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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Advice needed - Step Parenting - feels like make or break. :(

616 replies

Mummafee · 20/08/2020 01:31

I have been with husband 10 years and married 8. I have 2 children from previous (now 16f and 14m) and he has 1 (15f). We now have one together (6m) and I’m due a baby in 6 weeks...
My SD has always been really difficult towards me but I always tried harder and treated her with more love because I understood why she behaved the way she did. However over the years it got worse and she started to tell lies about me and also my children but still we continued to welcome her as again whilst it hurt I understood. However 3 years ago after an upset over something silly she went home to her mum and said I emotionally abused her. Complete nonsense and my husband was in the room at the time so backed me up that I never said what she said. However her mum loves the drama, hates me and said she was never coming to our house again..
So for the last 3 years my husband has met up with his daughter and taken her shopping, out for meals, cinema trips e.t.c on his own. She has had no contact with my kids or her half brother. During this time she has treated my husband horrendously and he has been in bits over it.

Anyway I said to my husband right at the start that now enough was enough and to put this right she needed to tell the truth about what happened. It’s not fair that her mother and his parents (who don’t speak to us anymore mainly because of all this) have believed these lies. However as she hasn’t wanted to come back this hasn’t been addressed.

Now though she wants to come back to our house (she’s not getting on with mum, she says dubious things to my husband about how she is treated by her step dad and mum (I imagine are lies) and she’s acting out and depressed.

However right I’m suffering from prenatal depression (not wanting to admit this here but it’s important to note), I’m 6 weeks of having a baby, I can hardly walk due to pregnancy, my youngest son doesn’t know who she is anymore, my two oldest don’t want her here (as she’s been so unkind in the past and has caused so much upset)...

But she wants to come back and her mum now says she can’t cope with her anymore so she has to come to us... like right now!

It’s been 3 years and the timing is crap. I’m really upset as I desperately do want things to be ok and to be a happy merged family but she’s caused nothing but upset and drama and I don’t want me or my kids around it right now. It seems whenever something important is happening she kicks off somehow...
but my husband is heart broken... how can I resolve this so that I consider the impact on everyone... I find it mind boggling that her and her mum think after all this she can just waltz back in to our home with the red carpet treatment and with excited faces waiting for her?? But then that’s her life.. she’s been a bit of a spoilt princess and doesn’t know consequences.
she also still hasn’t admitted she lied about what happened to her mum or her grandparents and she won’t now (and apparently I’m pathetic for even asking) so I feel the last 3 years of what we’ve been through and teaching her about boundaries and consequences is pointless.
All my children are well balanced lovely kids and I’m concerned the impact of having her around will cause them.
I’m also just holding myself together and I’m feeling very anxious about it all. I just want to focus on having and adjusting to having my baby and my kids adapting to this big change...
but instead she has once again made it about her. It’s hard not to feel angry. My husband I can tell is resentful towards me right now for not just bowing down like I have always in the past... or somehow magically making it all better (again like I normally do) but right now I just don’t feel I can.
It makes me wonder if it’s best to end my marriage to be honest... I thought this would get easier as she got older... part of me just thinks if I leave my husband I don’t have to put up with this ridiculous situation and the anxiety around it and nor do my children, My SD gets what she wants (her dad to herself) and my husband can have his daughter back in his life full time of he likes. But I love him and I know he loves me and doesn’t want to break up our family. I just can’t cope with it anymore. It’s been 10 years and I’m broken.
If your still with me here thank you. I really need support and advice. X

OP posts:
FortunesFave · 20/08/2020 02:03

You're making the child responsible for her Mother's actions. If I were your husband I'd leave you. How can you try to refuse his child??

Rtmhwales · 20/08/2020 02:17

How is she making the child responsible for the mother? The child told lies about the OP. I wouldn't have her back until she admitted the truth honestly.

chickenyhead · 20/08/2020 02:17

Oh OP Flowers

It is so hard.

But as an outsider here, let's be honest, if the accepted dialogue is that you are abusive, why would any of the believers allow her to live with you again?

I believe that she needs to come for visits first and build up a relationship with your son and the others. At 6 he will be very confused by her just moving in.

I also believe that she needs to tell the truth to all.

If she comes back without doing so, you will be ousted.

AmICrazyorWhat2 · 20/08/2020 02:19

Could her Dad spend more time with her instead of her moving in immediately? If he only sees her EOW, for example, could he increase the contact? That would make her feel supported and give her Mum a break. Having her move in when you’re about to give birth seems too much to ask unless the situation is dire at her Mum’s. Flowers

chickenyhead · 20/08/2020 02:21

DH needs to tell the mother and her, that if you are abusive, as claimed, then of course she cannot move in.

He needs to tell his parents to bloody grow up.

FortunesFave · 20/08/2020 03:10

Rtmhwales the child was 12! It's very young...kids lie. Especially when they're in the middle of difficulties.

RLGGG · 20/08/2020 03:14

OP, I'm so sorry you're going through this. I feel for you, your DH and your DCs. This is such a vulnerable time for you and your household. You need to be surrounded by love and support, this isn't the time to be emotionally battling with your SD and it's selfish of your husband's ex to put this on you when she has had no contact with your household by choice. Could the sense of urgency just be her mother being over-dramatic? Have you told your DH your thoughts about ending your marriage? This may prompt him to put his foot down with your ex and his daughter.

Original poster
Mummafee · 20/08/2020 06:31

So I guess your advice is that I should just let her back in and keep my mouth shut and until she’s 18 maybe blame her mother for anything she does? Ignore what me and my children have endured and how we all feel.
You know what.. If you were my husband I’d have asked you to leave me too. My children are just as important but thank you for your input.

OP posts:
Original poster
Mummafee · 20/08/2020 06:33

@Mummafee

So I guess your advice is that I should just let her back in and keep my mouth shut and until she’s 18 maybe blame her mother for anything she does? Ignore what me and my children have endured and how we all feel. You know what.. If you were my husband I’d have asked you to leave me too. My children are just as important but thank you for your input.
I am trying to reply to each message... never used a forum before. This is for FortuneFaves
OP posts:
Fredfrench62 · 20/08/2020 06:42

I think too should give it another go.

Her actions have been terrible. Awful. But shes still a child. How would you feel if it was your daughter who has behaved like it and now her birth dad didn't want her. And your now husband wouldn't have her back either?

You have every right to be fuming though.

Perhaps you could hold a family meeting. But with no expectation that she'll apologise - because she won't. Explaining how you all feel about what happened. That you are all ready to move forward. That you cant wait to have her back. Here are the house rules and boindries. Try and kill her anger with love. Get her doing loads of helping put getting ready for the baby. So feels part of a family unit. Because she clearly isn't in one at her mum.

Original poster
Mummafee · 20/08/2020 06:42

Rtmhwales
Thank you for challenging previous post. I really do want things to be okay. It would be better for all of us... but I feel if I don’t make a stand we are going to go through the same again. Sadly my husband has said she won’t be admitting anything to anyone but he’s desperate for her to be in our lives again so just thinks I need to let it go.

OP posts:
AlternativePerspective · 20/08/2020 06:45

the child was 12! It's very young...kids lie. Especially when they're in the middle of difficulties. and now she’s fifteen and in the position of needing to tell the truth. Especially given she’s now starting to make allegations against her mother and stepfather which, because of her previous conduct, is impossible to know whether they’re true or not.

And accusing someone of being an emotional abuser, having their husband’s family completely cut that person off as a result is a pretty serious lie and one which she needs to take responsibility for. You can’t just expect to tell lies like that and then go through life with people making excuses and never holding you to account. She is almost an adult now, at what point should she have to take responsibility for accusing the OP of being an abuser?

OP, I am usually first to come down on the side of the child, but in this instance I think your DH needs to make it very clear why things are so difficult with regards to her moving back in. He needs to make it very clear to his parents that it’s now blatantly obvious that she was lying and they need to snap out of it, and tell his ex that given she believed this girl’s stories three years ago he has no choice but to believe the stories she’s telling now, so what does she propose they, as parents, jointly do about it.

But I wouldn’t have her back, not until this is resolved. And if that meant ending my marriage, then so be it.

Yes the adults are hugely at fault here, but this girl is old enough to be responsible for her own actions as well. It needs to be made clear to her that given she lied three years ago it’s very difficult to believe what she’s saying now, so she needs to start being honest. About everything, because not doing so is making things more difficult for her.

Apple1971 · 20/08/2020 06:45

To go from no contact at all with your SD to her moving in would be very hard.

I’d say to your husband that the starting point is a discussion with you, her and him and then an agreement that she comes to stay once or twice a week initially to fit back into the family and learn boundaries and expectations. Agree on a period of time after which you can discuss if her living there full time will work.

It’s unfair of everyone to expect you to cope with this big change when you are due to give birth. It’s also unfair for her mum to decide she can’t cope with her - unfortunately that’s her responsibility not yours. She needs to resolve the issues she is having rather than just pass them over to you and your family.

Stay firm and do t be railroaded into this. It’s unfair on you and your husband has to see that. You’re not saying no, just no for now until you know you can all make it work. That’s also the fairest thing for the SD as she needs to learn boundaries and behaviours it seems.

Noneformethanks · 20/08/2020 06:45

That sounds so tough. I’m not surprised you’re struggling especially with a baby of 6months and due in 6 weeks. That’s two babes 7.5 months apart which would stretch any marriage.

blackcat86 · 20/08/2020 06:53

2 babies 7.5months apart would be stretching biology let alone a marriage unless baby 2 was born prem. Anyway, being an SM is a very hard position. You absolutely cannot allow her back in to your joint home with allegations of abuse hanging over you. Even if she makes a sudden u-turn without professional input she can just say she was bullied into a retraction. I would suggest family therapy and individual counselling for the girl. See where that goes. Your partner may need to offer more support to his ex if she is struggling with her but that doesn't mean she can just move straight in with you. Could her moving to GPs temporarily be an option? People will say is horribly evil to suggest she can't live with you but what happens if she keeps making allegations and then SS get involved with your youngest and unborn child?

Daisydoesnt · 20/08/2020 07:00

Surely “6m” is the OPs son of 6yrs of age? Even I worked that one out!!

Original poster
Mummafee · 20/08/2020 07:07

Chickenyhead

That’s a good point. Why would you send your child to be with someone who you believed was emotionally abusive?

I honestly think SD has turned behaviour on mum (e.g telling lies and attention seeking and apparently she is now self harming too) that mum can’t cope with it and just wants someone else to have the responsibility (and blame).

Thank you for considering my youngest too. I feel like he’s been forgotten about by them and that the impact on him doesn’t really register.

Unfortunately I don’t believe she will admit anything now. She very much gets what she wants and if she doesn’t will up the anti so to speak until she does. I feel bullied to be honest. Feel it’s a choice of I have to back down on what I said and hopefully keep my marriage or I have to leave.

We don’t have anything to do with his parents anymore. They sided with SD and once said it was disgusting that I took my kids to the cinema without her as SD was very upset about it... But it was half term and SD was on holiday for the week with her mum in Cornwall at the time! It was like we were not allowed to have any life without her...
Anyway it’s sad that my youngest has nothing to do with his grandparents. It will be hard to explain to him as he gets older that his sister is worshipped by them but he has been dismissed. My husband reminds me that he’s better off without them though.

OP posts:
Noneformethanks · 20/08/2020 07:09

Ah apologies. I have brain fog in the Morning due to medication.

Original poster
Mummafee · 20/08/2020 07:17

@AmICrazyorWhat2

Could her Dad spend more time with her instead of her moving in immediately? If he only sees her EOW, for example, could he increase the contact? That would make her feel supported and give her Mum a break. Having her move in when you’re about to give birth seems too much to ask unless the situation is dire at her Mum’s. Flowers
AmICrazyorWhat2 Since all this he has a lot more contact. I encouraged him to spend more time with her in hope that it would build a more stable secure relationship between them which would in turn help her and us move forward.. apparently it’s not enough though.
OP posts:
DaenarysStormborn · 20/08/2020 07:25

Does the mum know SD is starting to make allegations against her? Potentially what this needs is a family meeting with your DH and her mum to go through the plan of action for increasing visits and moving in - and he needs to make it clear that 'we love you but we struggle to trust you given you accused...' and see what she says.

That approach requires mum to be on side though.

Just on the basis of the self harm - if she moves in she will need lots of attention. Who is planning to give it to her with a newborn and a 6 year old?

Original poster
Mummafee · 20/08/2020 07:27

@RLGGG

OP, I'm so sorry you're going through this. I feel for you, your DH and your DCs. This is such a vulnerable time for you and your household. You need to be surrounded by love and support, this isn't the time to be emotionally battling with your SD and it's selfish of your husband's ex to put this on you when she has had no contact with your household by choice. Could the sense of urgency just be her mother being over-dramatic? Have you told your DH your thoughts about ending your marriage? This may prompt him to put his foot down with your ex and his daughter.
Thank you so much for this. It’s nice to actually have my and my children’s Feelings acknowledged. The ex isn’t fair, she never has been. She’s very entitled and selfish. And yes she seems to attract drama. I have told him yes.. he feels stuck in the middle. He’s always struggled to put his foot down with his daughter in fear of her cutting him out (which she has done several times when she doesn’t get what she wants) and now he doesn’t feel he can demand anything because she says she is depressed and will sends him passive aggressive or suggestive comments or ignores his messages so he thinks she might be unsafe... so whatever the initial issue was doesn’t get resolved.
OP posts:
dontdisturbmenow · 20/08/2020 07:41

She can't pick and choose who she wants to live with to suit. In all likelihood, this girl has some issues and struggles with everyone. Running away to find it's no better elsewhere is not the solution.

Her dad should continue to see her outside and only agree to a very gradual reintroduction to the family that suits everyone.

Maybe a meal first with it your youngest. Then one with you and youngest, then maybe your children. Just to see how it goes.

Original poster
Mummafee · 20/08/2020 07:42

@Fredfrench62

I think too should give it another go.

Her actions have been terrible. Awful. But shes still a child. How would you feel if it was your daughter who has behaved like it and now her birth dad didn't want her. And your now husband wouldn't have her back either?

You have every right to be fuming though.

Perhaps you could hold a family meeting. But with no expectation that she'll apologise - because she won't. Explaining how you all feel about what happened. That you are all ready to move forward. That you cant wait to have her back. Here are the house rules and boindries. Try and kill her anger with love. Get her doing loads of helping put getting ready for the baby. So feels part of a family unit. Because she clearly isn't in one at her mum.

Thank you for your suggestion. That’s really useful. Yes my husband is in a gut wrenching heart breaking position. I hate the impact it has and continues to have on him. I do have a daughter (16) but she would never have got away with this behaviour and I would never let my older two treat their step mum or my husband the way that SD has been allowed to. I would have dealt with it like a parent at the time of the incident. I think that’s one reason I’m so angry... I’m angry at my husband and his ex for allowing this to get to this point. My children understand boundaries, have empathy and understand consequences which is why they are well balanced and exceptionally well behaved kids. I think that’s another reason I’m anxious about it. I’m not allowed to parent this child so how will that impact mine?
OP posts:
Original poster
Mummafee · 20/08/2020 08:03

@AlternativePerspective

the child was 12! It's very young...kids lie. Especially when they're in the middle of difficulties. and now she’s fifteen and in the position of needing to tell the truth. Especially given she’s now starting to make allegations against her mother and stepfather which, because of her previous conduct, is impossible to know whether they’re true or not.

And accusing someone of being an emotional abuser, having their husband’s family completely cut that person off as a result is a pretty serious lie and one which she needs to take responsibility for. You can’t just expect to tell lies like that and then go through life with people making excuses and never holding you to account. She is almost an adult now, at what point should she have to take responsibility for accusing the OP of being an abuser?

OP, I am usually first to come down on the side of the child, but in this instance I think your DH needs to make it very clear why things are so difficult with regards to her moving back in. He needs to make it very clear to his parents that it’s now blatantly obvious that she was lying and they need to snap out of it, and tell his ex that given she believed this girl’s stories three years ago he has no choice but to believe the stories she’s telling now, so what does she propose they, as parents, jointly do about it.

But I wouldn’t have her back, not until this is resolved. And if that meant ending my marriage, then so be it.

Yes the adults are hugely at fault here, but this girl is old enough to be responsible for her own actions as well. It needs to be made clear to her that given she lied three years ago it’s very difficult to believe what she’s saying now, so she needs to start being honest. About everything, because not doing so is making things more difficult for her.

Thank you for your input. I really appreciate the time this must have taken to respond.

I agree that at 15 she needs to start taking responsibility. My husband agrees.. getting her too though isn’t happening. She very much has a victim mentality and when challenged she n blames someone else or apparently just stares at the floor or cries until she’s comforted.
About a year ago SD sent loads of awful messages to her dad on messenger. When he next saw her she denied it and said It was her mum who sent them. This has continued and eventually (About a month ago) I said to him he needed to speak to her mum about it and ask her to not interfere like this as it’s not helping. Mum went a bit crazy and denied all knowledge... since though husband still gets messages and SD still says they are still mum... I don’t know who to believe.. things just never seem to get properly resolved or dealt with. It’s all so unnecessary.
I’m worried I will stay on the receiving end of further lies. I am a professional and if these kind of allegations were taken further it would have severe implications for my career too.
She recently said her step dad forced her to sit and stay in the sun till she blistered as he had paid for their holiday and she would appreciate it and sit in the sun. Obv I think this is nonsense (I don’t like the guy but he’s not like that)
Unfortunately mum seems to believe any lie said about me and my husband but when dad says stuff back to mum about what SD has said SD denies saying it and my husband gets accused of shit stirring!

OP posts:
Oliversmumsarmy · 20/08/2020 08:05

I don’t understand.

OTOH her mother won’t let her visit you because you supposedly are abusive.
OTOH her mother now wants to entrust her child into the family of said abuser.

I can only conclude that either she has never believed her Dd and it suited her to make your lives as inconvenient as possible or she doesn’t care about her dd.

One thing that does need to happen is that this girl needs to come clean about her lies as atm I don’t think anyone can believe anything this girl says

Your dc need to also be acknowledged in this. They have also had the brunt of this too and for her to suddenly start living with you and nothing about her past behaviour being addressed would not be right.

These are the consequences when you lie and split families apart.
You can’t just come back into an old life like nothing has ever happened. 12 years old is old enough to acknowledge that the lie caused a massive fall out and 15 years old is old enough to start to correct past mistakes and take responsibility for the part played in the fall out.