Dating a man who’s recently left family home , is this worth it?

[Dolymix27]

We’re both late twenties, he has one DC 2 years old, wants more DC and I have none but want them. He is a fantastic Dad from everything I’ve seen. We have been just dating and are getting serious now, were having talks about me meeting DC.
However, he’s still adjusting to being separated from family home (It’s been 8 months since he left) The split with ex girlfriend was mutual and they have been co-parenting, he sees DC a few times a week. He gets upset occasionally, saying he misses seeing DC everyday. I feel it puts a downer on our relationship because it leave me feeling like he’s not fully happy with me. He reassures me, treats me great but I’m finding this hard to deal with - am I being dramatic? His ex girlfriend is taking DC on holiday for a week, he told me how he’s going to miss DC, he said it’s really hard because he’d normally be there when they were a family, it’s just going to take time to get used to.

He says he feels guilt for DC for leaving. I told him that he can talk to me about anything and it’s normal how he’s feeling. However, I can’t help but feel selfish and feel a little upset / frustrated when he says those things. Will he ever get used to being out of the family unit? He says the next relationship he has, has to be the right one and he wants to have another family again, hopes it would be with me. I also hope we could too as he’s a fantastic Dad, he’s so doting to me and his DC. However, I am also considering is this all worth it now because I don’t know if he’ll ever get over the guilt of leaving?

I didn't read all the responses, but in my experience, it's not a good idea to date someone who recently separated. At the beginning, they are all romantic to get you, but once things get settled, you start realising that he's not ready. I was once on a date with a recently separated guy and decided not to continue. He was talking to me how things were not working between him and his ex. Guess what? Months later, I learned through a mutual friend that they got back together.
He could be a nice guy, treat you well, but still not be ready. And the fact that you're feeling unsatisfied at the beginning of the relationship just shows that it's better to move on. Great dad doesn't always mean great partner.

@cptartapp

You didn't answer why he didn't go for 50/50. This 'amazing' dad.

To be amazing, one doesn't have to have 50/50. For example, my DP doesn't believe that it's good for the kids, that they should have a primary residence instead of running from place to place. It makes his life complicated because he has to visit them in their house, but he's convinced it's better and that's what I see from his daugther too. She's happy to come only EOW (because of friends, because with mom she has more affinity, less discipline, etc.)

A few times a week??

A fantastic dad who is co-parenting? A few times a week???

Wow.

Anuta It would make his life more complicated if roles were reversed and he had to juggle it round only having a break from his DD EOW.

I got with my OH a couple of months after her split with his ex. They have a DD together (now 10) but she was only 18 months or so when they split. He too missed seeing her everyday and felt huge amounts of guilt for leaving. This was exacerbated by the fact that I fell unexpectedly pregnant pretty quickly into our relwtionship. He made it clear that he didn’t really want to attend appointments and scans as it made him feel so guilty regarding his existing DD. I tried to understand but struggled and felt very resentful at times. His ex was/is very manipulative and didnt help matters by starting rumours and ringing OH crying down the phone, making him feel even more guilty. He was incredibly cold towards myself and DD after she was born, it took him over a year to make any sort of bond with her which in turn made me struggle to bond with her too. He would shower DSD in love and affection which I’m ashamed to say did nothing for my relationship with her at the time, despite it not being her fault at all. Fast forward 7 or so years and DSD’s mum is still a fucking nightmare, DSD is messed up and it’s sad to see. SS are involved, I’m trying to persuade OH to go for full residency of DSD but he refuses and it’s soul destroying! Your circumstances will be different to mine in some ways but similar in others. My advice would be to proceed with caution. I’m pleased that I didn’t run for the hills now but have sustained a lot of damage that could’ve been avoided perhaps.

@user1488481370 I think it's your OH who should be ashamed of himself, not you.

Neither of you are ready for this relationship

Him because he’s still got a lot of shit to work through

And you because you have a whole world of choices in front of you and becoming a step parent isn’t first choice for anyone really. You’re too insecure in yourself too as you’re giving off a feeling of competition between his “old” life and life with you.

He needs to be on his own and work through his issues alone. You’re not a therapist and you can’t fix him. He can’t fix himself if he throws himself into a relationship to divert his attention from being alone.

You can’t skip this stuff

[quote aSofaNearYou]@user1488481370 I think it's your OH who should be ashamed of himself, not you. [/quote]
I agree, this is awful user why on earth are you still putting yourself and your child through this?

user1488481370

You made a series of poor choices/errors, which caused you to be resentful and I'm sure also caused you a lot of stress.

1. Getting involved with a recently separated man with such a young child, 2. Getting unexpectedly pregnant early in the relationship
2. Giving him the time of day when he didn't want any part of attending appointments with you.

He didn't bond with your DC.... that affected you and this is why bringing a child into a relationship that really isn't established is a very bad idea.

FF all these years and you still have to deal with the madness....your story serves as an example to others about getting involved with a man with young kids...most especially when you're young and have options.

If time is against you, then I could see why one would consider it....as your chances of finding a man of a certain age without kids and who doesn't want them is slim.

Sometimes it can work out okay...but with recent separations ..feelings and emotions can be high for all involved.

I’d also be dubious of the ‘relationship was dead for years’. It is more like he couldn’t adjust but didn’t want to look like an asshole for leaving a pregnant gf or with a baby.

His attitude also sends alarm bells for me. That he misses his DD a lot, a lot of ‘poor me it’s so hard being without my child’. Honestly? I think it sounds like he could have made a go of it with his GF and been with his DD, but chose not to. He chose not to because he is not a committed or responsible man.

Whatever you do, do not confuse missing his child for evidence of being a great father.