Advice needed - Step Parenting - feels like make or break. :(

[Mummafee]

I have been with husband 10 years and married 8. I have 2 children from previous (now 16f and 14m) and he has 1 (15f). We now have one together (6m) and I’m due a baby in 6 weeks...
My SD has always been really difficult towards me but I always tried harder and treated her with more love because I understood why she behaved the way she did. However over the years it got worse and she started to tell lies about me and also my children but still we continued to welcome her as again whilst it hurt I understood. However 3 years ago after an upset over something silly she went home to her mum and said I emotionally abused her. Complete nonsense and my husband was in the room at the time so backed me up that I never said what she said. However her mum loves the drama, hates me and said she was never coming to our house again..
So for the last 3 years my husband has met up with his daughter and taken her shopping, out for meals, cinema trips e.t.c on his own. She has had no contact with my kids or her half brother. During this time she has treated my husband horrendously and he has been in bits over it.

Anyway I said to my husband right at the start that now enough was enough and to put this right she needed to tell the truth about what happened. It’s not fair that her mother and his parents (who don’t speak to us anymore mainly because of all this) have believed these lies. However as she hasn’t wanted to come back this hasn’t been addressed.

Now though she wants to come back to our house (she’s not getting on with mum, she says dubious things to my husband about how she is treated by her step dad and mum (I imagine are lies) and she’s acting out and depressed.

However right I’m suffering from prenatal depression (not wanting to admit this here but it’s important to note), I’m 6 weeks of having a baby, I can hardly walk due to pregnancy, my youngest son doesn’t know who she is anymore, my two oldest don’t want her here (as she’s been so unkind in the past and has caused so much upset)...

But she wants to come back and her mum now says she can’t cope with her anymore so she has to come to us... like right now!

It’s been 3 years and the timing is crap. I’m really upset as I desperately do want things to be ok and to be a happy merged family but she’s caused nothing but upset and drama and I don’t want me or my kids around it right now. It seems whenever something important is happening she kicks off somehow...
but my husband is heart broken... how can I resolve this so that I consider the impact on everyone... I find it mind boggling that her and her mum think after all this she can just waltz back in to our home with the red carpet treatment and with excited faces waiting for her?? But then that’s her life.. she’s been a bit of a spoilt princess and doesn’t know consequences.
she also still hasn’t admitted she lied about what happened to her mum or her grandparents and she won’t now (and apparently I’m pathetic for even asking) so I feel the last 3 years of what we’ve been through and teaching her about boundaries and consequences is pointless.
All my children are well balanced lovely kids and I’m concerned the impact of having her around will cause them.
I’m also just holding myself together and I’m feeling very anxious about it all. I just want to focus on having and adjusting to having my baby and my kids adapting to this big change...
but instead she has once again made it about her. It’s hard not to feel angry. My husband I can tell is resentful towards me right now for not just bowing down like I have always in the past... or somehow magically making it all better (again like I normally do) but right now I just don’t feel I can.
It makes me wonder if it’s best to end my marriage to be honest... I thought this would get easier as she got older... part of me just thinks if I leave my husband I don’t have to put up with this ridiculous situation and the anxiety around it and nor do my children, My SD gets what she wants (her dad to herself) and my husband can have his daughter back in his life full time of he likes. But I love him and I know he loves me and doesn’t want to break up our family. I just can’t cope with it anymore. It’s been 10 years and I’m broken.
If your still with me here thank you. I really need support and advice. X

@MellowBird85

What I don't understand OP is that if your DH is so upset and frantic why is he not doing anything?

I’ll tell you why. Because the fact is he knows deep down this is a crock of shit, a manipulative ploy by the ex and DSD to flounce back into her dad’s house like nothing’s happened. It’s so obvious they’ve just had a fallout (as most teenage girls and their mother’s do) and want a breather from each other. But it’s too much effort DH’s part to actually get to the bottom of it and deal with it properly. It’s much easier, as far as he’s concerned, for OP to STFU, fall in line and accept her moving back in with no moaning.

Or alternatively he's just continuing to stick his head in the sand like he's done for the past 3 years, being utterly ineffectual in every meaningful way.

He's treating parenting like a spectator sport.

He's making some very big asks of the OP and her children whilst refusing to play the game himself.

If my DH had a call from DSD's mother that she was suicidal and then stopped answering texts he wouldn't have gone to bed distressed - I know because I asked him and his response to paraphrase....

He'd be in the car, knocking on the door and refusing to leave until he'd spoken to DSD. If he felt it necessary he'd have taken her to hospital for an urgent psychiatric consultation.

He wouldn't think about speaking SS or CAHMS - he'd have done that weeks ago wrt the latter and as soon as he was made aware of their involvement re: the former.

He'd have arranged a meeting with the school for as soon as term starts.

He'd have done masses of research into therapy (family and individual for DSD) and got that set up and paid for.

If he felt it was appropriate he would have taken her away for a week (or however long was needed getting a leave of absence from work if required) to spend time with her one to one.

He'd have contacted Grandparents on both sides (and bugger any prior feuds) to see if they could cast any light on the situation.

He'd have spoken to his GP to get advice plus any other services/charities etc who might be able to offer guidance.

In other words he'd be fully engaged and pulling out all the stops to understand what the issues were and putting together plans/resources to help his child.

The OP's DH has literally done sweet FA apart from bitch at her for being in a position where she's not able to do his job for him.

@DeRigueurMortis don’t misunderstand me, I’m not making excuses for him. You’re absolutely right - any half decent parent would take the action you describe, bluff or not. I’m just trying to cast light on the reason for his inaction.

[quote MellowBird85]@DeRigueurMortis don’t misunderstand me, I’m not making excuses for him. You’re absolutely right - any half decent parent would take the action you describe, bluff or not. I’m just trying to cast light on the reason for his inaction.[/quote]

Sorry I did understand (but perhaps didn't articulate that very well) you and think you might well be correct sadly.

He either knows it's not true or is burying his head in the sand - either way he's still expecting the OP to parent his child when he can't even be bothered to get in the car or pick up the phone.

I mean, what kind parent on being told their child is suicidal goes to bed fretting about it? What kind of father doesn't pick up the ruddy phone to SS when told "they've advised" his child need to move out from the care of her mother and instead needs "to think about it".....

He needs less "think", more bloody "do".

Again a lot to think about...
I know if it was me then I would have taken full action too. I would understand that under the circumstances it wouldn’t be in anyones interest for her to move straight in but that doesn’t mean I couldn’t support or help my child.

I think he didn’t go up as that was what the ex and probably SD was baiting him to do... it sadly would have inevitably caused a scene and a big drama...

Also these suggestive messages of suicide and then not answering the phone has happened before so I think a part of him knows it’s likely they are being manipulative...

However then he acts like it is genuine and she could be dying but responds so cowardly and like you say passive when he should just take some bloody authority and get some answers to what the hell is going on... but he doesn’t ask the questions.. or he does and gets ignored or contradictory responses so he just lets it go...
which makes me so cross. He never gets to the bottom of things so they don’t get resolved. He can’t parent her when she doesn’t live with us so how is he going to with her living with us??

His only solution seems to be having her with us eventually as he thinks getting her away from all the ‘poison’ is the answer.
It’s confusing me how when he suggests how big and how difficult this all is for SD, I am empathic.. but whenever I start to say how big this is and the impact on anyone else it feels he is dismissive and reacts like I’m being over dramatic.

I guess I just need to stop caring about what he thinks as he is not looking out for everyone here.
Sometimes I think I must be going mad and start to question myself.

I think he is relying on if he just carries on with his narrative:
Too huge and dreadful for SD
Get her away from poison
She needs to move back

And ignoring your valid justifications as you why it won't work or help you will eventually back down. So yep he completely ignores your point of view every time.

He has utter tunnel vision to him there is only one solution and I think underneath it's a power battle with you. His ex and DD have all the power over him and therefore he desperately wants some power back somewhere.

He can't accept that presently your SD is part of the poison herself and you refuse to have that brought into your home. She is 16, it would be long term intervention and her wanting to change that stop her being poisonous and all that is being demonstrated is that she wants to carry on with her drama and behaviour because she has 16!years of it working...

I think you need to make it clear to your DH that if SD is forced on you without your agreement you will immediately file for divorce (not a separation). I’m suggesting this because this weak man only seems to listen to the person who makes his life most uncomfortable at any particular time.

Do phone social services tomorrow (don’t discuss it with DH) and report your concerns in full. Today, if you haven’t already done it, you should (secretly) make a timeline of all the lies, threats, talk of suicide and abusive behaviour from your SD. You should also make a list of examples showing the lack of parenting and toxic behaviour from both parents.

I suspect the ex, SD and DH will all be so furious with you, once they have SS involvement, that any talk of moving in with you will quickly disappear!

*I think you need to make it clear to your DH that if SD is forced on you without your agreement you will immediately file for divorce (not a separation). I’m suggesting this because this weak man only seems to listen to the person who makes his life most uncomfortable at any particular time.

Do phone social services tomorrow (don’t discuss it with DH) and report your concerns in full. Today, if you haven’t already done it, you should (secretly) make a timeline of all the lies, threats, talk of suicide and abusive behaviour from your SD. You should also make a list of examples showing the lack of parenting and toxic behaviour from both parents.

I suspect the ex, SD and DH will all be so furious with you, once they have SS involvement, that any talk of moving in with you will quickly disappear!*

^
Exactly this.
Completely on the point.

I too agree with @Silentplikebath as @Mummafee the only thing your dh seems capable of responding to is blunt force. I'd spell it out to him in no uncertain terms - your gloves really need to come off at this stage.
I think @RandomMess mentioned a power struggle? And I would agree with that too. I mentioned the f**ked up dynamic between dh, ex & dsd upthread & this is precisely what I meant. Ex & dsd have robbed dh of all his power within their 'unit' - in short they have him bullied. However instead of 'taking them on' he's taking you on & trying to exert his misplaced need for power & control over you - He's focusing on the wrong person & situation entirely.
I'm so sorry this is still unresolved for you but I think you need to face the fact that your dh will talk the talk but he will NOT walk the walk & if you don't brutally put your foot down now you will be living with this for years to come. His dsd will be in her 20s & she and her dm will still be calling the shots in your life because your dh either won't or can't stand up to them.

His only solution seems to be having her with us eventually as he thinks getting her away from all the ‘poison’ is the answer.

The problem is that he's got no actual clue about what's really going on or what the issues are.

You can't "fix" something if you don't know why it's broken.

He's making some pretty big assumptions here one of which is the source of the "poison".

Sadly (and due to poor parenting/boundaries so I'm not blaming the child here) his DD has a long behavioural history of lies and manipulation.

Simply transplanting her location won't fix that.

She absolutely needs and deserves help but if he's sticking his head in the sand about the root causes of the problems here he's liable to make the situation worse not better.

Tbh I wouldn't call SS if I were you OP - your DH needs to do it and you need to be blunt that if he can't even do this one thing whilst she's not living with you it's a good indication of all the other things he's not going to do if she did.

He needs to stop being so passive and whinging. He wants to help his DD - well do something then. There's a raft of things he could be doing but isn't.

Honestly I don't know how you can put up with it.

He's a cheeky bastard laying everything at your door whilst being so ineffectual himself - it's really selfish behaviour.

I would tell h8m that when professionals eventually get involved with his daughter they will ask him why he didn't get her professional help. He can ring her school, doctor or social care but a suicidal daughter should not be without input, the plaster is not for her to move in with you.
He can always go get an air bnb with her, don't set it up as a 'her or us option'

I haven’t and wouldn’t ever put it as ‘her or us’.. I don’t think that’s fair. I have suggested already that we live apart so that he can take care of SD and I can focus on me, my DC and baby but he said he doesn’t want to do that.

I just don’t see why I (the non parent) should be the one after the way I’ve been treated be the one to step up and parent this child...

But I am worried about what might happen when I’m in hospital... I would like to think that it will all be ok but I have doubt... it’s sad that I don’t feel I can trust that my wishes will be respected whilst I’m in hospital bringing our child into the world...But as it has already been established he’s pretty weak when it comes to this and has tunnel vision.

I think I will call SS or family lives even if it’s for advice or to log my concerns because I just know he won’t.
And therefore I guess I need to know I did all I could to protect my DC and myself right now and even SD, as if it means she gets professional support involved that can only be a good thing and that I’ve helped in the only way I can right now.
And seeing as the ex already has them involved (allegedly) and I’ve told DH he should call them himself I guess me calling them shouldn’t be a problem? And if it is then I’m kinda thinking ‘and???’ I’m already the bad guy here... and no one else is looking out for me or my DC and I’m their mother and that comes above pissing any of them off...

I think the problem with you calling it might be seen as a way to get what you want rather than helping her.
I'd tell him school will say he's negligent for not getting her professional help

It also means that you are still thinking of her welfare and safety (which you are).

Damned if you do, damned if you don't. It's the only option open to you if her own DP's aren't stepping up to making the call.

I wouldn't be calling SS. You don't need the stress of that right now. I don't believe they are involved at all... they worked have contacted your DH to see that the environment is conducive for her.

Something serious has happened for her mum to want to get rid of her so desperately... it just doesn't add up.

Stay strong... you've done great with the wise words and advice of some knowledgeable posters here. That's the part of MN that I really like and its absolutely priceless 👌

You have already been lied to continually about this child. Calling SS isn’t going to hurt you except to further define your boundaries and to prove to both your DH and the ex and the “devoted gps” they are shitful role models and this kid needs help. SS are going to want to see the messages (so I would nick DH’s phone and get screenshots and send them to myself. Evidence that might “accidentally” be deleted should an appointment with SS be made.) This kid DOES need help. Imagine knowing that neither of your parents want you, ultimately knowing it’s your fault, etc. (I’m sure she does, but will never admit it.) You must have a terrible time respecting your DH right now, let alone trusting him. I would be spelling out in very small words that if she is moved in while you are in hospital, he can expect divorce proceedings within the week. You will NOT be too vulnerable to get that started.

I do think it's entirely reasonable to contact SS in this situation. To record your concerns in advance of any accusations she may make: it helps you feel a little safer and could protect your children. It's all likely to be below their threshold, but will be recorded in case it becomes part of a 'bigger picture' down the line.

I'm afraid whether morally right or wrong, in this situation calling SS is not going to help anybody at all.
SS first approach will be to look into your 'proof' and motivations for reporting. In your case this is a child you have not physically seen or spoken to directly for 3 years. All your 'evidence' is information relayed to you by her parents one of whom hates you. At most SS will telephone the parents to ask some basic questions about what's going on. Parents will say we are dealing with it. They will be advised to take SD back to the GP. Case closed. Your report will very likely be put down as a malicious complaint. This will not help SD

The effect on SD's mum and mum's family will be to create extreme antagonism towards you and even higher levels of conflict between your families. This will not help SD either

The effect on your marriage of basically reporting your own DH for neglect (because he is as culpable as SD's mum) - well, only you can say, but I can't believe that it would end well. This wouldn't help SD or your dc or you

In an ideal world, SS would move in and offer caring support to SD and her family to enable them to rebuild relationships and grow more healthily together. I'm afraid in the incredibly underfunded reality this just wont happen.

What is actually far more likely that SS will take one look at the situation and if they don't see the complaint as malicious join in pressurising you to take in SD to remove her from toxic mum.

Leave the ball in your dh's court to make this move if he feels it's right.

@Haffdonga I'm not suggested OP speak to SS to report a child in need and make allegations. What you suggested would follow from that. However, she could inform SS that that SD has made allegations about her in the past, and that OP is facing pressure to house SD, which is impossible due to perinatal team involvement re her own mental health, and the need for OP to feel safe to care effectively for her own soon to be born baby and older children. Actually, OP, the perinatal team could also support you to feel confident in your choices - have you spoken to them about the situation? (Sorry unable to scroll back and check this currently.)

[quote namechange5575]@Haffdonga I'm not suggested OP speak to SS to report a child in need and make allegations. What you suggested would follow from that. However, she could inform SS that that SD has made allegations about her in the past, and that OP is facing pressure to house SD, which is impossible due to perinatal team involvement re her own mental health, and the need for OP to feel safe to care effectively for her own soon to be born baby and older children. Actually, OP, the perinatal team could also support you to feel confident in your choices - have you spoken to them about the situation? (Sorry unable to scroll back and check this currently.)
[/quote]
Ah yes. I see what you're saying @namechange5575.

However if OP rings SS and says My SD accused me of abuse and now she wants to live here SS would be obliged to investigate the allegations even if the alleged abuser is the one reporting themselves . This would presumably involve checking on OP's own family and dcs' safety. They will either see no cause for concern (in which case once again there's no reason SD cant move in and pressure grows) or they will find a reason for concern in which case a whole new can of worms opens.

Again, in theory it might be a good thing to do but realistically neither the OP or SD will end up in a better position. I agree with Namechange that it's the perinatal and MH team who OP should talk to and they will talk to SS if they feel there is any need. OP, let the professionals who are on your side make that call.

Just to update... I haven’t called. I was going to yesterday but was a bit poorly...
I think a part of me doesn’t feel comfortable about it.. I think it’s because I would be doing it behind DH back.. and he would find out so if I do call them I feel I need to tell him I’m doing it first..
I have spoken to perinatal MH lady and my midwife about the situation who are supportive of what I am saying. The MH lady is actually coming out to see me with DH soon so I think she’s going to mention something then so he is present too. Like you say, having an outside professional stating what should be obvious will have more weight than just me saying it and hopefully that should be enough to give me and my DC some breathing space from the situation for a while.

Oh, OP.

I have just RTFT and how you have not become very unwell from the stress of this I don’t know.

This comment seems to sum it up: he treats parenting as a spectator sport

Firstly you are not wrong about anything on here. What a spineless man your h is. He is totally embroiled in a horrible dynamic and is robbing you and your dc of any chance of a peaceful life together.

Secondly, I don’t think he deserves to be present when you see the perinatal MH team. You deserve to have their full attention on you. Can you change the appt so he is not present?

I have just cancelled any plans to move in with my OH. Because his (possibly mentally unwell and grown up with nil boundaries or consequences) 19yo dd who has nil qualifications and nil life skills and bags of entitlement and manipulation calls the shots with him.

I see from this very upsetting thread I’ve not done the wrong thing.

I am incensed on your behalf OP and send you strength

@LatentPhase Thank you for your post and the support you send. Also would like to send you some strength too. It’s a very sad situation to be in but I really admire you for your decision to say no. You and many others on this thread have really held my backbone up and inspired me to have a voice.

I was able to speak to the MH lady alone last week and told her everything that’s going on and my current fears. She offered to see me alone again but I actually feel it would be useful for him to hear from a professional that ‘this is not okay’ and that what is in everyone’s interest right now is not to move SD in and for him to reduce the stress and pressure.

I’m finding it very difficult today to understand why is it that the majority of people on here, the few friends I have spoken to about this, my midwife and MH lady all agree how toxic and dysfunctional the situation is.
And yet my DH seems to completely dismiss the seriousness and the damage of all of this.. in the past, in the here and now and in the future.
He very much talks of SD as an innocent victim who has done absolutely nothing wrong and everything that happens is down to other people...

He saw her yesterday and asked her why she didn’t contact him after her messages saying she was suicidal and she just said she wasn’t in the headspace and then mum apparently took her phone off her...
And so that was the end of it. No further discussion... (I give up!)

She did say her SD is really horrible to her and blamed him. She apparently broke her wardrobe door as he kept going on at her about why isn’t she staying with her dad yet and saying how useless he is...
Im guessing that must have been the point when her mum text and said someone will be dropping her off to ours the next day.
But this week it’s ok as her SD is working away this week so she’s gonna stay home with mum and not have to go to any gps...which I find odd in itself.. but also I’m guessing mum now has more than 2 months to live then, because if my DH was terminal in 2 months I wouldn’t be working away for a week.
Bizarre.

@Mummafee I totally understand your confusion & struggle re your dh's inability to 'see' the situation for what it is.
All I'll say (& I am in NO WAY excusing him) is that he is locked away in his own headspace of self denial & self denial is THE biggest tool any of us have when we don't want to face the truth.
Your dh taking on the truth that his ex is unpleasant, his dd is manipulative, he's an ineffective parent, he's weak & you're strong is not something he seems able to acknowledge atm & in all honesty it would probably take him years of his own therapy to face up to all of this.
Even if (after hearing a professional talk) he is responsive to this immediate issue I would predict he is not going to change unless he seeks therapy himself or unless he has some massive lightbulb moment.
I hate to say it but both of the above seem unlikely as he is displaying classic narcissistic personality behaviours; in his head he's the victim but he's also the most important person in all this as is his dd who it seems to me represents an extension of himself - her being victimised but her being of absolute importance is imo exactly how he sees himself.
I hope in the short term you get some support with everything & manage to have your baby in some manner of peace.

Well it’s very similar in my scenario, OP.

OH’s 19yo dd kicks off intermittently at her stepdad. Because, I guess, unconditional love is not possible therefore boundaries exist. Same for you. Hence being subjected to lies.

I have not been subject to destructive behaviour directly from OP’s dd (who admitted she wasn’t keen on moving in with us because (and I paraphrase) ‘I would discover what she is really like’.

The only reason I am not subjected to it is because I refuse to enter the dysfunctional dance. I won’t move in. I can remain separate and say yes or no to being in her presence. It’s my only way of protecting myself. It’s your only way too, OP.

The last part of your post I think shows your DH's ex's true motivation for her wanting her daughter to move. It's nothing to do with illness but everything to do with her partner. I worry about what that could do to a child's confidence and security- in her eyes no one seems to want her, her mom is dying (in her eyes) and she is been constantly told she can't live here. Now I'm not saying that your stance should change, you have absolutely good and solid reasoning behind your decision. But that young girl doesn't realise this.

When things at yours are settled down, I would start all over again with her, discuss the issues of the past and work through them with a fresh new start slowly and steadily bringing her back into a new caring environment. She might be challenging, difficult but I can understand why she has turned out like this.