Childcare impacting my plans

[mummycanihaveadrink]

To keep it brief we (I) have my SD for the summer holidays, and I'm getting pretty sick of it. I've been invited on various things which I can't do because I have to look after her during the day. My DH is home in the evenings, to me it seems pointless for her to come. I had pencilled in a date to go away with friends for a few day's, this now can't go ahead as SD is not going home on the previously arranged day, now a week later. I'm just sick of it. It's tricky as my DH can't take the time off or we will have no income as he is SE but I feel contact arrangements should not impact my life. I feel like saying I won't have her in the next half term but that then means we won't see her until Xmas. Not sure the point of writing this just a rant really.

Also on a separate note, I have name changed for this post but is it possible to get my old username back after? Thanks

If you do suck it up this year tell him it’s not on next year. You are booking something and he can make childcare arrangements. You pay (nearly) half the billS and you don’t expect him to work around your dc.

Your husband is responsible for his own child care. If you aren’t working because he is supporting you financially, then the child care falling to you most of the time is not unreasonable. That is him arranging care by paying you to stay home. I would still expect him to figure something out so you could take an already scheduled trip.

What did he do with her last summer? And previous holidays?

Sorry, took me forever to finish writing because I got interrupted. I see now he isn’t supporting you financially so just tell him to hire child care if that is what you prefer.

So you sort out your own dc childcare and then yourself doing childcare for another child.
That’s mind boggling.
You say to dh - I will look after dsc when I’m here looking after my dc, it’s mad that I’m spending time with your dc when my dc are elsewhere. I work contribute to the bills so I should have some free time of my own.

How does he feel about his daughter? In the middle of all this is a nine year old who be feeling rejected and unwanted.

I love all these comments that because you’re a step mum you should put your life on hold as you ‘knew what you were getting into’. I regularly help out my DP or his ex with my DSD which you evidently do- but it is not your responsibility and I certainly don’t think I would cancel pre-arranged plans because they have moved the goal posts. (Unless there is an emergency then I would be more sympathetic)

Though in my scenario if I sorted my own childcare out my DSD would be tagged on to that as my family all treat her the same and she’s comfortable so she loves it. If you have shared children you probably should ensure she gets to know your family well. I would hate my DSD to feel like a guest around my family.

I don't think the DSC should be sent to childcare. Yes, she's there to see her dad, but also her siblings. Dad should cover the days OP has plans, and look after all the kids.

I think it's good of you to have her during the day. But you are doing both your Dp and his ex a big favour. The least they can do is look after their own child as a thank you when you want to go out.

It doesn't matter if the Mum already has her the rest of the year, it's their responsibility to look after her. If he's paying maintenance, he can't do everything.

I appreciate the Mum probably wants a break but so do you and no way should you be expected to sacrifice it and not her biological parents.

Don't let them treat you so poorly and take advantage of your kind nature.

Have your break and expect the parents to sort out looking after THEIR child.

Poor kid. If I am correct the 9 year old is the sibling to your 2 year old? What a shame she is not properly integrated with your family, to the extent she doesn't know your sister in law very well. It must be strange having siblings who don't know each others families.

I wouldn’t be changing my plans. I would simply advise him to sort something

Whose idea was it that she stayed an extra week after she was scheduled to go back to her mum’s? Was it discussed with you?

Her mum left a message on our home phone and said she was now 'not around' and we need to keep her the extra week, 'don't try to bring her back I won't be here' so there wasn't really a discussion had with anyone. DH called back but she's the kind who will just kick off immediately so he got no where

Last year my husband did take 2 weeks off work but this had be planned carefully for finances etc. Before that it was EOW but now they live a 8 hour round trip away. This year isn't possible due to Covid.

Also SD is not integrated in my family life as I don't see them regularly really. Pre Covid I would see my SIL socially with our kids for music groups but my DB works full time and we don't often do big family gatherings so she doesn't really know them at all

This year I think you just need to suck it up, as there have been unusual circumstances. I would guess that this must have been predictable when you booked to go away.

But when things are more stable he needs to have care in place, a combination of you, childcare and him taking time off.

How would your DH and his ex have sorted it between them if you weren’t in the picture? They should do that.

Does anyone actually love this child and want her around? It sounds as though her Mum can't wait to get her off her hands and her Dad is working and will hardly see her; and your views on it are clear.

I feel as though I want to give her a hug.

@Mischance trying my best!

But why are you doing this anyways? Just say no!
If you don't have kids of your own and if the father can't make the time and arrangements for his kids to be taken care of, this is clearly NOT your problem.
I would go out with my friends anyways, and wouldn't cancel anything because of that.
An advice for the future; If you don;t take care of this right now, you'll resent everyone in the future. Think about it.

OP, just tell him now that you have plans for x, y, z dates and he needs to research childcare options now that he still has time. Then let him do it.
Remind him at some point that you will be away (but don't ask about the childcare or it becomes your problem).
On the planned day go out even if there is no childcare - he will have to take the day off.

@Mischance Oh come on, your comment might be spot on for the mother (especially seeing OP's latest update!), the father we don't know how much the 'having to work' reason is as inflexible as OP says it is - but you are quite harsh to the step mum who provides childcare for the whole summer and just ask for a few days for herself!

Does he have family she could visit (grandparents?). Does your husband want her around? Someone somewhere must be willing to care for her surely?

You probably didn't realise it when you got together but children are a big bind. If you didn't want to be step mum you'd have been better as two separate households, you looking after yourself, him sorting out his daughter and the two of you getting together when convenient. Bit late now.

He doesn't have a choice financially though, there is nobody else to look after his daughter. He needs to take the time off and cut back spending accordingly. What other option is there?

Asked on what you said he should apply for custody and she can sort holidays out.

Probably work better

Poor child. What a miserable excuse of a man. He hardly sees his daughter, and even then he can barely be bothered to spend time with her. I don’t care about his finances, it’s not like he could be bothered spending time with her beforehand. Her mum isn’t any better. Incredibly sad.