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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Wife insists that I watch 10yr old step son while she is at work

196 replies

Conradicus · 24/09/2020 04:26

Hi everyone, just looking for some opinions on what is a sensible course of action.

simple situation: Today is Wednesday, and I scheduled a rehearsal with my band for this Friday. I don't work Wednesday, and the other members are free that day as well. So, because this is the only time we will be able to meet before one of our members has to leave town for a week, and because everyone is free, i confirmed my availability. When my wife came home after work (step son in bed) I told her that I had a rehearsal first thing when I saw her. She immediately became defensive and said that I had to watch her son. She goes to work at 3:30, and the rehearsal starts at noon and won't go for more than 5 hrs. It immediately became a problem where she brought our marriage into question, stating that he needs to be my #1 priority and that all else follows. She said that if I was unable to work something else out, that I would have to cancel. Bear in mind that weekdays, he is home alone for between 4-5 hours because both of us work (he is in online school due to the pandemic).

Now, the difficulty is that she is unwilling to compromise, and that it is MY responsibility to work something out so that I can go to the rehearsal. I proposed 3 things. 1. That I come home at 3:30 when she goes to work. 2 That we have the rehearsal at our house. 3. I ask my sister to watch him. the first two she outright denied as being a possibility even though neither directly effects her, and the 3rd, she says that it's my job to ask my sister to watch her son. This band is one of my top priorities in life, and when she married me, she knew that I aspire to become a professional musician. I just want some help with how to talk with her about this without sending her the false message that her son is not important to me. He is very important to me and I love him and care about his well being and education. What can I do? is two days in advance too short of notice? Is she being uncompromising or is it just me because I want to be able to fully dedicate myself to this band, which she knows is very very important to me.

Thanks, name redacted by MNHQ

OP posts:

Imloosingmyshit · 24/09/2020 09:29

Oops sorry. Just realised he is 10. That’s too young to leave for hours at a time on his own. And it’s not fair. Think you. BOTH need to sort out childcare for him. Maybe sit down each week and compare Rotas etc and make sure he is prioritised. You took him in when you married her so it’s not just up to her. But I don’t know why she didn’t like tour suggestions???

monkeyonthetable · 24/09/2020 09:30

Can you have the rehearsal at your house? He can either do his own thing in his room, help out by bringing drinks and snacks or hand him an easy percussion instrument and get him to join in.

LadyFrumpington · 24/09/2020 09:30

You should be working as a team thats part of marriage
But all three solutions are fine... I think she is being very/too picky

JamesTKirkcompatible · 24/09/2020 09:31

rereading your post, the first part is all about it's Wednesday and I told her as soon as she got home blah blah.... I think you were down for childcare on Friday all day and you just decided it's fine to leave him from the 3.30 til whenever, after a week where he was already being left a lot... then you told your wife late at night with one day's notice. That wouldn't have gone down well with me if I was her, tbh

Sidewinder30 · 24/09/2020 09:34

Well, her child's childcare is her responsibility. It's great to take on what you can, because you live in a family. But when you can't do it, she needs to sort some childcare. Very good of you to suggest your sister, but your wife needs to find other options too.

LannieDuck · 24/09/2020 09:37

Do you normally do childcare on Fridays? If so, YABU.

ladybee28 · 24/09/2020 09:43

Unfortunately, a lot of families that involve step-relationships just start trying to live life without actually discussing and agreeing the expectations and responsibilities up front and in the open.

You can see it here in the thread – assumptions about what being a step-parent (or the husband of a woman who has a child, which isn't always the same thing) means, when it's different for everyone.

Some families agree equal responsibility for the kids. Others (like mine) agree that the child is the responsibility of the parent, and the partner will step in as and when required and appropriate, and always with the right to say 'no'.

OP, you haven't said in your post what you and your wife have agreed about who's responsible for childcare, so I'm assuming that there's also some assumptions happening in your relationship.

The solutions you've proposed are perfectly reasonable.

Having said that, the maths here doesn't add up at all. If your wife is fine with her 10 year old being home alone for up to 5 hours a day, her concern over 90 minutes is odd.

There's something else going on here to have her respond so intensely over this particular situation. Find out what that is, and things will get clearer.

merrymouse · 24/09/2020 09:45

The glaring issue is that if the OP is in the U.K. there is a place that will care for the child between the hours of 9 and 3.30 - school.

If, despite both parents needing to leave the house for work, there is a health issue that means he can’t attend school, this is clearly relevant but hasn’t been mentioned.

Pobblebonk · 24/09/2020 09:56

@merrymouse

The glaring issue is that if the OP is in the U.K. there is a place that will care for the child between the hours of 9 and 3.30 - school.

If, despite both parents needing to leave the house for work, there is a health issue that means he can’t attend school, this is clearly relevant but hasn’t been mentioned.

He does say the child is in online school due to the pandemic. Presumably either the whole school is closed or his bubble group has been sent home.

Meggymoo777 · 24/09/2020 09:58

@lunar1

Am I understanding this right?

A stepdad must follow his wife's orders at all times, take full responsibility for any supervision needed and have no plans, hobbies or commitments of his own as he has responsibilities.

A step mum must, under no circumstances be expected to compromise a moment of her life for her husbands children, if they don't have child care for whatever reason the step children must be immediately be returned to their mum or paid childcare arranged.

Is it double standards or are completely different people finding this in active posts?

There is so much room for middle ground here, the op proposed a perfectly reasonable compromise.

This ^^

Honestly the double standards in this thread are absolutely shocking

IrmaFayLear · 24/09/2020 10:00

It doesn’t sound like the uk...

Dh’s friend moved in with a woman with dcs. It all fell apart very quickly as the woman assumed too quickly that dh’s friend was an equal partner and father, with her scheduling school runs/going to activities/cooking rotas etc etc. Dh’s friend was enthusiastic, but it soured as she was treating him like a dh of 20 years and father of the dcs, when he was not.

lottiegarbanzo · 24/09/2020 10:06

Sounds like you're not n the UK. Is your DSS's school not open?

A ten year-old is too young to be left alone for 4-5 hours every day (or any hours at all, IMO). If he was 12, sensible and had a neighbour or someone nearby to turn to straight away, if something went wrong, then maybe for an hour or two. Five hours would still be too long.
You and your wife need to plan ahead better, together.
You both need to decide what your priorities and responsibilities are and agree those, together. (If you can't do this, you shouldn't be married to each other).

It sounds like you did already know she's at work on Friday but made your own choice about your DSS, on the grounds that he's left alone at other times, so might as well be left alone some more.

It all sounds like a very neglectful situation for the poor child.

lottiegarbanzo · 24/09/2020 10:09

So, your wife needs to plan childcare better (starting by recognising that childcare is needed for a 10 year-old!).

You both need to talk through your priorities, responsibilities and schedules, so that everyone knows where their responsibilities lie, so what the regular schedule is, when they're free to make their own plans and when they need to check with the other person before committing to anything.

Codexdivinchi · 24/09/2020 10:10

Funny to see that if this was reversed the SM would be told that the SS is not her responsibility and the parent sorts childcare out...

lottiegarbanzo · 24/09/2020 10:14

What you can't do, either of you, is just wing it, making individual decisions on the basis of assumptions.

As with most posts on MN, the answer is 'communicate!'. Talk to each other properly, at a mutually convenient, calm time.

kirinm · 24/09/2020 10:16

I think your wife is being unreasonable BUT as someone whose ex-husband was a semi-professional musician, I can say it is annoying as shit. The band was more important and rehearsals took precedence over everything. It drove me mad. That isn't the only reason he is an ex now but it definitely contributed.

CaledoniaCatalan · 24/09/2020 10:17

YANBU op
You seem to have come up with perfectly reasonable solutions to this situation, if you wife decides she's not happy with these it's up to her to sort something out.

willowmelangell · 24/09/2020 10:20

10 is too young to be left alone.

Your wife insists you are responsible(on this occasion) to provide childcare. You have come up with 3 solutions.
Her digging her heels in suggests to me that actually she is far from cool about your band practice.
She either books time off or accepts one of your very reasonable solutions.
I should hope she also gets similar time off out of the house. If she doesn't, maybe this is the root of her defensiveness.

movingonup20 · 24/09/2020 10:26

Far more concerned you are regularly leaving a 10 year old. I'm guessing you aren't in the uk (our schools are back) because it's wholly unacceptable here.

ZoeTurtle · 24/09/2020 10:27

This isn't about her son; she's fed up of the band. I think you might have to choose her or your music before long...

merrymouse · 24/09/2020 10:29

Presumably either the whole school is closed or his bubble group has been sent home.

But this would be a temporary problem which is very relevant.

Helping your partner out of a hole in an emergency isn’t the same as being asked to abandon your musical career.

MulticolourMophead · 24/09/2020 10:38

@worldweary45

Why is it on Mumsnet when a step mother posts about a father's expectation that she looks after his child on her day off, there are loads of shouts of 'his child, his responsibility' -but when a step father posts the same thing he's told to step up and take some parental responsibility?

OP -she's pissed off about the 5 hour band rehearsal, this has nothing to do with childcare

I agree with this.

I also like the suggestion from a pp that you have him with you at rehearsal, maybe even teach him if he wants.

HeckyPeck · 24/09/2020 10:39

Here are my thoughts (for what they are worth):

he needs to be my #1 priority and that all else follows

Completely disagree with her here. My DSD is one of my priorities but she isn’t elevated above all else. I certainly wouldn’t not do a hobby because my DH wanted me to do more for her than he does (i.e look after her if he was happy for her to be alone when he was at work)

I had a longstanding agreement that I’d look after her on a Friday evening (I wouldn’t agree to this for the record!) then cancelling but coming up with other ideas (two being not actually cancelling) is fine.

I think you need to have a proper talk with your wife about expectations etc.

HeckyPeck · 24/09/2020 10:40

This isn't about her son; she's fed up of the band. I think you might have to choose her or your music before long...

I would choose the music - it is less demanding and controlling than she sounds.

MulticolourMophead · 24/09/2020 10:40

And what's the child's father doing?

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