Childcare impacting my plans

[mummycanihaveadrink]

To keep it brief we (I) have my SD for the summer holidays, and I'm getting pretty sick of it. I've been invited on various things which I can't do because I have to look after her during the day. My DH is home in the evenings, to me it seems pointless for her to come. I had pencilled in a date to go away with friends for a few day's, this now can't go ahead as SD is not going home on the previously arranged day, now a week later. I'm just sick of it. It's tricky as my DH can't take the time off or we will have no income as he is SE but I feel contact arrangements should not impact my life. I feel like saying I won't have her in the next half term but that then means we won't see her until Xmas. Not sure the point of writing this just a rant really.

Also on a separate note, I have name changed for this post but is it possible to get my old username back after? Thanks

That's very dramatic mischance. There were occasions in my childhood where I had to spend a few days at a kids club I wasn't particularly fond of or go and spend the day with some old boring relative because my mum and dad had no other choice. It didn't scar me for life.

It's a few days, one time. It happens sometimes when you have kids, you have to take whatever you can find when you're stuck. Sometimes you'll have to take a few days off work even if it seems 'impossible' which is rarely is but I know men like to say so, funny how women always seem to manage it in an emergency isn't it.

My husband is self employed, he has jobs booked in sometimes. He would also never expect me to pick up the slack and sacrifice my time away because his ex had clicked her fingers and decided she will no longer have her children when she's supposed to. He would re arrange jobs, take them to work and set them up in the office, ask family or arrange some sort of childcare, because he's the parent.

The only reason this is 'impossible' for the DH is because OP is allowing him a get out of jail free card by taking on the responsibility for him. If she wasn't around he'd have to sort something. It's a few days, not months.

@Mischance I cannot even begin to explain the amount of things wrong with your post, I've never face palmed so hard 🤦‍♀️

There is a big middle ground between saying the child is nothing to do with you, and accepting responsibility for them equal to or above their parents (who are apparently allowed to bagsy being too busy.) Partnering with someone with children absolutely does not make you responsible for their kids, it doesn't become your responsibility to look after or pay for them. You are an additional person in their life much like grandparents and other relatives, you are not a third parent.

The only people responsible for accepting any and all sacrifices for a child are their parents. What you are advocating is step parents being absolute doormats.

This really is entry level stuff.

I was with a man with kids for 5 years but never really considered myself a step parent. However I very much am a divorced rp to my three kids so the comments I'm making on this post are as a dm & I honestly cannot fathom those who are telling op to step up. I'm also struggling with the level of sexism being levelled at her dh.
This child's mother CHOSE to move away & in doing so scuppered the eow arrangement. If I had made that decision to move my kids away from their dad (for whatever reason - person/work) then I would accept the consequences of that action - one of which would be a change in access arrangements! Furthermore - in no way would I expect my exh & his dw to drop everything to suit my wish for an extra week - a wish I expressed last minute! My child - my responsibility.
This man is not seeing his child less though his actions but rather through those of his ex so WHY is he being vilified on here for that?
Having children of his dds age for long periods during the holidays is hard going at the best of times as they cannot be left alone - hence the need for childcare, kids clubs & ORGANISATION. It is up to him & his ex to organise THEIR child for the holidays to include anyone who is happy to help - op/family members etc.

However, just because people are happy to help does not mean they should be taken advantage of - by either parent - which is what is happening here. This man is also supporting 3 kids. Op is rightly also supporting her 2 with dh. If this man is in the same boat as my exdp, ie he has an ex who doesn't work, then he will be the sole financial provider for his dd & reducing work may not be an option. My ex's ex expected him to take the kids more until she realised that reduced income meant reduced maintenance which meant her having to get a job! She changed her tune pretty quickly then!I'm going to say it again for those at the back who may be hard of hearing

• GETTING WITH A MAN WHO HAS KIDS WITH ANOTHER WOMAN DOES NOT MEAN A SM IS UNDER ANY OBLIGATION TO PARENT SAID KIDS OR PROVIDE FOR SAID KIDS - THEY HAVE TWO PARENTS. SHE IS NOT THERE TO MAKE UP FOR CRAPPY PARENTING. SHE IS NOT THERE TO MAKE EITHER PARENTS WORKING LIFE EASIER. Her only 'role' is to support her partner however SHE sees fit. In this case op has done her bit & it is up to her dsd's PARENTS to sort the rest of it out.

So let me get this straight:-

DSD's mum moved 4 hours away effectively reducing contact with DP to school holidays only?
DSD's mum left a message saying she wouldn't be available to have DSD on the week she was supposed to?
DP is self employed and therefore cannot take paid leave from work?
DP's work has struggled financially due to Covid and now he has back to back jobs to fulfil?
OP works from home and has been happy to help out but has got some pre-arranged things booked affecting her availability?

Can someone please tell me why the OP and her DP are getting slated here? From what I can tell, the only thing DP could possibly do is look into alternative childcare solutions which, unless he has family that dont work, are going to be very limited due to Covid.

OP - it is a very crap situation and I dont really see a solution that works for everyone. Short of phoning DSD mum and saying no one available to look after DSD either Mum returns home or accepts loss of maintenance equal to loss of wages your DP will incur due to taking time off at such short notice.

If you do forgo your break away to look after DSD then I do hope your DP really appreciates it and makes it up to you another time. He definitely owes you one!

Why? Because OH cannot get out of work, the mother is just ditching the child without a thought for her emotional well-being, and it is just step-Mum left.

So the stepmum should just ditch her plans then because of the parents’ failings. Righto. They’re both getting off Scot free while the op is the one being made to be the bigger person. It’s absolutely ridiculous but to be honest seeing that attitude on here doesn’t surprise me one bit.

It just shows such little regard towards stepmums and how very little their lives matter. She has plans that she is looking forward to but she should just forget it all because she’s apparently the only adult left. Ffs. How about the parents take responsibility for the child they created just like the op has done with hers instead of vilifying the op for “failing to take responsibility”. Your focus is on the wrong person.

I do not think it is about being a doormat - it is about grown adults thinking first and foremost of the needs of the child.

FruitLikeAPeach - I am hoping that your days at a kids club happened in the context of a loving family trying to get child care as needed; and in your local area. In this case, this is a child who is an encumbrance to everyone and who would finish up in a facility hundreds of miles from home where she knows no-one, simply reinforcing her sense of not belonging or being wanted.

The "entry level stuff" for me is that the needs of the child come first; particularly a vulnerable child.

funinthesun19 - your concept of getting off Scot free reinforces the idea that this dilemma is being seen as a nuisance to the adults - that the mother and father should not be allowed to get away with anything - that naming and blaming is central. It is not. The needs of the child are central.

The needs of the child are central - there really is nothing more to be said.

No amount of discussion is going to make the child's natural mother anything other than what she clearly is (an irresponsible person), nor change the fact that the father has got to work under these exceptional circumstances. A solution has to be found in which the adults stop blaming each other and get on and make sure that this lass is truly loved and cared for. If that means the OP has to step up, then so be it. Very very far from ideal, and not to be wished, but it is the child's needs that come first.

I am not vilifying the OP - I sense her frustration at this dilemma and far from ideal development, and I sympathise with her all the way. But that does not get this child loved and cared for.

@Mischance Grown adults don't have to put children's needs before their own, only parents have to do that. Your description of all the adults needing to jointly accept that a child's needs come first negates to acknowledge the fact that this is not a responsibility that falls to all adults, only their parents. Nobody is obliged to step in to take those responsibilities if the parents don't.

@Mischance - how far do you take 'the child's needs are central' though? If my DB and SIL were in a similar situation, would you expect me to drop my plans to make sure my DNs were cared for? What about my NDNs? Or does this only come into play because yet again on MN the SM has to prioritise the SDCs at all costs?

It's the parents responsibilities to sort this out, not OPs. If she didn't have plans and just didn't fancy looking after her SD that would be entirely different, but she has longstanding plans she doesn't wish to change, and why the hell should she? She has arranged childcare for her own children, so that she can be free at that time - why should she have to cancel her plans because her DP's ex has decided to be a selfish cow and unilaterally make plans for a time she's supposed to be looking after her own kid without consulting anyone?

The OP is not required to 'step up' to compensate for the failure of the child's parents (and I mean mainly the mother here, I can't see that the dad has really done much wrong, other than perhaps assume that the OP will cancel her plans to accommodate his child's care). As parents, of course you put your own children first - absolutely no-one else is required to or should face any criticism if they don't.

I do not agree. The mother is thoroughly irresponsible, so we are left with a father and a stepmother, who presumably are not. Father is out of the picture because he is unable to take time off - we are left with stepmother. It's a bummer; she quote understandably is pissed off about it, but it is what it is. She is in a loving relationship with the father; she knows the fix he is in; and as a responsible caring person she has to step up.

The situation is not at all good but it is no good people looking at the ideals (i.e. mother behaves decently) because those are not within anyone's grasp. No good saying that the principle of stepmother having to act is wrong in principle. This is not a philosophical discussion about the rights and wrongs. It is about a child who needs care and love and there is no-one left in the equation who can do it.

It's a pain that this has turned out so; but needs must and all that.

The child comes first, whether she is someone's own child, or a step child.

why should she have to cancel her plans because her DP's ex has decided to be a selfish cow and unilaterally make plans for a time she's supposed to be looking after her own kid without consulting anyone?

Because there is no-one else who can look after the child - it is as simple as that. Far from ideal, but the facts cannot be changed.

What a load of rubbish. The dad would most definitely be able to sort something out. OP is being used as an excuse to get out of doing so.

She isn't free, sorry end of story. Dad will have to figure something out. If OP wasn't around he'd have to and I bet shockingly he'd manage somehow in those circumstances.

@Mischance I rarely say this on here but you are completely deluded & I can't help feeling that you are really projecting something of your own onto this situation.
The father is not out of the picture - he's at work providing for all his kids! You're making it sound like he's disappeared which is a tad dramatic.
There's no abuse/neglect here - just a child who's dm is trying for an extended 'holiday' on OP's time.
That's hardly abandonment.

Again, I have to jump in and defend the op after this comment. I’m not really bothered about the mum and dad.They’re both not shining in bright colours anyway. It’s the op who needs defending.

With her actions/decisions I was referring to her marrying a person with children. Never a smart decision. If you do, you really have to make sure beforehand that the person is at least a good parent. Otherwise you end up with situations like this. She actively chose to marry him, she put herself in this situation. She could have easily avoided this whole predicament. From there it’s really quite simple; a) accept that you chose to marry a lousy parent; at least mitigate the damage (or get him do step up) that (here) both parents are doing on the child because it’s the decent thing to do b) end the relationship.

And again nothing was preventing him to go to court because of the move. Instead he decided it was ‘a nice enough man’ and the ex ‘could get her act together’. Then he decided to get a mortgage they can barely afford and so on… Good decisions all round. And if he has one of those exes that doesn’t work he should have been even more financially prudent. Nothing to suggest that. All results of his decisions.

@Mischance there will be other options as others have pointed out...your argument that the OP HAS to do it because neither of her parents will/can just doesn't hold water. In my view the OP is also unable to do it...she has plans, end of. Her DP and his ex will have to sort it out between them, and if that means the child has to go to paid childcare or stay with a relative then that's the solution.

You just keep parroting that the child has to come first - this isn't OPs child! I can tell you now, in this situation I would be telling the DP to call his ex and work it out with her because I'm away. I am a "responsible caring person" but that doesn't mean I have to roll over like a doormat and change my plans to look after a kid that I had no hand in creating. I might do it if I felt like it, or if I was asked to as a favour by DH, but no way would I just meekly accept that I HAVE to do it and that its my job to do so.

You haven't answered my question about whether you'd expect me to 'step up' to look after my DNs or my NDNs kids...I'm guessing not because it's only stepparents that continually get fed this "children must come first" mantra.

Completely agree with Magda

@Mischance it's very clear from the way you speak that you are unable to look past the logic that a step parent is essentially a third parent, equally responsible for the child. Otherwise, you would surely have had an answer for why adults in general are not expected to "step up" and be available to prioritise any child in need that isn't their own. There are thousands of them out there, but as we are not their parents, a majority of us haven't chosen to dedicate ourselves to adopting needy children. A vast majority of people only centre their lives around prioritising their own children, with no moral judgment necessary.

A step parent is not a third parent. You don't take on any legal obligations to the child when you marry someone with a child - because all it means is you are married to someone who is responsible for a child. You don't have parental responsibility, or moral responsibility to behave like a parent. Every child has two parents, this child is no exception. They are no more entitled to expect other family members (in this case, the dad's wife) to provide childcare for them than any other parent. Their back up is the same as everyone else's back up - they need to pay for childcare or take time off work.

Because there is no-one else who can look after the child - it is as simple as that. Far from ideal, but the facts cannot be changed.

The child’s MUM or DAD can!
Why should the op martyr herself and cancel her plans?
If neither parents are available then the op can always give social services a call. Bit extreme and I’m half joking, but the op has plans and cannot and does not want to look after this child. She is not the child’s parent.

There simply is no logic in saying that the mum and dad's plans are so set in stone that they cannot be cancelled and there is nobody to look after their child, yet OPs plans are completely cancellable.

From there it’s really quite simple; a) accept that you chose to marry a lousy parent; at least mitigate the damage (or get him do step up) that (here) both parents are doing on the child because it’s the decent thing to do b) end the relationship.

Or option c) remain married but leave the parenting to the parents and prioritise your own kids and plans.

Still not seeing how the “you chose a man with kids” line is a stick to beat OP with but “you chose to have kids” seemingly means you can do whatever the fuck you like regardless.

aSofaNearYou that’s exactly the point. It doesn’t surprise me though on here that someone would say that. The parents can’t cancel their parents but the stepmum can. Sounds about right for Mumsnet that.

Is the father a lousy parent or is he someone who, like many, have been hit by lockdown and has to get on and earn some money?

Is the mother a lousy parent? - certainly sounds like it!

I cannot believe some of these replies. Women falling over themselves looking for ways to blame op and the ex, rather than the child’s father who is the one who is actually responsible for the child at this point. Just because he has a penis doesn't mean he cannot possibly sort childcare.

The child’s mother has the child 100% of the time for 39 weeks a year. The father is responsible for the child for the holidays. 13 weeks. Yet he is working all day every day. Op has one break with friends booked and is having to cancel because her husband sees childcare of his child as her responsibility.

The mother is not at fault. This is the child’s father’s time to be responsible. And if he cannot do that himself, he needS to arrange an alternative.

And also who the fuck told op she needs to contribute more financially?! She already pays half the bills. And has his child the majority of the time. Maybe he could try doing as much as op, before op has to do more?!

Op, tell him he needs to sort childcare for those days, and go on your break.

Is the father a lousy parent or is he someone who, like many, have been hit by lockdown and has to get on and earn some money?

He could find a childminder or a holiday club if they are open. If they are not open he could take dependent leave.

Do you think your SIL would write a similar post about caring for your children? It seems odd you're complaining about looking after a family member's child when one of your own family members looks after your children.

@auroracecilia what a weird comment. She is complaining because she has plans on this occasion, obviously. If SIL had plans on that day and was expected to cancel them to look after OPs kids, she would be perfectly entitled to make a similar post.