Advice needed - Step Parenting - feels like make or break. :(

[Mummafee]

I have been with husband 10 years and married 8. I have 2 children from previous (now 16f and 14m) and he has 1 (15f). We now have one together (6m) and I’m due a baby in 6 weeks...
My SD has always been really difficult towards me but I always tried harder and treated her with more love because I understood why she behaved the way she did. However over the years it got worse and she started to tell lies about me and also my children but still we continued to welcome her as again whilst it hurt I understood. However 3 years ago after an upset over something silly she went home to her mum and said I emotionally abused her. Complete nonsense and my husband was in the room at the time so backed me up that I never said what she said. However her mum loves the drama, hates me and said she was never coming to our house again..
So for the last 3 years my husband has met up with his daughter and taken her shopping, out for meals, cinema trips e.t.c on his own. She has had no contact with my kids or her half brother. During this time she has treated my husband horrendously and he has been in bits over it.

Anyway I said to my husband right at the start that now enough was enough and to put this right she needed to tell the truth about what happened. It’s not fair that her mother and his parents (who don’t speak to us anymore mainly because of all this) have believed these lies. However as she hasn’t wanted to come back this hasn’t been addressed.

Now though she wants to come back to our house (she’s not getting on with mum, she says dubious things to my husband about how she is treated by her step dad and mum (I imagine are lies) and she’s acting out and depressed.

However right I’m suffering from prenatal depression (not wanting to admit this here but it’s important to note), I’m 6 weeks of having a baby, I can hardly walk due to pregnancy, my youngest son doesn’t know who she is anymore, my two oldest don’t want her here (as she’s been so unkind in the past and has caused so much upset)...

But she wants to come back and her mum now says she can’t cope with her anymore so she has to come to us... like right now!

It’s been 3 years and the timing is crap. I’m really upset as I desperately do want things to be ok and to be a happy merged family but she’s caused nothing but upset and drama and I don’t want me or my kids around it right now. It seems whenever something important is happening she kicks off somehow...
but my husband is heart broken... how can I resolve this so that I consider the impact on everyone... I find it mind boggling that her and her mum think after all this she can just waltz back in to our home with the red carpet treatment and with excited faces waiting for her?? But then that’s her life.. she’s been a bit of a spoilt princess and doesn’t know consequences.
she also still hasn’t admitted she lied about what happened to her mum or her grandparents and she won’t now (and apparently I’m pathetic for even asking) so I feel the last 3 years of what we’ve been through and teaching her about boundaries and consequences is pointless.
All my children are well balanced lovely kids and I’m concerned the impact of having her around will cause them.
I’m also just holding myself together and I’m feeling very anxious about it all. I just want to focus on having and adjusting to having my baby and my kids adapting to this big change...
but instead she has once again made it about her. It’s hard not to feel angry. My husband I can tell is resentful towards me right now for not just bowing down like I have always in the past... or somehow magically making it all better (again like I normally do) but right now I just don’t feel I can.
It makes me wonder if it’s best to end my marriage to be honest... I thought this would get easier as she got older... part of me just thinks if I leave my husband I don’t have to put up with this ridiculous situation and the anxiety around it and nor do my children, My SD gets what she wants (her dad to herself) and my husband can have his daughter back in his life full time of he likes. But I love him and I know he loves me and doesn’t want to break up our family. I just can’t cope with it anymore. It’s been 10 years and I’m broken.
If your still with me here thank you. I really need support and advice. X

@ElvisPawsley

I can only conclude that either she has never believed her Dd and it suited her to make your lives as inconvenient as possible or she doesn’t care about her dd

Agree with this, has your DH said this to his ex? I would.

I am honestly not sure I could stay in a relationship where I was blamed for my partner's (and his exes) shit parenting and made out to be the wicked witch by both my husband and his parents etc...

I fear anything you say or suggest, unless its 'of course dear, I'll get her bed made up ready for tomorrow, don't worry about the shit she and her mother have put us through for the last 3 years, it's fine', no matter how reasonable or beneficial for the other children in this scenario, is going to be met by accusations of being the evil step mother wanting to ruin his relationship with his DD.

She needs to own up to her lies. Your husband needs to actually parent his child. It's appalling that it's been left to go on for so long.

And I don't care what people say, 15 is well old enough to understand that you don't lie and you apologise if you have been unkind to someone. This is what her parents should be teaching her, that is their job.

I really second the family mediation too, ask your husband if he will look into that.

If nothing changes and he just moves her in and expects you to be fine and forget, I'd have to leave in all honesty. Your husband can be a good parent without throwing his wife under the bus at the same time. He can still be a Dad to his daughter whilst sticking up for you if he really doesn't believe the lies she told. There's no way my Dad would have stood by whilst I treated his wife like shit and the rest of his family did too because of lies I'd told when I wasn't a small child, who knew better. He'd still be my dad, he'd still love me, but his position in this scenario would be made clear to me and I'd be expected to own up.

She's nearly 16 for goodness sake, she isn't a little baby.

Hello, thanks for your response... I honestly think ex loves a drama and she also has an entitled, victim mentality which sadly SD has developed too. I also think at the time it would mean she could apply for more CSA as we would no longer be having her (which she did of course)

I also think she is old enough to take responsibility and know when to apologise. I know I’ve been told I shouldn’t compare but my older DS or DD would never behave like this but then I, her dad and her SM would never allow such a situation to arise anyway.

I think your right that he can still be a good supportive dad whilst also being united with me. It can’t be a case of me versus SD.
And he doesn’t believe any of the lies she said. Luckily he has been in the room at the time of when she has said such nonsense took place.

Op, make this your hill to die on. It is completely unacceptable for you and your children to be expected to live with her. I'm so sorry that your husband and his ex have put you in this position.

There's absolutely no way this will ever work without this child having serious therapy and strong boundaries- and her parents refuse to do either of those.

I honestly think you need to prepare yourself for a separation if your husband won't listen to your entirely sensible suggestions to make this work for all of you.

There's already one damaged child here. Don't let him and his ex make it 5.

You need to get outside help involved. Professionals who can look at this situation from the outside and make it clear to your husband that this isn't a good idea. Please contact your midwife, and a therapist if you have the available funds. Talk to the therapist yourself and they can help you though this. Call them today.

Please take care of yourself. You are under enormous stress right now, and your well-being fucking matters. Stand up for yourself and your children.

Just to point out - if she makes another false accusation against you - you will have at least one year of social services involvement.
The positive side of that is that it would flag up how neglected she is by both her parents........the downside is that your new baby and your kids and you - as a parent - will be scrutinised to the last minutiae....

Who will social services expect to move out of the family home if a child makes an allegation of abuse - the adult or child?
Do you have somewhere to go with a young baby if that happens?
Does/will he be able to look after your children seeing as he's incapable of looking after his own?

Also, from a practical standpoint. How e hell does your husband think this is going to work logistically. You and your children can't/ don't need to be around her. There's too much risk of her damaging the family even more with her lies. So are you and the kids going to live in part of the house permanently and your stepdaughter going to live in another part, with your husband going between the 2? That's insane.

I think your best tactic is not to keep talking about the lie - that's too easy to get around. You need to instead open this up as a wider/safeguarding issue.

Firstly you have a newborn. The logistics of this are impossible and you dont know how she will be. very very jealous snd angry watching dad with the new arrival understandably. So does he neglect his little baby and you because that's what she needs? Your MH wont survive that.

Then there's your small child. How does he fit in? He's too little and doesn't know her and what if she's mean to him? You can't possibly watch them all the time.

Your kids won't be her friend. That will hurt her a lot (don't tell anyone but DH that and ensure he keeps his big mouth shut). They are teens and you can't make them hang out with her. She will be a lot less stable being rejected daily.

Then there's you having to pick up the mothering of a child that hates you. Point out to him that she doesn't want you. She wants him! That they need one to one time and that him and ex need to go to family therapy with her.

If you just stick to the lying they will bulldoze past that. All kids lie, that was three years ago etc etc. You have very good reasons why this is a disaster so use those first.

Agreed @Vodkacranberryplease. If you focus on the lie, you will be labeled as petty and mean to the SD.

You focus on logistics when discussing this with your husband. How the hell will this work? She hates you, your kids don't want to be around her, she's jealous of your joint kids, she has no boundaries, etc. How will you all live together when your kids can't be alone with her? What about when he is at work? How are you supposed to help parent her when she hates you and has no respect for you? How is this going to work with a new baby? What if she lies again and social services get involved or you lose your job? What will we do when she is upset that my teens don't want to be around her because of her past behavior? How is she supposed to integrate back into the family after 3 years of no contact? What role will ex wife be playing in the decision making of day to day life for SD? How will SD get to school and other activities?

Focus on the logistics, OP. Show him how damn impossible this really is. I know you are hurt about the lie, and I would be too. But don't focus on that when discussing this with your husband. Instead, make him give you concrete answers about how the hell he plans to make this work. This is his daughter, and his responsibility.

I've just read your thread. There's no way I would have her living with you until her and her mum listened to your concerns.

Why should you put yourself in the firing line for her accusations? What about protecting your kids from her nastiness too?

It's not fair to them to have to live with a step sister who accused their mum of emotionally abusing her and was awful to them.

Your DH was present when the alleged incident happened and his ex still didn't believe him.

That means he hasn't had the guts to even talk to her about it over the last 3 years. You can't have a parent scared to talk to their child and ignore the issues....it's disastrous.

You have every right to feel as you do and until and unless she speaks the truth.. this won't work.

In reference to the original incident...is there any chance she misunderstood a response from you and her mum labelled it abuse? Or did the incident just never happen as she described it?

Have not Rrtt but because of the Covid bubbles and you are in the high risk group being pregnant, I would advise not to allow into your home currently, so speak to your Midwife and get this documented so your husband will understand why she can't stay.

@Fredfrench62

I think too should give it another go.

Her actions have been terrible. Awful. But shes still a child. How would you feel if it was your daughter who has behaved like it and now her birth dad didn't want her. And your now husband wouldn't have her back either?

You have every right to be fuming though.

Perhaps you could hold a family meeting. But with no expectation that she'll apologise - because she won't. Explaining how you all feel about what happened. That you are all ready to move forward. That you cant wait to have her back. Here are the house rules and boindries. Try and kill her anger with love. Get her doing loads of helping put getting ready for the baby. So feels part of a family unit. Because she clearly isn't in one at her mum.

I agree with this post.

This child is very likely never going to admit they were lying about what you did/said OP. You could keep bringing it up or you could all try and fix things now.

Be very very clear about your expectations when she's in your home of course but I do feel very strongly that she needs to be made welcome. Don't punish this child forever because this will only reinforce any feelings of rejection and loss she has.

Be that positive influence in her life because it seems her mother isn't able to do that.
If her mother is hostile towards you both then she may well have felt that she needed to join in with this when with her and to feel wanted and accepted by her. It's really common. I'm not excusing what she has said or done but she was/is a child.

I do feel that this child has been failed.
I'm not going to pretend I know exactly what's going on for this child but she's clearly struggling. If she's acting out, making accusations and alienating her loved ones, that's a big worry for me. Why is she doing this, what need is not being met?

I'm not underestimating the impact this has all had on your family and suggesting this will all be easy but please don't shut her out. Your husband needs to find a way to make this work.

The fact that grown adults can’t put their differences aside for the sake of a kid is a huge issue. (Her parents, not you, OP.) You are about to have a baby and have kids of your own that sound like they’re pretty well-adjusted, and you are able to communicate reasonably well with your ex and his wife for their benefit. That is being an adult. This girl is learning her manipulative, temper-throwing, communication and resolution-averse pattern of behaviours from BOTH parents, not just her mum. I suspect the step father’s rant was reacting to bullshit spread on thickly by mum and SD and at the time he believed it all.
Under lockdown, he probably has a MUCH clearer picture of the family dynamics he has bought into. Think about it - if he didn’t, why would he be so keen for his DSD to be sent to your house? I bet he can see how she plays both sides of the line to suit her agenda.
BUT - she IS a kid an and she is hurting. She DOES need help, and urgently. Is it YOUR responsibility? NO WAY!!! It is the job of BOTH of her parents to work together to achieve this. To do so, they have to get over themselves, suck up their pride, let their own shit go, shut the fuck up about it and put her first for once. They BOTH need to be consistent with access, saying NO to her, calling her on her lies, and doing the ugly, hard parenting bits like following through with enforcing consequences for bad behaviour. Otherwise when she hits the real world, she’s not going to understand why it doesn’t work that way for her.

@Haffdonga

Hi *@Mummafee* What a really sad and difficult situation for every single person involved with no right answer. I agree you do have to stand up for yourself and your own mental health now.

You sound as if you are quite understandably focusing on what happened in the past. You want dsd and her mum to admit and accept their lies and bad behaviour. This seems quite a pointless exercise because A) you can't change the past so what they say now doesn't undo anything; B) everybody's point of view is different so from DSD's distorted and depressed teenage POV you probably did emotionally abuse her merely by existing and having dcs with her dad and C) It would be a highly unusual and mature 15 year old who looks back at childhood mistakes and accepts and apologises for them. Realistically most troubled young people won't get to that level of maturity until their mid twenties - if ever. So let that lie, lie. Perhaps one day she will be self-aware enough to apologise to you. If she does it of her own accord it would be worth so much more. At the moment your mental health is equally as important as hers and if you need dh to move out with dsd in order to protect yourself then you need him to know that.

What you can do is focus on making it better for you and her WITH your dh. You all have a shared goal of being in a better relationship with each other together as a family. Your dh is getting defensive because he thinks he's hearing 'no' from you as soon as you try to say it's not the right time. So turn it round to him being the solution-finder. Tell him that you would like to get to a situation when dsd is able to visit and stay with the family sometimes but that clearly can't happen until the relationship between you all is better, so how does he plan to help build it to that point? Would he like to arrange a met up with dsd next weekend with just him first? Move that on to meeting together with you? Then perhaps visiting to meet the new baby. If all goes calmly then you can start talking about her staying over. If she needs to move out from her mum's then he can help find a short term alternative (grandparents of friends?) as it's not workable for her to come to you yet.

Good luck, OP.

Hello. Thank you for acknowledging how difficult this is for everyone concerned and bringing awareness that everyone involved will have a very different POV depending on who they are here... I guess I just want to feel like my name is cleared and some justice for me and my DC that the lies she said wasn’t true. And also to prove a point to those that believed her and have made our lives so difficult. It almost feels without that out in the open to all involved I’m almost saying it was true and I’ve let her get away with it... again. But your right I may not get that for a very long time so focusing on moving forward and building bridges slowly is the way to go. I’m just worried of the wrath I might get for not doing exactly what they say... but then maybe that is showing them that there are consequences and that I won’t be pushed around anymore... Thank you for the luck!

@DeRigueurMortis

OP I've just read your updates and I feel so angry on your behalf.

Your DH has had 3 years to address his DD's behaviour and lies.

The idea that she can simply demand to to waltz back into your home full time is simply ridiculous, especially in the current circumstances.

You say you feel bullied - put bluntly that's because your DH/Ex/DSD are bullying you.

Your DH doesn't have the right to make a unilateral decision on this after 3 years of pandering to his child's lies and demands any more than your DSD and her mother has a right to demand she lives with you after supporting 3 years of deception and emotional manipulation (frankly who the hell dies she think she is saying DSD has to move in by next week).

You're not saying she can't ever live with you but what is totally reasonable is that needs to be a managed process over a period of time and at the right time (ie after the baby is born and you have had time to focus on bonding/routines and the other children are settled with this new arrival before introducing another - that's a good 6 months at least).

During that time she could come for afternoon visits (but not sleep over) and ideally it could also be used for family therapy.

Depending on how that goes a decision could then be made.

Just a thought- is it worth speaking to your midwife. You say you have a history of PND and are already suffering now. Could your midwife intercede with your DH and make clear that in your current condition you are absolutely without the mental resources to deal with this issue?

Hi again. Thank you for this. I feel more supported on here than I have done ever in this situation. 3 years is a long time...and whilst I have been very supportive and encouraging of my DH to continue to try and maintain a relationship with his DD I admit my heart would sink a bit each time he would go and then come home and this situation not change. I guess that would be something we would need to discuss is what would happen if this happens again? Her mother only cares about the impact on herself I think. Her perception is we’ve had 3 years off so is about time we stepped up and gave her a break. It’s twisted the truth but that what she is like. The story she will tell when I ask for a gradual approach will be ‘see, she hates my daughter. Always has. Poor me, poor DD. Not even allowed in her dads house when she’s depressed’ I can already hear it. However having the reality reflected back to me in this forum by so many has really helped me see that I do have a choice here and although neither is great or easy to be honest, I don’t have to be dictated to if I choose not to be and I need to somehow find a way to stand up to the bullies.

I have spoken to my midwife yes but her advice was meditation... I am meeting my HV next week so will talk to her too. I had PND in one previous pregnancy so it feels familiar. It’s not something I like to talk about but I have started to talk to my mum and a few friends to build up some support resources and as soon as baby arrives I will go on medication until I feel better.

@Pringlemonster

No don’t let her move back in ,she’s determined to reck the family ,clearly. I was in her situation,both parents divorced and remarried with new children,yes it’s a difficult situation,but at 12 and 15 I knew what I was doing. I think if you let her back in she will destroy your family. By all means let your dh take her out for visits , But yes I think I would end the relationship rather than have her move back in ,upsetting your resident children.

Hi there and thank you for sharing your younger experience. It’s a good insight. I think she knows what she is doing too. I’m thinking back to when I was her age too and yes it was hard (I was a split family too) but I knew what I was doing. Some people feel that she isn’t old enough to or that I can’t hold her responsible as a lot of this is her mums doing. When she was 8 I agree but not now surely...

@Issantagettingbusy

Ex does not get to dictate... Your dh needs to support you not his ex.. Maybe ask him to get written confirmation that she doesn't believe any abuse of any sort occurred at your home..

I know she shouldn’t and he should support me and the more I hear this through this thread I feel stronger to verbalise that. That’s a good idea... he has said to her that the past needs to be addressed though and she said ‘don’t be so bloody ridiculous, it was 3 years ago. You both need to just move on and get over it.’ Easy to say though when your not the one who’s been cut off and accused of mentally abusing someone though...

Hi there.
Your right that I need to get control back. I never was too good at standing up for myself in this situation as the consequences have always been not worth the hassle. This is different now though.
Thank you for reminding me about taking things one day at a time. I have been going over and over all outcomes my head and worked myself up into quite an anxious state. Step by step would be much better.

How can you move on and get over it when it's still affecting your relationship with people like your husband's parents.

It's not a small thing to be accused of abusing a child so much so that your husband's parents won't even speak to you over it.

I'd say it's quite clear that your SDs mum doesn't even believe her daughter, it just suited her at the time and now it doesn't.

Well sorry, it doesn't work like that. You don't get to falsely accuse someone of something like emotional abuse of a child, have it ruin their relationships with various people and then tell them to get over it.

You can move on when the truth is told, which your SD is perfectly old enough to do. Until then I wouldn't be getting over anything.

@Codexdivinchi

He never stuck up for you in all those years. Why is he going to start now?

He might not... and maybe that’s what I’m afraid of too. I don’t want to lose him. Without this situation our marriage is good and all relationships here are good too. I guess I’m hoping he will now as we have still continued to build a life together and we are about to have a 2nd baby. He has an awful lot to lose if he chooses to not make a stand for those living in our home. But maybe he won’t...

@DeRigueurMortis

Your DH is focusing on DSD at the expense of everyone else.

That's not acceptable.

However it might be useful in how to address this.

Ask him why he thinks it would be a good idea to move DSD into a household of people who she has refused to see for the last 3 years and are understandably wary of her?

Surely he wants her to be in an environment with people who are receptive and welcoming rather than wary strangers?

Like it or not, her actions and his in pandering to them by meeting outside the home have alienated her from everyone else in the family.

Those relationships need to be rebuilt slowly if trust is ever going regained.

Moving her in without doing so is likely to damage those relationships irreparably - is that what he wants?

Thank you for your points and honesty. I think she is expecting lots of attention and support in our household. She won’t get that right now here sadly. I wish we could but the damage is done and a baby is about to arrive. The timing of this I feel is not a coincidence. And I have said to him the fact that this has been dragged out so long when it could have been dealt with years ago is the main reason we are where we are and maybe he needs to explain that to DD...

@user1486915549

Something that strikes me is you fear that you can’t say no or it will mean ex can accuse you of not liking SD. It’s perfectly fine not to like her. She hates you. Someone suggested your husband asking SD now how she feels about you. She is adult enough to realise that moving into the house of someone she hates isn’t going to make her happy. I endured years of lies from SD. As an adult she had therapy and told her dad everything she had said against me was a lie. Too late for me of course. I was polite to her when she was with us , cared for her , bought things for her. But after years of her trouble making ( constantly insisting my DH divorce me ) I didn’t feel I had to like her

Wow, your amazing! That must have been exhausting. Any tips of how to endure the years of crap? I want to like her but your right that I don’t really have to right now. She’s bought me and my DC nothing really but upset and drama. It just makes me angry that the ex will twist this to make them the victims again! Further making me out to be a vile villain. I will ask him to talk to her about how she feels about me and also DC. I’m going to predict that she says she feels fine and can’t wait to hang out with them again. Shes acting like nothing has happened and doesn’t understand the problem at the moment.

Sorry you are having to deal with all of this op.

From your posts has DH actually parented his daughter over the past three years? I don't mean taking her out to the cinema or shopping or any other activity they do. I mean actually parented her in talking to her. Challenging poor behaviour like the WhatsApp messages? Does he know how she is getting on at school? Does he attend parents evenings? Does he know who her friends are? I mean it sounds like his relationship with her is basically a series of nice outings which quite frankly aren't parenting.

If he's not actually doing any of the grunt work of parenting her, then how can you trust him that he'll do it when she moves in?

So on one hand you are a vile villain to the ex and his parents. But she wants her daughter to live with you and you to be the main carer for her daughter??? Even though you emotionally abused this child??!

And you dh wants his d to live with you because you are such a great mum and have created such a wonderful environment but has allowed his parents to continue to think you emotionally abused his d?

And he has allowed his ex to continue to say you emotionally abused her too?

I'm sorry but you have a very big DH problem here. His ex knows perfectly well you didn't abuse her child. She knows that because she has had to put up with her for 3 years. So why is your dh allowing her to get away with this? Why does she get to paint you as the villain and yet without any irony at all expect you to step into the main parental role with her? Without any acknowledgement or even being fucking pleasant?

Because your not so D h allows her to. Your H thinks that you should just do what he and she wants. Probably because you are a very caring mum and a lovely person but a bit of a pushover. However your body is telling you, via your PND that this isn't right.

But that's ok. You just go on medication to cope with it all. He doesn't need to set the record straight with his parents and have them apologise, oh no. His ex wife doesn't need to treat you with respect even though she wants you to raise her fucking kid who she has found out is a nasty liar. No no why would he need to do that?

And of course it's ok for you to give birth and then invite this very unhappy, angry and destructive young woman into your house. What can possibly go wrong? After all you can just up your medication!

And of course you are such a lovely mum (in secret! Don't tell the ex wife or the parents that!) you can fix his kid. What's another teenager when you have two already! Plus a small child. And a newborn.

You are being used by him and treated appallingly. He sets the record straight and they all grovel or they can bugger off. IF this child is coming anywhere near your house it's not for AT LEAST six months after he, his ex, his parents and the child have a MAJOR attitude adjustment and acknowledge the harm they have caused to you, the lies that were told (not just by the child) and the vile way they have treated you. And yes that includes him because he let people think that. He let his parents think that.

Now he wants to use you as some sort of surrogate mum for the result of this shitstorm? Tell him six months cause of the baby. And tell him it's got to be earned, by all of them. This is your home, and your life. He doesn't own you and he doesn't get to rent you out like some kind of fucking nanny.

Sorry OP I hadn't clocked that even his parents were dragged into this and treating you like you are in the wrong. This IS your hill to die on. If his nasty ex wants you to parent her child she better learn some manners and every person involved especially him needs to acknowledge not just the girls lies (even if she doesn't. She's actually the least important one to admit it was a lie. Teenagers lie but adults should not treat their lies as fact) but the lies they spread. His ex said completely untrue and damaging things about you and your ex did nothing. It's disgusting.

Just tell him 6 months because of your MH and a newborn. And tell him the 6 months needs to include attitude adjustments from him and his family/ex. He needs to set the record straight.

Also he needs to parent. Any hobbies he has, any social life ends now. His spare time is spent parenting HIS children especially this girl. He doesn't get to so much as go to the pub now. His ex is angry at the wrong person, you. This is all his fault for wanting the women to do it all.

He doesn't own you and he doesn't get to rent you out like some kind of fucking nanny.

This. Too many step-mums are expected to take on the role of unpaid domestic slave by their DHs. To nanny, cook, clean, look after, give lifts, emotionally support, all while being abused and stripped of authority in their own homes. If this is the role your DH envisages for you while he swans off to work and leaves you to deal with all the shit at home, you need to put a stop to this pronto. It is unacceptable at all times, but especially so here where you will have four other children, including a very young one and a baby, to care for as well. You also need to think about what message it will give your own children if they see you being mistreated and worn down.

Also he needs to parent. Any hobbies he has, any social life ends now. His spare time is spent parenting HIS children especially this girl. He doesn't get to so much as go to the pub now. His ex is angry at the wrong person, you. This is all his fault for wanting the women to do it all. @Vodkacranberryplease Needs to be a life coach!!!
Yes to this!

And that's another good point! You don't even get to call the shots! All the responsibility but none of the power! If it goes wrong it's your fault but you don't have the ability to control it! Just no.