Childcare impacting my plans

[mummycanihaveadrink]

To keep it brief we (I) have my SD for the summer holidays, and I'm getting pretty sick of it. I've been invited on various things which I can't do because I have to look after her during the day. My DH is home in the evenings, to me it seems pointless for her to come. I had pencilled in a date to go away with friends for a few day's, this now can't go ahead as SD is not going home on the previously arranged day, now a week later. I'm just sick of it. It's tricky as my DH can't take the time off or we will have no income as he is SE but I feel contact arrangements should not impact my life. I feel like saying I won't have her in the next half term but that then means we won't see her until Xmas. Not sure the point of writing this just a rant really.

Also on a separate note, I have name changed for this post but is it possible to get my old username back after? Thanks

@SusanKennedyshouldLTB the dm moved away thus curtailing the dads access.

auroracecilia it was pre arranged with her SIL to have the children clearly. That’s the point. The SIL could have said no but she was fine with it because she was ASKED IN ADVANCE. The op is being backed in to a corner to say yes with no prior discussions or anything.
The op chose a day where her DP’s child wouldn’t normally be there so that childcare wouldn’t be an issue. And she arranged childcare for her own children. She’s perfectly entitled to go on this trip because she’s done everything she should have done to get childcare sorted. She is not responsible for her partner’s child.

the dm moved away thus curtailing the dads access he has a lot of access. He doesnt spend time with the child during the access time. He works and leaves childcare to his new wife. Why would that make a difference if they all lived closer?

@SusanKennedyshouldLTB regardless the time the op is being asked to have the child is the mothers time anyway. Have you read the thread?

@SusanKennedyshouldLTB - read the full thread. FYI it is often very difficult for self employed people to take time off during the week especially in times like these. The dm moving away stopped his eow access which I'm sure suited both him & his 9 year old a lot better.
In fact the dm does very well out of this - the school week is a doddle compared to occupying primary aged kids during long holidays & I'm saying that as a dm who lives in Ireland when primary holidays are 9 weeks & secondary holidays are 12 weeks!!!

Or option c) remain married but leave the parenting to the parents and prioritise your own kids and plans.

Still not seeing how the “you chose a man with kids” line is a stick to beat OP with but “you chose to have kids” seemingly means you can do whatever the fuck you like regardless.

I think option c is a bit of a painful one since then you’d have to witness the excellent parenting of both parents, without any interference from your side to mitigate the damage. B is probably the better option if you want to prioritise your own kids and plans.

I don’t think that at all. I even said that step-parents shouldn’t be responsible for step-children, under the assumption that the child has one or two good parents. Here both parents are useless. I think much worse of people who don’t have their own children’s best interests at heart, and just go around ruining innocent lives in the process. This doesn’t however negate the fact that OP chose her husband.

I’m self-employed, one of the biggest advantages is that you’re the master of your own time. Depending on your sector (but still), you can do whatever you’d like, fit everything in.

@Mischance

Why? Because OH cannot get out of work, the mother is just ditching the child without a thought for her emotional well-being, and it is just step-Mum left. Unless OH can find some way of being there, what is left? Find some child care facility that the poor child does not know and let her sink or swim?

None of it is ideal; but the priority has to be the emotional health of this unwanted child.

Her mother sounds like a piece of work.

But that’s just it. It’s OHs responsibility. not OPs! Why do you feel it’s her job to pick up the slack?

Childcare isn’t just a woman’s role

Indeed it isn't - but her OH remaining at work is also an asset to her and her children - they also need him to beaver away, picking up lost time and income since the virus. They are a team who have to work together to the benefit of all. He could of course stop working for that week and look after his DD - he is of course perfectly capable of that - gender is irrelevant. But that would be to the detriment of his family in these straightened times. He is between a rock and a hard place.

If he gives up work for a week and looks after his DD, then the whole family will suffer financially; if he continues to work, his wife will have to forfeit her break. Neither are ideal, but both send a message to the child that she is wanted and worth a sacrifice.

Only the couple can decide this between them.

In the meantime, OP has very reasonably expressed her entirely justified disgruntlement at the mother's behaviour that has put them in this awkward situation.

Does anyone here seriously disagree that the child's needs come first?

Has the father made any attempt to arrange an alternative? That would be my key questions. What has HE done to resolve the issue.

Does anyone here seriously disagree that the child's needs come first

Yes, as I (and others) have said many times, I disagree that the child's needs come first to anyone other than their parents.

If dad can't get the time off work mum is the backup. She would be taken back.

@aSofaNearYou I was going to say exactly the same. The child's need is for someone to look after her on certain days. It is the 2 parents' responsibility to meet that need, if neither of them can do it, then they will need to look to a friend / relative helping out IF they are available and willing (which includes the OP) or paid childcare. OP has no more responsibility to "put the child first" here than any other grandparent, aunty, uncle or friend of the family. It sounds like she already more than pulls her weight through the summer holidays, but on this occasion is unable to help BECAUSE SHE IS NOT THE PARENT OF THIS CHILD AND HAS PLANS. Back to the parents to resolve.

@Mischance

Indeed it isn't - but her OH remaining at work is also an asset to her and her children - they also need him to beaver away, picking up lost time and income since the virus. They are a team who have to work together to the benefit of all. He could of course stop working for that week and look after his DD - he is of course perfectly capable of that - gender is irrelevant. But that would be to the detriment of his family in these straightened times. He is between a rock and a hard place.

If he gives up work for a week and looks after his DD, then the whole family will suffer financially; if he continues to work, his wife will have to forfeit her break. Neither are ideal, but both send a message to the child that she is wanted and worth a sacrifice.

Only the couple can decide this between them.

In the meantime, OP has very reasonably expressed her entirely justified disgruntlement at the mother's behaviour that has put them in this awkward situation.

Does anyone here seriously disagree that the child's needs come first?

I don’t disagree that her OH being at work is wrong, just that he can sort the logistics on what to do with his child!! It’s not wife work!

The child’s needs should come first. To her father. OP has had the child all summer. Childs needs have come first with op for that time.

This is not all women’s work. You seem to be letting OH off the hook because “man makes the money” disregarding that OP also works AND does child care for their children

Why are you all arguing over a thread the @mummycanihaveadrink has not replied back to in days?

Why are you all arguing over a thread the @mummycanihaveadrink has not replied back to in days?

I think it’s because of the wider issue and that it isn’t just the op this happens to. The wider issue of stepmums being used as childcare and people having no respect for their time and life and plans. The wider issue that people think the children must come first always and that if the parents don’t put them first then the stepmum must martyr herself and do their job for them. People reading this might be able to relate with the op and that’s good because they need to know that that there are people out there who don’t they’re evil. These threads end up not just being about the op but support for others too.

They are not evil - they are just in a difficult situation.

Of course earning is not men's work exclusively - but it sounds as though in this instance there is a need for him to be at his work for the sake of the family finances.

Completely agree @funinthesun19

@Crumpets111

Why are you all arguing over a thread the @mummycanihaveadrink has not replied back to in days?

You know I was thinking the same about this and similar threads were the OP posts and runs.

I'm on another forum and when that happens, the Moderators just close the thread.

I just think it is important to make the point that the adults' squabbles should not result in the child being emotionally deprived. Which is what appears to be happening here.

Sticking to principles (e.g. it is not the job of a stepmother) leaves the child in limbo; and no doubt very much aware of being a thorn in everyone's side.

I have every sympathy with the OP being pissed off about it all and hope very much that some happy solution has been found.

@Mischance if the child's parents employer made one of them redundant, would you remind them that they shouldn't be depriving a child and that should be their priority? That's just one example but you're really not getting what anyone is saying.

It's not a petty principle that it isn't OPs responsibility, it's just reality. No adult "should" centre their lives around making sacrifices for a child that they had no part in creating. It is absolutely not the job of anyone other than the child's parents to put aside their "squabbles" (or in this case well deserved plans) for her sake. Simply saying over and over again "but her emotional needs" will not change that fact. Her emotional needs are her parents problem, not anybody else's.

How sad that people feel this way. I have worked with emotionally deprived children who are just pawns in the adult squabbles and the outcome is not pretty.

The child must come first - end of.

@Mischance
OP isn’t squabbling. She’s busy and unavailable on this occasion to look after a child who isn’t hers.
End of.

@Mischance agreed the child needs must be met but by her parents not op

The child must come first - end of.

Not to the OP though.
She’s an adult who isn’t the child’s parent and she has plans that she is looking forward to. She’s made childcare arrangements for her own children in advance like a good responsible parent. The stepchild isn’t coming first to her on this occasion.

The child’s parents must put their own child first, not expect other people to do it instead.

The child must come first - end of.

To their parents only - end of.

The fact that you are so incapable of grasping that children in general do not come before all else to adults who are not their parents is not painting you in a very intelligent light.

End of ... Jesus I hate that phrase.