Advice needed - Step Parenting - feels like make or break. :(

[Mummafee]

I have been with husband 10 years and married 8. I have 2 children from previous (now 16f and 14m) and he has 1 (15f). We now have one together (6m) and I’m due a baby in 6 weeks...
My SD has always been really difficult towards me but I always tried harder and treated her with more love because I understood why she behaved the way she did. However over the years it got worse and she started to tell lies about me and also my children but still we continued to welcome her as again whilst it hurt I understood. However 3 years ago after an upset over something silly she went home to her mum and said I emotionally abused her. Complete nonsense and my husband was in the room at the time so backed me up that I never said what she said. However her mum loves the drama, hates me and said she was never coming to our house again..
So for the last 3 years my husband has met up with his daughter and taken her shopping, out for meals, cinema trips e.t.c on his own. She has had no contact with my kids or her half brother. During this time she has treated my husband horrendously and he has been in bits over it.

Anyway I said to my husband right at the start that now enough was enough and to put this right she needed to tell the truth about what happened. It’s not fair that her mother and his parents (who don’t speak to us anymore mainly because of all this) have believed these lies. However as she hasn’t wanted to come back this hasn’t been addressed.

Now though she wants to come back to our house (she’s not getting on with mum, she says dubious things to my husband about how she is treated by her step dad and mum (I imagine are lies) and she’s acting out and depressed.

However right I’m suffering from prenatal depression (not wanting to admit this here but it’s important to note), I’m 6 weeks of having a baby, I can hardly walk due to pregnancy, my youngest son doesn’t know who she is anymore, my two oldest don’t want her here (as she’s been so unkind in the past and has caused so much upset)...

But she wants to come back and her mum now says she can’t cope with her anymore so she has to come to us... like right now!

It’s been 3 years and the timing is crap. I’m really upset as I desperately do want things to be ok and to be a happy merged family but she’s caused nothing but upset and drama and I don’t want me or my kids around it right now. It seems whenever something important is happening she kicks off somehow...
but my husband is heart broken... how can I resolve this so that I consider the impact on everyone... I find it mind boggling that her and her mum think after all this she can just waltz back in to our home with the red carpet treatment and with excited faces waiting for her?? But then that’s her life.. she’s been a bit of a spoilt princess and doesn’t know consequences.
she also still hasn’t admitted she lied about what happened to her mum or her grandparents and she won’t now (and apparently I’m pathetic for even asking) so I feel the last 3 years of what we’ve been through and teaching her about boundaries and consequences is pointless.
All my children are well balanced lovely kids and I’m concerned the impact of having her around will cause them.
I’m also just holding myself together and I’m feeling very anxious about it all. I just want to focus on having and adjusting to having my baby and my kids adapting to this big change...
but instead she has once again made it about her. It’s hard not to feel angry. My husband I can tell is resentful towards me right now for not just bowing down like I have always in the past... or somehow magically making it all better (again like I normally do) but right now I just don’t feel I can.
It makes me wonder if it’s best to end my marriage to be honest... I thought this would get easier as she got older... part of me just thinks if I leave my husband I don’t have to put up with this ridiculous situation and the anxiety around it and nor do my children, My SD gets what she wants (her dad to herself) and my husband can have his daughter back in his life full time of he likes. But I love him and I know he loves me and doesn’t want to break up our family. I just can’t cope with it anymore. It’s been 10 years and I’m broken.
If your still with me here thank you. I really need support and advice. X

@BurtsBeesKnees

So sorry you're going through this at what should be a happy time for you all as a family.

I wouldn't agree for her to move in, purely as she's accused you of emotional abuse, so why would her family agree to her moving in. If she does, then I'd say to your dh that he needs to be there when you are, no alone time for you and her on that basis.

Also, how on earth will your youngest feel, a complete stranger coming into the house, not only will he have to cope with becoming a sibling and not the youngest, but this to boot. Plus when she leaves, which she will, it's a loss for him.

I'd also be tempted to involve the gp if you can, and tell them that she can't stay due too the accusation.

Tbh her mother and father need to put their foot down, she can't be allowed to make the decision to keep moving households when things get tough. My dd tried that once after we fell out and she was shut down quickly. They are in charge, but her, but I fear that boat has already sailed

Yes I am worried about the impact on my youngest for sure.. it makes me feel cross that this impact doesn’t seem to register with others concerned.

I hadn’t been alone in a room for her for about 18 months before this final episode as she had lied about me before so I told DH that I wouldn’t risk that again... good thing I did as it turns out so moving forward would certainly insist this.. I guess I would have to do this with my children too incase she lies about them again too...

SD is very much in charge and she is use to getting her way. The fact that I haven’t just agreed immediately to her coming back hasn’t gone down well at all. It’s exhausting.

Has your husband taken any responsibility for allowing his daughter to be have so horribly when she used to stay in your home? If he hasn't, I fail to see how things will be any different this time around. In fact, I think it will be far worse given her age, your children, and such a full house.

Personally, I couldn't live with all that bullshit and drama. I definitely wouldn't allow my children to be made miserable due to her.

*behave not be have, obviously.

HI OP. I'm so sorry you are dealing with this. One line of your OP stuck out to me - how can I resolve this so that I consider the impact on everyone?

OP you can't fix or resolve this for everyone. You really can't.

I don't want to out myself, but we have been through something similar (although not for so long). The turning point fir us was when I insisted that we see a family therapist, who could help us all. He saw our children, me & DH, and my ex and his wife, and we also had family meetings run by the therapist. It meant there was safe space for everyone to speak, everyone was heard, and although it was an expense, it was worth every bloody penny.

You need to find a good one though.

If you would like to PM me, I can recommend the therapist I found as he was truly superb.

OP you can't fix this. And you need to take care of yourself, your new baby and your children. I can only see two solutions, either a very slow reintroduction of your SD, so that she can get to know your children again and their feelings are respected, and you can take things at a pace which works for you at this stage of your pregnancy. Or your DH moves out and rents a flat nearby to live in with your SD.

You simply cannot apply the "if they were still together" logic as soon as the mum wants to change the goalposts because her chickens are coming home to roost and the situation she and the grandparents helped to engineer is blowing up in their face.

^Yep. And another vote for @MrsAmaretto post - summed it up perfectly.

No chance I’d be allowing her to waltz back in after the carnage she’s caused. No chance. It’s a valuable lesson for her to see how actions have consequences and she can’t run from one parent to the other when things don’t go her way.

Shes still his child and kids lie she was 12, I dont understand why you would have another child into the mix when the relationship was fractured with his dd, how is the relationship with his ds. 5 kids is alot to deal with adding in step siblings and half siblings. It sounds like she's has some issues that just haven't been addressed.

Hi OP,

I agree with PP's she can't come back.

It's the worst possible timing and given the circumstances in accusing her mother and SD it's clear she hasn't changed her behaviour.

I understand your DH being upset but he's also got a duty to everyone else in the home as well as his DD.

This is a problem he and his ex need to resolve, ideally through mediation.

DSD seems to thrive on playing off the adults around her against each other which is easy when they don't communicate.

The first step is to address that rather than burden you with a child that's accused you of emotional abuse and upset your children and could potentially put your career at risk.

In short the parents need to parent and given their past behaviour I'd suggest the GP's need to up their game too.

It seems everyone was quick to blame you 3 years ago but now when they are exhausted/frustrated by her behaviour you're expected to pick up the pieces. No.

Your DSD needs to learn that lies and allegations don't get you what you want. If your DH gives in now he teaching her that this works.

That's bad parenting.

Good luck, hold firm and don't feel guilty.

You've a moral obligation to protect your children and yourself and that's nothing to feel guilty about.

To My Cat Hated Everbody:
It was not the mom's job to make the daughter visit her father. It was the father's job to make his daughter come to his home. The mother 's job was to not stand in the way of the daughter going with her father.

I heard someone say recently that "success has many mothers but failure is an orphan. " When a father fails to be an effective parent (and he has been a presence in this child's birth) far too many people are quick to blame the mom. It is not the mom's job to facilitate a relationship with the father. It is her obligation not to impede that
relationship. It is the responsibility of each parent to be the facilitator of their respective relationship with their child.

My ex is as responsible as I am for the people that our children are becoming. If my daughter were to say that she was not going to his house, he would simply show up at my house to pick her up. He would not require me to run interference for him. He has always been an authority figure in his own right. Authority was not something that I or a court granted him. Authority was something that he assumed upon the birth of our child.

The fact that the father is the NCP is simply a legal designation ; it has nothing to do with the father's moral obligation to this child. He has an obligation to be as present in her life as he is in the life of his other soon to be 3 children.

The question is how to best make that work for all involved.Blaming the mother and minimizing the father's role is not going to solve the problem at hand.

The OP is pregnant with her 4th pregnancy. She is not new to pregnancy. It does seem though from her own account, she may be suffering from postnatal depression related to her last pregnancy.

It seems that both the daughter and the OP may be in need of professional help. Both have concerning issues.

Little is to be gained by playing a blame game. The husband and father would be well advised to seek help for both of these people about whom he should be very concerned.

Co-parenting should be the goal, but if or when it is not possible, both parents have an equal responsibility for the lives that they jointly created. Parents are parents 24/7 , 365 days a year regardless of where the child lives on any given day.

@Chezacheza

Ah OP this sounds like a stressful situation your in

How her parents have dealt with her has been awful and they are fully to blame for it all.

In your position I’d say no. And prepare for the consequences. No way would I bring a new baby in to this hostile environment. It could give you PND. I think at this moment at time you have to consider your mental health and after you have baby.

So I’d say no. He can continue to see her out of the house and she maybe can start visiting for short bursts and try and build up some form of relationship with every in the house and if that goes well then she can come full time.

Herself/father and mother all made her bed for her. They can all now lie in it

It’s awful timing. I think I have prenatal depression already. I’ve spoken to my midwife and I’m accessing support for myself for this. I had PND with my second so I know the signs and I am getting help. I am worried about the impact this is having on my baby too. But I’ve been told I’m selfish for not putting her and my husbands wants first as she’s just a child and I’m an adult. ..but your right that she is a product of their input and why should I now be the scape goat because they can’t take responsibility? I said years ago that if they continued the way they were that she would struggle. If I wasn’t weeks off having a baby and struggling with my own mental health I think I would be more willing but truth is just thinking about it all today has made me quite unwell.

@Tiredoftattler we will have to agree to disagree. A child of 12 (or even 15 for that matter, let alone a troubled one) does not have the emotional maturity to stand up to their mother when she has taken the stance, and I quote from the OP - "she was never coming to our house again."

A parent can be the best parent in the world but if the other parent is badmouthing and disrespecting them this will inevitably influence the child(ren). Or maybe you would like to jump onto the many threads I see where the mother of a together family posts because her children have started disrespecting her because they're mirroring their father's disrespectful behaviour, and tell those OPs that there's no point assigning blame to the dad and actually they're minimising their own role in the situation?

@Magissa

I agree with pp, a phased return. Also you say you are angry at your husband and his ex for letting it get to this point. Perhaps the first thing should be an adult meeting, if it can be civil...I mean ex and her dh, you and your dh. A discussion without laying blame on each other but rather unpicking the situation and working out what is best for all of you. You four adults need to show a united front. Clearly SD has issues and she probably feels she is not really a part of either family as she has alienated you and her step siblings and now is alienating her mum's DH. Out of interest does ex have any children with her dh? You are vulnerable right now as you are pre natal with all the physical strains that brings alongside all the stress this situation is bringing. Once the adults are united only then can there be a slow reintroduction just as pp said. Sd cannot just move in. Your health and wellbeing right now is more important. Your dh has to be made to understand this. I know he is stuck between a rock and a hard place right now but you cracking under pressure or your marriage ending will be a lot harder for him to deal with. For things to change you need a solid foundation. To me that foundation is the four parents. Then DH and ex with sd. Then each individual sibling needs to talk things through with you and DH. (Your dd and ds are rightly protective of you.) So this is not an overnight fix. There is a lot that needs repairing first otherwise the situation will not get better for anyone. Right now you need to focus on you and new baby. If there is a plan in place and, saying it again, a united front maybe DH can calm down and carry on taking sd out. An apology or at the very least an acknowledgement from SD that she lied would be nice but whether you get it or not...

Hi there. Thank you for your reply. I suggested a meeting years ago (over SD having instagram and an iPhone for her 8th birthday from her mum and I didn’t agree this was appropriate in our household... but mum said I was being ridiculous and said if she wasn’t allowed her phone she wouldn’t come to ours until she was) and as you said a united front would have been best but it never happened and I was basically told it’s SD and EX rules or we would be cut out.

Unfortunately the Ex does not care what I think or feel. She is unreasonable and entitled. There is just no way any compromise or consideration will be a reality. Her and DH hate one another. The way they talk to each other is awful but I’ve learnt to stay out of it as I seem to always end up in the firing line when I have tried to mediate in any way.

It’s so sad. I had a minor issue with my son and his step mum a few years back and we all sat down together united. Nipped it there and then. In my opinion my older children have 4 people raising them and those 2 that didn’t bring them into the world deserve the most respect (their step mum and step dad) as they don’t have to be in their lives. It’s so much better this way but my ex is reasonable and not an arsehole.

@MrsAmaretto

Oh gosh, this is really awful for you. Sending you hugs and support as know one needs this when about to have a new born.

You are not in the wrong. I'd make it very clear to dh that as an alleged abuser you can not agree to having her living with you for obvious reasons.

For your existing children you can not agree to having her live with you as she is a stranger to the youngest and the hurt she has caused the eldest will not be swept under the carpet. Her needs do not trump the other 3 children. Introducing a newborn into the family will be a hard enough change without her too.

And finally for your newborn the focus of its first few months must be attachment and love, not its half sister.

Finally for your SD, she clearly has needs but you are in no place to support those needs for the next 12months. And given previous accusations she is not your responsibility. Both her parents and grandparents have made that clear with their past behaviour, they removed you from her life 100%, they can not 3 years down the line foist her on you and expect you to care for her. That ship has sailed.

For your own mental health dig down and find the strength to stand up against this. Be strong, be clear. If she is to live with your husband he will have to move out. She is not to move in to the family home with the other children, as her parents and grandparents have previously made it clear that she is not part of your family.

If she really is in such a bad place and her mother, step father and grandparents can't handle her they need to pick up the phone to social work as it's clear professional help is needed. She needs more support than a father she sees EOW and a family she hates and has no contact with.

Thank you so much for this. Bought tears to me. I do feel this way and I’ve felt so alone as I have no one to really talk to openly about it who seems to genuinely understand. I was worried writing the post and thought I would likely be told I was an awful, horrible person but your post and the support from others of it shows that I’m not being unreasonable and I’m not an awful person for not jumping at the first chance offered to have her back after everything we have been through. Thank you so much.

[quote Giespeace]@MrsAmaretto has the right of it - brilliant post. The girl clearly needs help, and inflicting her on a heavily pregnant SM previously accused of abuse, a half sibling she doesn’t know and step siblings she treated like shit just doesn’t seem to be the logical place to get it. Her father is an idiot if he tries to force this.
Your children in particular shouldn’t be thrown to her tender mercies on a whim. They are important too.
The relationship needs to be gradually built back up with her family. If the effort is too much for her or her father then the effort of having her move in is certainly far too much to ask of the rest of you.[/quote]
Thank you for commenting. It does feel unreasonable but that’s not new and the lack of consideration from the ex or SD of anyone else or current circumstances makes me feel that nothing has really changed in the 3 years we haven’t been involved with each other.
I think my husband believes I would be really good for her and as she is struggling thinks I can make it better... but right now I can’t and I feel a bit resentful that I’m being asked to take this on with what I have going on in my life.. just because mum can’t cope with her and SD is acting out. Nice to be reassured that me and my kids matter too. X

@AnneLovesGilbert

Great post which covers everything I would say by *@MrsAmaretto*

Only thing I’d add is the mum is now struggling with the child she’s been instrumental in fucking up and needs help she can lean on DH parents who think the sun shines out of their arses and have made their loyalties clear.

She’s accused you of abusing her, you simply cannot risk further allegations which will hurt you, your children and your baby.

Protect yourself. If DH kicks off he can leave and have his DD as much as he likes. But not under your roof or around your children.

This made me smile. I wish I had the balls to say this... but I do have to protect us. If I believed she had changed I would be more willing but based on recent behaviours I just think the same will happen in a few months time if she comes straight back in without being taught consequences.

@MyCatHatesEverybody

I agree with MrsAmaretto that if she is to live with your husband he will have to move out. It'll be tough for you with your new baby if he's not there, but even tougher if he is there because all of his attention and emotional energy will be directed at DSD so not only will you not receive support off him anyway but you'll also have that toxic behaviour to cope with as well. Your home should be your sanctuary, that goes for your DCs as well as for you. As their parent it's up to you to protect your children from DSD...whose fault it is that she's like that is irrelevant as far as your children's welfare is concerned.

Stay strong.

Thank you for this. Your right that I don’t want Me or my children to feel on eggshells in our own home. It was like that before. My home is my happy safe place (especially at the moment as my mental health isn’t great). I don’t believe I can cope with that pressure when I’m due a baby too. I just want peace and no drama. X

Have you told him no OP?

@doodleygirl

Can I suggest family mediation. My DSD has lots of issues with her mum, when she was 14, DSD, DH and DSD mum went to mediation separately and the mediator brought all the points together and found a way through. It wasn’t easy but worth it in the end.

This is a really good idea and one I suggested a long time ago but mum said no as she said it was too stressful and not fair on SD and in her eyes this is all our fault so we need to fix it and put daughter first in everything. (Literally dealing with a narcissistic witch) I’m really happy that you had a positive outcome.

@RedRumTheHorse

Another one who agrees with MrsAmaretto

Just explain to your husband those points.

And if he kicks off point out you have a legal duty to protect all your own children including your older children from allegations she may make against them, while he has a duty to protect your younger child, your newborn and you from any allegations she has or will make.

I agree. For the years before this happened my children’s feelings were ignored and they were expected to take 2nd place. I can’t allow that anymore. DH said I can’t punish her for what she said 3 years ago... I don’t think he really gets the impact this has had on us all.

@Magda72

Everything *@MrsAmaretto* says. That's a great post & addresses everything. Under no circumstances should you let yourself be emotionally blackmailed into taking in your dsd just because he feels torn. He and his ex have allowed this behaviour to develop & in no way should you & your dc (including your dh's other 2 children who he seems th have forgotten exist) bear the brunt of their bad parenting.

Hi there. Thank you for your honesty. I keep defending my DH but the point you make about us having to bear the brunt and the dismissing of our children (including our 2 together) hit a nerve.. says a lot doesn’t it. That’s so sad. Maybe he hasn’t changed that much either...

@Maybe83

She is very clearly a child in crisis who has serious issues with boundaries and her mental health if she is self harming and has been for along time.

My dd went through a very difficult time when she was younger teen. The impact of which was very much felt in our home rather than my ex. My dh as the resident SP had a much harder time than her father and his partner.

We had other children in this family to consider. My dh unfortunately didnt have the luxury of sending her to her dads for a break as he couldn't deal with the difficult stuff.

He could how ever take her McDonald's and throw money at her. This didnt solve the underlying issues. In fact it just reinforced her belief that actually he didnt care that much about her.

When things escalated very badly I did call him and tell he needed to take her. If he couldn't take her in his home he needed to go to his mams or find somewhere else for them to go.

I got my dd counselling, went with her and insisted her dad came as well for some sessions. We did family sessions and things slowing improved. She has a very good relationship with her SD now but there was alot of hurt there for my DH.

Your dh had a responsibility to all of you. Her moving in at the moment may not be best for your family unit but while this level of separation remains you will always have issues.

When this crisis is resolved something else will arrive. Comparing her to your children is really pointless to be honest. She isnt them and if she was capable of behaving differently with out help at this age it's likely she would be.

Holding on to this level of resentment for her is unhealthy for you. Irrelevant of if she is in your home or not.

Being so close to another baby arriving is difficult but I would want a plan in place to try to stop living in such a high conflict environment. I would tell your husband you want to go family counselling. For you both to have a better relationship for the children who live in your home and to see if you can rebuild a relationship with her.

I'm sure many people would have written of my dd at 15. At 18 she is a lovely, kind funny and intelligent young woman who has great plans for her future. If my DH had a written a post about her here back then he would have gotten post after post tearing her apart and about how she was old enough to know better, that he should wipe his hands of her etc.

Please don’t misjudge my post. I honestly don’t want to rip her apart. She has issues and she’s 15, a very difficult time for many this age anyway... I honestly want things to be good between us all. I’ve never experienced this with her but that would be what I want and I honestly have tried so so hard. I couldn’t have shown her more love or care than what I did. Your right that the issue remains if she doesn’t move back right now and your right that staying resentful isn’t good for anyone. I take that on board. I think family therapy is a good idea and I will consider this. Sounds like it was good for you. Thank you for your post.

@rogue1990

This sounds like a really difficult situation. Id suggest having her over for a day or overnight once a week at first to get your younger son used to her and yourself. You do need to look at your own mental health as well which can be really difficult when dealing with step parent issues too and a baby on the way!

Thank you for your time in reading my post. It’s tough and a phased return seems to be the best approach.

@Tiredoftattler

The child is a minor. Neither parent has the moral right to say " I no longer want responsibility for my minor child because he or she is difficult. " When you give birth to or father a child, you do not get the right to say, I will only keep it until such time that it becomes a challenge.

If the parents were still married, they could not put a minor child out for lying and being unpleasant. They would have to address the problem and resolve the issues. If the child that you have with your husband were to begin telling lies, would you put him out of your house ? Whose responsibility would you.think it would be to then house him?

Resolution of the daughter 's behavioural issues is a problem for the biological parents to resolve. That is not a problem for which you are charged with finding a solution. Your husband cannot simply give up his obligation to house his minor child because she is posing a challenging problem. No one promises us easy children when we make the decision to have children.

If seems that you have to make a choice about your life. You do not have to live with someone else 's difficult child. A solution for you might be to require family counseling as a condition of your staying in the home. It appears that the daughter does need help and it sounds as though that you too could benefit from therapy.

An apology that you have to demand, is not a heart felt or genuine apology and is in effect meaningless. Demanding that a liar apologize is simply insisting that they tell you yet another lie. You are giving them permission to lie to you. A meaningful apology has to come unsolicited.

You have a lot on your plate. You should consider counseling for yourself regardless of how the situation with the daughter is resolved.

As to what the extended family members beliefs, you have no control over that. Most people make judgements based upon the total situation. If after knowing you well, they were all willing to discard their relationship with you based upon a single lie told by your step daughter, you have not lost much in losing their friendship.

This is a difficult time for you. Please do not feel that you have to make all of these decisions alone or at one time. Now would be a great time to seek professional help in dealing with all of the upcoming changes in your life.

With appropriate help, you can begin a new chapter in your life.

Thank you for your post. A lot of fuel for thought. I certainly feel at a crossroads and wonder what the best is for all concerned And I am seeking help for myself. I recognise I need this regardless of how this all unfolds.

You are in a really difficult position. Your DH and DSD mum have essentially failed their daughter; they've allowed her to get away with being manipulative and unpleasant, haven't provided sufficient boundaries and, to be honest, have failed to provide enough love and security for her. They are each equally responsible for these failures and are seeing the results in her challenging behaviour.

The problem you have is that, if DSD mum washes her hands of DSD, your husband has no option but to take her (unless the GPs will, and it sounds like they can't cope). If one parent fails a child, unfortunately the other parent has to step into the breach.

If that happens, based on what you've described, I would see no other option but for either me or DH to move out if I were in your position. You are not responsible in any way for DSD but I can see both your DH and DSD mum lining up to dump the responsibility onto you, both practical and emotional. You will be the one left doing the extra chores and cleaning up from having another teen in the house and navigating the emotional and behavioural issues resulting from her interactions with your DC. Tbh, it doesn't sound as if you will even be able to leave her alone with the little one or the new baby - you will have to monitor them at all times. All this while being cast as the "villain" or enemy and not being given the authority of a parent! I couldn't do it...You don't sound like you have the energy to do it.

So you have a tough choice to make . Ultimately, if she does move it, your DH needs to step up in a big way (and actually be a parent). You should make it absolutely clear that he needs to come down like a tonne of bricks on any bad behaviour on her part or it will be the end of your relationship.

People on this thread have said things so much more eloquently than I ever could but if you do let her move in you need to be very careful of her around your younger children/newborn. It wouldn't take much for the lies about you OP to come out again and for social services to be involved this time. Your younger children only have you it seems like to protect them from her.

At 12 she did know right from wrong and must have had a grasp of consequences. Is it a coincidence that she is being foisted on you weeks before you're due to give birth I wonder?