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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Wife insists that I watch 10yr old step son while she is at work

196 replies

Conradicus · 24/09/2020 04:26

Hi everyone, just looking for some opinions on what is a sensible course of action.

simple situation: Today is Wednesday, and I scheduled a rehearsal with my band for this Friday. I don't work Wednesday, and the other members are free that day as well. So, because this is the only time we will be able to meet before one of our members has to leave town for a week, and because everyone is free, i confirmed my availability. When my wife came home after work (step son in bed) I told her that I had a rehearsal first thing when I saw her. She immediately became defensive and said that I had to watch her son. She goes to work at 3:30, and the rehearsal starts at noon and won't go for more than 5 hrs. It immediately became a problem where she brought our marriage into question, stating that he needs to be my #1 priority and that all else follows. She said that if I was unable to work something else out, that I would have to cancel. Bear in mind that weekdays, he is home alone for between 4-5 hours because both of us work (he is in online school due to the pandemic).

Now, the difficulty is that she is unwilling to compromise, and that it is MY responsibility to work something out so that I can go to the rehearsal. I proposed 3 things. 1. That I come home at 3:30 when she goes to work. 2 That we have the rehearsal at our house. 3. I ask my sister to watch him. the first two she outright denied as being a possibility even though neither directly effects her, and the 3rd, she says that it's my job to ask my sister to watch her son. This band is one of my top priorities in life, and when she married me, she knew that I aspire to become a professional musician. I just want some help with how to talk with her about this without sending her the false message that her son is not important to me. He is very important to me and I love him and care about his well being and education. What can I do? is two days in advance too short of notice? Is she being uncompromising or is it just me because I want to be able to fully dedicate myself to this band, which she knows is very very important to me.

Thanks, name redacted by MNHQ

OP posts:
ohffs66 · 24/09/2020 07:32

Where's his dad in all of this? At the end of the day the kid has two parents, you're not one of them and you have a right to hobbies, personal time etc. You've offered a number of options to help out, your wife is just being awkward. She's making the childcare for her son your problem to solve when it's actually hers.

And YY to the double standard that PPs have pointed out; if you were a woman / stepmother people would have been all like 'his kid his problem'.

whywhywhy6 · 24/09/2020 07:34

Her child, her problem. Where is his dad? It would be kind and reasonable of you to look after him if you were off work and didn’t have other plans but you’re not obliged to, in my view.

Chicchicchicchiclana · 24/09/2020 07:39

Completely agree that the real issue here is why a 10 year old is being left alone to home educate himself? What country are you in OP? That situation is absolutely appalling ... a band rehearsal is the least of your worries.

GingerScallop · 24/09/2020 07:42

@SenorFrog

You married a woman with a child, that child becomes a priority for you too. Simple as that really. That said, if he gets left at others times then surely it's ok to leave him again; or the other solutions you mentioned; or take him with you.
But wife won't let him n band rehearse at home so I doubt she will let him her him to rehearsal. They both need to compromise. I say rehearsal at home or sister looks after him
RoSEbuds6 · 24/09/2020 07:43

What is the usual arrangement? It sounds a bit ad hoc to me. Surely this kind of thing is planned out?
Also can you get better care in place for the child for the day he is home alone.
I like the idea of your step-son going to practice with you, might be nice for him to see how men socialise, and he could always work in the corner with his headphones on.
It also sounds like you have different expectations of your role as step father which you should thrash out now.

Bluntness100 · 24/09/2020 07:43

Does the child not have a father? Why is he your responsibility? Your suggestions are fine, just make a decision and tell her. She’s bullying you.

Pelagi · 24/09/2020 07:45

What would normally happen with your stepson on your day off? Is it normally your job to look after him all day/after 3.30? If so then you need to make a plan for covering “your” time. But if not, and you’d normally not be responsible for him, then whatever is the usual plan should happen.

DarkmilkAddict · 24/09/2020 07:46

From his perspective you’re probably no less important than his biological dad, please make him no less important than your biological child.

PegasusReturns · 24/09/2020 07:48

It depends what the usual position is.

Did you previously agree that you’d look after the boy on Friday?

TatianaBis · 24/09/2020 08:08

Of course you cancel band practice! They’re probably crap anyway.
If you’re not a ‘professional musician‘ by now, it’s not going to happen.

You and your wife need to sort out daily childcare for your 10 year old, wtf.

Couchbettato · 24/09/2020 08:12

The kid seems to be the bottom of the priority list every time. Poor boy.

Pobblebonk · 24/09/2020 08:13

Seems odd to me that you are married and refer to him as “her son”

Not at all odd. This child isn't OP's son, he's his stepson.

NailsNeedDoing · 24/09/2020 08:15

When my dc were still young enough to need childcare, I would never have expected their step father to be childcare while I worked. Of course occasionally he did do some childcare while I was out, but I considered it to be as a favour to me and a nice thing because they all enjoyed it, it was never expected because childcare is a responsibility of parents, not stay parents.

It is ridiculous for people to think that you should sacrifice your hobby so that you can be childcare for someone else, even your wife.

Peeza86 · 24/09/2020 08:15

I can’t believe the posts saying the child is not his responsibility, what’s his real dad doing etc. This isn’t some boyfriend new to the scene. When he married her he made a lifelong commitment to her son too. Watching his (presumably live in) step-son on his day off shouldn’t be a hardship. Saying that, she’s being unreasonable by not accepting option no. 1. She’s clearly not happy that you have booked an additional 5 hour band practice.

Pobblebonk · 24/09/2020 08:16

OP, I think you need to clarify. Was the original arrangement that you were going to look after your stepson on Friday, and did you cancel that at two days' notice? If so, your wife is quite reasonable in objecting. The fact that you normally leave him alone when both of you are working is, frankly, iffy, and doesn't justify leaving him alone in order to pursue what is at this point essentially a hobby.

That said, I don't understand why she objects to you coming home at 3.30 if she is going to be there until then.

tenlittlecygnets · 24/09/2020 08:18

If she's happy for him to be home alone for 4-5 hours on a normal day, what's different about you rehearsing?

Has she been awkward about rehearsals before?

pastandpresent · 24/09/2020 08:21

I'm quite surprised that both of you leave him 4~5 hours during the week on his own. Child care arrangement needs to be sorted.

Livelovebehappy · 24/09/2020 08:21

Where’s your dss father in all this? Maybe your dw should organise childcare between herself and his actual DF.

Bluntness100 · 24/09/2020 08:24

@Livelovebehappy

Where’s your dss father in all this? Maybe your dw should organise childcare between herself and his actual DF.
Agree, marrying the woman doesn’t mean he now has to prioritise the son to an extent he has no say. He’s made reasonable suggestions and they should be accepted. The wife is well out of line dictating the way she is. The child is ultimately her responsibility snd the fathers.
Bluntness100 · 24/09/2020 08:24

And if this was a woman posting that her husband was dictating like this about her step child there would be outrage.

ApolloandDaphne · 24/09/2020 08:26

OPs suggestions to his wife show that he is trying to prioritise the child. He has made several sensible suggestions which have been rebuffed. I get the feeling his wife is miffed about something else and transferring it to this (non) issue.

merrymouse · 24/09/2020 08:28

When he married her he made a lifelong commitment to her son too.

Except he didn't.

He would only have a lifelong commitment to the son if he adopted him.

But again, that really isn't the main issue here.

The main issue is that a 10 year old boy is being left alone for 4-5 hours a day.

It's not clear where the OP is, but in the UK schools have gone back.

Even if there is a reason to be at home (home schooling, health needs), the child should not be left alone for 4-5 hours.

SpaceOP · 24/09/2020 08:30

Broadly, I think she's being silly as you offered good options and the child is used to being alone anyway. However, I am wondering if, knowing she was working on Friday, she had assumed that therefore you would take responsibility for DSS? And therefore, your casual announcement that you would be doing a band rehearsal is what annoyed her? That you didn't think about your DSS? ie if you'd said, "I've booked a rehearsal on Friday but I know I'm with DSS so I've asked the band to come over here for the rehearsal" perhaps that would have been more to her liking?

But certainly, your suggestions to manage the problem seem perfectly reasonable to me.

msflibble · 24/09/2020 08:33

YANBU. The problem here seems to be your wife's unwillingness to compromise. Why is she being so defensive and inflexible? Are there other things bothering her which are making her react in such an unreasonable way? You need to sit down with each other and have an in-depth chat about what's causing this behaviour.

badacorn · 24/09/2020 08:35

Have the rehearsal at your house or take him with you. It’s a compromise.

If the real issue is that she thinks your music isn’t important and she’s getting irritated that you don’t drop the session all together, that’s another matter.