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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Dating a man who’s recently left family home , is this worth it?

110 replies

Dolymix27 · 07/09/2020 14:51

We’re both late twenties, he has one DC 2 years old, wants more DC and I have none but want them. He is a fantastic Dad from everything I’ve seen. We have been just dating and are getting serious now, were having talks about me meeting DC.
However, he’s still adjusting to being separated from family home (It’s been 8 months since he left) The split with ex girlfriend was mutual and they have been co-parenting, he sees DC a few times a week. He gets upset occasionally, saying he misses seeing DC everyday. I feel it puts a downer on our relationship because it leave me feeling like he’s not fully happy with me. He reassures me, treats me great but I’m finding this hard to deal with - am I being dramatic? His ex girlfriend is taking DC on holiday for a week, he told me how he’s going to miss DC, he said it’s really hard because he’d normally be there when they were a family, it’s just going to take time to get used to.

He says he feels guilt for DC for leaving. I told him that he can talk to me about anything and it’s normal how he’s feeling. However, I can’t help but feel selfish and feel a little upset / frustrated when he says those things. Will he ever get used to being out of the family unit? He says the next relationship he has, has to be the right one and he wants to have another family again, hopes it would be with me. I also hope we could too as he’s a fantastic Dad, he’s so doting to me and his DC. However, I am also considering is this all worth it now because I don’t know if he’ll ever get over the guilt of leaving?

OP posts:
Original poster
Dolymix27 · 07/09/2020 19:28

Dozer
He does all of that. It’s bloody brilliant, that’s why I’m so broody around him and have so much respect for him. If he was rubbish with his DC I wouldn’t be interested at all.

OP posts:
Original poster
Dolymix27 · 07/09/2020 19:33

Thanks Heda

When he gets upset, it’s for about a few minutes. He’ll say “DC was upset today saying goodbye, I feel bad not being there to make her feel better”

Then I tell him “Don’t worry she knows you love her etc etc”

OP posts:
Original poster
Dolymix27 · 07/09/2020 19:35

@AnneLovesGilbert

Shame they carried on shagging after their relationship died.
Anne He did say that looking back it was wrong. He wouldn’t change DC for the world but wishes he’d had a child with someone he loved. That’s why he said next time he has a family, it has to be right and he’s learnt etc.
OP posts:
excelledyourself · 07/09/2020 19:35

@Dolymix27

Dozer He does all of that. It’s bloody brilliant, that’s why I’m so broody around him and have so much respect for him. If he was rubbish with his DC I wouldn’t be interested at all.
Hardly bloody brilliant or fantastic.

Just being a parent, surely.

Batshitbeautycosmeticsltd · 07/09/2020 19:35

I'll never understand why some peoples' self esteem is so low they'd even give a man like this the time of day when they themselves are young and with no ties. This man has more baggage than T5. 2 months after leaving a family he's with someone else? He's 'DP' and you've only been dating him 6 months?! When did this labelling everyone you date for over 5 minutes 'DP' start?

Of course he tells you what you want to hear, he's got backup on hand when he has his kid, a counsellor, a bedwarmer, what's not to love?

8 months on and he's already talking about his replacement family? Future faking to keep you sweet, playing the Disney dad.

You're worth so much more than this. Why sign yourself up for hardship when you don't need it?

Move on.

Batshitbeautycosmeticsltd · 07/09/2020 19:38

The pair of you have absolutely no business bringing another kid into this mess! FFS, listen to this man, 'Oh, didn't work out the first time, I'll just try again with the next one.'

He's not a brilliant dad, he's doing what any parent should be.

Your standards are below sea level.

Original poster
Dolymix27 · 07/09/2020 19:43

Batshit
It’s not that black and white though. We were casually dating then fell for each other. Isn’t that normal? Him and as his ex girlfriend mutually chose to split and co parent for DC’s best interests. If he stayed and kept the toxic relationship going, that would be terrible. Isn’t he allowed to move on and fall in love again? We’re both late 20’s?

OP posts:
Original poster
Dolymix27 · 07/09/2020 19:45

Excelled
I suppose yeah it’s just being a parent!

OP posts:
Batshitbeautycosmeticsltd · 07/09/2020 19:47

It's as black and white as you make it. You don't 'fall' for someone, you make a conscious decision to keep feeding those feelings even when they're immature and untimely. He needs to put his child first here and be on his own, as does she, and allow the child to get used to the new normal rather than focusing on his bloody love life. He needs to grow up and be a father first rather than acting like a melodramatic teenager, much less even considering starting another family. Good god, he was out of a relationship for two months before finding someone else to keep him cozy at night.

Original poster
Dolymix27 · 07/09/2020 20:00

But wasn’t leaving the family home putting his child first? He said he didn’t want DC Seeing two unhappy parents so they agreed to both move on but still be there for DC. When I spoke to his Mum, she also said it was for the best for DC as DC is only little and will adjust. I definitely think they made the right decision but my concern is he’s not fully healed from it all

OP posts:
Original poster
Dolymix27 · 07/09/2020 20:04

So do you think he’s future faking? Why has he said he wants more kids for DC? I’m so confused now. Shall I speak to him about this? Help!

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Batshitbeautycosmeticsltd · 07/09/2020 20:05

@Dolymix27

But wasn’t leaving the family home putting his child first? He said he didn’t want DC Seeing two unhappy parents so they agreed to both move on but still be there for DC. When I spoke to his Mum, she also said it was for the best for DC as DC is only little and will adjust. I definitely think they made the right decision but my concern is he’s not fully healed from it all
Of course he's not 'healed' from it all. He was in another relationship just 2 months after splitting up and now already focusing on his next family. It doesn't matter what's best for him, and you've got yourself all involved in what should entirely be his issues for him to handle as an adult.

You have latched onto this as some great big romance with the drama of having left a family in the backdrop like it's some episode of Grey's Anatomy.

This guy is still too early on for all this. He's being very immature here. So are you, sadly.

Really hope you wake up and see that before this kid has a new person put on him and a 'new' family, but I have a feeling you won't because this whole idea that it's some great love is appealing to you both.

Batshitbeautycosmeticsltd · 07/09/2020 20:07

@Dolymix27

So do you think he’s future faking? Why has he said he wants more kids for DC? I’m so confused now. Shall I speak to him about this? Help!
Jesus wept! Why invest yourself in all this baggage when you could find someone who's not got all this going on in the background? He wants 'more kids for DC'. WTF?

Just cut this out. He's really immature. So are you but at least you have the ability right now to walk away and learn from it.

Of course they all say you're not a rebound. They might even believe it.

Kimbo180 · 07/09/2020 20:10

Your in for a rollercoaster of a ride with everything. I hope your a strong willed person and relise you will always be in the back ground when the lil one gets older. If i could turn back the clock i wouldnt date a man with kids. but thats not to say that im not happy now. It is tough when u cant celebrate the childs milstones thats really hard but i hope it all works out for you

midlifenewspring · 07/09/2020 20:18

He gets upset occasionally, saying he misses seeing DC everyday. I feel it puts a downer on our relationship because it leave me feeling like he’s not fully happy with me

If you are dating someone with kids you have to accept you will always come after the kids. I knew it was never going to work out with a guy I was seeing as he got his arse on when I told him I couldn't meet him that weekend as I had to spend time with my young son who was distressed.

midlifenewspring · 07/09/2020 20:18

Excellent post from Dozer, btw.

Littlepaws18 · 07/09/2020 20:22

You are still very early into your relationship and it's a very complicated relationship. 2 months after they split, is not long enough to fully appreciate the changes he has just made in his life regardless of how he felt about his ex, splitting his family was a huge deal. He is going to mourn it and it's not easy to witness. Blended families too are not easy at all. Your relationship with his son will guaranteed be challenging, not because of the son but to all around him who love him will be very protective. His parents, her parents, her.

I am in a relationship where myself and my partner have children from previous relationships. I love him dearly, but it has been incredibly hard and if I'm honest I'm not sure I would do it all again. You have no clue of what challenges await you, and you must both be strong in order to overcome them.

Original poster
Dolymix27 · 07/09/2020 20:27

Yeah I see what you guys are saying. I actually thought he was into me, everything he does and says. I suppose I best keep my options open as I’m still young

OP posts:
Original poster
Dolymix27 · 07/09/2020 20:28

I didn’t think I was a rebound because I met his family and we’ve made all these plans, like holidays. I feel a Fool now

OP posts:
Batshitbeautycosmeticsltd · 07/09/2020 20:31

It's too soon. He's trying to recreate this whole schema of how he thinks it should be, convinced this time it will be different, etc. Nope. And yy, this child won't stay 2 forever. God, just read some of the threads on this board and in Relationships involving blended families. He's into the idea of this nuclear family.

And it's all way too soon, too, you've only been dating for 6 months and he's got you all involved like this? Red flag central. WAY too soon to be doing this.

Not at all healthy.

cptartapp · 07/09/2020 20:33

Did he not go for 50/50?

Littlepaws18 · 07/09/2020 20:37

You need to wait until what he says becomes actions. Anyone can spin a dream very few actually live them.

My partner told me he loved me a week into our relationship was planning a wedding a month into it. But it was all the ideal, lust, that sparky feeling that doesn't last forever. Since then a very close relative of his died, he lost his job, his ex and her mother have been on a two woman mission to end us, the children from his relationship are not easy to love because they have bern through so much emotional trauma and have divided loyalties. It's heartbreaking and I do everything I can to give them a good start in life but my relationship with them is constantly redefined by his ex who wants me out of the picture. On top of all this I have had three miscarriages this year and a cancelled wedding. Yes two years down the line we still plan to get married because after every single issue we have worked as a team, overcome everything and realised our love is real through our actions.

All you have is words don't base a potentially challenging life on them. As the suffragettes said deeds not words!

Cynara · 07/09/2020 20:42

I'm going to be very blunt, and I hope you don't think I'm being rude, that's not my intention. I'm in my late 30s now, and having seen friends go through similar situations to you vs those who have held out for a man with no DC, my advice is to leave now and find a different bf. At your age, this is perfectly feasible. The older you get, the less likely it is. You still have the chance to meet a man who isn't carrying all this baggage. You could walk away now and in a few years have your own family without all this palaver.

positivelynegative · 07/09/2020 20:43

Any man walking away so soon after bringing a child into the world should have a Toxic Warning label. Either terrible decision making, or spinning you a line. There is nothing attractive about such a man

Littlepaws18 · 07/09/2020 20:44

And his family too need time to adjust to a new norm. Their son had just walked out on his family. They have a grandson who they will think the world of and are probably incredibly nervous of how these actions have impacted him. Then you come along just after the huge mess unfolds! You see, there is so much to consider and you haven't even met his son yet.... how are you going to be? Are you going to be able to tread that fine line of having a degree of parental responsibility whilst not trying to be his mom. It's one of the hardest tightropes I have ever walked and I'm a mom myself!

This is not going to be done rose scented wonderful family set up. It's damned hard work and are you really ready to take that on?