Advice needed - Step Parenting - feels like make or break. :(

[Mummafee]

I have been with husband 10 years and married 8. I have 2 children from previous (now 16f and 14m) and he has 1 (15f). We now have one together (6m) and I’m due a baby in 6 weeks...
My SD has always been really difficult towards me but I always tried harder and treated her with more love because I understood why she behaved the way she did. However over the years it got worse and she started to tell lies about me and also my children but still we continued to welcome her as again whilst it hurt I understood. However 3 years ago after an upset over something silly she went home to her mum and said I emotionally abused her. Complete nonsense and my husband was in the room at the time so backed me up that I never said what she said. However her mum loves the drama, hates me and said she was never coming to our house again..
So for the last 3 years my husband has met up with his daughter and taken her shopping, out for meals, cinema trips e.t.c on his own. She has had no contact with my kids or her half brother. During this time she has treated my husband horrendously and he has been in bits over it.

Anyway I said to my husband right at the start that now enough was enough and to put this right she needed to tell the truth about what happened. It’s not fair that her mother and his parents (who don’t speak to us anymore mainly because of all this) have believed these lies. However as she hasn’t wanted to come back this hasn’t been addressed.

Now though she wants to come back to our house (she’s not getting on with mum, she says dubious things to my husband about how she is treated by her step dad and mum (I imagine are lies) and she’s acting out and depressed.

However right I’m suffering from prenatal depression (not wanting to admit this here but it’s important to note), I’m 6 weeks of having a baby, I can hardly walk due to pregnancy, my youngest son doesn’t know who she is anymore, my two oldest don’t want her here (as she’s been so unkind in the past and has caused so much upset)...

But she wants to come back and her mum now says she can’t cope with her anymore so she has to come to us... like right now!

It’s been 3 years and the timing is crap. I’m really upset as I desperately do want things to be ok and to be a happy merged family but she’s caused nothing but upset and drama and I don’t want me or my kids around it right now. It seems whenever something important is happening she kicks off somehow...
but my husband is heart broken... how can I resolve this so that I consider the impact on everyone... I find it mind boggling that her and her mum think after all this she can just waltz back in to our home with the red carpet treatment and with excited faces waiting for her?? But then that’s her life.. she’s been a bit of a spoilt princess and doesn’t know consequences.
she also still hasn’t admitted she lied about what happened to her mum or her grandparents and she won’t now (and apparently I’m pathetic for even asking) so I feel the last 3 years of what we’ve been through and teaching her about boundaries and consequences is pointless.
All my children are well balanced lovely kids and I’m concerned the impact of having her around will cause them.
I’m also just holding myself together and I’m feeling very anxious about it all. I just want to focus on having and adjusting to having my baby and my kids adapting to this big change...
but instead she has once again made it about her. It’s hard not to feel angry. My husband I can tell is resentful towards me right now for not just bowing down like I have always in the past... or somehow magically making it all better (again like I normally do) but right now I just don’t feel I can.
It makes me wonder if it’s best to end my marriage to be honest... I thought this would get easier as she got older... part of me just thinks if I leave my husband I don’t have to put up with this ridiculous situation and the anxiety around it and nor do my children, My SD gets what she wants (her dad to herself) and my husband can have his daughter back in his life full time of he likes. But I love him and I know he loves me and doesn’t want to break up our family. I just can’t cope with it anymore. It’s been 10 years and I’m broken.
If your still with me here thank you. I really need support and advice. X

@CBADotCom

Like another poster I was going to suggest family mediation. My DSS used to say stuff to DP about things that happened at his mums and go to her with allegations at mine. Thankfully never anything too serious but DP and his ex both used to buy into it. Until DSS lied that a friend at school had died to excuse his behaviour and get what he wanted. Then DP contacted the school and got pastoral care involved as well as arranging family mediation. The main thing that came out of it was DP, his ex, DP's parents and DSS all in the room - no one could lie anymore. DP, his parents and his ex finally realised that DSS had been playing them for ages and now dont immediately take what DSS says as gospel truth and establish facts first.

I would also say in your case SD coming to live with you straight away is a ridiculous idea! Taking any complications around your health and pregnancy out of the equation - the relationships all need to be rebuilt gradually; you and your DP need to agree how things will work within your home to support your SD's obvious difficulties whilst not pandering to her nor favouring her over the others - this then needs to be communicated effectively to SD so she has a clear understanding of expectations.

Hi. Thank you for your post. I wish it was possible to get in a room and have it out so to speak... it’s good this took place for your DP and that this opened up people’s eyes and were able to move forward. I’ve started to talk to DP this evening about how things need to be different this time (his approach to things too) as I can’t go back to how it’s been.

@Aquamarine1029

Has your husband taken any responsibility for allowing his daughter to be have so horribly when she used to stay in your home? If he hasn't, I fail to see how things will be any different this time around. In fact, I think it will be far worse given her age, your children, and such a full house.

Personally, I couldn't live with all that bullshit and drama. I definitely wouldn't allow my children to be made miserable due to her.

Hi there. You make a really good point and yes he has. He says he’s really sorry for what he allowed and acknowledges that he should have handled things very differently.. and he says it would be different now. I’m not sure if I can deal with the drama either anymore and I need to put my kids first. I’m at crossroads.

@Brakebackcyclebot

HI OP. I'm so sorry you are dealing with this. One line of your OP stuck out to me - how can I resolve this so that I consider the impact on everyone?

OP you can't fix or resolve this for everyone. You really can't.

I don't want to out myself, but we have been through something similar (although not for so long). The turning point fir us was when I insisted that we see a family therapist, who could help us all. He saw our children, me & DH, and my ex and his wife, and we also had family meetings run by the therapist. It meant there was safe space for everyone to speak, everyone was heard, and although it was an expense, it was worth every bloody penny.

You need to find a good one though.

If you would like to PM me, I can recommend the therapist I found as he was truly superb.

Thank you for your response and your honesty. I just wish I had a magic wand. I really do. I don’t hate my SD at all. I want us to all get along but it’s not really working right now. If we could work out a way like you suggest where everyone gets heard it might be a step in the right direction but I know the ex won’t agree.. doesn’t mean we couldn’t though do this with SD.. and yes you do need the right therapist for this. If this seems like a realistic possibility I may pm for recommendation.

@MotherofTerriers

OP you can't fix this. And you need to take care of yourself, your new baby and your children. I can only see two solutions, either a very slow reintroduction of your SD, so that she can get to know your children again and their feelings are respected, and you can take things at a pace which works for you at this stage of your pregnancy. Or your DH moves out and rents a flat nearby to live in with your SD.

Thank you for your comments and also your honesty. I’m so scared of making the wrong decision in all this. Either outcome seems to be at our expense. My DC suffer either way. Feels so unfair.

OP please dont agree to this, imagine your DC being terrified of an accusation against them that they have to worry about what room to go into. Your DC are important too, what happens if the next allegation is against them?

Your DH needs to put his foot down, but he needs to stay somewhere else with her with him helping you as much as you need. Youre about to have a baby, please take care of yourself physically and mentally. Please put yourself and your DC first. You are not responsible for your DSD. She can be introduced back into the family slowly and once you have recovered from the birth. Good luck

@MellowBird85

You simply cannot apply the "if they were still together" logic as soon as the mum wants to change the goalposts because her chickens are coming home to roost and the situation she and the grandparents helped to engineer is blowing up in their face.

^Yep. And another vote for @MrsAmaretto post - summed it up perfectly.

No chance I’d be allowing her to waltz back in after the carnage she’s caused. No chance. It’s a valuable lesson for her to see how actions have consequences and she can’t run from one parent to the other when things don’t go her way.

Hi. Thank you for your time and comments. I just wish she would acknowledge the upset she caused and that would be a start! She doesn’t seem to know responsibility or consequences and when anyone has tried to enforce them she acts out or becomes so depressed and threatens to hurt herself so those around her haven’t followed these things through.

@AllsortsofAwkward

Shes still his child and kids lie she was 12, I dont understand why you would have another child into the mix when the relationship was fractured with his dd, how is the relationship with his ds. 5 kids is alot to deal with adding in step siblings and half siblings. It sounds like she's has some issues that just haven't been addressed.

Yes she is his child and always will be... yes she was 12 when this final straw happened but if you saw my other comments you would see she still lies now. For the record my DH has a wonderful relationship with our DS and also both my children from previous. Our household is actually a very stable and happy one without the drama outside of it.

I was going to ignore your comment about why would I bring a child into the world whilst his relationship with his dd is fractured but I can’t. How ridiculous! So I can’t have a baby now with my husband because his relationship with his DD is difficult. Maybe I should have just had an abortion then! Seriously!... don’t comment so judgementally on things you don’t have enough info or facts on. I came here to ask for support and advice. My circumstances around my pregnancy are really not the issue here!

@DeRigueurMortis

Hi OP,

I agree with PP's she can't come back.

It's the worst possible timing and given the circumstances in accusing her mother and SD it's clear she hasn't changed her behaviour.

I understand your DH being upset but he's also got a duty to everyone else in the home as well as his DD.

This is a problem he and his ex need to resolve, ideally through mediation.

DSD seems to thrive on playing off the adults around her against each other which is easy when they don't communicate.

The first step is to address that rather than burden you with a child that's accused you of emotional abuse and upset your children and could potentially put your career at risk.

In short the parents need to parent and given their past behaviour I'd suggest the GP's need to up their game too.

It seems everyone was quick to blame you 3 years ago but now when they are exhausted/frustrated by her behaviour you're expected to pick up the pieces. No.

Your DSD needs to learn that lies and allegations don't get you what you want. If your DH gives in now he teaching her that this works.

That's bad parenting.

Good luck, hold firm and don't feel guilty.

You've a moral obligation to protect your children and yourself and that's nothing to feel guilty about.

Hi there, thank you for taking the time to write this. I agree with everything you have said. It’s been so reassuring to have this affirmed and to be told it’s understandable and acceptable. I do feel that I’m being set up by the ex to be in the firing line to be honest. As now after 3 years of zero contact they want me to ‘pick up the pieces’ like you say and then what... I can then be held responsible and blamed if she continues to behave the way she is because her mum couldn’t possibly have done anything wrong! 🙄

@Chezacheza

Have you told him no OP?

Not yet.. I have just said she first needed to apologise and we are at loggerheads already as he can’t guarantee that she will.

OP you sound so lovely. You are right the timing is really lousy.
I think Young's e to out yourself first and your two young babies. Your DH can support his DD and for now she needs to stay with her mum. The process of reintroducing her to your family needs to be done slowly, considering everyone's needs and emotions whilst ensuring honesty at all times.

Xxxxx

@Reluctantcavedweller

You are in a really difficult position. Your DH and DSD mum have essentially failed their daughter; they've allowed her to get away with being manipulative and unpleasant, haven't provided sufficient boundaries and, to be honest, have failed to provide enough love and security for her. They are each equally responsible for these failures and are seeing the results in her challenging behaviour.

The problem you have is that, if DSD mum washes her hands of DSD, your husband has no option but to take her (unless the GPs will, and it sounds like they can't cope). If one parent fails a child, unfortunately the other parent has to step into the breach.

If that happens, based on what you've described, I would see no other option but for either me or DH to move out if I were in your position. You are not responsible in any way for DSD but I can see both your DH and DSD mum lining up to dump the responsibility onto you, both practical and emotional. You will be the one left doing the extra chores and cleaning up from having another teen in the house and navigating the emotional and behavioural issues resulting from her interactions with your DC. Tbh, it doesn't sound as if you will even be able to leave her alone with the little one or the new baby - you will have to monitor them at all times. All this while being cast as the "villain" or enemy and not being given the authority of a parent! I couldn't do it...You don't sound like you have the energy to do it.

So you have a tough choice to make . Ultimately, if she does move it, your DH needs to step up in a big way (and actually be a parent). You should make it absolutely clear that he needs to come down like a tonne of bricks on any bad behaviour on her part or it will be the end of your relationship.

Thankyou for your response and your empathy. Means a lot. I agree with what you have said. I do have a decision to make. I’m just very sad that either outcome means I and my DC will suffer. Seems very unfair after 10 years... I guess I need to really put some boundaries in myself with DH if I’m going to give this a shot hey.

@Azerothi

People on this thread have said things so much more eloquently than I ever could but if you do let her move in you need to be very careful of her around your younger children/newborn. It wouldn't take much for the lies about you OP to come out again and for social services to be involved this time. Your younger children only have you it seems like to protect them from her.

At 12 she did know right from wrong and must have had a grasp of consequences. Is it a coincidence that she is being foisted on you weeks before you're due to give birth I wonder?

Hi there, thank you for your response. Yes I’m very anxious about this thought. I don’t think she realises the damage such lies can do.. or she doesn’t care? She never had much empathy before as long as she got what she wanted. I worry moving forward that further lies might be how she might get mums attention again? And what then?

Yes I don’t think it’s a coincidence this is happening now after 3 years of nothing. There was a huge drama when I had my DS too 6 years ago. Again on his 2nd birthday and also my birthday just gone SD was sending texts to my DH all day about how she absolutely had to speak to him about something urgent and she was depressed but then wouldn’t answer her phone and sent him cryptic messages all day. It’s like the attention can’t be on anyone else.
I felt a bit robbed in my last pregnancy as she was the focus then because of her issues and the drama... and it feels a bit like the same is happening. I feel very sad about this.

@Dillydallyingthrough

OP please dont agree to this, imagine your DC being terrified of an accusation against them that they have to worry about what room to go into. Your DC are important too, what happens if the next allegation is against them?

Your DH needs to put his foot down, but he needs to stay somewhere else with her with him helping you as much as you need. Youre about to have a baby, please take care of yourself physically and mentally. Please put yourself and your DC first. You are not responsible for your DSD. She can be introduced back into the family slowly and once you have recovered from the birth. Good luck

Thank you for your post. I’m now having a cry. I really don’t want to lose my husband or raise 4 children on my own.. the children adore him. This feels so unfair. I feel so angry that we have to suffer because of it. If someone had told me this is how things would be 10 years down the line at the beginning I just wouldn’t do it. I love my husband but the pain and upset for me and my DC.. it’s not okay. I think if I say no though then he will resent me as he so desperately wants her back in our lives and now shes saying she’s depressed he has to do more. He wouldn’t (nor should he) abandon her. The last 3 years have been heart breaking for him. I get that. Also if I say no it gives his ex and DD ammunition against me and will say it’s because I never liked her and that I’m a vile human being. I feel bullied. Sounds silly but that’s how I feel right now.

@whattodo2019

OP you sound so lovely. You are right the timing is really lousy. I think Young's e to out yourself first and your two young babies. Your DH can support his DD and for now she needs to stay with her mum. The process of reintroducing her to your family needs to be done slowly, considering everyone's needs and emotions whilst ensuring honesty at all times.

Xxxxx

Hi there, That’s really lovely of you to say. Thank you. I was genuinely half expecting a barrage of abuse about how could I be so selfish. It feels now that on the contrary I am not being selfish enough. DH has had ex text today saying she needs to come back to our house by next week and I don’t know what to say to this. I feel incredibly pressured. I know I need to find the strength to just say no, this is actually going to be on our terms and this is how it’s going to be... it’s just really hard as it’s not something I’ve had the balls to do before and it’s at a time when I feel a bit low on resources within myself. Thank you so much for your post x

Hi OP... just read the full thread and I am really, really angry with your DH for saying that he think you will be good for his DD. That is totally manipulative of him. (Trying to get his own way...) Especially when there is no expectation that this girl is going to acknowledge any damage done or that she is going to (possibly) be moving into YOUR house or abiding by YOUR rules. If that isn’t happening, how the actual fuck is anything going to be different?

Do you know what I think would be good? If you and her step-father could get together and compare notes. I bet you both have a lot to say about this kid and her relationship-splitting behaviour. You and he need to BOTH define stronger boundaries with your spouses and this poor kid so that she is no longer driving the bus. (And everyone needs to stop listening to the bloody grandparents!)

I agree with a lot of the other comments, just one thing I want to add - although I completely understand how you feel about wanting her to apologise I don't think she is old enough or mature enough to do so in any sort of genuine way. I think by you insisting on that as a 'condition' of her coming back it does make you seem a little unreasonable and detracts from the other very valid and important concerns you have (including the impact on your older DC if she was to lie again - eg if she was to claim your eldest DS had sexually abused her).

Perhaps a better approach would be for you to all agree that what is in the past is in the past and agree boundaries/rules for going forward. For this to work all of you (your DH, you and DSD) have to stick to that and not keep bringing up issues that happened years ago but focus on how it will be now with appropriate warnings to DSD about what will happen if she tells lies now and then if she does implement those consequences.

It sounds as if your DSD is really struggling emotionally/mentally and her mother is not dealing with it properly, she clearly needs professional help and I also agree that family therapy/mediation would be hugely helpful if family members will agree to it.

I have taught teens like your SD. Everything is a drama and the lies...in a school situation we would be very careful notto be on our own with this type of very vulnerable, damaged and troubled teen. The capacity for allegations, etc is huge so therefore pastoral, academic, support all has to be done two to one. Fortunately there are few that require this level but the thought of having this in your house...no...just no. She needs a phased, very gradual return, with very set boundaries that her father must stick to. Is it likely that her need to move to yours might subside once school starts again and she has lots more dramas to contend with. Your husband and his ex need to agree that their daughter is sadly very damaged. In my experience this comes about when there are inconsistencies matched with a particular personality type. She needs help and support, possibly from outside agencies and this takes a huge amount of work. I think your oldest two will feel really pissed off at her and she's not someone you could leave alone with the youngest. You have to safeguard the majority here while also trying to safeguard her too.

OP, I know what I would do.
You need to explain to your DH that of course it is important he reconnects to his daughter, however if you as a family considering moving her permanently with you, you must all be sure the atmosphere in the house will be good for everyone. You are about to have a baby and having regular conflicts and unpleasantness will do a lot of harm for everyone involved.
As a prerequisite to her moving in you husband should talk to his daughter privately, find out how she feels about you. If she is still unhappy/angry etc then he should explain to her she can't live with him as it is your home too.
If she doesn't feel angry with you anymore he must explain that is absolutely crucial she apologise for the lies. Doesn't need to be public, just to you

I honestly don’t think her father has it in him to stick to the level of parenting and consistent boundary-setting that this kid is going to need. He has already shifted responsibility to his current wife with the “I think you would be good for her” comment. It implies that she will be doing it all (again) and no doubt being in the same no-win situation. She is powerless.

I agree with justilou.

Your husband chose to have this new baby too and he’s already in the process of trying to throw your 2, your shared son and the baby, plus you his wife, under the bus. If he was willing or able to create and maintain decent boundaries and expectations of his DD’s behaviour you wouldn’t have ended up here.

Did they have a court ordered or otherwise official contact arrangement? If so issues like her having a phone as a condition of coming to you when she was 8 shouldn’t have been such an issue. I know toxic parents will ignore contact schedules and when you’re up against an angry bitter or controlling ex life is very difficult, but he gave away his power and you’ve all suffered since because of it. You know you can’t trust him.

I can only conclude that either she has never believed her Dd and it suited her to make your lives as inconvenient as possible or she doesn’t care about her dd

Agree with this, has your DH said this to his ex? I would.

I am honestly not sure I could stay in a relationship where I was blamed for my partner's (and his exes) shit parenting and made out to be the wicked witch by both my husband and his parents etc...

I fear anything you say or suggest, unless its 'of course dear, I'll get her bed made up ready for tomorrow, don't worry about the shit she and her mother have put us through for the last 3 years, it's fine', no matter how reasonable or beneficial for the other children in this scenario, is going to be met by accusations of being the evil step mother wanting to ruin his relationship with his DD.

She needs to own up to her lies. Your husband needs to actually parent his child. It's appalling that it's been left to go on for so long.

And I don't care what people say, 15 is well old enough to understand that you don't lie and you apologise if you have been unkind to someone. This is what her parents should be teaching her, that is their job.

I really second the family mediation too, ask your husband if he will look into that.

If nothing changes and he just moves her in and expects you to be fine and forget, I'd have to leave in all honesty. Your husband can be a good parent without throwing his wife under the bus at the same time. He can still be a Dad to his daughter whilst sticking up for you if he really doesn't believe the lies she told. There's no way my Dad would have stood by whilst I treated his wife like shit and the rest of his family did too because of lies I'd told when I wasn't a small child, who knew better. He'd still be my dad, he'd still love me, but his position in this scenario would be made clear to me and I'd be expected to own up.

She's nearly 16 for goodness sake, she isn't a little baby.

Hi @Mummafee What a really sad and difficult situation for every single person involved with no right answer. I agree you do have to stand up for yourself and your own mental health now.

You sound as if you are quite understandably focusing on what happened in the past. You want dsd and her mum to admit and accept their lies and bad behaviour. This seems quite a pointless exercise because A) you can't change the past so what they say now doesn't undo anything; B) everybody's point of view is different so from DSD's distorted and depressed teenage POV you probably did emotionally abuse her merely by existing and having dcs with her dad and C) It would be a highly unusual and mature 15 year old who looks back at childhood mistakes and accepts and apologises for them. Realistically most troubled young people won't get to that level of maturity until their mid twenties - if ever. So let that lie, lie. Perhaps one day she will be self-aware enough to apologise to you. If she does it of her own accord it would be worth so much more. At the moment your mental health is equally as important as hers and if you need dh to move out with dsd in order to protect yourself then you need him to know that.

What you can do is focus on making it better for you and her WITH your dh. You all have a shared goal of being in a better relationship with each other together as a family. Your dh is getting defensive because he thinks he's hearing 'no' from you as soon as you try to say it's not the right time. So turn it round to him being the solution-finder. Tell him that you would like to get to a situation when dsd is able to visit and stay with the family sometimes but that clearly can't happen until the relationship between you all is better, so how does he plan to help build it to that point? Would he like to arrange a met up with dsd next weekend with just him first? Move that on to meeting together with you? Then perhaps visiting to meet the new baby. If all goes calmly then you can start talking about her staying over. If she needs to move out from her mum's then he can help find a short term alternative (grandparents of friends?) as it's not workable for her to come to you yet.

Good luck, OP.

OP I've just read your updates and I feel so angry on your behalf.

Your DH has had 3 years to address his DD's behaviour and lies.

The idea that she can simply demand to to waltz back into your home full time is simply ridiculous, especially in the current circumstances.

You say you feel bullied - put bluntly that's because your DH/Ex/DSD are bullying you.

Your DH doesn't have the right to make a unilateral decision on this after 3 years of pandering to his child's lies and demands any more than your DSD and her mother has a right to demand she lives with you after supporting 3 years of deception and emotional manipulation (frankly who the hell dies she think she is saying DSD has to move in by next week).

You're not saying she can't ever live with you but what is totally reasonable is that needs to be a managed process over a period of time and at the right time (ie after the baby is born and you have had time to focus on bonding/routines and the other children are settled with this new arrival before introducing another - that's a good 6 months at least).

During that time she could come for afternoon visits (but not sleep over) and ideally it could also be used for family therapy.

Depending on how that goes a decision could then be made.

Just a thought- is it worth speaking to your midwife. You say you have a history of PND and are already suffering now. Could your midwife intercede with your DH and make clear that in your current condition you are absolutely without the mental resources to deal with this issue?

No don’t let her move back in ,she’s determined to reck the family ,clearly.
I was in her situation,both parents divorced and remarried with new children,yes it’s a difficult situation,but at 12 and 15 I knew what I was doing.
I think if you let her back in she will destroy your family.
By all means let your dh take her out for visits ,
But yes I think I would end the relationship rather than have her move back in ,upsetting your resident children.

Ex does not get to dictate...
Your dh needs to support you not his ex..
Maybe ask him to get written confirmation that she doesn't believe any abuse of any sort occurred at your home..