort it herself.

Am I understanding this right?

A stepdad must follow his wife's orders at all times, take full responsibility for any supervision needed and have no plans, hobbies or commitments of his own as he has responsibilities.

A step mum must, under no circumstances be expected to compromise a moment of her life for her husbands children, if they don't have child care for whatever reason the step children must be immediately be returned to their mum or paid childcare arranged.

Is it double standards or are completely different people finding this in active posts?

There is so much room for middle ground here, the op proposed a perfectly reasonable compromise.

I think if you're married, and yes you do say 'wife' in your OP, you should look after him above your own needs.

This doesn't make sense. Nobody would say this about a step-mother because they would assume that the child already had a mother who was perfectly capable of performing that role.

If there is no other parent and the step-parent is supposed to act as a parent, then that should be formalised as an adoption, for the benefit of all parties.

You've tried to compromise by suggesting solutions. She's not meeting you halfway.

She's being really U - is there something else going on because it sounds like an over-reaction given that you have several solutions available. Like you coming back early.

1.5 hours is the upper limit of how long I would leave my 10 year old at home alone, but would be okay as a one off. Sounds likes she;s p'd off about the band in general.

She sounds quite controlling to be honest.
She is happy to leave the 10yr old for periods in excess of what most people would find acceptable, but you cant leave him for 90mins?
However YABU for referring to him as "her son" all the time. You are his stepfather, he is now your stepson, you sound like you hardly know him.
I feel sorry for the kid in all of this and hope he doesn't realise that he is a "problem" to you both.

@Pobblebonk

Seems odd to me that you are married and refer to him as “her son”

Not at all odd. This child isn't OP's son, he's his stepson.

DH has children, although they are adults with families. I refer to them as his sons and grandchildren as that's what they are.

It's not just that he is left alone for 4-5 hours. It's that he isn't going to school when schools in the UK and most of the world are open, and the assumption is that he is doing online school.

If it is a long standing arrangement then yes it is a bit of a pain to rearrange for her work.

If you are happy to look after your step son then you need to get this a bit more formal between you - if you see it a a ‘favour’ always rather than an ‘agreement’ then this kind of problem is going to arise.

I was foisted looking after my step kids but I was never asked and I was really cross about it. But if I had agreed, and then something had come up, I would have seen it as my responsibility to sort out as much as I could.

It sounds like you are not really up for this as a serious commitment, to look after him, so you should make that clear now.

I personally don't think he ahod he homeschooling himself or home alone for 5 hours at 10 years of age.

However she is so I can't see how she can object to 1.5 hours when it suits you not her.

I'd ask your sister, but I'd also ask what she is doing for childcare the next day he's due to be home alone.

Agree she objects to you arsing about with your mates half the day. Do you come he drunk? Is it liable to run into an all night thing? Have you been together for a decade, still out of tune singing covers and pretending you'll be famous one day?

The band is a secondary problem to the fact a ten year child is being left for extended periods of the time already, far too long alone.

It sounds to me like you both need a much more permanent childcare arrangement for him, he should have someone with him when you are working during the week, and ideally when you have band practice.

I would take him with you to deal with the immediate issue you have this week, and then sit down and make a plan with your wife so the child is well looked after.

Once you are married, your family come first, over and above hobbies and interests. You should know this already.

It would be nice if there was cooperation between both of you wrt organising alternative childcare. You ring your sis or she rings - it really doesn't matter.

I'm a single parent who manages to commit to rehearsals because I know in advance that I'll need to sort childcare.

The issue here seems to be communication. Were you not aware that you were needed to look after your DSS?

You need to put a system in place so that you each are aware of the others' commitments.

As for the comments from some posters suggesting the band should come last, if I was in a relationship where my partner thought this, I'd be off. Having said that, I'm very clear at the start of relationships that music is hugely important for me and that if I've already committed to gigs/rehearsals I can't just change these as I'd be letting people down.

It sounds like your wife resents your hobby. She is being very unreasonable.

You sound like an asshole.

Why is your band more of a priority than your step son?

That's your 10 year old step son who is ignored and left all weekend by himself and really could do with attention from a parent when they are available.

The fact you have to come onto mumsnet as ask whether you should be prioritising your 10 year old step son or your band and asking if your wife is unreasonable for asking you to do so speaks volumes.

This should be a no brainer of a decision.

@lunar1

Am I understanding this right?

A stepdad must follow his wife's orders at all times, take full responsibility for any supervision needed and have no plans, hobbies or commitments of his own as he has responsibilities.

A step mum must, under no circumstances be expected to compromise a moment of her life for her husbands children, if they don't have child care for whatever reason the step children must be immediately be returned to their mum or paid childcare arranged.

Is it double standards or are completely different people finding this in active posts?

There is so much room for middle ground here, the op proposed a perfectly reasonable compromise.

Nope.

Its about centring the kid rather than it being about whether the wife or husband is right.

The lack of this and the resentment of the child - "her son" - is quite telling.

@Conradicus have you actually asked your Sister if she could watch him ?

Your wife needs to sort of childcare for her son, it's really not okay to leave him alone for hours at a time at 10. Fair enough that you're now a couple but she is his mother and she needs to arrange childcare if she cant look after him. I'd be furious if my DP was constantly expecting me to look after his children

Not sure why you looking after him from 330 when that’s what time he needs looking after from, is an issue?? It’s not like you said feck your son I’m going out!! He’s obviously important to you, not sure why there’s an issue tbh. Just out of curiosity, how old is he? You say he’s left alone, so why can’t he be left alone until band practice is over??

Ultimately it’s not your child or your responsibility. You’ve given her 48 hours notice. Her problem.

Couple of things not making a lot of sense in your post - are you talking about the wednesday or the friday for this band rehearsal?
Next, is your stepson going to be at home all day doing online schooling, because if he is, then it makes perfect sense why you can't have band practice at the house, it would be too disruptive.
If he's used to being at home alone all day while you both work, then I can't see why an extra 1.5h is such an issue - he's obviously ok to be left that long, this makes no sense.

I can understand why she might take issue with your offer to be home at 3:30 - from my own husband, I know that he will often fail to arrive on time and make everyone else late if we're waiting for him to come home from his own hobby, because he "forgets" to keep an eye on the time - but again, why is it an issue if he's used to being on his own for as long as you're suggesting?

I also don't understand the point about your sister - of course it would be your responsibility to call your sister, that makes perfect sense, what's the problem here?

If you believe that she's actively trying to prevent you from going to your band practice for no good reason, then that IS unreasonable - but it's hard to tell for sure because of the above confusions.