Advice needed - Step Parenting - feels like make or break. :(

[Mummafee]

I have been with husband 10 years and married 8. I have 2 children from previous (now 16f and 14m) and he has 1 (15f). We now have one together (6m) and I’m due a baby in 6 weeks...
My SD has always been really difficult towards me but I always tried harder and treated her with more love because I understood why she behaved the way she did. However over the years it got worse and she started to tell lies about me and also my children but still we continued to welcome her as again whilst it hurt I understood. However 3 years ago after an upset over something silly she went home to her mum and said I emotionally abused her. Complete nonsense and my husband was in the room at the time so backed me up that I never said what she said. However her mum loves the drama, hates me and said she was never coming to our house again..
So for the last 3 years my husband has met up with his daughter and taken her shopping, out for meals, cinema trips e.t.c on his own. She has had no contact with my kids or her half brother. During this time she has treated my husband horrendously and he has been in bits over it.

Anyway I said to my husband right at the start that now enough was enough and to put this right she needed to tell the truth about what happened. It’s not fair that her mother and his parents (who don’t speak to us anymore mainly because of all this) have believed these lies. However as she hasn’t wanted to come back this hasn’t been addressed.

Now though she wants to come back to our house (she’s not getting on with mum, she says dubious things to my husband about how she is treated by her step dad and mum (I imagine are lies) and she’s acting out and depressed.

However right I’m suffering from prenatal depression (not wanting to admit this here but it’s important to note), I’m 6 weeks of having a baby, I can hardly walk due to pregnancy, my youngest son doesn’t know who she is anymore, my two oldest don’t want her here (as she’s been so unkind in the past and has caused so much upset)...

But she wants to come back and her mum now says she can’t cope with her anymore so she has to come to us... like right now!

It’s been 3 years and the timing is crap. I’m really upset as I desperately do want things to be ok and to be a happy merged family but she’s caused nothing but upset and drama and I don’t want me or my kids around it right now. It seems whenever something important is happening she kicks off somehow...
but my husband is heart broken... how can I resolve this so that I consider the impact on everyone... I find it mind boggling that her and her mum think after all this she can just waltz back in to our home with the red carpet treatment and with excited faces waiting for her?? But then that’s her life.. she’s been a bit of a spoilt princess and doesn’t know consequences.
she also still hasn’t admitted she lied about what happened to her mum or her grandparents and she won’t now (and apparently I’m pathetic for even asking) so I feel the last 3 years of what we’ve been through and teaching her about boundaries and consequences is pointless.
All my children are well balanced lovely kids and I’m concerned the impact of having her around will cause them.
I’m also just holding myself together and I’m feeling very anxious about it all. I just want to focus on having and adjusting to having my baby and my kids adapting to this big change...
but instead she has once again made it about her. It’s hard not to feel angry. My husband I can tell is resentful towards me right now for not just bowing down like I have always in the past... or somehow magically making it all better (again like I normally do) but right now I just don’t feel I can.
It makes me wonder if it’s best to end my marriage to be honest... I thought this would get easier as she got older... part of me just thinks if I leave my husband I don’t have to put up with this ridiculous situation and the anxiety around it and nor do my children, My SD gets what she wants (her dad to herself) and my husband can have his daughter back in his life full time of he likes. But I love him and I know he loves me and doesn’t want to break up our family. I just can’t cope with it anymore. It’s been 10 years and I’m broken.
If your still with me here thank you. I really need support and advice. X

@Apple1971

To go from no contact at all with your SD to her moving in would be very hard.

I’d say to your husband that the starting point is a discussion with you, her and him and then an agreement that she comes to stay once or twice a week initially to fit back into the family and learn boundaries and expectations. Agree on a period of time after which you can discuss if her living there full time will work.

It’s unfair of everyone to expect you to cope with this big change when you are due to give birth. It’s also unfair for her mum to decide she can’t cope with her - unfortunately that’s her responsibility not yours. She needs to resolve the issues she is having rather than just pass them over to you and your family.

Stay firm and do t be railroaded into this. It’s unfair on you and your husband has to see that. You’re not saying no, just no for now until you know you can all make it work. That’s also the fairest thing for the SD as she needs to learn boundaries and behaviours it seems.

I feel it’s unfair on me too right now and I really appreciate that being reflected. Any time in the last 2.5 years would have been fine to address all of this... but right now I can hardly walk, baby due in 6 weeks, I’m working from home still, I have 3 children at home full time and my mental health isn’t good. I feel like this is happening now because I’m having a baby. It happened when I had my son. She made a big drama then and everyone around her was interfering and then me and baby were sidelined as it all became about keeping her happy and her struggles. She became the centre of attention. It was extremely stressful and I feel it’s happening again. Again forget me and my children... sorry the worry of this has meant I’ve had 2 hours sleep. The impact on me and my unborn baby feels so unfair. I honestly tried so hard with this child and don’t feel I deserve this.

@Noneformethanks

Ah apologies. I have brain fog in the Morning due to medication.

No need to apologise! It’s not very clear sometimes using abbreviated terms at the best of times.

Can dsd go live with dgps and dh can start and rebuild his relationship from there? I didn't see my ds for a year due to his behaviour.. He wanted to come live here ft. He held his hands up taking full blame for his behaviour and actions. He has spent 4 years being a model db and ds.
Tbh I would have said no he wasn't welcome otherwise. I had other dc and he was no role model..
Tell dh you don't to be open to accusations having her there for starters..
Dsd nor her dm get to call the shots here..

@blackcat86

2 babies 7.5months apart would be stretching biology let alone a marriage unless baby 2 was born prem. Anyway, being an SM is a very hard position. You absolutely cannot allow her back in to your joint home with allegations of abuse hanging over you. Even if she makes a sudden u-turn without professional input she can just say she was bullied into a retraction. I would suggest family therapy and individual counselling for the girl. See where that goes. Your partner may need to offer more support to his ex if she is struggling with her but that doesn't mean she can just move straight in with you. Could her moving to GPs temporarily be an option? People will say is horribly evil to suggest she can't live with you but what happens if she keeps making allegations and then SS get involved with your youngest and unborn child?

She is very fortunate to have very doting grandparents and I know she has been staying with them. Mum said she was going to send SD to live with one but then SD came home 2 days later as grandmother said SD was making her ill with stress. She has apparently had some counselling and said the counsellor said it was so horrible and unfair that she wasn’t coming to our house... I imagine that she missed out the truth parts of the situation... or maybe that’s a lie too and the counsellor never said that. Who knows? I feel like such an awful person.. I just really feel I need to make a stand and look after and prioritise myself and my own children but it might cost me my marriage which I’m devastated about.

@DaenarysStormborn

Does the mum know SD is starting to make allegations against her? Potentially what this needs is a family meeting with your DH and her mum to go through the plan of action for increasing visits and moving in - and he needs to make it clear that 'we love you but we struggle to trust you given you accused...' and see what she says.

That approach requires mum to be on side though.

Just on the basis of the self harm - if she moves in she will need lots of attention. Who is planning to give it to her with a newborn and a 6 year old?

Well SD denies saying the allegations to mum so mum thinks it’s dad just stirring. Unfortunately dad and mum can’t sit down together and discuss. They have tried and it ended badly. It would be so much better for all involved if they could. I worry that she could potentially get worse on self harm if she isn’t getting all the attention and with 4 other children in the house that will be difficult. But I don’t think SD or mum have considered the fact there are other people to think about.

So sorry you're going through this at what should be a happy time for you all as a family.

I wouldn't agree for her to move in, purely as she's accused you of emotional abuse, so why would her family agree to her moving in. If she does, then I'd say to your dh that he needs to be there when you are, no alone time for you and her on that basis.

Also, how on earth will your youngest feel, a complete stranger coming into the house, not only will he have to cope with becoming a sibling and not the youngest, but this to boot. Plus when she leaves, which she will, it's a loss for him.

I'd also be tempted to involve the gp if you can, and tell them that she can't stay due too the accusation.

Tbh her mother and father need to put their foot down, she can't be allowed to make the decision to keep moving households when things get tough. My dd tried that once after we fell out and she was shut down quickly. They are in charge, but her, but I fear that boat has already sailed

@dontdisturbmenow

She can't pick and choose who she wants to live with to suit. In all likelihood, this girl has some issues and struggles with everyone. Running away to find it's no better elsewhere is not the solution.

Her dad should continue to see her outside and only agree to a very gradual reintroduction to the family that suits everyone.

Maybe a meal first with it your youngest. Then one with you and youngest, then maybe your children. Just to see how it goes.

That’s a really good idea about the gradual steps.. it’s just hard as I can hardly walk at the moment and imminent baby.. but really is the only compromise as her moving in tomorrow isn’t really an option..

I worry that part of the problem is that if she isn’t the centre of attention she acts out but I can’t go back to that kind of ransom. We lived like that for years and it was not sustainable.

Ah OP this sounds like a stressful situation your in

How her parents have dealt with her has been awful and they are fully to blame for it all.

In your position I’d say no. And prepare for the consequences. No way would I bring a new baby in to this hostile environment. It could give you PND. I think at this moment at time you have to consider your mental health and after you have baby.

So I’d say no. He can continue to see her out of the house and she maybe can start visiting for short bursts and try and build up some form of relationship with every in the house and if that goes well then she can come full time.

Herself/father and mother all made her bed for her. They can all now lie in it

I agree with pp, a phased return. Also you say you are angry at your husband and his ex for letting it get to this point. Perhaps the first thing should be an adult meeting, if it can be civil...I mean ex and her dh, you and your dh. A discussion without laying blame on each other but rather unpicking the situation and working out what is best for all of you. You four adults need to show a united front. Clearly SD has issues and she probably feels she is not really a part of either family as she has alienated you and her step siblings and now is alienating her mum's DH. Out of interest does ex have any children with her dh? You are vulnerable right now as you are pre natal with all the physical strains that brings alongside all the stress this situation is bringing. Once the adults are united only then can there be a slow reintroduction just as pp said. Sd cannot just move in. Your health and wellbeing right now is more important. Your dh has to be made to understand this. I know he is stuck between a rock and a hard place right now but you cracking under pressure or your marriage ending will be a lot harder for him to deal with. For things to change you need a solid foundation. To me that foundation is the four parents. Then DH and ex with sd. Then each individual sibling needs to talk things through with you and DH. (Your dd and ds are rightly protective of you.)
So this is not an overnight fix. There is a lot that needs repairing first otherwise the situation will not get better for anyone.
Right now you need to focus on you and new baby. If there is a plan in place and, saying it again, a united front maybe DH can calm down and carry on taking sd out.

An apology or at the very least an acknowledgement from SD that she lied would be nice but whether you get it or not...

Those bottles were supposed to be flowers!

Oh gosh, this is really awful for you. Sending you hugs and support as know one needs this when about to have a new born.

You are not in the wrong. I'd make it very clear to dh that as an alleged abuser you can not agree to having her living with you for obvious reasons.

For your existing children you can not agree to having her live with you as she is a stranger to the youngest and the hurt she has caused the eldest will not be swept under the carpet. Her needs do not trump the other 3 children. Introducing a newborn into the family will be a hard enough change without her too.

And finally for your newborn the focus of its first few months must be attachment and love, not its half sister.

Finally for your SD, she clearly has needs but you are in no place to support those needs for the next 12months. And given previous accusations she is not your responsibility. Both her parents and grandparents have made that clear with their past behaviour, they removed you from her life 100%, they can not 3 years down the line foist her on you and expect you to care for her. That ship has sailed.

For your own mental health dig down and find the strength to stand up against this. Be strong, be clear. If she is to live with your husband he will have to move out. She is not to move in to the family home with the other children, as her parents and grandparents have previously made it clear that she is not part of your family.

If she really is in such a bad place and her mother, step father and grandparents can't handle her they need to pick up the phone to social work as it's clear professional help is needed. She needs more support than a father she sees EOW and a family she hates and has no contact with.

@MrsAmaretto has the right of it - brilliant post. The girl clearly needs help, and inflicting her on a heavily pregnant SM previously accused of abuse, a half sibling she doesn’t know and step siblings she treated like shit just doesn’t seem to be the logical place to get it. Her father is an idiot if he tries to force this.
Your children in particular shouldn’t be thrown to her tender mercies on a whim. They are important too.
The relationship needs to be gradually built back up with her family. If the effort is too much for her or her father then the effort of having her move in is certainly far too much to ask of the rest of you.

Great post which covers everything I would say by @MrsAmaretto

Only thing I’d add is the mum is now struggling with the child she’s been instrumental in fucking up and needs help she can lean on DH parents who think the sun shines out of their arses and have made their loyalties clear.

She’s accused you of abusing her, you simply cannot risk further allegations which will hurt you, your children and your baby.

Protect yourself. If DH kicks off he can leave and have his DD as much as he likes. But not under your roof or around your children.

I agree with MrsAmaretto that if she is to live with your husband he will have to move out. It'll be tough for you with your new baby if he's not there, but even tougher if he is there because all of his attention and emotional energy will be directed at DSD so not only will you not receive support off him anyway but you'll also have that toxic behaviour to cope with as well. Your home should be your sanctuary, that goes for your DCs as well as for you. As their parent it's up to you to protect your children from DSD...whose fault it is that she's like that is irrelevant as far as your children's welfare is concerned.

Stay strong.

Can I suggest family mediation. My DSD has lots of issues with her mum, when she was 14, DSD, DH and DSD mum went to mediation separately and the mediator brought all the points together and found a way through. It wasn’t easy but worth it in the end.

@MrsAmaretto

Oh gosh, this is really awful for you. Sending you hugs and support as know one needs this when about to have a new born.

You are not in the wrong. I'd make it very clear to dh that as an alleged abuser you can not agree to having her living with you for obvious reasons.

For your existing children you can not agree to having her live with you as she is a stranger to the youngest and the hurt she has caused the eldest will not be swept under the carpet. Her needs do not trump the other 3 children. Introducing a newborn into the family will be a hard enough change without her too.

And finally for your newborn the focus of its first few months must be attachment and love, not its half sister.

Finally for your SD, she clearly has needs but you are in no place to support those needs for the next 12months. And given previous accusations she is not your responsibility. Both her parents and grandparents have made that clear with their past behaviour, they removed you from her life 100%, they can not 3 years down the line foist her on you and expect you to care for her. That ship has sailed.

For your own mental health dig down and find the strength to stand up against this. Be strong, be clear. If she is to live with your husband he will have to move out. She is not to move in to the family home with the other children, as her parents and grandparents have previously made it clear that she is not part of your family.

If she really is in such a bad place and her mother, step father and grandparents can't handle her they need to pick up the phone to social work as it's clear professional help is needed. She needs more support than a father she sees EOW and a family she hates and has no contact with.

Brilliant post!

@Oliversmumsarmy

I don’t understand.

OTOH her mother won’t let her visit you because you supposedly are abusive.
OTOH her mother now wants to entrust her child into the family of said abuser.

I can only conclude that either she has never believed her Dd and it suited her to make your lives as inconvenient as possible or she doesn’t care about her dd.

One thing that does need to happen is that this girl needs to come clean about her lies as atm I don’t think anyone can believe anything this girl says

Your dc need to also be acknowledged in this. They have also had the brunt of this too and for her to suddenly start living with you and nothing about her past behaviour being addressed would not be right.

These are the consequences when you lie and split families apart.
You can’t just come back into an old life like nothing has ever happened. 12 years old is old enough to acknowledge that the lie caused a massive fall out and 15 years old is old enough to start to correct past mistakes and take responsibility for the part played in the fall out.

I know it doesn’t really add up... but then mum does tend to use or say whatever suits her at the time depending on her agenda... Again thank you for acknowledging my dc. I feel no one except me in this situation considers the real impact all this has and how it may impact them depending on how this is managed.

I just feel SD and her mum expect her to come back with all of us opened armed and almost grateful she has decided she wants to be in our lives again.. and like you said as if nothing has happened.

Another one who agrees with MrsAmaretto

Just explain to your husband those points.

And if he kicks off point out you have a legal duty to protect all your own children including your older children from allegations she may make against them, while he has a duty to protect your younger child, your newborn and you from any allegations she has or will make.

@Sunnydaysandsalad

Can dsd go live with dgps and dh can start and rebuild his relationship from there? I didn't see my ds for a year due to his behaviour.. He wanted to come live here ft. He held his hands up taking full blame for his behaviour and actions. He has spent 4 years being a model db and ds. Tbh I would have said no he wasn't welcome otherwise. I had other dc and he was no role model.. Tell dh you don't to be open to accusations having her there for starters.. Dsd nor her dm get to call the shots here..

Wow. You are so brave and I admire you. That must have been so hard but it clearly was the right decision and sounds like in being consistent in your boundaries he has come round. I’m not sure I will have my husbands support and I’m worried if I put my foot down I will get further accused of being this vile person that the ex has made me out to be... And because they won’t get their way it will make the situation worse... I’ve been so accommodating and submissive but I know I need to make a stand... I need a bit of a stronger back bone.

Everything @MrsAmaretto says. That's a great post & addresses everything. Under no circumstances should you let yourself be emotionally blackmailed into taking in your dsd just because he feels torn.
He and his ex have allowed this behaviour to develop & in no way should you & your dc (including your dh's other 2 children who he seems th have forgotten exist) bear the brunt of their bad parenting.

She is very clearly a child in crisis who has serious issues with boundaries and her mental health if she is self harming and has been for along time.

My dd went through a very difficult time when she was younger teen. The impact of which was very much felt in our home rather than my ex. My dh as the resident SP had a much harder time than her father and his partner.

We had other children in this family to consider. My dh unfortunately didnt have the luxury of sending her to her dads for a break as he couldn't deal with the difficult stuff.

He could how ever take her McDonald's and throw money at her. This didnt solve the underlying issues. In fact it just reinforced her belief that actually he didnt care that much about her.

When things escalated very badly I did call him and tell he needed to take her. If he couldn't take her in his home he needed to go to his mams or find somewhere else for them to go.

I got my dd counselling, went with her and insisted her dad came as well for some sessions. We did family sessions and things slowing improved. She has a very good relationship with her SD now but there was alot of hurt there for my DH.

Your dh had a responsibility to all of you. Her moving in at the moment may not be best for your family unit but while this level of separation remains you will always have issues.

When this crisis is resolved something else will arrive. Comparing her to your children is really pointless to be honest. She isnt them and if she was capable of behaving differently with out help at this age it's likely she would be.

Holding on to this level of resentment for her is unhealthy for you. Irrelevant of if she is in your home or not.

Being so close to another baby arriving is difficult but I would want a plan in place to try to stop living in such a high conflict environment. I would tell your husband you want to go family counselling. For you both to have a better relationship for the children who live in your home and to see if you can rebuild a relationship with her.

I'm sure many people would have written of my dd at 15. At 18 she is a lovely, kind funny and intelligent young woman who has great plans for her future. If my DH had a written a post about her here back then he would have gotten post after post tearing her apart and about how she was old enough to know better, that he should wipe his hands of her etc.

This sounds like a really difficult situation. Id suggest having her over for a day or overnight once a week at first to get your younger son used to her and yourself. You do need to look at your own mental health as well which can be really difficult when dealing with step parent issues too and a baby on the way!

The child is a minor. Neither parent has the moral right to say " I no longer want responsibility for my minor child because he or she is difficult. " When you give birth to or father a child, you do not get the right to say, I will only keep it until such time that it becomes a challenge.

If the parents were still married, they could not put a minor child out for lying and being unpleasant. They would have to address the problem and resolve the issues. If the child that you have with your husband were to begin telling lies, would you put him out of your house ? Whose responsibility would you.think it would be to then house him?

Resolution of the daughter 's behavioural issues is a problem for the biological parents to resolve. That is not a problem for which you are charged with finding a solution. Your husband cannot simply give up his obligation to house his minor child because she is posing a challenging problem. No one promises us easy children when we make the decision to have children.

If seems that you have to make a choice about your life. You do not have to live with someone else 's difficult child. A solution for you might be to require family counseling as a condition of your staying in the home. It appears that the daughter does need help and it sounds as though that you too could benefit from therapy.

An apology that you have to demand, is not a heart felt or genuine apology and is in effect meaningless. Demanding that a liar apologize is simply insisting that they tell you yet another lie. You are giving them permission to lie to you. A meaningful apology has to come unsolicited.

You have a lot on your plate. You should consider counseling for yourself regardless of how the situation with the daughter is resolved.

As to what the extended family members beliefs, you have no control over that. Most people make judgements based upon the total situation. If after knowing you well, they were all willing to discard their relationship with you based upon a single lie told by your step daughter, you have not lost much in losing their friendship.

This is a difficult time for you. Please do not feel that you have to make all of these decisions alone or at one time. Now would be a great time to seek professional help in dealing with all of the upcoming changes in your life.

With appropriate help, you can begin a new chapter in your life.

Like another poster I was going to suggest family mediation. My DSS used to say stuff to DP about things that happened at his mums and go to her with allegations at mine. Thankfully never anything too serious but DP and his ex both used to buy into it. Until DSS lied that a friend at school had died to excuse his behaviour and get what he wanted. Then DP contacted the school and got pastoral care involved as well as arranging family mediation. The main thing that came out of it was DP, his ex, DP's parents and DSS all in the room - no one could lie anymore. DP, his parents and his ex finally realised that DSS had been playing them for ages and now dont immediately take what DSS says as gospel truth and establish facts first.

I would also say in your case SD coming to live with you straight away is a ridiculous idea! Taking any complications around your health and pregnancy out of the equation - the relationships all need to be rebuilt gradually; you and your DP need to agree how things will work within your home to support your SD's obvious difficulties whilst not pandering to her nor favouring her over the others - this then needs to be communicated effectively to SD so she has a clear understanding of expectations.

@Tiredoftattler how is "if the parents were still married" in any way relevant when they're separated? If the parents were still married they'd still be under the same roof. If the parents were still married there'd be no step parents to tell lies about. If the parents were still married there'd be no maintenance. If the parents were still married one or the other would probably have more agency to enforce a more consistent approach to their daughter's behaviour. If the parents were still married the dad would have been able to have more interaction with his daughter than the odd meal or cinema trip.

It is precisely because they're not still married that the mother was able to encourage the conflict between father and daughter by stating that the DD was never to be in her dad's house again, and enforce that for 3 years. You simply cannot apply the "if they were still together" logic as soon as the mum wants to change the goalposts because her chickens are coming home to roost and the situation she and the grandparents helped to engineer is blowing up in their face. All the while the Ex refuses to work together with OP's DH then the responsibility to sort this mess out lies with her as the driving force in validating the lies and accusations of abuse. Without her cooperation OP's DH will be on a hiding to nothing with both parents being played off against each other by their DD until DD's relationship with one or both parents becomes irreparable.

If and when the mum agrees to genuinely co-parent with the DH they can reassess then about whether she should live at her dad's. Until then OP and her children who are innocent bystanders in all this need protection and it is the DH's moral duty as a father to more than one child to safeguard his other children. Legally as the NRP he is not obligated to house his child, only pay maintenance for her. Morally, it would be wrong for him to box tick doing the "right" thing by agreeing to house his non resident child at the expense of the rest of his household when it's a situation that will bring chaos and pain to all parties involved (including the DD herself who will simply have it reaffirmed that her mother wants her gone) whilst the wider dynamics remain the way they are.