Childcare impacting my plans

[mummycanihaveadrink]

To keep it brief we (I) have my SD for the summer holidays, and I'm getting pretty sick of it. I've been invited on various things which I can't do because I have to look after her during the day. My DH is home in the evenings, to me it seems pointless for her to come. I had pencilled in a date to go away with friends for a few day's, this now can't go ahead as SD is not going home on the previously arranged day, now a week later. I'm just sick of it. It's tricky as my DH can't take the time off or we will have no income as he is SE but I feel contact arrangements should not impact my life. I feel like saying I won't have her in the next half term but that then means we won't see her until Xmas. Not sure the point of writing this just a rant really.

Also on a separate note, I have name changed for this post but is it possible to get my old username back after? Thanks

You'll take your own children to these things you're invited to do but not your DSD? Why can't she attend with you and her half siblings?

Frankly though her dad needs to step up. He doesn't see her in term time at all, then works FT while she's there in the holidays? I feel rather sorry for her.

Bloody Hell!
Another of these posts!!!!
Op - if the arrangement is that your dh has his daughter for the holidays then he has three options.
A) he takes sufficient time off to mind her.
B) he sorts childcare.
C) you do childcare - but ONLY if it suits you as this child already has TWO parents.
If you genuinely don't mind doing majority childcare then the least your dh & his ex can do is provide cover for when you are heading off on your own. You are under NO obligation to provide childcare - you are doing it out of the goodness of your heart & the very least they could do is respect this.
And to all those grumbling at you

• it's not your role to 'want' this child. It's her parents' job to do this. You can be kind & loving in your own way but that does not have to include you 'making up' for the fact that her parents can't sort decent access arrangements for THEIR daughter.

Honestly this crap that sm's are supposed to fill in all the parenting gaps (physical, financial & emotional) just because they have the nerve to get with a man who has kids just infuriates me beyond belief .

Surely if he is working ' back to back jobs' he must be contributing more to the family income than your 'few hours a days work'
I feel sorry for the SD who is clearly not seen as part of the family unit.
You have young children...going away with friends for a few days...sil looking after yours. Covid - 19 clearly has not wiped you out financially if you can afford a break away?

@deFleury my kids won't come either I had arrangements in place

@crimsonlake I have my own money left over after I have contributed to my share of bills etc. We have separate finances outside of household expenses so I have the money to do this. My husband needs to complete his jobs to continue being able to put in his half of the bills

Honestly this crap that sm's are supposed to fill in all the parenting gaps (physical, financial & emotional) just because they have the nerve to get with a man who has kids just infuriates me beyond belief .

I’m more bewildered why anybody would think it to be a good idea to have a child with someone who hardly bothers with the one(s) he already has. You’re putting yourself in a situation where you potentially have to do the things above. Not because you’re a step-parent, I agree step-parents shouldn’t be responsible for stepchildren, but because you’re hopefully a decent enough being.

He used to have her every other weekend? Why did he move 4hrs away? Hopefully not to be with you unless you made it clear his daughter wasn't part of the new family. Couldn't you have stayed closer so he could maintain contact. If she's a burden then you need to tell him to cut contact or move somewhere where he can keep his contact going without you. If you don't tell him it'll only fester breeding more resentment. I suspect she already knows she's there on suference.

@Molteni I think it's very judgmental to presume this man isn't bothering with the one he has! It is his job to sort access & childcare for his child - not with op but rather with the mother of his child & there are many different ways of 'bothering' as a parent.
This man may 'have' to work to fully support his dd if is exw is not working.
The exw may have moved away (as seems indicated) & in doing so left herself doing majority childcare as eow was no longer feasible due to her actions. No two parental set ups are similar - in some cases both parents work, in some cases only one. We don't know who moved away or why in this case.
The main point is that whatever arrangements these parents make for their child should not be done on the assumption that a third party (in this case the op) will automatically fill in all gaps. That sort of entitlement shouldn't be expected of anyone - sms, sfs, gps etc. but for some reason it seems especially expected of sms who when they refuse are branded selfish by all & sundry.

@mummycanihaveadrink, ah, my apologies. I read it as you being a SAHM who didn't want to look after SD.

Not being able to gave child-free time away isn't on. However, would it have been different pre-Corona? If so, I'd say suck it up as he needs to work. If not, he needs to sort it.

He's not in a position to keep paying the same though. He has children to look after and doesn't have any viable child care. He's going to have to cut back.

PleasePassTheCoffeeThanks - "providing childcare" - is that all that she needs? I hear what OP is saying about trying to love this child and recognise the difficulties - but someone has to or she will not thrive. I find this a very sad thread - everyone is thinking about this as a child care problem that is getting in the way of the adults doing the things they wish; as a difference of opinion between warring ex-spouses. I think it is far more than that. Where does this poor lass belong? Who holds her in their heart? It may be that someone does, but I am struggling to find who.

God, he really is the absolute bare minimum definition of a 'father' isn't he? Sees his child a maximum of six times a year and doesn't actually bother with them then.

Where does this poor lass belong? Who holds her in their heart? It may be that someone does, but I am struggling to find who.

If the OP claimed to be doing that she’d likely to be told it’s not her place, to wind her neck in, that this little girl has a mum and a dad already and it’s not for a step mother to think too highly of herself and get too involved. If she and her husband split tomorrow she wouldn’t see her step daughter again. Your sadness should be directed at the girl’s parents. I’m not suggesting it’s not but let’s not forget she does have two parents of her own and OP is going along with caring for her while neither mum not dad wants time with her. OP has her own children to worry about and all she’s really asking for is a day or two to catch up with her friends.

@Magda72 thank you, you've hit the nail on the head both times in your post. Her mum moved away to live with a new partner. My husband could of probably gone back to court to stop the move happening but thought SD mum might get her act together if she moved as her partner seems a nice man actually.

He needs to take the time off and spend it with her, take her away for a little break. Financially it'll be a hit on you both as he may not be able to contribute as much mortgage wise but that's just the way it goes.

Youre dh is a disgrace he should take time off to see his daughter he hardly sees the fact you have dc together and youre reculance to help is a shame shes part of the family its not just youre dcm if youre going away fair enough but tell him he needs to take time off to have her.

OP, this is the personal cost of working a few hours a day, mainly in the evenings, to save on your own childcare. If you want your DH to stop leaving you to it you need to contribute more to the household and he needs to change his working patterns. Whose choice was it to move so far away that your SD (not DSD apparently) can't see her dad in term time, and so has to be with you most of the holiday? The message left by her mum was appalling. You all need to grow the fuck up and make this 9 year old feel valued.

X post re whose choice was it, but really, someone needs to show this girl that she's not just a pain in the ass.

Sally - don't have a go at op when the child has two parents (and I presume) grandparents and extended family.

Op doesn't need to "grow the fuck up". She's already looking after the girl 24/7 for weeks on end ffs.

She's asking for a break to recharge. For a few days whilst mum swans off for 5 weeks.

Dad is working. Sounds like the mum isn't working. Obvious choice to look after the child is the child's mother but everyone must pussyfoot around her and not upset her?! Sounds like she needs to grow the duck up and look after her own daughter.

The rights and wrongs of the parents' stances is not the issue. What matters is that this little girl should feel loved and wanted by somebody - anybody. The consequences of not doing so will be long term and pervasive.

They all need to grow the fuck up to get a responsible set of jobs that work for their family. All of them I didn't say OP alone, they are all a family and the child is more important than a few days away with mates. I haven't had any time away from my kids in months because we can't make it work at the moment, not because I don't want time to myself.

No wonder you’re sick of it. I would be too.

Regarding the trip away with friends, it’s so unfair that you had to miss out on it because you “had to look after his daughter”. You didn’t have to at all.

If he’s not going to be there when his daughter is there, then he needs to either come up with different childcare arrangements or reduce the amount of time she stays. If he has her during October half term he can always pay for a holiday club.

they are all a family and the child is more important than a few days away with mates.

But to the op, having time away with mates is more important to her. She’s not the child’s parent, so she should still have the freedom of having no children! Stepchildren are not the same commitment, nowhere near and you know it.

I haven’t had any time away from my kids in months

No because you’re their mum.

So basically he has his child around 14 weeks a year only and you’re slagging off her mother for managing the rest of the year with no support from the other parent? I agree this is not your responsibility but all the nasty digs at mum are totally unnecessary. Your issue is your partner. These are extraordinary times and you are clear he needs to work so either you step up and he brings the money home or you insist on him taking time off or getting childcare which will hit your joint finances. What you can’t do is expect mum to deal with the issue when she’s doing the majority of care.

Well it was the mum who left a shitty voicemail dumping her daughter for an extra week without checking her ex was even in the country or available to cover her agreed contact time with her daughter. He’s already committed to work. OP is the one who’s been shafted here. And the little girl. But OP had made plans for the week after her DSD was due back with her mother and now thinks she can’t.

If his work was keeping you from having to work I would say yes it's your responsibility to take care of her but it sounds like you have your own income. This year it's a bit more difficult with covid but under normal circumstances I would be saying no. He needs to come to a more workable arrangement with her mother that doesn't rely on you.