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Original poster

Dating a man who’s recently left family home , is this worth it?

110 replies

Dolymix27 · 07/09/2020 14:51

We’re both late twenties, he has one DC 2 years old, wants more DC and I have none but want them. He is a fantastic Dad from everything I’ve seen. We have been just dating and are getting serious now, were having talks about me meeting DC.
However, he’s still adjusting to being separated from family home (It’s been 8 months since he left) The split with ex girlfriend was mutual and they have been co-parenting, he sees DC a few times a week. He gets upset occasionally, saying he misses seeing DC everyday. I feel it puts a downer on our relationship because it leave me feeling like he’s not fully happy with me. He reassures me, treats me great but I’m finding this hard to deal with - am I being dramatic? His ex girlfriend is taking DC on holiday for a week, he told me how he’s going to miss DC, he said it’s really hard because he’d normally be there when they were a family, it’s just going to take time to get used to.

He says he feels guilt for DC for leaving. I told him that he can talk to me about anything and it’s normal how he’s feeling. However, I can’t help but feel selfish and feel a little upset / frustrated when he says those things. Will he ever get used to being out of the family unit? He says the next relationship he has, has to be the right one and he wants to have another family again, hopes it would be with me. I also hope we could too as he’s a fantastic Dad, he’s so doting to me and his DC. However, I am also considering is this all worth it now because I don’t know if he’ll ever get over the guilt of leaving?

OP posts:
Bollss · 07/09/2020 20:45

@positivelynegative

Any man walking away so soon after bringing a child into the world should have a Toxic Warning label. Either terrible decision making, or spinning you a line. There is nothing attractive about such a man
I don't think that's fair tbh. And you wouldn't say it about a woman.
Original poster
Dolymix27 · 07/09/2020 20:48

Thanks for sharing

That’s the thing, I’ve been judging him by his actions. He’s been lovely, no love bombing etc. We’ve enjoyed our time together, neither of us have said we love each other. He made it clear at the start he has a DC and understands if I wanted to end it, he kept telling me I must think of myself. It’s only recently things have got more intense because we both agreed we are getting stronger feelings but we both said we must take it slow. I haven’t told him I’m broody, I just told him I personally want kids in future and I don’t have time to be wasting. That’s when he said he wants more but it has to be with someone who he loves

OP posts:
Littlepaws18 · 07/09/2020 20:50

And anyone being male or female, decide they want a child 8 months after splitting up from ex and thinks it's a good idea, is not a great parent. The trauma he has caused on his son needs to be resolved first! He should be fearful of trying a new family because he has first hand witness how it has an effect on his child! He needs to ensure his next relationship is absolutely solid before committing to any future family.

excelledyourself · 07/09/2020 20:50

@positivelynegative

Any man walking away so soon after bringing a child into the world should have a Toxic Warning label. Either terrible decision making, or spinning you a line. There is nothing attractive about such a man
Should he have kicked the GF out instead?

Would you say that if she decided to walk?

It was a mutual decision. Someone had to leave.

Original poster
Dolymix27 · 07/09/2020 20:50

Littlepaws

Totally see what you mean. I have met his Mum, she opened up about how toxic his past relationship was and she also advised him to leave the family home for DC. Apparently she said he’s happier now and speaks highly of me. She also said to take it slow but just wants to see her son happy etc

OP posts:
Bollss · 07/09/2020 20:51

The trauma he has caused on his son

Sorry the trauma HE has caused? Christ.

Namealreadyinuse1 · 07/09/2020 20:52

Seriously? I would walk away. I love my DH and we are very happy but boy has it been tough. You will never be first and there is always the ex in the background. I’ve had a miscarriage and now will never be a mother. You are young, don’t start a relationship that’s already complicated.

Original poster
Dolymix27 · 07/09/2020 20:53

Positively

He apparently stayed in the family home for a year in a separate bedroom just to keep the family together. But it didn’t work so they both decided for him to leave but see DC whenever he wanted. He says he carries guilt for taking a family away from DC but he wants his DC to see him happy and his mum happy

OP posts:
positivelynegative · 07/09/2020 20:56

I’m sceptical about why there is even a child. Why were they arguing? Who said it was mutual?

Not good enough for me.

Littlepaws18 · 07/09/2020 20:57

That's great I'm glad you get along. But... if you told her that you were broody I bet she'd have a heart attack! You don't know them well enough yet and they don't know you. It's all first impressions.

I know I sound negative but you need to be prepared, it's not as rosy as you have mentioned. It can work out, but there is a lot of compromises heading your way in order for that to happen, emotionally, financially, socially.

AnneLovesGilbert · 07/09/2020 20:58

You talk a lot about what a fantastic father he is but unless I’ve missed something, you haven’t seen them together so how would you know? It’s very easy to tell someone you’re newly dating that you love your child and they’re adorable or whatever.

Remona · 07/09/2020 20:59

Just an observation. You are clearly very broody. It’s there in everything you say about him. You’re going all mushy over everything he says and does concerning his child when all he is doing is what any decent parent would do.

This has the potential to become very messy. Please don’t even consider bringing another child into this situation. You’re still very young and you’ve years ahead of you for that. Let him sort his life out. It’s still very early days for you all but I can hear your hormones talking in every word you’ve written! Take it slow. There really is no rush.

Original poster
Dolymix27 · 07/09/2020 21:01

Apparently child was an accident and they didn’t believe in abortion, he knew it wasn’t right but thought the baby could save the relationship. Apparently they’ve been unhappy for years and had a sit down, agreed it was best for DC to break
up and move on. Do you reckon he should have stayed? I do feel bad for DC and I’ve said to him is he sure it won’t work with ex girlfriend? Is there really nothing to salvage? And he keeps saying definitely not, they both don’t want each other back

OP posts:
katy1213 · 07/09/2020 21:02

@annelovesgilbert Exactly! And not such a fantastic dad if he walks out on a child not yet two.

Bollss · 07/09/2020 21:03

[quote katy1213]@annelovesgilbert Exactly! And not such a fantastic dad if he walks out on a child not yet two.[/quote]
I'm sorry but you can't say that. It's totally unfair. He'd be a shit parent if he stayed in an unhappy relationship and his child lived in a horrible atmosphere.

Can we stop judging people's parenting on whether they stay with the other parent because it HAS NO BARING ON ANYTHING.

positivelynegative · 07/09/2020 21:06

What % does he have his child?

Original poster
Dolymix27 · 07/09/2020 21:06

Anne

I think the reason I keep saying he’s a good father is when I see him speak on phone to ex and DC and the way he speaks of DC. Also what his mum says about him, she even kept telling me I had nothing to worry about as he’s a good man and Dad (I know she’s going to say that, it’s her son) I’m taking what his Mum says with a pinch of salt as I’m judging by his actions

OP posts:
Original poster
Dolymix27 · 07/09/2020 21:09

Positively

He currently see’s DC around four times a week. Due to covid, he’s going back to work and they have agreed he will have DC every other weekend for a routine

OP posts:
CultOfWax · 07/09/2020 21:09

Firstly, he's proved that he's someone who will stay in a supposedly unhappy toxic relationship and continue having unprotected sex with his partner, knowing that he doesn't believe in abortion. So that tells you all you need to know about his flippant attitude to creating babies.

Secondly, how do you know he's this amazing father? You've never seen him with his DC. I get incredibly broody around him as he’s such a loving Dad and a caring person - how do you know this - because every now and the he says "boo hoo I really miss my DC"?

positivelynegative · 07/09/2020 21:12

So his ex gets to bear the brunt of childcare and he’s off making plans for a new family?

I may just have seen the bad ones, but I’m always a bit skeptical. It always seems to be the men that skip off and start new lives.

Original poster
Dolymix27 · 07/09/2020 21:12

Cult

Don’t think that’s fair, it’s hard leaving a toxic relationship. Most of us have been there. The fact he’s stepped up and been there for DC shows me he’s decent. Like any man should, I know it’s
Normal.
It’s the fact he always seems to want to be there for DC whenever he can, said he never wants DC to feel unloved because he left

OP posts:
Batshitbeautycosmeticsltd · 07/09/2020 21:14

You know what's really unhealthy about all this, leaving aside the glaring big holes of you've only been dating a short time, he just got out of a relationship that was supposedly toxic for years but managed to father a child out of it, your feeling broody around this guy you don't know what well, is how much you focus on him, him, him. Should I speak with him? He said this, he said that, he's a fantastic dad (if I had a quid for every time I heard this on here and they turn out not to be, I'd be rich), he's going to see his son X times a week, his mum says this, blah blah blah.

Listening to all this from the outside, it's so dramatic it's unreal so early on. And really immature and unhealthy. This guy has a lot of growing up to do before he's ready for another long-term stable relationship much less this pie-in-the-sky new family.

Cut your losses.

Original poster
Dolymix27 · 07/09/2020 21:14

Positively

No she asked him if he could have DC every other weekend so she could start to move on etc. If I’m being honest, judging by what he’s like, he’s going to want to see DC more as he misses DC so much.

OP posts:
Batshitbeautycosmeticsltd · 07/09/2020 21:16

So what, Doly, that's the bare minimum you should expect from a parent, it doesn't make a person a brilliant, fantastic father whom you should procreate with again. You don't know this guy! He just got out of a relationship and the first thing he did was jump into a relationship and start planning holidays, babies, etc. That's not a good thing.

Batshitbeautycosmeticsltd · 07/09/2020 21:18

Jesus Christ, you should have no part of all this right now. He's involving you in all this and it's way not on.