Wife insists that I watch 10yr old step son while she is at work

[Conradicus]

Hi everyone, just looking for some opinions on what is a sensible course of action.

simple situation: Today is Wednesday, and I scheduled a rehearsal with my band for this Friday. I don't work Wednesday, and the other members are free that day as well. So, because this is the only time we will be able to meet before one of our members has to leave town for a week, and because everyone is free, i confirmed my availability. When my wife came home after work (step son in bed) I told her that I had a rehearsal first thing when I saw her. She immediately became defensive and said that I had to watch her son. She goes to work at 3:30, and the rehearsal starts at noon and won't go for more than 5 hrs. It immediately became a problem where she brought our marriage into question, stating that he needs to be my #1 priority and that all else follows. She said that if I was unable to work something else out, that I would have to cancel. Bear in mind that weekdays, he is home alone for between 4-5 hours because both of us work (he is in online school due to the pandemic).

Now, the difficulty is that she is unwilling to compromise, and that it is MY responsibility to work something out so that I can go to the rehearsal. I proposed 3 things. 1. That I come home at 3:30 when she goes to work. 2 That we have the rehearsal at our house. 3. I ask my sister to watch him. the first two she outright denied as being a possibility even though neither directly effects her, and the 3rd, she says that it's my job to ask my sister to watch her son. This band is one of my top priorities in life, and when she married me, she knew that I aspire to become a professional musician. I just want some help with how to talk with her about this without sending her the false message that her son is not important to me. He is very important to me and I love him and care about his well being and education. What can I do? is two days in advance too short of notice? Is she being uncompromising or is it just me because I want to be able to fully dedicate myself to this band, which she knows is very very important to me.

Thanks, name redacted by MNHQ

I dont understand this marriage is suppose to be a teamwork, my dh has ds when I'm at work if he's not at his dads, he's one of and kids and going to work to contribute to the household, he would never question why he wouldn't have ds.

To: Taking on the World
Legally and biologically he is her son. The OP has no legal , moral or biological claim to this child. If the mom were to walk out of the door tomorrow or sadly die tomorrow, the OP would have no standing or claim to "this son."
A marriage license only creates a relationship between the man and the woman ; children do not convey in a marriage.

My husband has a disability that limits his driving ability at night.. My marriage did not make me his defacto night time taxi or chauffeur. He. managed all of his night time activities prior to marrying me and is more than capable of doing so now that he is married to me. His disability was part of the baggage that came with him, but he married me to have a wife and companion not to acquire a taxi driver or chauffeur.
The wife is an adult. This cannot be the first time that she has had to make alternative child care arrangements. This is a responsibility that comes not with marriage but with parenting.

2. Stop calling him "her son". You are married, he is a joint responsibility

Can someone explain why this is a problem? My husband had two children. I don't refer to them as my sons.

Calling them my husband's children is fact, nothing more. Marriage didn't make them suddenly my children, as I say I'm sure their mother would agree!

This isn't really about the OP, but I don't understand when people say this. If I went around calling my step children MY children I'd be lynched and told to back off by most of Mumsnet I imagine.

They are my husband and his exes children, not mine. I care about them, they are my step children but there is nothing wrong with referring to them as my husband's children in the context of a forum or discussion. They are his children, it's a fact...?

Has**

Plenty of musicians out there able to do both.
Apparently not this one.

I read the OP, and in fact, I just read it again. He had NO prior arrangement for babysitting
The alternative reading of this is that the wife is an utter nut job. But he doesn't include other examples of her being hard work. She is clearly highly annoyed at being left in the lurch, and he is clearly annoyed that she is making him adhere to the arrangement they had about childcare or find an alternative himself. The controlling /crazy wife is an interpretation many women here are happy to go along with regardless, and it is a sad indictment of the times we live in.

The OP clearly asks if two days in advance is too short notice, indicating that there was an arrangement and that he was breaking it unilaterally (because babysitting and keeping his word aren't a priority). It was so important to him to give his wife enough time to scramble for alternative arrangements that he told her when she came in from work late in the evening. He feels he has done her a favour by giving her so much time and he owes her nothing else.

A marriage license only creates a relationship between the man and the woman ; children do not convey in a marriage

Lucky for hundreds of thousands of step children, real life is not so cut and dried, and their step parents do a fantastic job of co-parenting with the biological parents, establishing harmonious homes and solid relationships with the children of their spouses.

The opposite of the black and white world so many of you seem to think is desirable, in other words.

My children and my step children are well cared for in both sets of homes. My step children have a caring father and mother as do !my children. I would never presume to be a parent to my step children. They have perfectly adequate parents. I am their father's wife and I care about them very much and am committed to doing my absolute best by and for them. None of that makes me their parent nor does it make them my children.

All of our combined children are fortunate to have all of us in their lives but nine of them are confused as to the their parentage. Wishing, wanting and pretendIng does not make it so. Biology or legal adoption makes you the parent. Positive actions, caring involvement , and ongoing assistance and support makes you a good and meaningful person in the child's life , but it does not make you a parent.
Some people marry and divorce multiple times . By your standards , each time mom or dad marries or gets remarried a child would get yet another parent. Some children would have unlimited piten

So what was the result?

It was so important to him to give his wife enough time to scramble for alternative arrangements that he told her when she came in from work late in the evening.

Again, how are you squaring this with the two alternative arrangements that he offered?

I'm not sure this is a case of double standards as the situations between step mums and step dads are rarely comparable. A step mum is unlikely to be living with the resident parent therefore when the DCs come to stay it is right and proper that their dad should be fully responsible for parenting his children. Also women are much more likely to fall foul of sexist expectations where we pick up an unfair burden of wifework and child rearing and it's important to take a stand against this, especially when they're not even our own DC!

Conversely step dads tend to live with the resident parent and in a significant number of cases the actual dad is either absent or has minimal contact meaning step dad becomes part of a household which is much closer to replicating a nuclear family set up. I'm not in any way saying a step dad should be equally responsible for his step children and I think the OP's wife is being unreasonable. But I can see why women are encouraged to push back on taking on childcare etc for DSC they see part time (which often spirals into them taking on the lion's share of child related chores), compared with a step dad who is asked to help out occasionally with a child he lives with most of the time.

@MyCatHatesEverybody

I'm not sure this is a case of double standards as the situations between step mums and step dads are rarely comparable. A step mum is unlikely to be living with the resident parent therefore when the DCs come to stay it is right and proper that their dad should be fully responsible for parenting his children. Also women are much more likely to fall foul of sexist expectations where we pick up an unfair burden of wifework and child rearing and it's important to take a stand against this, especially when they're not even our own DC!

Conversely step dads tend to live with the resident parent and in a significant number of cases the actual dad is either absent or has minimal contact meaning step dad becomes part of a household which is much closer to replicating a nuclear family set up. I'm not in any way saying a step dad should be equally responsible for his step children and I think the OP's wife is being unreasonable. But I can see why women are encouraged to push back on taking on childcare etc for DSC they see part time (which often spirals into them taking on the lion's share of child related chores), compared with a step dad who is asked to help out occasionally with a child he lives with most of the time.

Except it reads to me like he wasn't asked. He was told. Quite different.

@excelledyourself I know, which is why I said I thought OP's wife was being unreasonable.

I just get annoyed when people keep comparing step dads with step mums when the two set-ups are rarely comparable.

It doesn’t matter if the situations are non comparable. A step parent is not responsible for their spouses child, end of. Whether those children live with them or whether they are NR children.

If I want help with my children, I ask it. And if my DP cannot do it, then it’s my job to make other arrangements. I have not once asked my DP to change his plans to help me with my children. It is no ones job, other than myself and my children’s father to take care of my children.

My mind continues to be blown at how entitled some posters here are.

@QueenOfPain

YANBU, sounds like she’s being a bit of a dick. Either of your first two suggestions would have been fine if she was genuinely just concerned about childcare. But we know that’s not really the case don’t we because of all the time he spends alone in the week.

Five hours for band practice is a bit much though, unless you’ve not been able to practice in months or have some incredibly importing show/recording coming up or something?

My dp is in a band, they practice once a week (if that), usually around an hour to an hour and a half. They are regularly putting out new stuff and recording, have played large UK rock/metal festivals. 5 hours seems like a lot.

Oo prey do tell which band he's in?

@Threeisnotacrowd :
"Seems odd to me that you are married and refer to him as “her son”"

...why? He is her son, not his.

(I say this as a step-mother who is very careful not to refer to DSS as "my son", because I know how much it would hurt and agitate his mother. I'm not particularly comfortable with 'step-mother' either due to the wicked connotations, but this doesn't bear any reflection on my relationship with DSS, who I love dearly.)

In this circumstance, I think it entirely depends on your relationship and what has been done previously OP, as this kind of sets a precedent - all step relations are different in terms of expectation / routine / status quo.

It's unreasonable for your DW to suddenly demand you to be around for childcare at short notice and cancel plans if this isn't the usual setup - but if you do usually look after DSS while she's working and she usually works Fridays, then I can see why she's annoyed.

I'm regularly around for DSS while DH is working, but as a courtesy DH does always check with me that this is ok, with plenty of notice. (More than 2 days!) He certainly wouldn't be demanding I cancel plans two days in advance over childcare he's forgotten to arrange or confirm - though I'd likely offer or try to arrange some sort of compromise, as the OP has done.

I think that the term " step mother" is offensive not because of the stereotypical connotations, but because it implies a maternal connection that in most cases is non existent.

If the children have an existing mother , they do not need a mother once removed. The term also suggests to kids that the should be expecting some kind of mothering /maternal relationship with the new wife and for many wives and children that is neither the reality nor is it the relationship that they want.

If the new wife were to be viewed by all as simply " dad's wife" and the children simply as " dad's children, " relationship might be less contentious.

One need only be polite and civil to "dad's wife" and wife need only be polite and civil to "his children."

Think how much more confusing when your new "step mother " is not even dad's wife but his significant other. She is not even your mother once removed by virtue of marriage, and yet you are expected to think of her as your step mother.

In society's haste to name relationships and connections , this appears to be one that was not well thought out.

It is not at all realistic to think that marriage creates bonds or instantaneous relationships for any but the 2 parties involved in making the vows and commitments.

Sure , I am marrying you because I love you. I may not however love or even like your children, your mother, father , and or siblings, and they may feel exactly the same way about me. If nothing more than civility and politeness is expected of all, most of these relationships could move along nicely.

I think that it would be much more honest to do away with terms like " "step mother , step father, son/daughter in law, mother / father in law. Referring to some one as "dad's wife, daughter's husband, son's wife", is as Anderson Cooper says " keeping them honest" and not creating unrealistic expectations. These familial feelings may develop over time and they may not. No one however should start off expecting this to be an inevitable or necessary outcome.

@Tiredoftattler I kind of agree but also disagree with you!

Like I say, I don't ever use mother as I'm not DSS's mother, and I have never and will never try to assume that role - kids don't need more than one mum, and his mum does a spectacular job already. I have been with DSS's father since DSS was little, and he did at one point ask if he could call me "mum" too - which I gently turned down - and reminded him he only had one mum.

However, it would be a sorry state of affairs if DSS lives in our home half the week, with me there as a female semi-parental figure, and us not forming any kind of bond or relationship. It's also not realistic or conducive to a healthy / happy unit to just aim to be polite or civil to each other - and also the realities are that I do praise, comfort, chastise, look after, cook & clean for, do homework help, etc etc, in our home, and automatically take on an element of a parental role. I know DSS regularly casually refers to me as his stepmum to his friends, and I'm happy he's comfortable doing so.

Marriage doesn't create an instantaneous bond or relationship, but we were together many years before that where I was "dad's gf", and building a relationship with DSS was part of that journey. I'd hope there aren't many stepparents out there who are married without having tried to build a relationship with their spouses children first and end up with a goal of polite civility - particularly with younger children.

To crab state,
Over time a good and positive relationship could and ideally should develop and evolve. That is what most people probably want. However , a polite and civil relationship should be the starting point. A good nanny is responsible, cooks,cleans, helps and supervises homework, offers comfort and praise and with parental approval initiates agreed upon consequences. This does not make the nanny a parental figure. Doing those things makes the nanny and aut

To crabette continued:
an authority figure to be respected. Over time, many children develop warm and caring figures for their nannies.

@Tiredoftattler I think a lot of people would refer to a nanny who has helped to raise a child for the majority of their formative years as somewhat of a parental figure - that doesn't make them a replacement for mum or dad.

Despite that, I still think it's pretty disrespectful to compare a step-parent step-child relationship with an employed nanny, in most cases. An employed nanny can quit if things get tough; a step-parent is all in committed - and is family.

And yes, politeness should be a very basic starting point, with a warm relationship to be developed - but surely it is typically already somewhat developed by the time marriage happens. I know my DH wouldn't have married me if my attitude to his son was solely to maintain politeness and civility 🤷🏻‍♀️

To Clarissanamechanged:
It seems from my reading on this site, and I may be misunderstanding, but aren't step parents often advised to disengage?
That seems much like the nanny quitting the job.

I am in total agreement with you about what the ideal step relationship should be, but given the number of complaints that I have read on this site alone, there seems to be a real disconnect between the ideal and the reality of what happens. I just think that if the relationship was expected to be always polite and civil with the intention of trying to evolve and develop into something stronger that many more relationships would be tolerable for the steps involved.

I cannot imagine many people having trouble adapting to polite and civil. I suspect many fathers would find polite and civil preferable to multiple and repeated complaints about their children and many step moms would find polite and civil preferable to what they perceive as rude and or disrespectful.