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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Dating a man who’s recently left family home , is this worth it?

110 replies

Dolymix27 · 07/09/2020 14:51

We’re both late twenties, he has one DC 2 years old, wants more DC and I have none but want them. He is a fantastic Dad from everything I’ve seen. We have been just dating and are getting serious now, were having talks about me meeting DC.
However, he’s still adjusting to being separated from family home (It’s been 8 months since he left) The split with ex girlfriend was mutual and they have been co-parenting, he sees DC a few times a week. He gets upset occasionally, saying he misses seeing DC everyday. I feel it puts a downer on our relationship because it leave me feeling like he’s not fully happy with me. He reassures me, treats me great but I’m finding this hard to deal with - am I being dramatic? His ex girlfriend is taking DC on holiday for a week, he told me how he’s going to miss DC, he said it’s really hard because he’d normally be there when they were a family, it’s just going to take time to get used to.

He says he feels guilt for DC for leaving. I told him that he can talk to me about anything and it’s normal how he’s feeling. However, I can’t help but feel selfish and feel a little upset / frustrated when he says those things. Will he ever get used to being out of the family unit? He says the next relationship he has, has to be the right one and he wants to have another family again, hopes it would be with me. I also hope we could too as he’s a fantastic Dad, he’s so doting to me and his DC. However, I am also considering is this all worth it now because I don’t know if he’ll ever get over the guilt of leaving?

OP posts:
Original poster
Dolymix27 · 07/09/2020 21:18

Batshit

Appreciate your advice. I have a lot to think about. I feel a bit of a fool tbh! I actually thought he was decent and it could work. I know I’m still only young so I have options.

OP posts:
KatySun · 07/09/2020 21:18

He is not a single dad if he is going to see his child every other weekend, though - he is a non-resident parent.
Single parents do the majority of the childcare day in day out, they are up in the night and go to work the next day. I am a single parent - it is 24/7.

So really, he can leave off with the ‘single dad’ stuff. He is not a single parent. The child’s mother is doing the parenting.

Original poster
Dolymix27 · 07/09/2020 21:21

How can I not be involved if we’re getting serious? I’m the one who’s dug and asked questions about ex, dc etc. Because I needed to know the true facts. That’s why he told me, if I don’t believe him then I should speak with his mum, dad etc.

OP posts:
Original poster
Dolymix27 · 07/09/2020 21:21

Sorry Katy
Did I say he was a single Dad? I didn’t mean to, he’s never said he is a single Dad

OP posts:
positivelynegative · 07/09/2020 21:24

Have you met the child yet?

Batshitbeautycosmeticsltd · 07/09/2020 21:25

@Dolymix27

How can I not be involved if we’re getting serious? I’m the one who’s dug and asked questions about ex, dc etc. Because I needed to know the true facts. That’s why he told me, if I don’t believe him then I should speak with his mum, dad etc.
You really have no business getting serious so early on and neither does he. Dear god, where did you get the idea it all has to be so heavy, intense and dramatic 5 minutes into it? That's messed up. I've got adult nieces (my kids are teenagers) who are you age who would have run a mile from this guy. Six months in and it should be the honeymoon stage, going out spontaneously, having fun weekends away, getting to know each other and learning each other. Instead he's focused on Wifey No. 2 already.
Original poster
Dolymix27 · 07/09/2020 21:29

We were casually dating at first, didn’t label anything. Enjoyed each other company, both felt like we had never felt before , Both never laughed so much, all we did was laugh. We must of both helped each other get over our previous relationships. We both didn’t realize we would actually like each other so much to the point we would want to actually be exclusive and start having deeper convos. I did dig and ask questions because I was curious and slowly, Over time I realize how serious it was , him leaving the family home and having to split up DC family. I probably shouldn’t have told him “You can talk to me”
Set myself up as a counsellor. I did it because I liked how caring he had been towards me, I haven’t gone into detail but you get the idea. I know I have to think now, more of myself.
I know he’s decent but yeah he has some issues

OP posts:
Batshitbeautycosmeticsltd · 07/09/2020 21:31

You're way too over-invested in him and not enough in you. That's the biggest problem of all. You two appear to have latched onto each other and it's very unhealthy given the circumstances.

Wallywobbles · 07/09/2020 21:35

I'm married to mine now. But never under-estimate how hard being a step parent is. And until he's actually divorced / financially separated or whatever go slowly. It to 4 years for DH to get exw to agree to even talk about a settlement.

Original poster
Dolymix27 · 07/09/2020 21:36

I know, we have done those things like dates and we have fun times. Planning holidays etc
I wouldn’t normally date a bloke with kids, but we on so well

I haven’t met DC yet, he says he won’t introduce unless he’s certain and doesn’t want DC meeting lots of women etc

OP posts:
Original poster
Dolymix27 · 07/09/2020 21:37

They didn’t marry etc and gives £300 a month child maintenance and picks up shopping of ex needs it for DC

OP posts:
Original poster
Dolymix27 · 07/09/2020 21:38

Batshit

Thankyou so much for that. I agree, I’m going to take a step back and think more of myself

OP posts:
Batshitbeautycosmeticsltd · 07/09/2020 21:38

Sounds like you're bound and determined to stick with this guy.

DarkmilkAddict · 07/09/2020 21:39

Are you worried you won’t meet anyone else more suitable?

user12642379742146 · 07/09/2020 21:42

Also, he keeps asking me If I’m ready to accept him as a single Dad.

That was you. Quoting him.

KatySun · 07/09/2020 21:47

Your post at 19.25 said he keeps asking me if I am ready to accept him as a single dad. That is where I picked up single dad from.

AnneLovesGilbert · 07/09/2020 21:53

he knew it wasn’t right but thought the baby could save the relationship

Not the brightest spark bless him Hmm

You’ve had some good advice on here. I hope you put yourself first and find someone who’s free to create the future you want with them.

Coffeeandbeans · 07/09/2020 22:00

Minimum of 18 years sharing this man with his kids. Holidays with his child in tow; Christmas sharing; etc etc. And remember if anything was to happen to mum then his child would live with you full time. Once the child is 12 they can choose who to live with. They might choose dad. No more free weekends, privacy, grumpy teens etc etc.

When I was your age I would not have looked at a man with kids. I would have laughed and said no thanks and walked away - however much I fancied them. Why do you want to bring up someone else’s child?

Original poster
Dolymix27 · 07/09/2020 22:17

I’m not worried I won’t meet anyone else, I just never got on with someone so well before, all we do is laugh and he’s so caring.
I know I’m still young so I think I’m going to have to tell him it’s over and start dating again. I know there’s plenty of men out there for me, I really do appreciate all the advice

OP posts:
Original poster
Dolymix27 · 07/09/2020 22:18

Like Batshit said
I haven’t thought about myself.

OP posts:
DarkmilkAddict · 07/09/2020 22:22

It’s commendable that you’re being open minded to the advice.

I’m glad my xh’s gf has been so understanding of his relationship with the dc. My step mum persuaded my df to all but disown us as she wanted him all to herself Sad

DarkmilkAddict · 07/09/2020 22:24

(Ultimately his fault of course)

VodselForDinner · 07/09/2020 22:30

So he basically told you he conceived a child with someone he doesn’t love so knows better for next time?

Run.

This guy will leave a trail of single mothers in his wake.

sassbott · 08/09/2020 14:44

Don’t do it. You’re young, child free. Find someone the same.

The ex is now ‘ok’ could go off the rails when finding out about you. Could make contact very difficult. The lovely child you’ve not met could hate you and do everything to basically ensure they don’t acknowledge you. Your life may not be your own but moments of respite punctuated by his baggage (if the ex kicks off).

Walk. Away. This has red flags galore all over it. Why you’re not seeing them is beyond me (and most other posters). And certainly do not procreate with this man. For at least another 2 years.

He’s talking about a future family with you this soon? He did the same with the last woman. Look at how that turned out.

He’s moving way too fast IMO. Run.

cptartapp · 08/09/2020 15:06

You didn't answer why he didn't go for 50/50. This 'amazing' dad.