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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Wife insists that I watch 10yr old step son while she is at work

196 replies

Conradicus · 24/09/2020 04:26

Hi everyone, just looking for some opinions on what is a sensible course of action.

simple situation: Today is Wednesday, and I scheduled a rehearsal with my band for this Friday. I don't work Wednesday, and the other members are free that day as well. So, because this is the only time we will be able to meet before one of our members has to leave town for a week, and because everyone is free, i confirmed my availability. When my wife came home after work (step son in bed) I told her that I had a rehearsal first thing when I saw her. She immediately became defensive and said that I had to watch her son. She goes to work at 3:30, and the rehearsal starts at noon and won't go for more than 5 hrs. It immediately became a problem where she brought our marriage into question, stating that he needs to be my #1 priority and that all else follows. She said that if I was unable to work something else out, that I would have to cancel. Bear in mind that weekdays, he is home alone for between 4-5 hours because both of us work (he is in online school due to the pandemic).

Now, the difficulty is that she is unwilling to compromise, and that it is MY responsibility to work something out so that I can go to the rehearsal. I proposed 3 things. 1. That I come home at 3:30 when she goes to work. 2 That we have the rehearsal at our house. 3. I ask my sister to watch him. the first two she outright denied as being a possibility even though neither directly effects her, and the 3rd, she says that it's my job to ask my sister to watch her son. This band is one of my top priorities in life, and when she married me, she knew that I aspire to become a professional musician. I just want some help with how to talk with her about this without sending her the false message that her son is not important to me. He is very important to me and I love him and care about his well being and education. What can I do? is two days in advance too short of notice? Is she being uncompromising or is it just me because I want to be able to fully dedicate myself to this band, which she knows is very very important to me.

Thanks, name redacted by MNHQ

OP posts:
upsidedownwavylegs · 24/09/2020 06:35

Some of these responses are absolutely batshit.

EmmaGrundyForPM · 24/09/2020 06:36

@worldweary45

Why is it on Mumsnet when a step mother posts about a father's expectation that she looks after his child on her day off, there are loads of shouts of 'his child, his responsibility' -but when a step father posts the same thing he's told to step up and take some parental responsibility?

OP -she's pissed off about the 5 hour band rehearsal, this has nothing to do with childcare

^This^

The double standards on MN are incredible sometimes.

OP your wife is being very unreasonable.

Frouby · 24/09/2020 06:37

If he lives in the marital home then the stepson is both adults responsibility.

Also if you are in the UK are you wise to be doing band practice right now? If there are no more than 6 of you then obviously not against the rules but it's not something I would have thought was wise.

At 10 he's a bit young I think to be left alone, especially for a social event. Everyone is doing the best they can with the current situation but work is a necessity but band practice isn't.

dododotheconga · 24/09/2020 06:37

I can't believe that you are regularly leaving a 10 year old to his own devices for hours at a time to complete an online school. I feel sorry for that child on a safeguarding and educational level. If you can't look after him and teach him properly then send him to school!

Suzi888 · 24/09/2020 06:39

@worldweary45

Why is it on Mumsnet when a step mother posts about a father's expectation that she looks after his child on her day off, there are loads of shouts of 'his child, his responsibility' -but when a step father posts the same thing he's told to step up and take some parental responsibility?

OP -she's pissed off about the 5 hour band rehearsal, this has nothing to do with childcare

^^ All of that. Wife of FTW and also gigging musician here. It takes over your life, our life etc. You either accept it or you don’t. In which case she shouldn’t have married you. It’s not a job it’s an obsession Grin. She is being unreasonable, it’s not about your son it’s about the band. Leaving a child alone all that time isn’t fair either!Sad
Minimumstandard · 24/09/2020 06:42

Leaving a child alone all that time isn't fair either

Yes, I agree. Poor boy. He must be lonely, beside safety concerns. Send him to school.

sashh · 24/09/2020 06:43

What's the issue with you leaving rehearsal early to be back at 3.30? I can't see any problem with this at all. It's what I would do if I were in your shoes.

I can see the problem.

She is a mother and married. She should not have to arranging childcare on the days her husband is not working.

SHe is upset because you have put the band before her son, and therefore before her.

You may not have fathered the child but you are an adult who is responsible for him at least part of the time, you can't just make arrangements without taking him into account.

Also what message does this send to your step son? Men are not responsible for children? Men don't care about children?

Is his dad on the scene?

ChalkDinosaur · 24/09/2020 06:45

Definitely sounds like she's annoyed about something else - the band?

Is there a reason why she'd have assumed you could do the childcare that day? Do you usually? If not then she's definitely BU. Even so, the alternatives you offered sound reasonable to me.

As I said, it's definitely not just about that afternoon.

ComicePear · 24/09/2020 06:50

She's being unreasonable. Options 1 and 2 are both perfectly acceptable and she needs to choose one of those.

I also agree with posters saying it's not right to leave a 10yo for 4-5 hours on a regular basis.

WokesFromHome · 24/09/2020 06:52

I second the poster above who said get your DSS a guitar or drum kit and get him involved. Double whammy. You get to be in your band, childcare covered as he sits there and watches, DSS gets to think you are brilliant and you both get to hang out and do something bonding. Failing that, get him to go along and be a roadie.

However, your DW does sound controlling. My DH has hobbies and whilst they encroach on our time a bit, I'm glad he has an outlet for stress.

merrymouse · 24/09/2020 06:54

he is home alone for between 4-5 hours because both of us work (he is in online school due to the pandemic)

This is not acceptable for a 10 year old child. The odd hour here and there is fine depending on the child, but not 4-5 hours every day.

If you are in the UK, some of the things you are saying don't make sense.

  1. schools have now returned so the only reason for him to be at home is if he has health problems. A 10 year old with a serious health condition should not be left alone for 4-5 hours every day.

  2. You say that he is alone for 4-5 hours on week days doing on-line school, but your wife's job starts at 3.30 and you don't work on Wednesdays. When is he being left alone?

upsidedownwavylegs · 24/09/2020 06:55

@sashh

What's the issue with you leaving rehearsal early to be back at 3.30? I can't see any problem with this at all. It's what I would do if I were in your shoes.

I can see the problem.

She is a mother and married. She should not have to arranging childcare on the days her husband is not working.

SHe is upset because you have put the band before her son, and therefore before her.

You may not have fathered the child but you are an adult who is responsible for him at least part of the time, you can't just make arrangements without taking him into account.

Also what message does this send to your step son? Men are not responsible for children? Men don't care about children?

Is his dad on the scene?

What are you on about? If he comes back at half three that is him providing the childcare, and putting her son before his band. What message is the mum sending the kid by leaving him alone all the time - women are not responsible for their own children, women don’t care about their own children?
Livelovebehappy · 24/09/2020 06:58

Clearly she is being totally awkward. Be firm, Choose the home at 3.30 option, and if she doesn’t like that, then tough. What you do prior to looking after her DS is your choice. Don’t be bullied.

Mintychoc1 · 24/09/2020 06:59

@worldweary45

Why is it on Mumsnet when a step mother posts about a father's expectation that she looks after his child on her day off, there are loads of shouts of 'his child, his responsibility' -but when a step father posts the same thing he's told to step up and take some parental responsibility?

OP -she's pissed off about the 5 hour band rehearsal, this has nothing to do with childcare

Yes, I noticed that classic MN double standard too
Slightlybrwnbanana · 24/09/2020 07:03

How long have you been married? What seemed a great idea when you first got together (your musical career) may have worn a bit thin by now and just be seen as an extended hobby.

RantyAnty · 24/09/2020 07:04

Take him with you

upsidedownwavylegs · 24/09/2020 07:05

Even if it is an ‘extended hobby’ so what?! Would we advocate for a man deciding his wife’s hobbies had ‘worn a bit thin’ for him and had to stop in favour of her providing childcare for his kid?

custardbear · 24/09/2020 07:08

The son takes priority here over everything because he's a child, he needs to be cared for

However your solutions seem fine to me, why is your wife being awkward? There's also no reason why he can't go with you, or she drop him off in her way to work to the band rehearsal

Why the hell does she think it's fine to leave her son alone online working for 4-5 hours a DAY!? That's a massive red flag about parental responsibility right there! That's her lookout also, she's the mum, and where's his dad in all this?

Your step son is really the only one with a problem here, terrible parenting

Northernparent68 · 24/09/2020 07:09

She’s being awkward for the sake of it. Stand up to her.

Minimumstandard · 24/09/2020 07:11

You have a right to your hobbies, so long as they're not dominating family life. If your wife continues to be difficult, book a babysitter. Sounds like you help out a fair amount with your stepson.

Beautiful3 · 24/09/2020 07:17

You should have checked with her first. Its not good to leave him alone for long periods alot. 5 hours is a long time for a 10 year old to be alone. You should look after him. To offload him immediately on your day off, means that you're not prioritising him.

converseandjeans · 24/09/2020 07:20

I think leaving him home alone all day is more of a problem than you attending band rehearsal.

I think she probably feels guilty. Your offer of your sister coming sounds fine to me.

If you are home most of Friday and he's doing home school then he won't be alone during the day? So a babysitter of sorts sounds like a good plan.

SpaceRaiders · 24/09/2020 07:21

You can't fully dedicate yourself to a band and also to a wife and stepson while holding down a job too.

Confused What an odd thing to say. Clearly you have little experience of working in the arts. Most aspiring artists, actors, musicians, writers, comedians, hold down jobs to pay the bills, whilst working to become established and they have families too.

merrymouse · 24/09/2020 07:24

OP, again, its very difficult to give you advice on what is or isn't reasonable when this 10 year old is being left alone for 4-5 hours.

Your story doesn't make sense. What is she doing until 3.30?

Cheesypea · 24/09/2020 07:30

No it doesnt make sense. Are you in the uk, the kids went back to school?