Wife insists that I watch 10yr old step son while she is at work

[Conradicus]

Hi everyone, just looking for some opinions on what is a sensible course of action.

simple situation: Today is Wednesday, and I scheduled a rehearsal with my band for this Friday. I don't work Wednesday, and the other members are free that day as well. So, because this is the only time we will be able to meet before one of our members has to leave town for a week, and because everyone is free, i confirmed my availability. When my wife came home after work (step son in bed) I told her that I had a rehearsal first thing when I saw her. She immediately became defensive and said that I had to watch her son. She goes to work at 3:30, and the rehearsal starts at noon and won't go for more than 5 hrs. It immediately became a problem where she brought our marriage into question, stating that he needs to be my #1 priority and that all else follows. She said that if I was unable to work something else out, that I would have to cancel. Bear in mind that weekdays, he is home alone for between 4-5 hours because both of us work (he is in online school due to the pandemic).

Now, the difficulty is that she is unwilling to compromise, and that it is MY responsibility to work something out so that I can go to the rehearsal. I proposed 3 things. 1. That I come home at 3:30 when she goes to work. 2 That we have the rehearsal at our house. 3. I ask my sister to watch him. the first two she outright denied as being a possibility even though neither directly effects her, and the 3rd, she says that it's my job to ask my sister to watch her son. This band is one of my top priorities in life, and when she married me, she knew that I aspire to become a professional musician. I just want some help with how to talk with her about this without sending her the false message that her son is not important to me. He is very important to me and I love him and care about his well being and education. What can I do? is two days in advance too short of notice? Is she being uncompromising or is it just me because I want to be able to fully dedicate myself to this band, which she knows is very very important to me.

Thanks, name redacted by MNHQ

That said, what AnneofTeenGables says is a good point, if it transpires OPs wife actually just objects to the Covid risk of him meeting up with his band, then that is a different matter. But it does not sound that way given the tripe she was spewing about the son being OPs "top priority", as supported by the more batshit comments on this thread.

I don't think it's in the slightest bit unthinkable for someone being asked (or in this case rudely ordered) to babysit to say "no I have plans that day."
@aSofaNearYou
Oh yes indeed, you have completely misread the OP's post, if you think this is what happened.

He presented his wife with a fait accompli, a complete change of plans about the childcare, insisted it was her job to find alternative childcare at short notice, and is now throwing his toys out of his pram because she called him on it.

This is about a man dropping a previous arrangement in favour of a five hour session doing his hobby and expecting her to pick up his slack.

But don't let any reference to what actually happened here upset that high horse of yours.

And carry on with the creative interpretation of my posts while you're at it. Too funny...

• He presented his wife with a fait accompli, a complete change of plans about the childcare, insisted it was her job to find alternative childcare at short notice, and is now throwing his toys out of his pram because she called him on it.

This is about a man dropping a previous arrangement in favour of a five hour session doing his hobby and expecting her to pick up his slack. *

How are you squaring this with him offering to come home when she was going to work and her saying that wasn’t okay either?

I would tell the mother that she has to make alternative arrangements or get the dad to step in, you are not a baby sitter whenever she feels like it, the child has parents.
exactly what i would say if a step mum was posting and everyone else would say the same on here too

@mathamxiety I've been on this thread since it started love, I haven't misread any of it.

Non parents like OP have the luxury of making plans without consulting their partner on whether they might want to use them for childcare on that day or not. Nothing wrong with that. From what OP said, he made his plan based on the fact that she is usually fine with leaving her son at home alone, it wasn't a long standing arrangement that someone MUST be there for him on a Friday. So the first you "must" watch my son was after he made his plan. And actually, regardless of that, given that it isn't his responsibility at all, if he agreed to watch him and then ended up with his own plans, then tough shit, it is his choice to cancel (with a couple of days notice) and her job to find an alternative. Because it was only ever a favour, and it's her bloody kid to sort out childcare for.

You are making yourself look ridiculous. No amount of trying to convince me I've misread the thread will make it true, I fundamentally do not think this is OPs problem to sort. As for creatively interpreting your post? Wtf do you think you did when you went off on one about OPs wife doing all the housework and giving "sexual services" to her husband, who therefore owes her? Jesus wept, some people really lack self awareness.

@upsidedownwavylegs, my suspicion is that he has form for not showing up when he says he will and keeping her late.

I suspect this from the juvenile and very self-centered arguments he makes and from the fact that his OP is an account featuring his sincere belief that keeping his word is optional.

[quote mathanxiety]@upsidedownwavylegs, my suspicion is that he has form for not showing up when he says he will and keeping her late.

I suspect this from the juvenile and very self-centered arguments he makes and from the fact that his OP is an account featuring his sincere belief that keeping his word is optional.[/quote]
What about her also saying he couldn’t take the son with him? I don’t know which juvenile and self centred arguments you mean. It seems unfair to ‘suspect’ that he has form for not showing up with literally no basis on which to suspect it.

@Threeisnotacrowd

Seems odd to me that you are married and refer to him as “her son”

Surely he can come to the rehearsal with you? Either be dropped there or you pop out to get him?

Or you ask your sister to look after YOUR son? I can’t see the issue with this one

I don't get why that is odd... I'm married to my husband and I don't call his sons my sons. They are his children. Not to say I don't care about them but it doesn't make them MY children simply because I married their dad... I'm fairly sure their mum would agree too!

@Mum2Girls19 is right on the money.
The double standards on this post would be funny if they weren't so unfair

@worldweary45

Why is it on Mumsnet when a step mother posts about a father's expectation that she looks after his child on her day off, there are loads of shouts of 'his child, his responsibility' -but when a step father posts the same thing he's told to step up and take some parental responsibility?

OP -she's pissed off about the 5 hour band rehearsal, this has nothing to do with childcare

This

Why is she being unreasonable? Her money is contributing to the household, she can't contribute to the household if she doesn't earn it. You have loads of notice.
If you want her to parent her child like a single parent then she may as well be a single parent and not have a husband.
And you want to be a musician, like every teenager in the country with zero chance of success unless you are mega talented which is unlikely.
If I was her I'd take my son and live on my own.
Of course if none of her money whatsoever is contributing to either you or the household then fair enough .

If you want her to parent her child like a single parent then she may as well be a single parent and not have a husband

Do single parents really view getting into a relationship this way? As though the only reason they would get together with someone is for them to provide childcare? Do people not realise how unattractive a prospect that is? Why would anyone want to be with someone who only wants to be with them so they can watch their kid? Her reason for wanting to be with him should be her romantic feelings for him.

In any case, he still doesn't owe her any childcare unless he isn't providing enough money to cover his share of their bills and expenses, regardless of the fact that she is also working.

Sounds like you have been duped and didn't know what you were signing up for when you decided to date someone who allready has got children.
he his not your son or your responsibility, he is your wife's, but on the other hand you have married her so have accepted that they come as a package and he is now yours as well and his life comes first and yours second, so you will have to cancel your life plans to look after someone else's children, harsh life lesson to learn I'm afraid.

What a load of utter rubbish Jimmy. How some parents assume this level of entitlement is beyond me. I think the harsh lesson that some parents need to learn is parent your own children and stop expecting others to step up and do your job.

No one, except the parent needs to put their child first. What anyone else chooses to do? Is optional.

In our home, I am the single parent to my children. My husband is the single parent of his children. Children only have 2 parents and in our situation both sets of children have 2 very Involved biological parents. Even though I care very much for my husband's children and he cares very much for mine, neither of use are confused as to the parentage.

We all feel responsible for the kids . All of whom spend 50/50 in the respective homes. All involved are step parents to some of the kids , but that term does not make us actual parents to any except the children that we created.

My children should not be my husband's first priority. Nor should his children be my first priority. The well being of these children is a priority to all involved but the ultimate priority belongs to the biological parent of each child.

Even in this pandemic, it is possible for most people to arrange for sitters or minders. Saying that the husband should be charged with that responsibility is pretty short sighted and limiting. Surely, the mom does not assume that the husband is her defacto or at-will baby sitter. If he has mandatory obligations or simply a preferential activity , he should have the right to say and do that which he choses to do. It then becomes the responsibility of the actual parent to make alternative arrangements.
Marriage is a mutually agreed upon relationship. It is not bondage or servitude.
It is particularly confusing to read where some women view a wife as providing sex as opposed to sharing mutual pleasure. When sex becomes a service that you provide, there is a name for that and it is not marriage. Usually in those circumstances, you have a client or john as opposed to a husband.

so you will have to cancel your life plans to look after someone else's children

Erm no.

What about her also saying he couldn’t take the son with him?

There is a pandemic afoot. Who are the band members? Who do they associate with? There are parts of the UK under lockdown right now.

You are right that we are getting a very one sided version of events here.

Even in this pandemic, it is possible for most people to arrange for sitters or minders. Saying that the husband should be charged with that responsibility is pretty short sighted and limiting. Surely, the mom does not assume that the husband is her defacto or at-will baby sitter. If he has mandatory obligations or simply a preferential activity , he should have the right to say and do that which he choses to do. It then becomes the responsibility of the actual parent to make alternative arrangements.

@Tiredoftattler
If you read the OP, you will see that he changed an arrangement he had already made to babysit the child. Instead of discussing the proposed change to the arrangement to see if it would suit, he ploughed ahead, set up the band session, and presented her with a fait accompli when she got back from work late in the evening. Not only that, he insists that it is now her job to find someone else to take care of the child. What he is saying is that he can change his mind about childcare any time and throw a spanner in the plans of his wife.

This is not how committed partners do things. This is not how adults do things.

@mathanxiety

Even in this pandemic, it is possible for most people to arrange for sitters or minders. Saying that the husband should be charged with that responsibility is pretty short sighted and limiting. Surely, the mom does not assume that the husband is her defacto or at-will baby sitter. If he has mandatory obligations or simply a preferential activity , he should have the right to say and do that which he choses to do. It then becomes the responsibility of the actual parent to make alternative arrangements.

@Tiredoftattler
If you read the OP, you will see that he changed an arrangement he had already made to babysit the child. Instead of discussing the proposed change to the arrangement to see if it would suit, he ploughed ahead, set up the band session, and presented her with a fait accompli when she got back from work late in the evening. Not only that, he insists that it is now her job to find someone else to take care of the child. What he is saying is that he can change his mind about childcare any time and throw a spanner in the plans of his wife.

This is not how committed partners do things. This is not how adults do things.

That isn’t what the OP says at all!

It is particularly confusing to read where some women view a wife as providing sex as opposed to sharing mutual pleasure. When sex becomes a service that you provide, there is a name for that and it is not marriage. Usually in those circumstances, you have a client or john as opposed to a husband.

Since the OP doesn't whine about the rest of the relationship I am sure he is happy to partake of all the rest of what marriage offers - all that mutual pleasure, for instance, and meals cooked, laundry done. But apparently when it comes to honouring agreements made about childcare, when something better comes up reliability isn't this OP's strong point. In that circumstance, what you have is an immature individual who wants to have his cake and eat it too.

You can either dedicate yourself fully to a band or to a relationship. He has stated what he really wants, and that is a professional music career. The wife is providing domestic services and her son is just getting between him and what he feels is really important.

You’re literally making stuff up. You don’t sound well, actually.

1. Wtf is this child being left alone for 4-5 hours midweek!?

1. Stop calling him "her son". You are married, he is a joint responsibility.

@mathanxiety why are you still going on about domestic services? OP has not mentioned the breakdown of housework in their home at all, for all you know he does it all. Your attitude is really outdated and misogynistic.

OP did not say he had any formal arrangement to watch him that day, he specifically mentioned she usually leaves him for 4-5 hours on other days of the week so was surprised she felt it was imperative he be there for the two hours on that particular day. It was a safe assumption to make.

He also said this was the only time his band members were free to meet up, so fully expecting him to give up that opportunity based on a non discussed assumption that he is usually at home on a Friday is essentially saying due to his wife's presumption that he will provide childcare for her child whenever he is often home rather than her paying for her own, he is never allowed to have plans on that day, no matter the personal inconvenience to him. That isn't mature, it's mind boggingly entitled.

@Takingontheworld

1. Wtf is this child being left alone for 4-5 hours midweek!?

1. Stop calling him "her son". You are married, he is a joint responsibility.

Marrying a parent does not make you responsible for your wife/husbands child.

The only way someone is responsible for a child is if they are a birth parent, adoptive parent, have PR or an SGO.

You can either dedicate yourself fully to a band or to a relationship.

Plenty of musicians out there able to do both.

If you read the OP, you will see that he changed an arrangement he had already made to babysit the child.

I read the OP, and in fact, I just read it again. He had NO prior arrangement for babysitting.

And yes, step mums are told they don't have responsibility for the step children on here. I've read so many threads where a step mum comes on and complains about being dropped on all the time, and who gets told to tell her DH to step up and sort his kids out.

2 days notice might not have been so great, but OP did make some proposals, and his DW is not willing to compromise