Wife insists that I watch 10yr old step son while she is at work

[Conradicus]

Hi everyone, just looking for some opinions on what is a sensible course of action.

simple situation: Today is Wednesday, and I scheduled a rehearsal with my band for this Friday. I don't work Wednesday, and the other members are free that day as well. So, because this is the only time we will be able to meet before one of our members has to leave town for a week, and because everyone is free, i confirmed my availability. When my wife came home after work (step son in bed) I told her that I had a rehearsal first thing when I saw her. She immediately became defensive and said that I had to watch her son. She goes to work at 3:30, and the rehearsal starts at noon and won't go for more than 5 hrs. It immediately became a problem where she brought our marriage into question, stating that he needs to be my #1 priority and that all else follows. She said that if I was unable to work something else out, that I would have to cancel. Bear in mind that weekdays, he is home alone for between 4-5 hours because both of us work (he is in online school due to the pandemic).

Now, the difficulty is that she is unwilling to compromise, and that it is MY responsibility to work something out so that I can go to the rehearsal. I proposed 3 things. 1. That I come home at 3:30 when she goes to work. 2 That we have the rehearsal at our house. 3. I ask my sister to watch him. the first two she outright denied as being a possibility even though neither directly effects her, and the 3rd, she says that it's my job to ask my sister to watch her son. This band is one of my top priorities in life, and when she married me, she knew that I aspire to become a professional musician. I just want some help with how to talk with her about this without sending her the false message that her son is not important to me. He is very important to me and I love him and care about his well being and education. What can I do? is two days in advance too short of notice? Is she being uncompromising or is it just me because I want to be able to fully dedicate myself to this band, which she knows is very very important to me.

Thanks, name redacted by MNHQ

It immediately became a problem where she brought our marriage into question, stating that he needs to be my #1 priority and that all else follows.

🤣 your marriage should be in question, but it should be you leaving her. Like hell does she get to demand her child is your number 1 priority. She's being incredibly rude and incredibly entitled and the comments on this thread are absolutely batshit. But then there are a lot of people who think like your wife on Mumsnet.

I would not stay in this relationship. If she wants you to look after her child she should be asking nicely but he is HER child and HER responsibility and if you have plans, she needs to sort out her own childcare. I actually cannot imagine being so self absorbed I would tell someone their life should revolve around my child and he should be their number 1 priority in life, it's beyond belief.

Its about centring the kid rather than it being about whether the wife or husband is right

But apparantly it’s totally unreasonable for a man to expect his wife to do this for her step child. And everyone wants to know where the mother is.

But when it’s a man, he is supposed to do exactly as required, with no compromise, no life of his own above that of the step child’s and no one gives a fuck where the real father is.

Such bullshit double standards. It’s cringe worthy,

Honestly reading through the early comments on this thread is giving me the rage, there's too much bullshit to even quote 🥴

All these people saying marrying his wife means he should make her son his top priority in life, mocking him for thinking he has any right to have hobbies outside of the "family", telling him his wife is entirely reasonable to expect him to sort out alternative childcare for her kid, and to expect him to give up his hobbies and passions because her son is more important. How do people this entitled and delusional actually exist???

Do the people on this thread genuinely have these expectations of their partners, and are there actually suckers out there that put up with it??

This is entirely her responsibility and the comments from people early on this thread about the level of sacrifice he should "expect" for the honour of being her husband are genuinely disturbing.

Marriage does not make you the defects babysitter. Nor does marriage require you to give up on your career or avocational interest.

I think that a 10 year old should have someone at home with him and if you are not available, it should be your wife's priority to find a sitter.

Her son should be "her" first priority. My husband plays golf on some weekends and that takes up the entire day. If either of us for some reason needs to find a sitter , it becomes our responsibility to do so. We would never make assumptions about the others availability.

Many single parents raise kids and often have to resolve such situations on a frequent basis. Your wife is being both childish and controlling. What would she do if you were ill or had to work?

You are a spouse but not simply a convenience when she does not wish to be bothered finding an alternative solution. She should not get to determine how much time you devote to a hobby or pursuit that you had prior to marriage and one that does not prohibit your ability to provide for your family or take part in mutually agreed upon activities.

Perhaps, she might ask her son's father or grandparents to assist or simply pay a sitter. How did she handle such matters prior to marrying you?

I would choose the music - it is less demanding and controlling than she sounds.

I think I would, too!

This thread is ridonculous.

1. she sounds intensely controlling and quite manipulative. Who throws out that their marriage is in question over something like this?
2. Her son is not your first responsibility. He is her first responsibility. Anyone who then can help/ assist her is optional and she should be grateful, as opposed to entitled.
3. If this thread was reversed (a man telling a SM this, there would be outrage on here). I am sorry that there are so many (frankly) hypocritical posters.

Her child, her problem to sort childcare. Not yours. If she needs your help, she does so respectfully. If she can’t? Absolutely tell her the marriage is in problems. I’d laugh my partner out the room if BS like this left his mouth (and I’d fully expect the reverse if I ever spoke to them this way).

Most people commenting on this board are not stepparents, they answer they wish they partner behaved towards their children. I mean who wouldn't want that someone else takes care of our children when we don't want it?
I was a single mother with an ex who abandonned our son and while I WISHED my partner took the parental role, I couldn't dream about REQUESTING it.
Looks like your wife thinks that you value your marriage more than she does. Her threat is even STUPID, if she divorces who's going to watch her son? Or does she think that men will line up to do it just to be with her?
Having said this, I agree that there's more to it than childcare. She probably knows that she can make you feel guilty about her son, but the real reason is something else and only she knows what it is. And only you decide whether you want to talk to her to find out what the hell is her problem or rethink your relationship.
She doesn't get to dictate to you what your priorities should be. Obviously in a good relationship, both people talk and make compromises, but nobody decides to the other one.

*This thread is ridonculous.

1. she sounds intensely controlling and quite manipulative. Who throws out that their marriage is in question over something like this?
2. Her son is not your first responsibility. He is her first responsibility. Anyone who then can help/ assist her is optional and she should be grateful, as opposed to entitled.
3. If this thread was reversed (a man telling a SM this, there would be outrage on here). I am sorry that there are so many (frankly) hypocritical posters.

Her child, her problem to sort childcare. Not yours. If she needs your help, she does so respectfully. If she can’t? Absolutely tell her the marriage is in problems. I’d laugh my partner out the room if BS like this left his mouth (and I’d fully expect the reverse if I ever spoke to them this way).*

The voice of reason 👏

Does your wife start at 3.30 every day? If so, how is left alone for so long? What hours do you normally work? She's with him til 3.30, then what? Surely he's not alone from that time, over dinnertime?

Anyway, that aside, your wife sounds like a nightmare. And the replies on here are absolutely mind blowing, considering the replies an SM would have received.

All through this pandemic and before, there's been threads where SM's are told he kids aren't their responsibility, doesn't matter if they work, don't work, have their own DC.

I assume you are actually a man? (I see you posted your name, but it's been redacted)

When he married her he made a lifelong commitment to her son too

Rubbish.

He didn't make a commitment to her son and if they split up tomorrow, he would have no legal right to see him, nor would he be required to financially support him.

He doesn't have parental responsibility for his stepson.

If you were posting as a woman, everyone would be supporting you OP... once again the double standards are out in full force.

And what's the child's father doing?

I agree. I always think that in these situations then it should at least be thought about that the child goes to their other parent, whether it’s to the mum or the dad.

But people on here are usually so furiously against this idea. Well, they are when it’s a SM with plans and it’s suggested that the child goes to their mum’s. People might be more relaxed when it’s suggested that the child goes to their dad’s.

@funinthesun19

Apart from a few people raising the question of the child's father, no one's given a shit about him, they'd rather have a pop at the OP.

This is just WRONG!
You should never be obliged to watch your wife's kids!!!! I understand all the bla bla bla about being married to a person that has kids and such, but she cannot tell you you HAVE TO WATCH HER SON. No, my friend, YOU DO NOT HAVE TO WATCH HER SON. She has to make arrangements.
It all sounded to me like she doesn't care about your band and is looking for an excuse for you to be busy and not go to your gig.
Seriously, is she's bringing your marriage up because of stuff like that, get ready: You'll be a single parent when you have your own children, because if right now she thinks it's YOUR JOB to look after HER KID, then it'll be 100000% your job to look after your kid.

I think OP has gone...

she sounds intensely controlling and quite manipulative. Who throws out that their marriage is in question over something like this?

LOL.

We are clearly not getting the full story here, from the individual who wants to devote himself fully to his professional music career.

Many single parents raise kids and often have to resolve such situations on a frequent basis. Your wife is being both childish and controlling. What would she do if you were ill or had to work?

Presumably she would be a lot more flexible than she was when faced with a completely optional five hour long band session which she was told about as a fait accompli, not discussed with her even though she was the one the OP expected her to figure out a childcare arrangement to facilitate his important band practice.

The point here is that neither of the individuals is a single parent. The OP - and several posters here - are arguing that even though the wife is married she should consider herself a single parent.

All these people saying marrying his wife means he should make her son his top priority in life, mocking him for thinking he has any right to have hobbies outside of the "family", telling him his wife is entirely reasonable to expect him to sort out alternative childcare for her kid, and to expect him to give up his hobbies and passions because her son is more important. How do people this entitled and delusional actually exist???

Do the people on this thread genuinely have these expectations of their partners, and are there actually suckers out there that put up with it??

This is entirely her responsibility and the comments from people early on this thread about the level of sacrifice he should "expect" for the honour of being her husband are genuinely disturbing.

Let's ask the OP who does the laundry and the cooking in his household. Also who keeps the grocery lists, planning for holidays, and all the rest of the shit that mostly falls to women regardless of what they have to sacrifice in order to keep things ticking over smoothly. I bet he is very happy to take advantage of all the domestic services offered by marriage.

If it turns out the OP does all of that then he can order himself a crown and consider himself a king among men; the lockdown has provided overwhelming evidence that men do not pull their weight at all in their own homes and there have been predictions that women will not recover from the hit to their careers inflicted by trying to work from home while at the same time do the childcare that men are seemingly oblivious to or consider their jobs too important to compromise.

If it turns out the OP does all of that then he can order himself a crown and consider himself a king among men; the lockdown has provided overwhelming evidence that men do not pull their weight at all in their own homes and there have been predictions that women will not recover from the hit to their careers inflicted by trying to work from home while at the same time do the childcare that men are seemingly oblivious to or consider their jobs too important to compromise.

OP is not the child's father, so he is not too oblivious to consider looking after him his job, it actually ISN'T his job. If his wife's career has taken a hit because of having her son that is entirely her problem, because he is her son. It's not OPs job to share the burden.

*Presumably she would be a lot more flexible than she was when faced with a completely optional five hour long band session which she was told about as a fait accompli, not discussed with her even though she was the one the OP expected her to figure out a childcare arrangement to facilitate his important band practice.

The point here is that neither of the individuals is a single parent. The OP - and several posters here - are arguing that even though the wife is married she should consider herself a single parent.*

Again, why are you talking about OP as if he is the child's father? Yes of course she should figure out her own childcare arrangement, because the first person she asked isn't free. She needs to "facilitate" her own child. Would you expect any other potential babysitter to cancel their plans to watch your kid on the basis that those plans were in your view "optional"? Incredibly rude if so.

She is not a single woman, but yes she is a single parent. She is not with the child's dad so she is the only one in the relationship responsible for her son. Anything OP does for her in terms of childcare is a favour, but frankly I wouldn't be granting her any with an attitude like this.

@mathanxiety

Would you say the same sort of thing to a step mother ? Step mums on here are told all the time that they shouldn't presume to be a parent for the child.

And very few people have mentioned the child's actual father. Where's he in all this? Does he actually look after his child?

But then, given that the child has already been left alone for hours at a time, I think this is about the wife not being happy about something else, probably the band stuff. They need to sit down and talk this out.

LOL at the whatabouttery.

Step mums here are told no such thing. You just made that up.

Where is the child's actual father?
Sometimes it's actually in the best interests of the child not to have their biological father in their lives. Sometimes women find themselves single mothers because their child's father is an abuser.

So he is possibly nowhere to be found. It's really easy for men to get out of parenting. It's sad to see so many presumably women here on this thread willing to get behind the proposition that that is a good thing, providing all sorts of silly excuses to support a complete lack of responsibility, utter selfishness, and an attempt by a man to have his cake and eat it. You are saying here that this poor henpecked diddums has no more responsibility toward the two other people in his home than a lodger would.

Here's how adults conduct their lives when they form a household together and that household includes a child - they run decisions on spending five hour blocks of time on their hobby while their partner has to be at work and a child needs supervision past each other before committing. They remember that they have responsibilities to their partner and the children of the household that come before their loyalty to their mates from the band.

It's called being a grown up.

Anything OP does for her in terms of childcare is a favour, but frankly I wouldn't be granting her any with an attitude like this.
@aSofaNearYou
Hopefully the woman in this sorry case will come to her senses and throw out this useless waste of space.

Certainly it's time to consider an end to her cooking, laundry, and house cleaning services, to say nothing of the sexual services he no doubt expects with the territory. Happily she seems to be thinking along those lines.

You have completely misread the OP, by the way.
Would you expect any other potential babysitter to cancel their plans to watch your kid on the basis that those plans were in your view "optional"? Incredibly rude if so.
He presented the wife with the new arrangement involving the band when she arrived home from work late in the evening, clearly breaking an arrangement they had made.

In other words, he was doing exactly what you think is unacceptable - he decided that his agreement on childcare was 'optional'. This is more than rude, and the wife is absolutely justified in calling their marriage into question.

If the DSS is at home because of the pandemic it doesn't really make sense that you're going to band practise or inviting other people into the house (your DSIS or the band). In fact, it sounds irresponsible.

So yy I can see why your DW would be annoyed that you left her last minute with no childcare and your solutions are to expose her DS to more people during a pandemic. And that you are needlessly exposing yourself to the band members too.

Ugh! LTB.

Joking aside, she seems dictatorial. Unwilling to make compromises. This attitude doesn't bode well for a marriage. And I feel sorry for your DSS, whose views and wishes are unknown and therefore probably unimportant.

@mathanxiety Dear Lord, what are you smoking? No I haven't misread the OP, you have misread MY post. I don't think it's in the slightest bit unthinkable for someone being asked (or in this case rudely ordered) to babysit to say "no I have plans that day." At all. What IS unthinkable is the ridiculous group of entitled parents (including you by the sounds) who think they can tell someone no actually they DON'T have plans because it's not important, and I want you to watch my kid instead. OP is more than entitled to view his band practice as more important than babysitting for his wife.

The only scenario where there is any argument a step parent "owes" their partner any childcare is if they aren't working and are therefore being supported by their spouses wages, and need to help in any way they can to facilitate them working.

There's no evidence at all to support your archaic notion that the wife is busy slaving away at the stove and granting "sexual services" she herself gets nothing out of to her lazy husband. It's not the 1950s and she isn't a prostitute.

The audacity you must have to bang on about an entirely fabricated scenario where OP is forcing all this work on his wife, whilst explicitly advocating people with children getting into relationships and dictating to those people that they must give up all their time and interests to provide childcare for their wife's child. I honestly don't know what goes through the head of people like you.